I KEEP TRYING TO BE HAPPY BUT I CAN'T.. .....

I really want to be happy but i don't know how or what to do....



James Morrison - Pieces don't fit anymore


"I've been twisting and turning
in a space that's too small
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall
You've been closing me in,
closing the space in my heart

Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart
Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do
It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit here anymore

You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin
Well I'll hide all the bruises;
I'll hide all the damage that's done
But I show how I'm feeling
until all the feeling has gone

Why I can't explain why it's not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do
It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin
Well I'll hide all the bruises;
I'll hide all the damage that's done
But I show how I'm feeling until
all the feeling has gone
I don't know why
Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

Oh, don't misunderstand how I feel
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried
Still I don't know why
No I don't know why"

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I lost.... We all lost.... Words are just words until some action is put into place. And you made so many promises... Painted such a wonderfula dn awesome picture i couldnt let go. You told me to keep holding on. To keep on going and believe you. I believed you. And now you cant take all the shit and you let go. If you canttake the shit. Why did you ask me to hold on? Why do i keep believing? I told you, this would happen one day. But you'tr so good at pretending. Pretending like everything is alright and that it'll all be okay. That i believed you.

Im not saying im not in the wrong here. But the world is round. I didnt just wait around and do nothing. I tried so hard. and you keep saying you did. But did you? Did you really? Did you go against all odds and make sure that you make sure that it happens the way you say it would? Anyway its over... now i just gotta learn to let go......

I remember once you asked me why must i be so dependant? And yes, i don't have much goals or aspirations. I may not have a "diploma" or a "degree" future. But if you ask me what is my goals? What is my future? I would have answered you. But now i don't know. It just sounds stupid.

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It's times like this i believe that i should just DO IT..

Once upon a time, I was falling in LOVE

But now, I'm only falling apart

Nothing I can say.....

TOTAL ECLISPE OF THE HEART...


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Why can't i be stronger.... Why can't i love myself... Why cant i have confindence.... Why can't i see the things you try so hard to tell me to see... ??????? How come my family can love me, and you can love me, but i can't? Why am i so weak? Why do i have to depend on my emotions so much? Why can't i be more calm and think things through before i react? Why do i look at myself and see the exact oppoasite of what i've always wanted myself to be? Why do i feel dirty, and lousy and stupid. Why do i feel like i can depend on no one, even though you're always her and they're always here for me? Why do i feel so alone, all the time...?


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"RANDOM THOUGHTS" - Mandy

When i was upset,
you held me, you comforted me.
when i cried,
you wipe away my tears
and you tell me that there's no use in crying

I get angry, and i shout.
I scream and i say those things
that i never meant to say
Regret, is just the start of all these emotions

I see you and i see what im doing
can't bear the thought that someway, somehow,
Im turning and making you into me
The "me" that i hate so much now

I didn't start this relationship to hurt you,
But now i can't stop
I never meant all this to happen and now,
I don't know where to go or what to do

such a lost, lost soul...
I wish i could be better.
Wish i could give you more
And it's hard to say,
I can't....

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IF DYING WAS EASY, I'M PRETTY SURE WE WOULD ALL DIE... WE WOULDN'T NEED AN ICE AGE OR A MASSIVE ROCK HITTING EARTH. EVERYBODY WOULD JUST KILL THEMSELVES. COS' WE'RE JUST SO AWESOME, AT PRETENDING LIKE EVERYTHING'S OKAY...

I'M REALLY NOT OKAY. AND I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE WHO'S EMO. BUT IM NOT OKAY. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE YOU ALL UNDERSTAND THAT I REALLY WANT TO...

Why am i still desperately finding something to live for and for my reason to live? I cant depend on my family forver and i don't want them to worry all the time. But i just cant find my way..... I don't want to do anything good about my life and these thoughts are so tempting.....

Last night i dreamt i died. I drowned when i jumped into the big ocean cos my phone somehow dropped. I tried to save it and i feel into the ocean while my friends looked on screaming my name. I tried to tell them im okay that i saved my phone. but then i realise they're crying because im already dead. Then my "soul" start to linger to places. Places where all my loved ones are.

I see Harris, Danny, Isk and the gang in disbelief. I see my cousins crying and wondering how it happened, wishing they had a chance to save me. I see Aryani and Fateha, wishing they had the chance to tell me what they've always wanted to tell me but never thought it was important enough. Then, i saw Allen, crying his eyes out regretting. Regretting so many things that were said and done wrong and wishing for another chance to make things right. I see my brothers, feeling a fucked up and crying like crap, angry at why it must happen this way. I see my parents, all heart broken, feeling like god have betrayed them, wondering what they did to deserve something like that, their only daughter, GONE.

Then i saw my grandparents, all warm with embrace. Telling me that it's alright. That they will help me. And then the whole cycle happened again. I saw all those images again. all the sorrow, sadness and anger that happened when i died. But apart from just those images, i saw more. I saw how it would be like if those people actually did what they did. My cousins will tell me they love me. My friends will always try to be there for me, knowing just when im feeling like shit. And those who knew that i've always wanted to die will understand finally why.

And then i woke up. Feeling again like i've just died. I turn to my left and saw Allen. And i realise that i really do want to die. That i feel like the only way anyone will start understanding me is only if i die. So i went to bath, recollecting the moments of the dream. I got ready for school and went to school without a reason to live.

As i was on my way to school i thought and i thought and i kept thinking, why am i doing what i do? And if there really is no reason for me to live. Why then, do i keep on living? I reach school, without anything to say or do. Feeling like i don't want to do anything. But i end up doing all the regular routine.

I went to smoke with Grayce. On the way back to class, i saw a commotion. I went to help this girl who fainted at the staircase. Apparently she has epilepsy. And her caretaker couldn't really lift her up. So a guy, two girls and me went to help her out. Lifted the girl into a chair and tried waking her up and called her name. HER NAME? MING LI. Ming Li! My name, god dammit. When i heard that, my dream flahsed back in my mind. I don't know. Maybe its just because of the mind set i have. That anything bad that happens i just take it, shine it and somehow link it back to me. So i helped her, wishing i was in her shoes (i know thats bad). Then i went back to class wondering who i should tell about this. And i realise i wanna tell no one. I just wanna blog. About how useless i am and how i really want to die.

i don't know. You might call me EMO or whatever it is. But im not doing so good. Yes i'm not doing anything harmful to myself or others(hopefully), but im not doing so good. Im just pretending. Pretending everything is fine and im wasting my time away. Pretending like i want to plan for a future. A future that i wish i wouldnt be alive to live it. I've become so accustom to wanting to die that every little thing that happen i link it to detah and i tell myself "That's why i wanna die". Weak~ i know....

I don't know what to do. and im pretty damn sure anything anyone say, isnt going to help. I just feel, lost and i havent found out who can help me yet. I dun want to burden anyone. So manybe, thats why, i just wanna keep being lost. I know its frustrating. I'M frustrating. "Thats why i wish i died".... Thats why.... I wish my dream was real....

I came across this song on my brother's ipod. and i decided, that if nothing changes, and im still alove to see this day come. MY WEDDING SONG.. will be...... MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE. BY ADELE

Lyrics to Make You Feel My Love :

When the rain is blowing in your face,
and the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
to make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
and there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
to make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
but I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
no doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
to make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
and on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,
you ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy,
make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.

Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
to make you feel my love

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So that's it ya'all

I realise i cant get over the death of my grandma. The last thing my grandpa said to her.

"don't worry. Everyone is all grown up now. They can take care of themselves. go rest in peace. don't worry"

That somehow forced the grown up out of me. Now when i wish i was a kid and think like a kid that voice comes into my head and i have to be mature. Last night while working suddenly this feeling hit me. I feel useless, not wanted and all.. Basically my self esteem level is now an all time low. Probably just like when i was in sec school being suicidal. I don't know why. But everyday i try to find the hope in living but i only have a handful of stuff worth living for. If mama is in heaven now, i want to go there too.... Cos the place im at now, is neither dark nor bright, neither good nor bad, and its everywhere....

I regret a lot of things. I regret not having good conversations with my mama when she was healthy. I regret always talking back to her. I regret taking for granted that i can go to her house anytime to visit. Now my uncle's selling the house soon. And mama house will be gone forever. Like how she's gone. And everytime i walk pass that building all i can think i of is why did i grow up so fast. Why couldn't i stay longer at her house and be with her every minute of free time i have, instead of slacking at home wondering where i can go. I could have gone to her house anytime any day but i didnt want to. Until she started to fall ill and she went. And now i regret.

I talk to Allen's mama and i wish i was talking my own. I see old people walking by hoping i can just pull one of them home with me and make her my mama. Never thought i would miss her so much. I guess death IS a funny thing. I really miss her. They say to go visit her. It's not the same. Im looking at a stone picture. And im talking to stone that hides the ashes of my grandma. It not the same. It won't make anything feel any better. I need her to tell me to eat. even though she says im fat. I need her to teach me how to cook and scold me when i break glasses. I want her to hold me together like how she always did just that i never knew she did. I took for granted that she was living and now she's gone for more than a year already. And i still miss her... And i miss my yeye's stupid lame jokes. And i miss him disturbing my grandma. I hate that they both have to go... They were the heart of the family....

Sigh... I dunno... Not a very good day today. Realise how stupid i was to stop working during the holidays now im broke. I try to save but i dun even have an income for this month and i try to spend less but driving lesson and TP is coming so im going "broker" and "broker". Wtf.

School started and i hate school. Never liked it except when i was in YEar 1. Kenneth, Rizza, Jess, Abraham... 5 of us. Fuck now all gone. Own lives.

My older brother, Wilson, is going to army in 2 days time. And i always tot it would be great having him out of the house. But recently within the past months i found out that the house would be so much emptier without him. Nobody to isap-rokok with. Nobody to go lim-tei with. Nobody to joke around and tease me. Nobody to talk about HIMYM with. Nobody to check out and talk about girls and porn with. somehow thorugh growing up and the fights he became my best friend. The best guy friend that would whack up any guy who disturbs or bullies me. The best guy friend that will tell me straight in my face that im being an ass and fuck me upside down for a mistake i made. But in the end storm off and message me that he loves me no matter what. The best friend that know about the anger that is in our genes. His lifestyle will change once he's in army. And somehow i wish that he doesnt change too much. I always hope the best for him. And sometimes we fight still.. But there's no one else i will choose more, to be my older brother. Because of him, i want my first kid to be a boy. Because older brothers amazes me.

If i blog anymore ill cry in class... Another time. bye.

ALREADY GONE - KELLY CLARKSON

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road. Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so
I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss then
we could feel the poison set in

Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so,
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so
I'm already gone

You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so
I'm already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go

And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

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Some how this song brings out quite a bit of an emotion in me... I tried so hard. to try to fix the things that i broke. im willing to face the music. to fight. to go all the way. i gave up and that was me being weak. I know i was at fault. but now im gonna give it my all. And you tell me you don't know.... Great.....

I never felt like this before... nobody would believe me. i know. but i want you in my future. i want you there, at my wedding. beside me. Its so stupid now when i say it because the picture suddenly looks so blur...