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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

So, the quit binge drinking thing?
Didn't work out very well..
It was starting to work.
Then i had a argument with my mum and my brother again...
Then i went back to binge drinking...

Binge drinking isn't so bad..
Its the situations i put myself into after/during the drinking that sucks.
I learnt so much about myself through this...
And it didn't help me love myself better..
I just realize more reasons why I really don't like myself... :(

If i go into details...
I can only imagine the names your mind would start to register me as...
So i shall not...
But for those who give a shit...
Please know I'm trying.. I'm trying hard as hell not to run...
Trying to be the grown up i'm supposed to be...

But the first sign of trouble and stupidity... I run...
My mind registers abandonment and running away as the first option to everything...
I keep trying and i keep failing...
I'm only 21 and i feel like i don't have much faith or hope left to live the rest of my life.
You guys have no idea how scared i am sometimes...
How alone i feel, how afraid i am of the next stupid thing ill do...
Just for 1 moment of pure happiness...
Doesn't matter if regret comes later.
Doesn't matter if i know people are just using me...
Doesn't matter if i know its a mistake...

Just one moment of happiness..
And ill willingly put myself in the situation.
Then comes the after effect...

I'm just so fucking depressed...

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