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mandy-low @blogspot.com ♥
Sunday, October 09, 2011

As I was just telling Nessa the other day... There are good days... And there are bad... Today? Was bad... I almost went back to the old days of self-mutilation just to get over the pain i was feeling inside... I really felt worthless... I felt like i can't get anything right and im a loser all in all... My image in everyone's eye is not perfect and will never be... In fact, if there's a word to describe how i think my image is to everyone it'd be ''screw up''... Somehow, someway, i manage to screw up everything in my life... Whether screw it up literally or just screw it up in my mind, i still screw it up.. Something can be so perfect and awesome one minute. And the moment i get involved, it screws up... Someone ever told me... That the reason he befriended me and felt he wanted to be close to me is because he felt like i needed help... Like i had problems and he wanted to help... And he asked me if i had any problems.... Problem is, i dunno what/where is the problem... And i dunno if anyone can help me... Recently I've gotten back into wishing i was dead... Today was the worse.. I only live for the people i think will almost die of hurt if they realized i killed myself... I wouldnt hurt if i died... I would however hurt to see the people i love hurt over my death... But that's life... I think if i believe that nobody would hurt over my death... Then thereLs nth for me to live for... But there is... My mum, my dad, Bryan, Wilson, Chay Boon, Chay Chye, Gu-ma, E-Gu-Ma, E-Ma, Danny, Harris, Isk, Aryani, Fateha, Logen, and some others who will feel sad... But those that i mentioned, i know, will be devastated by my death.. And that is the sadistic thought that comforts me when i feel all alone... That if i die, those pple will be missing part of their heart cos i wanna believe im someone they do keep in their hearts... I wish im right... I wish i'll never find out that anyone I stated above didn't actually love me. I wish I'll never feel like im such a loser and so unwanted ever again... I wish I had someone to remind me everyday, that im so special and to remind me why they love me... I wish somebody would wish to be/stay with me forever and ever... I wish someone knew about these fears and pain that i go thru.. I wish someone knows exactly how to fix me... :( i wish I didn't believe that there's no one out there for me... Or did my other half did what i have no guts to do? Is my other half in Hell... Waiting for me to be with him too? Sigh... Fuck this life really... Maybe I've been saying fuck my life so often, that god decided.. Let's grant her that lousy wish... THAT'LL show her! Haha... Fuck god... Fuxk you... Fuck me.... When is the end of the world coming?

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