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Monday, August 30, 2010


Today's Topic : Singlehood, Random Stuff, Being Fat & Description of my close friends (highlight)....

Yesterday while talking to Isk about stuff. I realised, I think I've kind of been single for 9months now. WOW! 9 months! Felt like just yestrday Allen and I broke up. Felt like just yesterday I thought I was falling in and out of love. And I lasted and mourned for about 9 months now. Maybe more... I don't know. I dont think I can remember exactly when Allen and I broke up. Maybe my mind chose to delete of that part of the memories... But one thing I know and remember, that the last happy moment we had was exactly on our 2nd year anniversary... And I think before that we were already officially broken up.. But on our 2nd year...

We decided to meet up... Just for old times sake... It was like the day you know you're dying, you decide to make the best out of it. So that day was the last time, we pretended to be a happy couple... Ok. I wouldn't say "PRETEND". We felt like a couple. But somewhere deep down inside there's this feeling like we know we cant work things out. As if, we knew that it probably would be the last chance we have to be happy with each other. We catched toys at the arcade. We shopped around abit. We ate.. Like a normal date... Back to my house to watch soccer... Took some pictures... Then he left....

After that day, I think, everything else just seem a blur to me. How he begged, how I resisted... How I begged.. How he resisted.... How he liked another girl... How I felt when i realised... that... its... no... more... That he doesnt even wants to be friends at all. He said what he said, I guess, cos it was the polite thing to say...

So, 9 months ago. 19th Dec 2009... Was the last happy memory I can think of.... Last happy memory.. Not the ONLY... Recently.. All I can think of are the happy times we had.. I kind of forgot why I was so determine to screw things up....

Sigh... 9 months... I cant remember the last time I stayed single for 9 months, since my first real boyfriend.... They're telling me pigs will fly... They're telling me my time will come... Suddenly I realise that I'm NOT waiting for my time to come. Just felt like, my time came, and went... There's no other TIME. Just ONE time. And sometimes when I give advice to my friends. I stop and think. And I ask myself... Can I, or will I, practice what I preach? And most of the time, the answer is NO. Cos' every advice, every suggestion, every hint. Just doesnt seem to apply.

Well, at least I know now, that the girl he was after, didnt deserve him at all. Fucking slut used him, and then went back to her ex. So what if she's slim, slender and fucking average looking? No heart, No conscience... Did she tried as hard to love you? To make anything work? Fuck. Told you guys and TOLD him, I could love im much better. I know for a fact I can love him so much better. And I'll be the best motherfucking girlf EVER. But nobody believes me. Most importantly HE doesnt believe me. haha... Nevermind lor.. Let him go out and find... Let him go out and try... Try to find that one girl that treats him better than I will/would have. Knows him better than I did. And help him be the best/better like I did. He's not going to find her... 

Talk anymore about this and this day will turn gloooooomy... So next topic!!! =)

I cant wait for my new distraction to start... Wednesday... BIG DAY! =) New job.. YAY!!

Had such a heavy breakfast... Craaaap.... Nasi lemak with tons of chilli.... LOL. I think the one thing I'll miss here is the malay's stall chilli. LOL.

Everyone I know and hang out with is telling me I'm getting fatter and fatter each time they see me... =( My mum's telling me that I prolly wouldnt be able to fit into the dress I bought to wear at my uncle's wedding...    =( I'm scared... I don't want to be super fat... I'm already quite fat.. SUPER fat will kill me... =(  Like get me all emo and I'll start cutting myself and die... HAHA... Joking lah... Fat fat lor... Die die lor.. hor??? Maybe fat people got more heart... =)

Like my mum always says "Nice looking boys are seldom really nice.... Get the ugly ones... "

Think I've tried quite a few ugly ones... They're just as bad.... What's the difference... REALLY???

I want to get my heart broken by a girl.... for a change....



Description of my close friends

8 years of friendship.
Got closer only in Sec 2... Continued from there... Stuck by each other through so many things and situations. She's cute... She's physically violent when it comes to people she's close with... She has no hesitation. When you say something she doesnt like, she'll hit you. And god, when she hits you? You'll be left wondering how can a GIRL, the size of a peanut and the height of a ruler, inflict so much pain?? LOL. She gives really lousy advices at times... And when you point out her mistakes, she'll find a lame excuse for making the mistakes she makes. She seldom apologises for the stupid things she do.. But when she does, you forgive her almost immediately for being an idiot because if you see the sad look on her face, you don't find the heart to stay mad at her. She fights back. She fights back with her friends. But when it comes to normal people that she's not familiar with, she becomes a little shy. But it takes her a second to like or hate someone. Just gotta approach her and you'll see she's not so fierce or cute at all.. But there's something about her that gets to you. She doesnt like it when you judge people you don't know. Like when you say another girl is super fucking ugly like PER PER FELICIA TEO. She gets a little mad at me for saying bad things about people I don't know. But she herself laughed out loud when she saw her photo. But she helps me stay grounded. To remember to not be a bitch at times and to be nice... Even when she's not being nice to me.. She expects and would scold me any chance she has, to BE NICE. And when I'm with her, I'm nice... =) She thinks I exaggerates alot and sometimes she probably thinks I talk too much... Sometimes without her saying anything or around me... I find myself questioning... "What would Yeni say if she finds out Im doing this?" She's one of the two girls that I go to when it comes to guys, when it comes to girls, when I'm happy, when I'm sad, When I whine, When I'm bored, When I'm lonely, When I need cheering on... =) No matter what I do that she hates to accept or that she doesnt agree with, she still listens... And she seldom gets pissed at me... I hate to see her cry... And I think for all the times I know her.. I have only made her cry once or twice.. But she made me cry countless times... Sometimes the things she says hurts you. It hurts you deep because she doesnt realise how much you love her.. And when she see tears in your eyes.. thats when she feels guilt, and she realises you mean what you say... Then she learns to forgive you for whatever you did. And she learns that everyone has their flaws... She empathises... And she loves me..   =D

5-6 years since i was first introduced to her...
Tough on the outside and super soft on the inside. And when you tell her that? She'll act tougher for you.. Just to prove to you that she's not all that soft... The tougher she acts, the softer she actually is... She tries hard to block out any threat to her heart. She yearns the attention of the people she loves. She loves it when we surprise her. When we make her feel like a princess. She likes protection. Even if at times she says she can take care of herself, she likes the fact that people want to protect her. She likes to try different things. But she will always want/need to have someone dependable around whenever she wants to try something new. She's afraid to build cos she's afraid to fall. Maybe cos the last fall fell too hard... Sometimes you need to let her win, even when you know she's not entirely right, you let her win. She knows, you're just giving in.. And she'll appreciate it, then she'll realise she's wrong, and she'll come around and apologise... She's sensitive when it comes to being bias... If you treat someone better than you treat her, she'll sense it immediately. You can see it in her face... But you wait, just to see if she does anything about the jealousy she feels. Normally? She doesnt do anything... She just keeps quiet... Like most girls.... Then after awhile, she'll tell you why she's feeling down... Cos she's afraid we dont love her the same anymore... She wants/needs constant reassurance... She's like a baby.. and she loves it when you try hard to please her and make her smile or cheer her up... She's the kind that would smile for you.. If she loves you... She'll try to cheer you up... Even when she knows you're not the kind that would be cheered up if someone TRIES to cheer you up... She wants to be constantly there for you. But she waits for you to tell her you need her. Cos maybe she doesnt want to come out too eager cos she's afraid we might push her away. Sometimes when she knows she has done something wrong, she'll wait for you to say something about it or reprimand her. Then she'll show that puppy/kitten face... And she'll say sorry like you HAVE to forgive her kind of sorry. And when you inevitably smile and tell her while you roll your eyes that she'd better not do something stupid like that again, she'll give you a hug/kiss and tell you she loves you. Cos she's thankful that you accept her for her rights and wrongs. She doesnt just love any old body... But she loves me... =)

Known each other for 8 years.
Will always remember the first incedent that fatefully brought us closer together as friends... Peer support group session.. Peer leader teased Harris and I. Harris got pissed. Went to the toilet... Cried... Came back like a red faced teddy bear. Never talked to me for a looooong time... Lower sec, we always argued... He always disturbed me and I always fight back. He was rebellious and so was I. Somehow, friendship just fell into place. The first time he came to me for advice on girls... Our first sexual discussion. HAHA... I like to think that I'm the one that taught him how to first touch a girl's boobs... HAHA... Embarrassing fact. But memorable moments in our friendship. We fight alot... We argue alot.. Sometimes we disagree with the way we handle things... We see things differently sometimes.. And he's the kind that would push you til the end, just so you would say that he's right... He doesnt like an easy win. So he asks for a good argument and a good fight... And if you dont give him and argument, he somehow, some sort, makes you feel like you've lost the biggest battle in your entire life... He makes you feel like you have no stand on anything and you're just a follower... he makes you want to be special. And he makes you want to win him just so that you can show him you're not what he says you are... But he means no harm... He's hot tempered, sometimes... Bad, when he's drunk. He can say the nicest sweetest things to you when you least expect it. And these nice things comes in small bundles so when he does nice things to you? Accept it, show appreciation and shut up cos if you say anything else/more, he'll take it as you're saying he's being too nice, or that you don't appreicate it. Then he wont do the same nice thing for you anymore. In fact, he seldom does the same nice things to you twice... He hates it when people act stupid and crazy when he's feeling down and upset over something, and he'll give you the attitude/stare to show you his displeasure. He hates it when he's being serious and into a conversation and you just cut in and say something lame and irrelevant... He doesnt like a lot of things and he's one who speaks up. And sometimes, its scary when he gets pissed at you cos you dunno when he'll be okay after that. But yet, at times you know you apologizing wont help anything because he doesnt listen when he's angry. And when he's all calmed, you apologizing to him, his reaction will make you feel like you're just over-reacting to his anger... You dunno where's the balance with him.. Amongst all my friends? He's the most unstable one.. But that's what keeps you asking for more.. Cos sometimes when he's pissed he says the most logical things... He's extreme... OH.. And he likes to flex his arms and brag about his arms getting bigger... "Mess with the best, die like the rest"  .... "Woman!! Speak only when spoken to!!" are some of his favourite phrases...

Known for 5-6 years. Friends for 3-4 years.
Always showing the fuck face in secondary school. Never looked approachable to me.. When I first got to know his existance.. I never liked him. He looked arrogant, and he kept looking as if we all owed him something... I never really got any chance to talk to him in school. But somehow by a twist of fate or by destiny. We became friends through Harris. During poly life, I started to hang out with them. And at first I was shocked at how Iskandar can actually talk like a normal person. To me, it was almost similar to seeing an alien speak english. But we got used to seeing each other during lepak sessions and soon enough became friends. Somehow we started talking about his need to find a girlfriend. And how he's alate bloomer and how he wants to be a player. The thigs i told him about girls, countless! Like I gave him a full advance course on the different types of girls there are and how to handle some kind of girls. Sometimes during lepak sessions they will just bombard me with countless questions about girls. Like i was their teacher on how the girls mind works. And they would tell me their experiences and stories. Then they would expect me to decipher for them, why the girl was like that. What was hse thinking? How should they have replied? Did they do the right thing? And then now? Now, Isk went through dating quite a few girls. He worked out and made his body bulkier. And he pees alot in public.. And he likes to take off his shirt.. And he likes to show off his abs... He asks for lots of advice. He's like the boy that wants to learn every single thing there is to learn... But he doesnt realise sometimes that there's no right or wrong.. Sometimes he comes across to me as if he's afraid.. He's afraid that 1 wrong decision now will ruin the rest of his life... Sometimes he over thinks things... He over evaluates and he thinks too much into small issues... He likes to play it safe.. Sometimes, too safe... He;s wants to make everything perfect. He wants it like in the books or in theory where you do one thing and there's only a few possibility of things happening. He forgets that human are full of surprises. That there is no 1 route that will bring you to 1 destination... He appreciates. And he shows it. And whenever he gets the chance to be there for you. He steps up and tries his best to be there... He's observant. He observes. And he tries to decipher his observations. He wants to get every explanation possible for everything he sees. Sometimes, you run out of words on how to explain to him. But you keep trying because you see how eager he is to learn about girls, and life, and love and such. He's always asking.... And he absorbs... I think he knows more than he thinks he knows. He just doesnt know how to execute it, and he's seldom sure about something... Just like all of us.. OH! And he does really embarrassing things at times. Like shitting at a park.. And he's proud of it... It's known as "marking his territory"...  =)

Known for 5-6 years. Friends for 3-4 years.
In secondary school, a lot of girls were going goo goo gaga over him. I became a victim of that goooo gaga-ness for awhile. He was just this cool indian guy with piercing intense eyes that seem to see right through you. We talked abit. But he never did show any interest. And I believe we did exchange a few messages here and there. He never really talked much in school. Was always in the group of guy friends together with Isk and Praba and all.. I always tried to impress him in my own silly and awkward way. But never worked. So, similarly to Isk, I got introduced to him during the leapk sessions. And he took a longer time to get used to me being in their group. Never talked much. He listened alot. But not much input whenever I'm around. I was nervous at the start cos I was afraid he still thinks I like him. At that time, I've gone through tons of guys. So I wasnt really young and naive anymore. And somehow I kept trying to show him again, in my silly little ways that I only want to be friends with him. Even though it's not necessary cos to him, we're all members. Danny is loyal. He's the kind like in the mafia. Family is family... Members is members.. And he follows those unwritten laws of brotherhood closely. IF you even give slight hint that he has in any way breach the code of brotherhood, he will step up and like a police officer reading you the laws you've broken. He will say "Brothers dont check out brother's girl..." And he'll say it with a serious face. He complains, and he likes to joke in his own silly way. Sometimes he does funny and stupid things and say things that make it seem as if he didnt use his brains. No matter how much of a man he put himself to be, he still gets caught in embarrassing moments. But the thing about him is, he lets you laugh at him. He doesnt stop you from laughing. He'll just say "funny meh? why you laughing til lidat?" .. But he'll let you laugh.. And most of the time I'm the one that laugh the loudest cos it's nice to see him embarrassed. Makes him that much more human. When I first got to know him, he came across as emotion-less. To him, it's called "Being a Man" ... But now, he's more opened up.. And he's more fun... He talks more, jokes more, shares more... And there were a few precious moments I swear I felt his emotions... He's loyal to his friendship with all of us. But he likes to disturb Isk the most. Maybe cos Isk is the only one that won't fight back... But I always interpret it as "they're gay partners"... Sometimes, Danny acts like a little boy. He doesnt know how to express his emotions. Or maybe it's cos he DOESN'T want to. Whatever it is... He doesnt know what an EGG TART is.. He has a super hairy leg. Which he has tried to trim but to no avail. And he gets into trouble in NS for stupid little things. But he wants to be an officer... I have the feeling its not just because of the pay... I think it's because being officer just makes him that much more manly... haha... His guard is seldom down whenever there are girls around.. He has to live up to the cool looking indian image... =)

Acquainted since Secondary 1, became close friends almost immediately ... Til now...
Distance does not affect our friendship. We can not speak or meet up for months on end, but when we do it's like we just picked up from where we left off. We always know when the other party isnt feeling too well, or the other person is going through a tough time. And we go straight to the point. Fuck happy thoughts fuck trying to pretend to be strong, we just let out all the emotions when we see each other. With him, it doesnt feel so wrong to be sad and pathetic. As much as I want him to be happy. But somehow I feel that sadness and problems, works well with him. He has a way of putting things to you so you see it in a different light. And you're not afraid to tell him truthfully what shit you've been through in your life. He never seem to judge you. He has the most contagious laughter I've ever heard from anyone. He laughs loud, farts loud, yawns loud, and he laughter can continue on and on and on... Til everyone in the room is laughing along with him. Some people thingks he's weird. That he's loud yet he's a little conservative... He's loud, yet he seems to sometimes keep to himself. But he like a bottle. Filled to the rim. If he doesnt cap himself, he'll spill. And he's not one that wants to spill... He only uncaps himself with people he trusts... And not many people he trusts with his biggest secrets... He likes to club... He can dance all night and go mad.. But when he clubs, its the only time I see him smile so wide, without any jokes or stupid things to laugh about... =)  He genuinely seem to enjoy clubbing. He taught me how to shuffle. Even though I'm stil a noob at it. He taught me the basics... He always willing to teach and share what he knows... He likes and is learning the art of Aikido. He tried a few moves on Harris and I. It was cool... =) Logen's like a long distance brother.. We seldom meet. Maybe it's how this friendship is suppose to be... But for everything, I've appreciated him alot. Through secondary school. He was one of the best friends... Even til now...

Known him from Poly. Friends for 3-4 years...
Understanding. Mature... ABANG LONG... HAHA. He alwys willing to help. He likes to joke. And he laughs at your jokes...Maybe the only reason why it was easy being friends with him cos he laughs at my jokes.. =) And I like people who appreciates my jokes and my effort to make other laugh. As Poly days passed on, I went to school lesser and lesser. But in 3rd year. We made a pack, that we would both try to motivate each other to come to school. And even though that determination to do better in school together didnt last long. We got closer and we became school buds... We disturbed each other. We told each other who we think was hott and we shared dirty secrets about porn stars and poked fun of each other.. He's cool headed. I don't think I've ever seen him really pissed. He just brushes off  lots of things by saying it's lame and he doesnt want to be any part of it. A little bit like Harris in that sense. The first guy friend from Poly that I brought and introduced to my Secondary school friends. No regrets on that cos eventually he became Yeni's boyfriend. He's sociable. He's friendly. He doesnt come across and weird in any way... He's relax and he's okay with lepaking with people he hardly knows. And he's done some really silly things as well. But I shall not expose him here as it was a promise. He has a god-sister. And that story alone is silly enough.. =) He laughs whenever I try to speak chinese. He forgives. He's patient... He seldom shares his problems. But he shares his experiences... He tries his best not to make you feel left out, if you're a friend he truly appreciates... Sometimes he goes crazy and do funny and crazy things to make you laugh.. Thats AZIMAT..


The more I find out about thes people I have mentioned... The more I start to care and give a shit about them... And they're always able to cheer me up.. And whenever I hang out with them... No matter how sad and pathetic I feel, I try my best to stay happy... Cos I see them happier when I'm happy. And I'm happier when I see them happier. And when they're hurt and they cry or they whine or they complain. Somehow I feel the same kind of pain for them. And I wish bad things to go away for them.