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mandy-low @blogspot.com ♥
Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Been having this sudden urge and craving to blog. The past long weekend got me thinking about things to blog about.

I cant really remember all of them. But ill randomly blog.. =\

So, the long week end that just past... Started off great. I felt happy and felt ready to part-taye the weekend away. Saturday was spent out with sec school people at a surprise party for Mhd Noh. Slept at 7++am on a Sunday because I reached home around 4am and after that some stuff happened.




Woke up early for lunch on Sunday. Went for a jog with Danny. Harris backed out last minute cos he wasnt feeling up to it. Killed myself while attempting to jog what Danny said to be about 2km... He was nice and kept pushing me to do my best. But i was a pussy and i kept telling him i cant. And i was seriously dying. I felt like my legs were no longer my legs. So we jogged.... Jogged around AMK and Sin Min i think... Danny was nice to tell me the places where we were running but my mine was only focused on the pain my body was feeling. LOL. So i cant remember the places we passed. I think, we ran past Parthiban's house. Heard his name come out somewhere between dying and jogging.




I am the RED DOT ... =(



So jogged back to Harris' house... Took a shower... Headed to AMK central to buy stuff and eat. Bought stuff... Rushed back to Harris house cos we were late for the soccer match. Felt my whole body ache like nothing, WHILE drinking beer with them. We decided we were drinking way too slowly. So payed card games and such. They all aimed me. So i was a goner waaaay before i could even feel any more pain in my body. I think i got high way too fast, also because i wasnt feeling very happy then. I felt alot of emotions.




And there wasnt anywhere to dissipitate it to... Jogging just got more emotions out of me. Tried to maintain composure while on that temporary high.... But i think i embarrased myself abit there. I dunno why. I was feeling fucked up but i didnt wanna spoil the mood. At times like that i wish there was someone who knew what i felt exactly at that moment of time.

Those people that i normally hang out with. They all seem to have someone. How come i feel so alone?




So moving on with the recap for the "actually-not-so-long-weekend".... Yesterday was National Day... Went out with the family after waking up from a 6 hour sleep with a terrible headache. Parents decided to go to the Casino. Siblings wanted to go watch Step-Up 3... I followed along because i had no where else to go. Should have stayed home and cried instead. So yeah. Watched SALT. Cos there wasnt the show they wanted on screen. Okay show. Not exceptionally good. The whole way through of yesterday i felt like shit. I literally felt like craaaap. So, i tried to stay focus on being happy. But the more i try the harder it becomes. I skipped dinner and went home without anyone. While at home, i cried myself to sleep. I dunno why. I felt lonely. The more i be with people that day... The more i feel alone. Especially when i see so many people out there having someone. And i have no one... I mean i have lotsa friends and stuff. But i have no one.... =(





I want so much to have someone. I forgot what its like to really love and be loved. The kind of love that makes you wanna run away into another world. And makes you feel like its okay if the world is bad. You got him.her to share it with. SO yeah. I want to love.





Okay. So i woke up and send my brother back to his camp. And then send Clar back to her house. And all this time my eyes was fucking swollen and i didnt know. Until i reached home and my mum was like "WHY YOUR EYES SO SWOLLEN???? YOU CRY AH!!?!??! " I got irritated cos she said that so loudly and i didnt know what to answer. So i told her in a very bad tone "NOTHING LAH! Dunno lah dont ask la...."





Then i went back to my room and cry cos i felt bad... And cos again, i felt lonely. And i felt stupid. I felt alot of things. And while Bryan was getting to sleep beside me. I cried myself to sleep again. And today i woke up with swollen eyes once again. And i tried to ice-wash my face and hot-wash my face but nothing worked. So i just came to work with swollen eyes. If anyone asks, i have sore eyes.

How come it feels like nobody wants me...? In the way that i want them to want me... And in the way that i want them. It's never balanced. This world is never balanced. EITHER  I really like this person and this person doesnt really like me back. And so i embarrass myself in the process of liking that person. And i feel bad for myself cos i cant get what i want.  OR  Someone likes me and i kinda dont like that person in that way. And i end up not knowing what to do and not understanding why and how come this person can be so crazy about me but why the person i want cant be....

Sigh... I need to get better by tmr. These fucked up feelings cannot prolong. Because tmr is interview with potential new workplace ... And i cant screw that up with so much emotions ruining me. I need to be confident. I need to be happy. I need to be ooooooozing out happy thoughts.





FUCK YEAH.

Im gonna go fuck myself... =(

I hate working... I hate working... I hate working....

I wanna be rich... I wanna be rich... I wanna be rich....

I dont want to be alone... I dont want to be alone.. I dont want to be alone....

I wanna remember how to love someone.... I want to remember the loving kind of feeling....

I want the people i love to love me more. I want the people i like to love me....

I want to have a happy relationship with a man/woman...

I want to love that man/woman that thinks im awesome....

I want to be IN love....

I really dont know what the fuck i want .... =(