I had the mood to blogged just now. But after lunch, I lost all mood... But I just can't leave that thought hanging.. So here I am... Blogging...
So whaaaaaaazaaaaaaap? :)
Well, I have been asking myself plenty of life questions recently.
Starte dto question all the choices I made these past years.
And I came to the same conclusion I have had all these years...
I DON'T KNOW SIAAAAAA....
I think I'm being too hard up on myself.
I'm young, I'm supposed to be able to make plenty of mistakes.
And the consequences are suposed to be so small that it won't affect much of my future...
And it's true, so far, nothing I did is so huge that my whole future is ruined.
But that doesnt mean one day, it won't happen...
It just take 1 experience, too make it good enough to stick with my through out my entire life.
And while I am pretty sure that if I continue on this path, I'll get there soon enough..
I can't seem to find any reason to change my path...
What's my path?
Simple, enjoy now, think later...
But the irony in that is, most of the time, after I enjoy..
I immediately or almost immediately feel stupid about it...
Why? Because the things I enjoy aren't supposed to be enjoyed...
Danny and Harris have been saying that one day I'll get stomach cancer.
And it's nobody's fault when it happens, except mine...
They are right... But when they said that... There was only one thing on my mind...
"If one day, I really did get stomach cancer.. Will you guys still be there? Will you all still tell me the same old things you're saying to me? Will you feel sorry and sad for me?"
And then I realized, I think I really do wanna know how everyone I love will react when one day, I'm finally dying..
Will they wanna spend every single moment of my dying days with me?
Will they start telling me how much I mean to them?
Will they laugh and think that I'll be able to pull through it on my own?
Will they get angry at me and leave?
Will they start to realise that I'm too depressed and start distancing from me?
Will they finally get sick of me and my problems and fuck care?
Will they listen to me cry while I tell them I wished this?
Cos I wished for it, I wished to die... At every low point of my life, I wished someone would take my life..
Stop all the crap and stop the loneliness, and stop the pain...
Selfish... Stupid... Immature... Cos wanting to die is the last thing anyone should do...
Cos we grew up being taught life is a precious thing...
But to me, life is just a life.. You either live it, or you don't...
I don't believe in afterlife, I don't believe in heaven or earth..
Death is like taking the weight off your shoulders..
You die? You disappear.. Simple...
No lingering spirits, no rebirth, no heaven, no hell...
I believe in ghosts.. But, that's a whole different story..
Nothing to do with death... I think...
I feel a little depressed... But I keep telling myself that that's not it...
Im not depressed... Im just unhappy... I don't know what's the difference...
Cos it feels so much alike...
Sigh... Anyways, recently I start to feel like I need a change of environment...
I need to start something somewhere..
Cos maybe I'm just not happy where ever I am...
But it's so difficult to change things that's against the flow..
Either it's difficult, or I'm too lazy and demotivated...
Maybe I'm addicted to sadness...
It's like a natural instinctive feeling right now...
Every situation, I find a way to feel sad or any other negative feelings towards it...
And it sucks...
Work starts now..
FML...
