This is me. Call me CRAZY.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Sometimes I wonder what I mean to people around me?
Am I important? Do my words and actions have an impact at all in your life?
Or am I just a passing cloud?
Even for those who I am close with and believe for sure they do truly love and care for me...
I still wonder if I mean anything... Do they just enjoy spending time with me?
If I'd leave suddenly would they miss me?
Would they cry for days and days hoping I'll come back?
I mean, I feel important when I'm with them...
But when I'm not, I feel like I'm easily forgotten...
Am I? Easily forgotten?

I think my self-esteem has gotten so low I put no worth to myself..
I don't see how important I can be to anyone...

Aryani, Who am I to you?
Fateha, Who am I to you?
Harris, Who am I to you?
Iskandar, Who am I to you?
Danny, Who am I to you?
TK, Who am I to you?
Logen, Who am I to you?
Ais, Who am I to you?
Vanessa, Who am I to you?

G, Who am I to you?
Y, Who am I to you?
J, Who am I to you?
B, Who am I to you?
E, Who am I to you?
S, Who am I to you?
A, Who am I to you?

So easy to categorize.. Im either a friend.. A good friend.. Close friend.. Best friend.. Girl friend... or wtv..
But who am I in your heart? What place do I hold? Would I ever be replaced? Would you care if i told you every day I'm not ok... And believe that I'm not ok? OR would you be cynical? And tell me you understand but actually inside you're thinking " Bleah.. She'll pull thru.. She's just beinga drama queen..."

Why is it so impt? because we all live for something/someone...
and i dun see myself living for anything.. Except what I mean to others...
The day I mean nothing to everybody.. The day I have lietrally nothing to live for...
We all need someone... I just need everyone who I love to need me too...
Is it crazy? This need to be needed?

Sigh... Grow Up Mandy... =(

Friday, December 09, 2011

Everything's going haywire...

Or at least it feels like it is..

My world revolves around thai disco and alcohol nowadays..
Spending money like it's easy to earn..

Everything's wrong, no matter how right people keep telling me it is...
It feels wrong.. Something is missing...
Feels like once again, there's nothing to live for...

I dun wanna whine.. I dun wanna rant...
Cos it's pointless... I either give up, or I bite the bullet and move on...
There's no 3rd option...

I hate myself... Ever feel like the biggest enemy to yourself is yourself?
Im my baddest ass judge for myself..
Everything i do is wrong to myself..
And I cant help it... Neither can anyone else...

And recently, it feels like no one really cares enough to help me out of this dump im in.
Either I'm not shouting for help loud enough, or they just pretend not to hear me.
Cos im a mess... And why would anyone wanna be in this mess with me?

I need help... I need the kinda help that helps you out of dumps like this...
I have no hope, no faith and no nothing in anything...
If there's a god... You would do everyone a favour...
And just take me away from the surface of this earth...
Where ever else... Doesnt matter...
I wanna fall asleep tonight and never wake up...

Screwing every fucking little thing up...
Nothing i do is ever good enough for myself...
Fuck laa...

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

So, the quit binge drinking thing?
Didn't work out very well..
It was starting to work.
Then i had a argument with my mum and my brother again...
Then i went back to binge drinking...

Binge drinking isn't so bad..
Its the situations i put myself into after/during the drinking that sucks.
I learnt so much about myself through this...
And it didn't help me love myself better..
I just realize more reasons why I really don't like myself... :(

If i go into details...
I can only imagine the names your mind would start to register me as...
So i shall not...
But for those who give a shit...
Please know I'm trying.. I'm trying hard as hell not to run...
Trying to be the grown up i'm supposed to be...

But the first sign of trouble and stupidity... I run...
My mind registers abandonment and running away as the first option to everything...
I keep trying and i keep failing...
I'm only 21 and i feel like i don't have much faith or hope left to live the rest of my life.
You guys have no idea how scared i am sometimes...
How alone i feel, how afraid i am of the next stupid thing ill do...
Just for 1 moment of pure happiness...
Doesn't matter if regret comes later.
Doesn't matter if i know people are just using me...
Doesn't matter if i know its a mistake...

Just one moment of happiness..
And ill willingly put myself in the situation.
Then comes the after effect...

I'm just so fucking depressed...

Labels: So Fucking Depressed..

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Taiwan was alright... Nothing special..
Given a choice I wouldnt go there again, unless it's all fully paid for again...

Pictures will be posted on facebook.. No point posting pictures up here any more cos it take a long time...
And nobody really reads this space anymore...

Past weekend was spent with Vanessa hanging out and partying...
Lots of drinking, lots of money spending, lots of emotions all over the place...

I realised I'm still so young... I get to do stupid things and feel stupid about teh stupid things I do.
And I realised sometiems I try to hard to act mature and adult when all I want is to be a kid and act all childihs and lame... Not childish like jokingly... Like really childish...

But life's like that nowadays.. Grow up or get eaten... :( Sucks...

Met the boys for play time at NEBO AMK HUB. Was fun... After which something happened and ended the night early... So guess where I went? I wen to drink with Vanessa again...

Where do we go? V4... V4 has managed to hooked us on for the past weekend. And it's proving difficult to stay away... Easier for me cos I'm kind of sick of it already...

I dunno what I want in life.. I don't know what I'm doing...

But right now, my goal is to quit smoking...
Second goal was motivated by Wilson & Bryan to lose 1KG every week.
IF it happens, by End of Feb I'll be of acceptable weight...
1KG doesnt sound very difficult..
Wilson says all I have to do is 50 push ups, 50 sit ups & 50 jumping jacks everyday...

Sounds easy? FUCK you...
I'll never succeed... I always do thinsg halfway...
I always do it when I feel like and don't do it when I don't feel like...
I'm that kind of loser...

Sigh... Work sucks... I wanna get out of this shithole I feel like I'm in.. :(

Monday, October 31, 2011

Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster.

I woke up happy and excited. Was going to meet Logen, head to Ais's house for Deepavali party, and have lots of fun.

We were having lots of fun. Truth or Dare. Charades... Food... Been awhile since I have simple fun like this.
No alcohol. Just pure simple lame fun... :)

In the midst of the day, I had to ignore lots of calls from someone I care for.
Because I wasn't in the mood for lovey dovey and I just wanted 1 day...

I felt far away from all the problems in life...
If I 'd had picked up the calls, I'll somehow be reminded of why I feel so alone...
And I didn't wanna feel alone...
Yet I felt bad for leaving that person hanging...
Cos if I was on the other end of this situation, I'd feel fucked up...
But I was selfish, and I just didn't pick up the calls...
=(

Then I had good talk with Logen,
And he seems to be keen on the whole Work Holiday @ New Zealand...
So He'll be my buddy on this.. :) I was happy... Happy happy happy...
Cos I finally have a goal in my life... A realistic and reachable one...

Then I rushed home to tutor Bryan in English...
I was late so we had 1 hour to do our tution...
Stumbled upon a question about South Pole...
And Bryan insisted that South Pole is a HOT place cos North Pole is the one that is COLD.
I explained to him about the 2 poles being cold because they are further from the Equator which is where the Sun is closer to.. Which is where Singapore is near...
He refused to listen, he went to ask Clarissa & Wilson, that backed me up.
Bryan STILL refused to believer us...
Went to ask my mum, who said "I don't know"
Went to ask my dad, who said "I think it's hot.. Not sure, go check.."

So Bryan came in, shouted happily that my dad said "IT's hot"..
I went to Wilson's room, where Clar is googling it...
And the internet says it's cold...
Bryan insist we are all wrong...
I was super frustrated by then...
So I went to tell my dad and explained...
That's when my dad shouted and said
"I said I think! And I said go and check lah IDIOTS!"

Then I got pissed off... And just left the room...
Because my mum was asleep and arguing with my Dad,
I will always lose... Because I cannot argue with people I love...
I will cry, and they will take that as a sign of weakness...

So, I went back to my room with Bryan feeling all smug...
He brought the dictionary in and tried to search for South Pole.
I told him the dictionary won't have the answer...
Told him to Google it... He insisted that the dictionary has the answer...
I was to sick and tired to bother... Let him check...
He couldnt find the answer.. So he said "FINE! If you say cold then cold lor!"

Then I was so angry... So so angry...
But I just kept quiet... And tears started to well up...
Not ebcause I was angry...
But because I felt guilty... Because at that moment...
I hated my family... And I wanted to leave...

I felt bad that I wanted to leave...
I wanted never to be bothered by all of them ever again...
And as I was thinking about all the bad things I felt like saying to all of them...
I sat there, quiet, and tearing while Bryan finished his worksheet...
Then he looked at me and said "It's 10 O'clock.. I gotta sleep.."
He hasn't finished his work... But I have lost all mood to teach...
And he just went to sleep...

I sat on my bed, trying to force back the tears...
I needed to smoke... I wanted to pack my bags...
Bring 2 huge luggage with me and just leave...
I don't care if I have to sleep on the streets or beg my friends to take me in for a few days...
I wanted to pack my bags, and leave...

But I just sat there... Half wanting to leave, half thinking it's a bad idea...
That I've grown up... And if i blew up now... Lots of pple will get hurt...
I hated myself for what I hated at that point of time...

Bryan tossed and turned... He asked "Jie, are you crying?"
I said No.. He asked again "Why you cry?"
I said No... And off the lights, and went to bed...

Before I slept, I remember crying my lungs out...
Cos I had to keep the cries down.. But my heart felt ripped out of my heart...
And I despised myself...
Cos I felt pathetic... I run at the thought of rejection/hatred...

What is independence?

=( Blogging about it makes me all teary eyed again... Which sucks, cos I'm at work now...

Work... Hais.. Don't get me started...

Taiwan trip this weekend... I'm not excited about it...
Although most of the stuff are all paid for...
I'll prolly still have to spend... Plus, I think, I will want to drink alot there...
Cos, there's nothing else to do... With the people I'm going with...
Hais.... I'd rather drink myself to death than shop and spend money on things that I think looks nice...
And I'd rather drink and have the chance to pretend to be drunk, than to pretend to be inetrested in the things they have to say about work...

So fucking sick of this office job... I think every day I hate myself a little more because I'm still doing this, for the sake of money.. Sometimes I wish I had the hippie thinking... Money and material possessions ain't important... Life is short.. Have fun... FUN YOUR FUCKING HIPPIE BRAIN!! Fun needs money, most of the time... Fuck balls, I just want a rich boyfriend/husband... So I dont have to work and have fun... can or not?? Can or fucking not???

=(

Im starting to blog like I'm talking to myself...
Which means, I need to stop blogging..

BYE...

Sunday, October 30, 2011

I have a plan for my near future...
And it involves at least 3 months away from Singapore...
I intend to apply for a Holiday Work Pass and go to New Zealand...
This is to widen my circle of experiences and also, because... I just REALLY wanna go to New Zealand..
I don't mind doing factory work or being a waitress... I just want to get out of Singapore and experience a life on my own somewhere else.. Wilson says it's better if I have a friend to go with me.. But I dunno.. Somehow, I think maybe I should try doing it alone... Maybe I'll ask Logen if he wants to join me... But other than that... I think no one else in my life will be willing to do it with me... Or maybe Wilson wouldn't mind... :)

Well, Im bent on doing what I mentioned above. So, I've been looking up on the "immigration" procedures and the requirements. Seems like I fit the bill and all I have to do is apply and get all teh documentations ready. Buy the tickets.. And have enough money in my bank.. AND!! Im good to go! Hopefully .... Cos They still have to approve my application before I can go.. Cos they only approve 200 pple each year... Im hoping next year will be my lucky streak... So, please please please please PLEASE!!!!

So that's the plan.. .Hopefully the impending recession doesnt rule out this plan. Cos my Dad was telling me that if the recession happens.. All this plan have to be shredded into pieces and I'd prolly have to stick with my current job... :( Which I would definitely not be happy about.. ButI'll survive... Sometimes situation does not permit you to be the person you want to be.. That's life... But HOPEFULLY! This time, life won't be such a bitch to me.. And finally let me step out of the conventional life.. Just for 3-12 months... That's all I ask of you...

So, I've been thinking... If this plan works out.. Who'd I miss and who'd miss me?

My family definitely, top of the list...
My close friends that I hang out with almost every other week....
Other friends whom I still occasionally hang out and talk to...
Colleagues that are now considered my friends cos I spend almost everyday with them...
People who claim they like/love me...

That's it... 5 categories... I was lazy to name names.. and some names are sworn to secrecy...

My brother is really encouraging that I do this with a friend... But I dunno.. Not easy to find a friedn that would do something lidat with you...

Ok, apart from that... I will talk to my friend about his journey on this Holiday Work Pass thing.. See what he says... And do more research on this... Propose a beautiful proposal to my parents about this adventure that I wanna take.. Convince them that I'll be safe and it's really what I want... Im quite sure they won't disapprove.. Cos I run it through them briefly last night and they didnt seem too disapproving.. They just said it might be a bad idea if the recession hits.. and they didnt ask much after that.. maybe cos they think I'm not serious about it...

But when everything is more or less settled.. And they think that Im serious about it.. Maybe their reaction will change. I dunno.. I trust my family to trust me... So anyways, speaking about that.. It means that, I have to save up tons and tons of money... LIKE TONS!

So starting today, I will not binge drink... I will not CHIJMES around like Danny...
I will not spend much on food... CHeap hawker food and simple food is fine... Maybe once in a month pamper mysefl with good food... Not fine dining style but at least a nice steak or something..
Although I do not shop much, but once in awhile I do the occasional binge shopping.. So that has to stop too.. Buy what I need not what I want... For the rest of the things, cut down cut down cut down!!! Everything needs money nowadays.. So If I cut down my ciggarettes, I'd prolly save a whole lot too.. I'm at the stage where it's difficult to quit now.. Cut down? Sure can.. Quit? Maybe not...

So, The alcohol and the cigarettes are the main things I need to cut down/quit... Othe rthan that I would say I have been living frugally... OH YAH!!! I missed out one thing... Other than my impending trip to Hatyai... My Other impending trip to Phuket.. And my long planned trip to Gold Coast... I shall not plan any other holidays.. From now til Next year June.... I shall not plan any other holidays.. And save up for my long term New Zealand Holiday...

If this doesnt work how? IF I don't get selected how?? I WILL FUCKING APPLY FOR THIS SHIT EVERY FUCKING YEAR TIL IM THIRTY!!! OR MARRIED WITH CHILDREN!!! Cos that's the criteria.. Cant be above 30.. Cant have kids..

So, that;s my dream.. When I was young, my dream vacation was New Zealand.. Cos I think I remember seeing the most beautiful scenic picture of a place. And I asked my mum/dad where that was.. And they said New Zealand.. And KAPOW! My new favourite place.. And I remember everytime anyone asks me where I wanna go for holiday.. New Zealand was my first answer.. But I never got to go...

Now that there's a possibility I can go for a loooong time... Without having to spend as much money as I thought would be needed... I will die for this shit!!! And I've never been very motivated to do stuff til the end.. I was always dropping out halfway or just smoking through all the things in my life.. But this? This I need to do it.. To prove to myself mostly.. That there IS something to live for.. And that is to live for the happy moments in life.. Where you finally get to do what you want, the way you want it...
.
Those who loves me and still reads this blog.. Please, hope for me... I havent been happy lately.. havent been excited over something in a long time... And I havent been motivated to do something about my happiness for a long time.. So PLEASE! It will make me very very happy.. If all of you support me in this and help me hope that I get this.. IF I get this... I'll be happy for the longest time in 3 years..... :)

Friday, October 28, 2011

I had the mood to blogged just now. But after lunch, I lost all mood... But I just can't leave that thought hanging.. So here I am... Blogging...

So whaaaaaaazaaaaaaap? :)

Well, I have been asking myself plenty of life questions recently.
Starte dto question all the choices I made these past years.
And I came to the same conclusion I have had all these years...

I DON'T KNOW SIAAAAAA....

I think I'm being too hard up on myself.
I'm young, I'm supposed to be able to make plenty of mistakes.
And the consequences are suposed to be so small that it won't affect much of my future...
And it's true, so far, nothing I did is so huge that my whole future is ruined.
But that doesnt mean one day, it won't happen...

It just take 1 experience, too make it good enough to stick with my through out my entire life.
And while I am pretty sure that if I continue on this path, I'll get there soon enough..
I can't seem to find any reason to change my path...

What's my path?
Simple, enjoy now, think later...
But the irony in that is, most of the time, after I enjoy..
I immediately or almost immediately feel stupid about it...
Why? Because the things I enjoy aren't supposed to be enjoyed...

Danny and Harris have been saying that one day I'll get stomach cancer.
And it's nobody's fault when it happens, except mine...
They are right... But when they said that... There was only one thing on my mind...
"If one day, I really did get stomach cancer.. Will you guys still be there? Will you all still tell me the same old things you're saying to me? Will you feel sorry and sad for me?"
And then I realized, I think I really do wanna know how everyone I love will react when one day, I'm finally dying..

Will they wanna spend every single moment of my dying days with me?
Will they start telling me how much I mean to them?
Will they laugh and think that I'll be able to pull through it on my own?
Will they get angry at me and leave?
Will they start to realise that I'm too depressed and start distancing from me?
Will they finally get sick of me and my problems and fuck care?
Will they listen to me cry while I tell them I wished this?

Cos I wished for it, I wished to die... At every low point of my life, I wished someone would take my life..
Stop all the crap and stop the loneliness, and stop the pain...
Selfish... Stupid... Immature... Cos wanting to die is the last thing anyone should do...
Cos we grew up being taught life is a precious thing...
But to me, life is just a life.. You either live it, or you don't...

I don't believe in afterlife, I don't believe in heaven or earth..
Death is like taking the weight off your shoulders..
You die? You disappear.. Simple...
No lingering spirits, no rebirth, no heaven, no hell...

I believe in ghosts.. But, that's a whole different story..
Nothing to do with death... I think...

I feel a little depressed... But I keep telling myself that that's not it...
Im not depressed... Im just unhappy... I don't know what's the difference...
Cos it feels so much alike...

Sigh... Anyways, recently I start to feel like I need a change of environment...
I need to start something somewhere..
Cos maybe I'm just not happy where ever I am...
But it's so difficult to change things that's against the flow..
Either it's difficult, or I'm too lazy and demotivated...

Maybe I'm addicted to sadness...
It's like a natural instinctive feeling right now...
Every situation, I find a way to feel sad or any other negative feelings towards it...
And it sucks...

Work starts now..
FML...