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mandy-low @blogspot.com ♥
Tuesday, November 30, 2010



Something i think fits very well for Keong's situation.
Dunno??




AND...!! One of MY Wedding song is going to be...!!




ANYWAYS.....
I realise a very common phenomenon.
When we are at the twenties and mid-twenties,
we look back on ourselves in our teenage years and we laugh.
SO FUCKING UGLY THEN!!
When we're in our thirties,
we look back on when we were 20 and go,
"WOW, prime time... I was rockin' it baby"...
Then when we're 40, that i dunno... I havent reached that realization yet...
But fuck!

I just saw a OLD picture of me when i was in sec 2 i think.
And i looked UGLY!! Fucking fat and UGLY!
Not that there's much improvements now.
But i think its safe to say that i look better now than i did 5 years ago.
Maybe its the way i dress or the way i portray myself.
But when i think about it,
I think i had more confidence then, than i did now.
When i was 15, i didnt care what i could have and what i couldnt have.
I just went for it.
I knew i like somebody, and even if i know its impossible cos im totally not their type.
I totally go for it and do the silliest stupidest thing a school girl can do.
Confess her feelings to boys that she KNEW dont like her back.

NOW? Sigh....
They say fear comes with age...
Wariness come with experiences...
I dunno what else they say..
But the point is that,
as we grow older...
We lose courage...
We lose the balls to do things we would have done with a blink of an eye
when we were younger.
Now when i want to do something, or when i feel something.
I think, and i hesitate.
WHY?
For the fear....
Fear of rejection, fear of being broken again.
Fear of losing something again...
Fear of me myself being the reason that i lose something important.
Fear of screwing up and bringing others down with me.
Fear of being judged that im 20 and still unable to think properly.
Fear that ill end up being a dissapointment to those i love.

THESE FEARS...
Elevates with age....
Because we feeeeeeed this monstrous fears...
We give them what they need....
We give them life.... =(
Something we cant just run away from....

I think i have a fear of life...
And everything that comes along with it...
Maybe not the serious kind of phobia...
But i think i have a kind of fear that even i dun noe about...
Everyday i live my life thinking whats in store next?
What's life gonna do to me next?
Steal away some other life that i care about?
Take away someone i care so much about?
Screw me up and then leave me to struggle?
Watch me feel my insides burn up and slowly fade away?
Watch me give up and laugh at my face?

Life is my the devil to me...
Life isnt god's gift....
Life is what the devil gave us...
To watch us suffer...
There's always 2 ways to look at things...
Sometimes 3... if you know what i mean..
BUT! Point is, i dont think life is a gift....
I really dun think so...
Although i always associate new born babies and cute little toddlers with the word "god's gift"..
Its just a matter of speech...
They're beautiful...
Im not denyin the fact that there's lotsa beautiful stuff in this world..
Im just saying... The devil like sto get you side tracked...
Just when you thank god for the things that goes well for you...
HE screws you up... and laughs in your face for thinking this is all god's work...
LOL...

I can totally make a sadistic move out of this...
Like a dark evil movie... And explain my point of view about life through my making of the movie.
I wish i had a talent to do that.
To write a script about it...
I'll be rich and famous..
And ill have the devil to thank for..
Now, isnt that just great?? =D

Sooooooo, weekend wasn't uber great.
As you can already tell from my blogging style today.
What was great was i finally got drunk.
So drunk i had to be carried by my 2 very hunky and awesome friends.
I dunno how else i embarrassed myself.
Alll i knwo is got drunk.
And i felt sooo bad for putting them 2 through that...
I tot they would never live to see the day i get that high...
I was wrong.
Never underestimate the strength of alcohol...
Screw that... What's worse is the pain...
THE PAIN!!! THE EXCRUCIATING PAIN!!!!
I felt when i was drunk.. The pain in my gastric/stomach or wherever...
That pain is like something was eating my insides...

And that pain? Combined with the fact that i was high...
Made me cry in pain like a baby...
Which i think is what made the guys worried and panicky...
But yeap.. They got me home safe and sound...
although not entirely cleaned up..
But there's only so much two very gentlemanly guys can do for a drunken ass girl..
So i woke up with a hangover, which i havent gotten in a long time.
And also, i woke up with the excruciating pain still there..

I tot eating would do me some good.
So i ate..And i puked...
I tot it was due to the drinking.
So i waited till the hangover is recovered...
WHile doing that i drank some milk to try and satisfy my grumbling tummy.
But nooo! That bastard would give up..
Whole day of Sunday i was crotched up in bed and on the sofa..
Trying to watch tv and do things to stay away from the pain.
Ate medicine from whatever i can find... Drank hot water trying to burn the apin away from the stomach.
I tot hot water seems a good idea cos it gives me 1 second of comfort... after i swallow..

Monday came.. I went to work like a zombie...
Puked even though i had nothing left to puke...
My colleagues decided i should go home.
Which i am grateful for because i swear i would have fainted if i had to face the computer for 2 more seconds.
Got to the doctor and he's putting me on meds...
He says if it doesnt get anybetter after about a month of taking the meds.
Ill have to go for a scope and they wil examine further treatments after getting agood look at what inside me.
Stupid bastardy acid eating up my insides...
I hope the medicine kills them motherfuckers.
OH! And i also learnt something new...
SMOKING affect gastric acids and all!! WOW!
WOW RIGHT?? I mean all along i tot drinking was the devil...
Smoking is actually almost just as bad as drinking for my case!
So the doctor asked me to cut down on both...
But he was understanding.
for the first time, he's the first person that told me my drinking problem isnt a problem.
It's only a problem when i wake up in the morning and the first thing i wanna do is drink.

Doesnt apply to me. I had drinking when i just wake up...
Not that i've done much of it...
But it sucks... Drinking is happy..
Waking up and going to drinking straight away.. Thats pathetic..
LOL ... after i say this i better make sure i dun end up an alcoholic...
But Dr. Tan says im okay.. Im good... Dun worry about the drinking.
He ask me to worry more about eating regularly and always eat before i drink.
And stop smoking... HAHA. He actually said a louder okay to drinking but a not so okay to smoking.
Which shocked me. I always tot drinking is much worse a habit than smoking.
MAYBE DR. TAN DRINKS TOO!! OMG...! That just occurred to me!!

MAYBE HE DOES!! WOW...
Total revelation... It'll be cool if my doctor drinks... lol..
Then i know im not the only one thats crazy about drinking...
But on that note, i have to say...
I'll be trying my best to stop drinking...
No more little sneaks at the bottles displayed on my pathetic "bar top".
Maybe once in awhile if its a good night out and everyone's in the mood.
Maybe just then, ill drink..
Other than that i think ill try to stop... Cos drinking is expensive too.

And my MOOLAAAHS are burning fast..
Dunno how, dunno why...
I need to stay on track with the saving thing...
Sigh... Life's bitch without much money...
So yup...

So much for blogging... I dun feel any better now than i did 20 minutes ago... =/
and the medicines arent working..
I need stronger pain killers...
But Dr. Tan say stronger pain killer is injection.
And he cant inject me everyday.
Trust me... Injection painkillers work like magic...
though only for a few hours.... still works like magic... =)

OKAYS!! Gonna go watch some tv now...
I like the show BONES... Awesome...
Makes me wanna be expert at something.. LOL.
Something good... i mean... =)

K BYE.