"The art piece that stole my eyes is,
your face.

The music that attracted my ears is,
your voice.

The poem which is written in my heart is,
your name,......."

-taken from "someone's" friendster.

Sometimes words cannot speak of what the heart feels. Sometimes poems cannot replace the things you do. Sometimes i say i love you and you might not believe me. Sometimes i learn that giving up is just as difficult as not giving up. Sometimes i give up.

It's back to the small letters again. And this time i think it'll sound a tad bit emo. Why did it turn out this way? Again when i thought there was still hope to get better it hits me in the head and shows me who's boss. I just wanted everything to be ok again. For you to say it and mean it and do it. For you to tell me its okay and it really is okay. But it didnt happen. You kept on lying to me. you kept on hurting me. I told you i love you and i meant every word i say and i still do. But why do you use me like im nothing to you? Do you know what i want and need now? It's you but you are alays there only to hurt me. Not be there for me. For once i wanna see you somebody. A man i can rely on and count on. But why isit so difficult? I really did try. I told youin everyway i could i even showed you i care. Who was there for you all the time when you fall? WHo was there for you even when she feels like crap but you feel bad too? How can you treat me like this? I love you so much. I cared so much. But you dun even care and appreciate. Why do you make me fall so much into you, then kill me like this? Why do you hold on to me and make me stay, but when i stay you just treat me like crap again. How did you turn out this way when all i have for you was high hopes. Was respect, was love. And you made me into a monster i hate to see everyday. I hate listening to myself cry everynight. I hate listening to myself cry outside. I hate listening to myself whine and rant and cry all the time. I hate seeing myself like this. And i hate seeing you like this too. And i hate seeing us like this. How do we hold on to each other? You say it simply bcos i was always the pillar. And now this pillar falls where is the stability in this relationship? PLs save me. I beg you save US! I beg you dun kill us this way. Don't finish us off just like that.Save me. Pls. For once! Just this one big time. Return me the love i gave to you. Help me to stand up again. At least pick me up. Don't just leave, cold blooded creature don't leave. At least if yu really want to. Finish it short and sweet. Kill me. It's difficult feeling like this everyday and every night. It's painful. So pls. Save me now or kill me, hardhearted friend. =(

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything's all so screwed up. So so screwed up. I shouldnt have done anything at all shouldnt have tried anymore. The more i try the more i fall. Now i have no mood for class no mood for food no mood for anything except to keep to myself and wallow in this fucked up sorrow. Yeah this is mandy back to emo-ing herself. Why isit just so difficult to do something right? I want it to be okay. I want it to be fine. I want things to work out. I want my baby back the nicest way he could have been. I want all i used to have. I want to be happy and i want to smile and laugh like i used to and hug and kiss like as if all this didnt happen....... But it just doesnt happen the way i want it to be huh. It just doesnt. And it sucks.

On the lighter note im succeeding in losing weight bcos i havent have the appetite to eat for days. Even in a week i think i only ate one full meal. So yeah. Im losing that tad bit of weight. Somehow i wish i had appetite. Cos then it means everything is better and im happy again. But yeah. Once again life doesnt work that way.

Ok i guess this is all. Seeing my fren all hyped up and me here just blogging and emo-ing myself just sucks. I wish i had soemone who understood fully. Cos i dun. I dun comprehend this pain. HELP. Save me , saviour. Help me. I dun wanna cry anymore. It's so painful and hurting.

MANDY STOP ACTING NUTS LIKE AN EMOFUCK!!! GET A GRIP YOU WHORE!

Ahhhhh.. Something wrong happened to my damn laptop and i cant use it for nuts. Cant even log-in. Fuck i hate going to the IT desk. Im just no IT person. Why does IT always fail me. I hate technology. But it works wonders sometimes. So wtf. Hahaha. Now im using Izwan's laptop without his permission. Haha. Hope he doesnt mind. Aiyah. He wun mind lah. He very nice. =)

So yeah. Scool's as usual. Fucking boring. I thought Adek was coming today but she isn't. She got something on. So later ill be going with my friendsto the IG thingy. Cca orientation in secondary school term i thig. It's touch rugby for me baby!!! I hope i can join. Later go complications die. I dunno what to join. Lol. I wish i had mentos now to keep me awake. Im so dead. Im lazy to go to the nearb 7-11.

Hahahahaha. Ok. I'm jus really bored. I have break til 2pm and my group is done with the presentation. I wish i get a A this time round. I need an A!!!! I WANT AN A!!! Hahahahahaha. Aites aites. Okk. Why am i so hyper blogging but when pple talk to me im like half dead. Lynn thinks im not ok. Lol.. Im just. TIRED?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There isnt much more to say. Whatever i had to rant and shout and screw and say i've said to you. I hope this time. It goes through out the whole of your brain and you actually take me sriously. I have never had such strong emotions for one man before. Except my family members. It feels fucked up. And it continues to feel fucked up but what can i do? I still have to live everyday like the others do. You say you'll try. You say you will make it. You tell me not to go to others. You say to rely on you. YOu say to trust you. To say to have confidence and faith. Let me tell you. I did. I did have all those. Alot of 'em. But you threw it all away. I hope you truly understand. Im sick of myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks anonymous!! Your mum is right. =) Each days goes by i learn to respect myself more. Thanks for your words. And thanks Logen too!! You gave me suggestions. The one person who actually helped to give suggestions. And thanks Harris!! You just sriously rock as a listener. HAha.. And you still suck at tic-tac-toe and poker and checkers. Hahaha.. =)

Aites. BYE!

Oh no. I think my posts are getting more and more emo. In fact I'M getting more and more emo. Well you see, sometimes shit happens. I should open up my opportunities. Open up more roads for my convenience. Why stubbornly stick to one road wheni know its such a rough road. Like me mom always say "Explore your opportunities." Maybe its time i heed her advice.

So yeah. I think for every post im gonna dedicate some small words for ranting. Cos for now i need lotsa them ranting thingies. Im just realy fucked up about whats happening and i don't like it, AT ALL! And i don't like lies too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why has it become more and more complicated. My motive now is to teach him. The way he taught me. That even if you love someone, you give him shit. Sometimes its good to have a taste of your own medicine. So you know what shit you're giving to people. Anytime, he might break away from this "punishment". But till then, i still NEED to make him learn. Bcos its so unfair. For me, for himself and for the next girl he might have. It's so unfair. And i hate it. HOw can someone care for him so much and help him so much just to get back nothing but shit? HE knows it. I think he's getting a little flustered due to the "punishment" already. And it's only been 2 days. Lets see how he does with what i went through. 8 months of crap. We went through shit waaaaaaay back. So trust me. Even though we are officially just past our 6 month. It's been a hell for about 8 months. =) Now people, tell me how long you can deal with shites for? I mean the same shit over and over again. Not different problems. But the same thing bugging you all the time for 8 months. Tell me, dear friend, if you think you can handle it better than me. =) I'm willing for more constructive advice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DO YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN?
WHEN YOU PUSH HER AROUND.
DO YOU FEEL BETTER NOW?
AS SHE FALLS TO THE GROUND.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is its a great feeling you get from torturing me. You're disgustingly heartless. If you find joy in seeing my tears and pain. You're pathetically selfish. It's time you see what you gave. Feel what i felt. Taste what i tasted. It's time for another hard hit on the head. Wake up !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now i need to carry on with life everyday as if im happy and nothing's wrong. WHY is it so god damn difficult. PLease.

Face down - The Red Jumpsuit

Hey girl you know you drive me crazy
One look puts the rhythm in my hand
Still I'll never understand
why you hang around
I see what's going down
Cover up with make up in the mirror
Tell yourself it's never gonna happen again
You cry alone
and then he swears he loves you

{Chorus}
Do you feel like a man
When you push her around?
Do you feel better now
As she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend
One day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down
A new life she has found

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect
Every action in this world will bear a consequence
If you wade around forever
you will surely drown
I see what's going down
I see the way you go and say your right again
Say your right again
Heed my lecture

{Chorus}

One day she will tell you
That she has had enough
It's coming round again.. {repeat}

{Chorus 2x}

Face down in the dirt she said,
This doesn't hurt she said
I finally had enough.. {repeat}

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tell me how do you feel when you treat me like shit? How does it feel to be the murderer and not the victim? How does it feel to betray the one you say you love? How do you go behind that person and give a hard stab in the back...? Tell me how you achieve all your evil deeds. And still carry on your life like you're a saint. Tell me how you bitch around all day about how your life suck. When you're making someone else's life suck. Tell me if you really even care? Do you? Take me for granted. How does that feel? Taking someone's care, concern and love and stomp on it like its dump. Your swears, your promises. Always means nothing at all. How do you believe a liar? Enlighten me dear friend. You say moving on is difficult. Look again, you're being selfish as always. You play around. Try to get there. And when you can't. Nobody else can. Is that your so-called love? To be selfish and only you can succeed in life. Others have to be behind you. This world would suck if you were president. I gave you hope to be a better person. Gave you white lies to boost your self-esteem. And thanks, for your gratitude. Thanks for nothing. You say you don't know how to fix things. In the first place, don't spoil it if you don't know how to fix it. Take good care of it. But no. You take it for granted. Because its cheap. I'm cheap. Is that it? Im easy. Is that it? So you use me. To getto where you wanna be. And then im nothing no more. Why are you even holding on now? You got to where you wanted. Or have you not gotten enough? Do you want more fame, fortune, love? I'll give you all my money , if you would just v=care and stop taking me for granted.I'll give you reputation. If you just stop being sucha jerk all the time. For every mistake i am expected to forgive and forget. But for every one small thing you do good i have to praise, be proud, compliment, award, reward and make it as if its such a big deal. How about me??? How about me?? I have helped you so far to gain nothing at all. NOTHING!!! Did i ask anything from you? Did i ask too much? What went wrong, you asked. YOU!! You went wrong. Im not perfect either you say. But i try to be there. And i do something about it when i say that. I don't just say it. I do make mistakes. But my good deeds cover those mistakes up. I know. You think this is an understaement. That you try to. Tell me. How far did you go? How far would you have gotten. Without my help. Without my encouragement. Yes. Find it from your friends if you can. Or from another girl. I have no more strength to care or to even do anything about it except just blog about it and cry about it. If you can, move on. find another. Because, then ill be laughing. I'll have the last laugh. Because there will be two more fuck-ups in this world. Thanks for bringing the fuck-up outta me. I push you all the way up for you to kick dirt in my eye and laugh. This time. You cant see me. Your base is so far below. You have nothing more to step on to bring yourself up further. And from me to you. I will pull you down. Back to the start. Because this time, it's time i be selfish. It's high time i climbed back up. And be evil, and mean. For all those things you done to me. This is, RIGHT BACK AT YA!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do i still have feelings for him even after all that i say? Why is it that i cannot see myself being mean. Why cant i be that hard hearted bitch to bring him down. I brought him up. I can bring him down. I know i can. But why is it i cant find the heart to do so? I still care. And i still love. But why? Why is it that he has to be this way? Lies after lies. How can i even believe his love? He expects so much from me. And im not allowed to expect anything. How do i do this? Dear friend please tell me. How do i live with someone i love, who treats me like crap and takes me for granted. How do i go on from here? When there is no easy way out. How do i go against my feelings? And be evil. How do i pretend like it's nothing at all. When it's alot of things to me. How do i become happy like i used to? Lies. So many lies. Girls. So many girls. Fake words. Lies. what ever happened to

"I will never let you fall.
I'll stand up for you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all,
even if saving you sends me to heaven."
So many things. Running through my head now. Dear friend, help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DEAR PRINCESS, YOU SUCK. GET A GRIP. THIS IS WHAT DEFINES YOU AS A WOMAN. NOW LIFT YOUR HEAD UP AND BE WHO YOU TRULY ARE. A STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN. NOW LOOK AHEAD. AND BE YOU.

WHY DOES EVERY SONG LYRIC PLAYS SO NICELY IN THIS DRAMA IM GOING THROUGH???? WHY DO I HEAR ALL MY FUCKED UP STORY AS I LISTEN TO THESE SONGS? AND WHY DO THEY BRING BACK MEMORIES???
-Matchbook romance -Promise
-Finch - letters to you
-Red jumpsuit - Acoustic song & Face down
-Silverstein - My heroin
-Matchbook romance - lovers and liars
-akon - don't matter
-the used - its hard to say
-Emery - the secret
-Lonely september
-International You day
-Saosin - I can tell
-Silverstein - smiles in your sleep
-Ashley parker - Let you go
-Rancid - Maxwell murder

EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF HIM!!!!!! FUCK THIS WORLD FOR NOW.

p.s(will anyone call me tonight, to hear my cries?) gnite.

I have gone back to blogging every hour. Yes i am sad again now. And i just did something stupid. STUPID! And i still have stupid thoughts. Thanks god my mum came home just now. That woke me up. What was i thinking? I'm over. I'm done. I'm falling apart. What's left of me, is fading away. and i need a saviour tonight and every other night. Save me. From the rubbish im in and save me, from shit. WHY?

What did i do wrong ? What in the world did i do wrong? What ? Who did i kill? For him to kill me this bad. Who did i murder? for him to murder me like that. Who did i screw up? For him to screw me up like this. Who was i? I was crap. Nothing more but crap. Nothing more but a uselsss piece of dung. Not worthy of anything even if i do good deeds. Even if i try to help. Screw up or not im a screw-up. Im the fuck-up. The the useless piece of shit. Im pathetic. Im crap. Thanks. For making me ahte myself tonight. and the previous night. And all those other nights that you proved to be an ass. Thanks for teaching me something. That love is just an illusion i make. And this illusion, is fatal.

It's done. It's over. Harris you hear that? do you hear me? I need your cheeky crap now. Adek you hear me? Im done. Im done. Tonight i wun look for nobody. I'll look for myself. Cos i lost her so long ago. I lost myself. So long ago.

PLEASE MANDY GET A GRIP YOU FUCKED UP HOE!

When there was me and you -Vanessa hudgens

It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care

I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
Thats coming true
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was me and you

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
Once upon a song

Now I know your not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I can tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Cause I liked the view
When there was me and you

I can't believe that
I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind
Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Haha. Thanks anonymous for the comment. =) Lets keep you anonymous. I got the urge to ask who you are. But its more fun and mysterious just not knowing who you are. So lets keep it that way aites? =)

And Rizza! Lol. You...! Lol... The first person i actualy have a proper conversation with in class. Lol. I dunno why you like to check out gay dudes but well, you know which dude attracts my eye. Hahahaha... So hott. So hott... And he's smart! Haha. Wow. Three of us. One group. HAVOC BABEH! Lol. But yeah. I need to start concentrating on the work instead of eye candying. Lol.

Hmm, aites. Second day of school. Pretty boring cos its always about presentation. Wish there was something more. Well spending 9 bloody hours in this school. The longest break is from 11.30am to 2pm. Where at 2pm, we need to start presenting. And i've been skipping lunch to save money and to go on a little diet. Im trying not to eat at night too. It's time i buy more yogurts. Lol. And i ate a lil for breakfast. Which is gonna last me til dinner. So yeah. hopefully i lose abit of god damn weight. Im so fat now i wish a truck banged me. I think an elephant would find me attractive.

I need to exercise. I might be going to jog later. Or tonight. Cos another thing im pretty stressed out too. I think im on the verge of another break down. But i refuse to believe that depression is back. I hate that word. I need to destress. Adek is becoming closer to Jas bcos they stay so near each other and i guess JC students understands the schedule. So yeah. My only hope is that at least once a month i get to see her. I won't destress. bcos if the only time im with her im ranting about ugly moments. I'd rather stay home. I wanna let Adek have her time to tell me her stories. I've lost so much contact with her ever since JC started. =) It's okay. I guess we all got our own lives now. =)

Harris. He's sucha great friend. Truly a great friend. He wrote me a very touching comment on friendster. Haha. So sweet of him. And yeah. He's going thru some downs now and he seem to be quite strong. Keep it up harris! I mean he's a friend that still cares at least. And i guess i do care for him too. I wish him well with his problem and wish he would keep going strong even if he fails. =)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's over. Everything. Just everything. I just realise with a bang in the head how much he cares for me. He says he does. But its a fact that he doesnt know how to show concern and care. Selfish. That's the word. So selfish. I hate his selfishness. I cared, so much. I did all i could to help. He did almost nothing. All he cares about is for himself. Im sucha loser for believeing in all those delusions. Thinking he was the best and everything great. I was wrong. I was there for him all the time but he was never there for me. It's useless breaking down to him or even telling him bcos he'll prolly take ten times to learn one lesson. And im sick of being hurt so many times just to teach him ONE stupid value in life. What's this? Im a teacher now is that it? Im suppose to devote all my time and effort to someone who should already have it? That's fucking charity bitch. And it's unfair. Bcos i need him to be there for me at times to. And when i need him he either runs away bcos he;s scared of the problem or he just throws the problem back at me. It's so unfair. I go thru his ups and his downs with him but he busted me when mine comes along. He goes to have fun with his fucking friends. Dumbly follows in every guy footstep. Pick the friends when the girl is in deep shit. YEah. Y'know what? Fuck you. You don't deserve my anything! I gave you flowers you gave me crap. You gave me crap i still gave you smiles. So fuck you if you think its my problem bcos its yours. YOURS YOURS YOURS!!! You fucking dunno h ow to live your own life so you screw up mine. You played the sympathy vote and now it doesnt work anymore. Go work your shit on some other stupid person. Some other girl who would blindly love you and get herself entangled in this shit bcos im tired. Im sick and tired of being sick and tired. You make me sick.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah. I guess let's just pretend im okay for now. Im pretty okay with just crying myself to sleep everynight for the past week. So yeah. I dun wish to say anything about my weakness anymore. FUCKING LOSE WEIGHT!!! Thats all. BYE!

I NEED TO LOSE SOME BUTT KICKING WEIGHT! Gosh i swear im getting fatter and fatter by the day. All i do most of the time is eat. GOSH! There may be various reasons for this behaviour. Lets try to analyse it.

1) My boyf is a big BIG eater. So i follow suit.
2)Nobody really tells me that im getting fatter nowadays.
3)I'm too stressed up at times so i munch.
4)Temptations are everywhere.
5)Im going places, so i have more choices of yummy food.
6)Food is everywhere around me.
7)Nobody stops me form eating too much, they just pamper me.
8)I just find joy in eating even though im not hungry.
9)I havent figured it out yet.

Sigh. I watched Biggest Loser today on tv and it motivated me for that second. Then i watched JD modelling show and it made me feel like crap. Dammit. Why can i have at least a slim figure! Ok. Im just being self-pitiful. Forgive me. so greedy. Its ok. I'll try to slim down abit more. Means saving money too! =)

Aites. So school is starting soon. And somehow as it gets nearer i dun lok forward to it as how i did 2 months ago. Life is pretty much on the rocks now with lotsa probs with the boyf. And im so not ready for more screw ups yet. Just wishing a miracle would happen to show me some light. PLEASE?

I don't even have the mood to blog anymore. Im just sooo, erm, tired? I wanted to sleep after dinner just now. But, i tried and i couldnt. I settled for some tv and then came online. It's getting stale blogging tonight. CYA'ALL!

You guys have no idea how fucked up school orientation is. It is BORING! I have no fucking idea wat to do and where to go. And my friends are totally LEPAKERS that does nth but LEPAK! I wish i knew something but im dumb at poly shites. My laptop is absolutely useless. Cant get the damn wireles to work and i cant do ANYTHING with it. Havent got the damn thing configured as well. Exactly why im using my friends laptop and im fucking bored. Nothing! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do.

I gotta wait til 2pm here at RP and its raining. Is stupid. It's lame its dumb boring. I wish someone would come visit me. I just slept for 15 mins and it felt great!! Although i woke up with eye crap all around the corners of my eye im stil bloody tired. So lil sleep last night. Somehow i couldnt slep. I stayed up. Thinking. And doing about nth at all.

To Fateha, i have no idea wha you msged me and if i replied. But i noe you showed concern. I was pretty screwed up wen you msged me. So im sry. Im fine. Thanks for your concern. Shit happens. You know me. All kindsa shit. Haha.. thanks anyways.

To Logen, thanks for the beautiful comment. MAde my day. I guess anonymous went off. =) But yeah. Thanks. I love you too. You're absolutely a great listener and i miss talking to you. I've een so freaking caught up recently. But thanks for still caring. =)

To adek, i miss you seriously syg po. You're great! great complany. Great friend. GReat everything! I love you dek and i miss you so freaking much! I cant wait to hear all the new stories about you new life. =) Loves you pretty damn much babes! =) MUAX!

Well well well, now its geting way borin. Just me and sowsiq here lepaking. MAybe il play some cards. Nobody called me yet. Im so bored. I wish i had plans. Fucking sleepy head. Im becoming more vulgar these days. Sorry if i offend anyone. Just realy need some destessing and all of you know what i do when i destress. Spout nonsensical things and vulgarities.

There's lotsa hoties in RP. Guys girls all of them. Lotsa them. Actualy i think there'l be more over at other poly(s) but im stuck with this so might as well enjoy it. The only thing that is god here is the bloody food and the eye pleasers. Until my laptop works! TOODLES!!!!

Thanks anonymous for that really sweet and nice comment. It prolly was the only thing that made my day. But still, things screwed up today. Anonymous, to whoever you are. Can i pretend like im talking to you? Like nobody is ard to judge me and tell me if im wrong. I dunno if you're reading but lets just play pretend.

Today was alright. I went for the orientation with a good open mindset and i started of well. I got into a classroom full of strangers. And amazingly despite my swollen eyes and lingering heartache, i got thru it pretty well. I made jokes. I felt like, me again. Like finally me again after so god damn long. Like a breath of fresh air. Like they were actually laughing at my jokes instead of laughing at me. And i felt lonely all of a sudden. Felt like sucha fuck up. I wish i had Harris to talk to at that point of time. Or maybe Adek. But fuck RP was fucking humongous and those hott guys were just not enough to make it all better. I had nobody. WHo actually tries to understand. Or maybe understood. anonymous do you know?

Then after school i went ard with the gang and met Farhan otw. Got me my favourite choc moist cake from secret recipe and my fave apple aloe vera drink. Was pretty sweet. But it all went downhill from there onwards. I got really tired. I don't know why. As in physically tired. I guess its a sign. I wanted so much just to run away. But he didnt allow it. You know? It wasnt a screw up. Until just now. When he made yet another mistake. AGAIN! WTF! YEah it is a small thing. It's still wrong. How many wrongs must he make to make a right? How many? And i asked him to go away. anonymous, you know how heartaching it is to tell your love one to go away? How difficult it is to walk on trying so hard not to look back bcos you want to stand your ground? Do you know? And i walked on and on until i couldnt take it anymore i sat down at a corner and i cried. I know it sounds emo anonymous. I know you think im stupid and pathetic. But when you really want the best for someone you love, and you have to put up so much just to make him/her understand.You would do it right? despite the heartache, despite the urge to run back.

He just doesnt understands. He doesnt. It's not about getting back together and just being the same. everyday, every single day since we began i cant rmb one day, that he actually didn't screw up. 6 months 5 days. Its short i know. But it felt so draggy, so long, so tiring. And this time im so tired. I just need someone to take over the wheel for awhile. Let me rest. But the point is, HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE! In a metaphorical way, i mean.

Tomorrow is his bday. And despite my tiredness and my anger, i try to fulfill my promise to celebrate it with him. But tonight, he is spending his 12.00am with his lepak friends. I cannot call him i cannot msg him. He has no phone. Bcos he sold his spoilt phone and now he has no phone. Am i to be thick skin and call his friend's hp to say happy bday? I noe maybe saying it at 12am sharp is not significant to some. But it is to me. And this time i cant do that. Why am i even wasting my time and money? He doesnt even appreciate it. I skip my school orientation to fulfill my promise. WHAT PROMISE DID HE FULFILL?!?!?! None. None since the day i met him NONE!

What did i do wrong anonymous? WHAT?! Did i not show enough love? Did i not show enough patience? Was i too bitchy? WHY? Even after the break-up, i still cared and tried. I could have screw it all and just not care about anything and do whatever i want to do. Cruel? Like my friend's girlfriend? I cannot bear to be so cruel. And yet it seems like its my fault that i pick on his little little mistakes. Tell me am i wrong to want my man to be a righteous and respected man? Am i wrong to try to help my man be a better person by rectifying his mistakes. Anonymous, AM I WRONG!?!?!? AM I??

Who do i shed these tears for? He don't see me cry. Why should i show him when i know he cant do anything about it? My weak side is only shown to myself and he thinks he's seen it all. HE HAS YET! Not even close. How do you tell a retard that you're retarded too? How do you show your weakness to an already weak person? Am i wrong to keep pushing myself and protect his feelings? Somethings i let him learn on his own. Some i try to prevent. But the more i prevent the more it happens. And i wish it stops. I wish i wasnt so tired. TLC isn't just enough now. It complies doesnt it anonymous? When all the time the mistakes come from the other party it complies doesnt it? And when lil things matter thats when you know that its already way pass the big things, way pass drama. I just want a normal relationship. With not so many screw ups and a gentlemen who brings me out to dinner and a movie and actually able to make me feel like a girl again.

Anonymous, tough times are usually a consequence of two people mistakes. But mine its just the consequences of one. Im not pushing the blame here. Tell me when did i ever screw up ? The only one time was when his 4th scandal screwed me up. Tell me, when did i not fulfill my duty as a girlfriend and when did i ever backstab him? Betrayal? Deceit... All he gave to me and i didnt give back. Sometimes at night i wonder why im still sticking on. Still trying to hold on to something so slippery. Is it me? Do you think its my fault anonymous? When you screw up with your partner in the past did you blame yourself? How do i blame myself when i know so well the blame is his?

HARRIS! DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME??? IM NOT LUCKIER THAN YOU. I'M NOT WAY BETTER OFF THAN YOU. I HAVE DILEMMAS TOO! I HAVE CONFUSING THOUGHTS TOO! I GET SHIT TOO!

I need someone to save me tonight. Why does all this happen on joyous occasions? When its spose to be happy he drains out all the happiness. Leave me high and dry. I have nth more left to give. I really don't. Save me. Stop the lies the crap the mistakes. For once give me a break. Save me. Where do i go to for it to stop? today as i walked along the MRT tracks i had wrong thoughts. Thoughts that would send me directly to hell. It's THAT painful. You guys know me im not emo now. IM NOT! I WAS NEVER EMO! Im not depressed. But this is how far that pain brought me! Will i lie about such things? Anonymous. If you can. Make my day again tmr. =) Will be waiting. Im sorry i sound desperate when i dun even noe who anonymous is. But this sis all i can turn to noe. A faceless stranger. Thanks. Thanks. I'll do the same thing i did last night. Cry myself to sleep. Gnite.

If life is a box of chocolates like what forrest gump's mummy used to say. Recently i have been picking those with earwax in it. Shitty shitty shitty. Wtf is wrong with that box of chocolates. It clearly showed "Love conquers all". But then when i opened it an unexpected stench hit my nose like a bus. Gosh. If life is a box of sour plums. I think i took those rotten ones. I hate boxes now. Boxes of PUNATS! Wtv tat means i just like that word. Haha...

Yeah. Tmr's the orientation for RP. Like what logen said "huge masses of strangers". I dunno whether to be happy or sad at this point of time bcos i just wish to lock myself in this room and stare at the computer till my last breath. We'll see. I'll prolly go for the first day and if there's nothing tat interests me there i prolly would skip the rest of it. Load of bull crap. My mum wun be happy abt that. ;)

Haihaihai. I met up with an "old" friend just now and we talked. We both screwed up. Or more accurately our life screwed us up recently. And we erm, had an awesome talk. It was like we both knew wat situation made us do and how it ended up like that. the only thing we asked ourselves was "so what now?" And i guess we came up with an unanimous answer. DON'T KNOW~! Which was , typical. =) Haha. I never did had a good clean and feel good talk with guys except two of my guy friends. Logen and Harris. Cos somehow they dun seem and feel so egoistic and they're not chauvinists who thinks men are above women. Equality, we practice that. =)

I never thought it would end up this way. Holding on was great yet tiring at the same time. Romantic yet scary at the same time. If love brought us this far, despite the break-ups, the scandals, the screw ups, the break downs, the mistakes, the deceit, the violence, the craziness. Will it bring us further inside? And if it does will it get more difficult? will we get more lost? Gosh oh gosh oh mother fucking gosh. I wish i had answers. I wish someone would give me answers. I wish i had no such tots in my minds. Pls save me, you were always not there for me. This time. Save me, if you can. Im tired. You screw me up. YOU! Of all people, YOU! Of all the pple i care for, YOU! Of all the pple i love, YOU! When will you stop. LIES. LIES! Are all you will ever live by. KARMA will get you one day. KARMA! cos for fuck's sake im tired of stabbing you from the front when all you do is stab me from the back. You got better. Thanks for making me worse. But thru all of this, for now, i wish you would save me. But fuck it. You're dead.

right. So thats one dedication for you alright. finally one that actually helps me to sooth abit of my mind. but still, words will always be JUST words. You'll never get it and i will always be wishing you knew. ALWAYS! This is no fucking exaggerating staement. Not overstating not understating. THIS IS THE FUCKING TRUTH! You guys know me. If im exaggerating i would noe it and i would say it. TRUST ME! Fatigue and exhaustion. Im waaaay beyond that now. EMO? Aku tak emo. Sedih? Way pass that phase. Now im just blank. A blank piece of paper. Refuse to be written on. Refuse to be useful. Refuse my purpose on earth. So tell me now. DO YOU CARE?! cos i fucking don't. =)

Alrights. Tmr's "the big day".. Buhbye~ Im off to go do something to make me tired enough to sleep. I heard crying helps. =)

Hello im mandy..... Im pretty much obsessed with myself.











Sometimes i think that wearing beanie is hott and they call me emo.















Sometimes i try to act sexy in the bathroom.















Sometimes i feel like kissing someone.











Sometimes i TRY to act emo. =)






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Sometimes i get lazy to upload more pictures so ill do it again soon. =) Gnite pple. Im heading to M'sia now peeps. Gonna miss you guys for a couple of days babes! Gonna miss you baby. =) IM GONNA GET YOU & ADEK SOMETHING!!! WEETS!!

Im so bored. I miss him. He's working. We had a rough day today. Confessions after confessions. I made a mistake. It's so wrong. He shouldnt still be here. He should have left. look for someone better. But he did not. So did i. It baffles me how come these emotions seem small compared to his love. I've never experienced anything like this. There must be something wrong with me. Why do i resent this kind of love? I like it. I want it. Yet i push it away. There is something terribly wrong with my mind and i have yet to figure out wat it is. I hate not knowing.

I miss him. I wish everything was so much better between me and him. All the maybe(s) and if only(s) are filling my mind up with rubbish now and i wish i could do something more constructive other than blog.

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Take a trip under the ground
Take a little look around
Baby don't you know
People come and go
Oh just like the rainbow
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Lyrics from a song. For someone i know who's learning the walks of life. Learning how to walk and run. For someone i care for, who is facing the cruelties of the world. Tasting the bitter sweet of being an adult. going thru the process of growing up. For YOU(you know who you are), people come and go. Some you'll rmb some you will not. Some will rmb you some will not. But for anything it's worth, Im here now. And i'll always be.. =)

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Nobody wanna see us together
Nobody thought we'd last forever
I feel I'm hopin' and prayin'
things between us gon' get better
Men steady comin' after yme
women steady comin' after you
Seem like everybody wanna go for self
and don't wanna respect boundaries
Tellin' you all those lies
just to get on your side
But I must admit there was a couple secrets
I held inside
But just know that
I tried to always apologize
And I'ma have you first always
in my heart to keep you satisfied
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Haha.I chged abit of the words. But these words speak so truly of the situation im in. =) Welps.. Shit happens right? =) We'll get over it soon enough. Haha...

Aite aite. Guess ill blog again soon. TC! Buhbye~