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mandy-low @blogspot.com ♥
Thursday, July 29, 2010

HELLO THERE ... Been awhile and i have been a little more busy then usual. And also, Not feeling too well physically and psychologically.

Found this passage interesting.
No use for it though.
No.. Wait...
I can dedicate this to my family.
Makes sense. Im a bitch sometimes, at home.

Don't really know what to blog about. Im learning more at work. Im not confirmed, and a full time staff. Well, not the kind of first job i expect to have. But better than nothing. My boss is putting me in charge of more responsibilities now. Still hating the fact that i need to do USELESS co-calls... But im learning a little bit on HR management. So im still doing fine, FOR NOW.

Wish my Dad would find a hole for my to grow in his company. I mean, it'll be a tough decision and it'll cause a lot of issues. But, i believe if they give me a chance i can be better. And i may not be experienced and all. But im willing to learn and be better. Always wanted to be like my dad. And for at least the next 10 years, this is my only chance. I dont mind starting small.. Whatever pay they give me, will DEFINITELY be much more than the peanuts im getting now. FML.

Dont know why im so stupid. I need to learn how to reject people. Should have told them i was unhappy before my confirmation. Should be more daring to do stuff. Im fucking young but i feel like a fucking old hag. Working, for the sake of earning money and working. BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. I don't NEED money. I just WANT more. Why then? Am i stuck here? FUUUUUUUCK!!!

OKay. Let's put that aside for now. I have been eating a whole lot lately and i gained like 5-7kg. NO FUCKING JOKE. Im so fat now... And no.. Im not the kind of girls that go "OMG i so fat!" when im not. For those who know me, you already know i am NOT slim. Neither was i enormously huge. But now? Now im fucking fat. Fat fat fat!!

But then again, i dont seem to be giving a shit. My mind loses this battle. Very often this days, i tend to listen to my stomach. Maybe cos its closer to my heart and i used to listen to my heart. I eat, and eat, and eat... After breakfast i wat lunch. After lunch i eat dinner. After dinner i snack. I snack and eat chocolates and chips and i look for food that i can munch on.

Sigh... Crying made me slimmer. Grieving and mourning made me sad. MAde me a pathetic sad fag, but i ate little and i lost at least 5 kg after the break up. I failed everything else but i knew i was losing weight. And it made me felt like it was a purpose. Now i don't see any purpose. Im still feeling the pain from the break up. But, i eat more. I eat ALOT more. And i have no purpose.

I don't go out, my phone isnt my best friend anymore, I don't reply to msgs, I dont see the need to inititate any means of contact with anyone else other than my family, I sleep alot, I watch TV alot, I eat alot, I stop dating random guys, I stop being interested, I eat, I eat, I watch more TV, I watch movies, I joke with my family, I spend time with Bryan, I sleep, I work, I don't go out, I listen to Thai music, I don't cry anymore, I feel lost, I eat, I dont go out, I look at people, I eat, I interact with colleagues, I feel nothing, I feel lazy, I eat, I feel the need to eat, I don't drink alcohol anymore, I sleep, I don't reply to msgs, I pretend to be sleeping, I feel tired, I eat, I think a little bit about whats happening to me, I eat......

Well, ass you can see.. Nothing's up in my life. I try though. Once in awhile, to msg some people that mean something to me. And just that day i msged Tang. And he ask me to give Allen a call. I hesitated. Thought about it... Hesitated some more... Thought more about it. Then i fell asleep thinking its a stupid idea.

My circle of friends can be counted with less than those fingers on my two hands. My CIRCLE of friends, guys. Im talking even about those that you meet once in awhile. I feel like having too many people around me isnt what i want anymore. I don't feel happy when anyone tells me im awesome anymore. And the more i interact, the more i'll ruin my awesome image that tookme years to build up. Im not who i used to be. Im not sociable anymore, im not full of happiness and jokes anymore. Im boring. Plain, ol' boring me...

I cant think of jokes and topics to talk about in real life anymore. I have become the one that listens and laugh at other people's jokes. I have nothing awesome to say anymore. And no, im not sad and self-pitying and undermining myself. I know myself best. And i dont pity myself. I deserve this. I kind of like feeling like this. I don't have to live up to the rep anymore. I dont really care if im not awesome anymore. Even though i don't like feeling like people is judging me and looking at me like im no longer the same good mandy i was. I really dont care.

I feel clean.

And thanks to those who still stand by me. Even when im not who you think i should be or who i used to be. Thanks for remembering and holding on to the excuse that im just going through a rough patch. I've changed guys. I feel it eating up my insides. For the past 3 months i feel like my inerds are all transformimg. I feel my mind and thought changing. I see my body language and the words i speak morphed into something so alien. Maybe im wrong. Maybe in no time, ill become happy and awesome again. Out there to spread love and laughter. But  dont see any light here. I dont see any hope in that hope.

Just wanna cuddle with my love ones in this dark hole i dug myself in. Not all my loved ones will willingly come cuddle with me in this deep dark hole. But i know, my family will. Whether they know they're in this hole with me, i dont know. But im grateful for them. For the rest of the people i love. The handful of friends that stood by me and i, in turn WANT to stand by them, its kinda up to you if im enough of a friend to stick with me. =\

One of these people, my close friend ask me not to let him down that day. With a bunch of other stuff he told me. I said "I'll try" Then i thought about it and couldnt figure out. How then? Will i not dissapoint him? How then? Will i disappoint him? Whats the defnition of letting him down? Then i brushed it off and knew that it doesnt matter. We'll take it each step at a time. =) Cos i may have changed. But when my people needs me. I can become awesome. I can become more than awesome. =)

Talking too much now. BYE.