I had a good dream this morning.. I dreamt that you msg me.. That you told me that you're worried for me and that you know that im going to Ipoh and you feel that something bad might happen there and you you asked me to look after myself and to take good care and told me you wanted to meet me before i go. I dont know why i dreamt like this and why i felt good after i wake up. Maybe cos ive been thinkiing so much and going to Ipoh seem to me like an escape. Even though technically its not an escape from anything but it increases the probability of something bad happening.
I spent the whole of today slacking at home. Swithching channels. Wondering what the fuck is happening to me cos every channel i watch, i seem to be watching something that sparks up so much emotions and i keep thinking about Allen. I dont know. I dont know what is happening to me. Im losing it... Everything around me becomes nothing compared to this confusion and pain that im feeling. And i guess it might be cos im weak or just being whiny and lame and naive and stupid. But everyone have been thru this stage i guess.
Last night i cried. Because i thought about my mama. My grandmother. And i miss her so much. And i remember how she used to call me, how she'd scold me and tease me. How she was when she started to get sick. Then i felt remorse, regret and so much sadness. =(
Anyway, i had an awesome birthday. Trying to be contented here... Doesnt seem to be working.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I was wondering just a few days back... If i ever wanted to be suicidal. Would i leave a letter to each and everyone whom i love? Or would i leave just one long letter... Or just leave nothing? I figured... Maybe itll be better if each one gets their own.. For keeps sake... And i was watching a show that day... And i got imspired. I know how i want my funeral to be like. I want people to be having fun. Not solemn not devastated. I want them to rmb me as the one who makes them happy.
I think im sucking at my job as a human. SERIOUSLY sucking big time. Im screwing up everything and i cant or dont seem to be making anything right. maybe getting my power boat license would do me some good. Steal money or something rent a boat and go far far away... =\ Then .... die....
Had a good birthday week and many great celebrations. WIll talk about it again. Not in the mood to talk anymore.
I WISH YOU WOULD BE HERE WITH ME ON MY BDAY. INSTEAD OF JUST A FUCKING FACEBOOK WISH. WHAT THE FUCK AM I NOW.... JUST A LOSER LOR.... "Happy or not happy also must go on de lor..." GO ON? Go on... Haha... Wish lor.. Can wish that i will go on lor.... But i think wont be happening anytime soon ba. stuck in the fucking middle and you're acting like the optimistic fuck you are... what happened to fuck everything and just try and love each other... Prove to them that i can do whatever i want to achieve? I cant even fucking prove to you that thing between us can work. Cos you wun let me... So "can de laaa" .. Is so easy for you to say... Cheater... why you gotta go and do and say these things to spoil our relationship? Clear things up with me cant ma? I'll be entirely honest. And ill drop every other one of them, if you'll give me a way out of this fucking misery.. ...
CANT WAIT TO FIND THE PERFECT DOG FOR MY FAMILY... I dunno.. maybe now is not the right time for me to get a dog cos i dun even wanna live... But if i dun wanna live, but i noe im not gonna die, cos i vow never to take my own life... THEN HOW?? THEN FUCKING HOW?? =( EMo again.. cb....
THANKS MY AWESOME FREINDS FOR ALL THE AWESOME BIRTHDAY GIFTS... I got a dildo yo!! =) Awesome... lets go do a test drive... ;)
Monday, March 22, 2010
I had a great time yesterday...
Morning was DIM SUM with my awesome family.. IT WAS GOOOOOD~~~
Then next was going to SPCA and some dogs shelter to look for my REAL birthday present which is gonna be A DOG!!!! YES!!! FINALLY A DOG!!! IF any of you all have any friends who wants to give up a dog. PLease let me know. We saw a cute little maltese mix breed but its still on hold... Dont wanna rush into this kind of things. Must have the right chemistry before anything. SO IM GETTING A DOG PREEEEETTY SOON!!! Awesome huh? If only you were here to share this joy with me...
AND THANKS TO MY AWESOME FRIENDS :
Yeni, Fateha, Azim and more... Asri made the night end awesome... =) Loll.....
Met new friends like Haida, Ethan, and Izzat...
THANKS GUYS. Thanks faizal and HAKIM also for being there and a good time.
THEY MADE THE LATER PART OF THE DAY UNBELIEVABLE.. ;)
I dont understand why you dont want to work things out again with me. Nothing is ever simple and easy. Its just the not giving up part. We're better than this i know it. Im nothing without you. Or at least i feel like im nothing without you. Nothing have meaning anymore and i dont see shit in doing anything. I just wanna laze around in bed and die. But look at me now, what the fuck am i doing? I know you know things. And i know there's a high chance that you are angry and upset about it. But you didnt have to do it like this. How am i going to fix thiings when you're unwilling here? DIFFICULT? what is not difficult? Living is difficult. Maybe in your point of view, im making living mmuch more difficult for you. But we just need to work out something that works for us. Give me a chance... Gosh...I always wondered... If we didnt give up whatever we gave up half a year ago... Would things have changed? Would you have stick with me longer? Would we have been happier? WOuld we have found a way by now to live with each other without anger and resentment? But then again.... Whats done is done. Its gone now and i dont wanna use it as something to talk about because then you'll just think im pressuring you and using the past against you. Who am i to say anything.. I did wrong... I was too much of a bitch to see what i was doing to you. But you never spoke up. the only time you did is when we quarrel but after that you'll say sorry and tell me you didnt mean what you say. What should i believe? Your sorries or those words you throw at me when you're angry? How was i to know... Yeah... Im not as good a lover i thought i could be. NOT AWESOME... Not to you anyway...
Ipoh soon. Cant wait. DRINK.. NEED... TO... FUCKING... DRINK.... And im still in the midst of looking for a god damn job. fuck my life. Maybe ill go work FNB instead. Sell my life to the world of nightlife. Weighing the pros and cons.. Dont what i should do.. I dont wanna give up... =(
Someone tagged me on facebook saying what would make me hotter... And its if i become less emo and smile more.. HAHA.. DIONA!!!! You're awesome. Im so glad you're happily in love.. =)
AND HELLO AFIQA IF YOU'RE READING THIS!!! Im not suicidal today!! =) Still emo but not suicidal... =) And thanks for all your compliments that was passed on by your boyf. =) I dont know if he passed on any of my compliments to you too but you're AWESOME... =) Isk is lucky to have you.. =)
I need to apologise to alot of people. People whom i;ve hurt so many times and hurt so deeply due to my insensitivity and my lack of sympathy and emotions recently. But i dunno how to go about apologizing and fixing thinsg because i dont see a point in doing so. If i apologise, you all will think that im ready and willing for a change. Im not... Im not. I STILL wanna lie in bed all day and cry and whine and feel like dying. But i know what is right and what is wrong. And i know i probably wont be dying anytime soon unless accidents happen to my pathetic life.
So i need to apologise. Not all of you will read this. But slowly ill fix these stuffs. Just give me sometime. To find back a reason to live.. And to find the motivation to do things that i should have done a long while ago.. To eliminate these thoughts of fighting for something that doesnt want me back in that way... I need time. And in the mean time, cos of my temperaments ill probably hurt alot of you and forget alot of others. But i want you all to know i love you and that i may be fucked up at times but im only human. Im not as awesome a person as i paint myself to be.
The people i owe the most to. Is my FAMILY. My mum and dad have been so worried cos i havent been home so much. By the time i reach home and fall asleep is about the time they leave for work. And when they're home im out... I know. They're worried and concerned. And i know that because they told my brother who then came and talk to me. And i know i shouldnt bother them like that because they have enough on their minds already. My brother is in the army and just got back together with Clar. And he has lots to handle on his own. I shouldnt barge into their lifes like an attention seeking bitch like that. But i cant help it. Im sorry. And BRYAN... That little angel of mine...
This happened a few nights ago...
ME : "BRYAN, Life sucks.." BRYAN : "Why does it suck jie?" ME : "Cos it just does..."
He waited for 5 minutes while playing his game and then turned around to me and look at me...
BRYAN : "Jie.. Dont worry ok? Tomorrow life wont suck anymore..." ME : "Why?" BRYAN : " Because its close to midnight now... So tomorrow wont suck..."
And i started to cry while he was using the laptop to play games... Even my brother was more optimistic than i am.. And im suppose to be the one protecting him from all these evil thoughts and things in the world...
I hugged him from behind and he felt something wrong and....
BRYAN : "Jie are you crying? Whats wrong?" ME : "I dont know Bryan.. Life sucks... "
Bryan immediately wen to off the laptop and he asked me in the nicest way anyone could...
BRYAN : "Jie... You want to go watch tv? I'll watch with you.."
And he smiled the sweetest smile to me while he wiped off my tears and told me not to cry...
I felt like such a loser. My 8 year old brother have to comfort me. My EIGHT YEAR OLD BROTHER had to see me cry like a baby and make me happier by giving up his game just to watch lame adult shows with me on tv. While we watched tv, he kept looking at me and he hugged me. He never let go. He let me watch whatever i wanted to watch. He kept making sure i wasnt crying anymore. What did i do to deserve such a good family. I must have done something right somewhere... =\
Well.... Lets see if there's a silver lining in this situation. =)
I WONT LET GO.... NOT YET....
Thursday, March 18, 2010
PLEASE WATCH THIS... PLEASE WATCH THIS AND REMEMBER.... =(
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I know you know shit. I know you feel like shit. But why the fuck cant we be fucking honest and fucking fix these shits? What the fuck!!! I dont fucking understand the situation now. How come you dont wanna clear it up with me? How come you dont want to fix it out with me? Why must it all be so ruthless and cruel? Why must cheat ourselves? I dont fucking understand??? What is real what i fake?? Knn cb....
I really dont understand. I dont whether to cry or to laugh about this shit. You seem like a nice guy. I thought you were. But why were you so fucking harsh? What did you hear about me that you think you should just be harsh and end it all right there and then? What the fuck did you think i do?
Why cant i have a chance to explain? Why i dont have the chance to fucking defend and fight for this shit? CB. I dont understand. YOU REALLY REALLY DONT WANT THIS? I still dont fucking get it. KNN. I hate this confused feeling. How come must be like that? Why cant we like, work it out and stuff? Am i really doing this one-sided ma?
Hatiku selalu bersamamu..... (if thats how you say it in malay) I really cant put it down like this. I cant fucking see it crumble and go "oh fuck it" with you. I fucking cant... CB. you fucking haunt my fucking dreams. How the fuck? HOW??? Knn. maybe its exaggerating. But i fucking dont see meaning in shits anymore without you. Fuck now everything i do is about trying to get you outta my head, my life, my heart.... I CANT DO THAT LAH... I really cant lah...
Its not fair. I know to try to get over you i did many fucked up things that is not only unfair to you, its unfair to alot more others and myself... But fuck... I was trying to get over you. Girls do fucked up and stupid things to get over stuff. Im sure sometimes guys do too. Fuck, gimme a break. Gimme a fucking chance to mend this shit. Why must it be like this? I cant fucking get my mind off you. No amount of sweet talking and lovey dovey shit is enuf to get you outta my head.... How come you just dont wanna give it a fucking chance???
Its true what a friend told me... " YOU BOTH JUST NEED TO FUCKING GROW UP"
Yea.. Just grow up can? We grow up to-fucking-gether... fuck the drama fuck everything just chiong one more time and see where it bring us is wrong ma??? I cant love another while loving you. I just cant. And i cant let you go... Why nobody seem to get it.... Lifes a fucker...
Im going to drink. fucking emo shit. Like what many people will say... Emo fuckers should die... Yah. Fucking die.... DIE..... DIE!!!!! gods a bitch.. If god hears your prayers... god will kill me... show me how bad can it be.... Dying doesnt seem so bad to me... An unatural way of natural death seems so cool... Pray that god kills all emo fucks... PRAY MATHA FUCKAS PRAY.
2 options... run away? or die....? run away still sounds scarier... plus running away in this fucked up world requires tons and tons of money... unless i would like to run away and then die.... not the option i was looking for. Have you ever thought of ways you could die just by being the everyday average you? Like if a drink driver knocks you down... Or if the contruction crane malfunctions and drops a 100ton of rocks on you... or if there was thunder and lightning and you get struck by that slight percentage of high power voltage... or if the bus crashed and you fly out 5 metres from the vehicle and get crushed by another vehicle...
There are so many ways to die... So im thinking if i think of more ways... there might be a higher chace of at least one happening.... maybe ill choke on alcohol and puke my lungs out and then die like a fihs out of water... Oh maybe my gastric acid will become so acidic itll eat up my inerds and ill melt into a pile of nothing.... I should do a gory movie before i die... Sounds like a plan....
Fuck happy tots... i dont like things that can come and go as they please.... Like you... I dont like you people cos you can come and go as you please... i dun like anything anymore... cos some one took most of my heart away and never seem to have enuf time to return it.... Wah... like song lyrics... ok.. im starting to talk to myself on my blog.. GOOD JOB MANDY.
I never thought I’d.. be in love like this When I look at you my mind goes on a trip Then you came in.. and knocked me on my face Feels like in I’m in a race but I already won first place
I never thought I’d fall for you as hard as I did (as hard as I did, yeah) You got me thinkin bout our life our house and kids (yeah) Every mornin I look at you and smile cause boy you came around and you knocked me down.. knocked me down
[Chorus] Sometimes love comes around (love comes around love comes around) and it knocks you down Just get back up When it knocks you down (knocks you down) Sometimes love comes around (love comes around) and it knocks you down Just get back up When it knocks you down (knocks you down)
Say u gotta put the good with the bad, happy and the sad So will u bring a better future than I had in the past oh Cause, I don’t wanna make the same mistakes I did I don’t wanna fall back on my face again Whoaa, whoaaa I’ll admit it, I was scared to answer love's call Whoaa, whoaaa and if it hits better make it worth the fall
(When it comes around)
[Chorus] Sometimes love comes around (love comes around) and it knocks you down Just get back up When it knocks you down (knocks you down) Sometimes love comes around (love comes around) and it knocks you down Just get back up When it knocks you down (knocks you down)
Insppired by Aiden's blog...
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
DIE BITCH DIE.... WHY SO MANY PEOPLE DIE BUT I DONT DIE????
Knn. i think im deciding til wait til the last minute til my body cant take this shit anymore and i faint and die on the road then maybe ill decide what to do with my life.....
I guess why i like to read the twilight movie is because i feel for BELLA SWAN.... I feel that hole in the heart difficult to breathe when thoughts of shit comes into my mind thing... =( Fuck life....
Why so many people die i dun die.... =(
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ COLBIE CALLIAT - I never told you
I miss those blue eyes How you kiss me at night I miss the way we sleep Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile I miss the way we breathe But I never told you What I should have said No, I never told you
I just held it in And now,I miss everything about you Can't believe that I still want you and after all the things we've been through I miss everything about you
Without you I see your blue eyes Everytime I close mine You make it hard to see Where I belong to
When I'm not around you It's like I'm alone with me But I never told you What I should have said
No, I never told you I just held it in And now,I miss everything about you Can't believe that I still want you and after all the things we've been through I miss everything about you .................................................................................
YOU JUST FUCKING DONT UNDERSTAND!!!!!
I NEED TO DIE...
Monday, March 08, 2010
Got into a minor car accident. Dont wanna talk about it. Anyway main point is i feel like i never want to drive again.. =( SUCKS being me. I hate myself so bad now i wish the gastric ulcer will eat me alive from inside..... =(
On the other hand it seems possible. My tummy hasnt stopped aching since yesterday and i feel like im dying slowly. I try. I keep trying to eat on time but i cant. And even if i do, i vomit everything out almost immediately after i consume anything. Like today for example. I woke up at 7 plus to go to the insurance place to do a report with my dad. I crapped watery shit 4 times and still counting. I vomitted "lime juice tasting" puke even though i never eat or drink anything. Im guessing its gastric juice/acid or wtv crap it is. So yeah. It seems like my wish of dying from gastric may just come true.
I know all of you who read this and give a shit about me might think im silly, stupid or plain or fucked up-ly fucked up. But yeah. You're not me. =) So you'll never know how i feel. You can judge all you want.
Im in a fucked up mood today. Anyone that fucks with me will probably become my enemy today. But then today im having steamboat. So lets hope steamboat cheer me up. Have you ever tried steamboat using a rice cooker? Today ill try it. =) Ill let you know how it goes. Haha....
So once again my birthday is coming and on the 21st its "bring a guy we have never met before" day. So im bringing my friend Faizal. And i guess the rest of the girls will be bringing some other guys. Wonder how it'll turn out to be. Maybe itll be fun. But im guessing itll just be normal, a little awkward but just normal.
singlehood isnt fun when my mind keeps wanderinig back to thoughts of you and i.
I keep dreaming of dying these days. Maybe its a sign. Some people tell me dreaming of death means a change in your life. Maybe that change will be me dying. Wouldnt that just be great? But i promised a best friend of mine. If ever i wanted to die, i would ask her along. =) Still contemplating...
Ok. I know i say im trying to be happy here. But everytime i say that i end up doing the exact ooposite. SO yah.. Ill keep trying. CHEERIOS.
Friday, March 05, 2010
There's something about you thats so addictive.....
I go insane everytime you come around... =(
I wish it waqs so easy as to tear you out of my heart...
Telling everyone that we're through doesnt make it any much easier... =(
so here we go again....
Sigh.... Another fucked up friday... Same shit everyday....
I read Farhan's old blog last time. And i realise... his pain....
Maybe in some way or another i deserved this...
Retribution. For all the bad things that i do. KARMA
God's playing punk with me. And theres nth i can do.
IM NOT AWESOME TODAY ... =(
I forgot to eat my medicine last night and this morning. I find it so difficult to look after myself nowadays. I dont see the motivation to do anything. cant fucking find a job that likes me and i like either. So im half-fucked here...
How come i try so hard to not lie to everyone i love ard me. But still somehow these lies appear here and there. Not my lies. The only person i lie to is myself. I lie to myself to make things feel better. To try to push the fucked up things away. Maybe thats the problem. I should stop lying to myself. Honesty begins with myself. =( It's no use. Whatever i do it turns out wrong. I dun deserve shit. I deserve to die.
My mind isnt working right these days. My mood swings happens anytime anywhere with anyone. It scares me and it prolly scares away some of my friends too. Is insane the right word to use on me? Or am i just plain ol weird. Somehow i seem to blend so well with negativity. It eats me up and turns me over and i somehow turn into a fucked up person. I really am trying to be happy. But everytime i am alone... My heart turns grey...
I wish this gastric ulcer would eat me up from inside and i would vanish soon. Soon..... I wish i would vanish... I want to... disappear.... I dont want to face all the complications involved in all the actions and decisions i make. Yah...
TODAY IM A COWARD.... =(
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Im sick.. =(
Vomitting all the time after i eat and i went to see a doctor finally... =(
Dr Jeremy Edward Lee says that i may have gastric ulcers or something lidat. He say that its due to my irregularity of meals and me not looking after myself. He says that if his medicine doesnt help, it means in 2 weeks time, i will need to go for scope. Which means i need to stuff some small camera shit down my throat to see if my stomach and all is fine. If its not fine, i will have to go through about 2 months of treatment. WHAAAAAT....~~ I noe. I never knew gastric could become so bad. I always thought that my vomitting was due to gastric and its normal. But recently it got pretty bad so i thought "Maybe gastric flu".. Now Dr Jeremy say that its getting bad and i MUST start eating regularly.
7-8am = Breakfast 12-1pm = Lunch 6-8pm = Dinner
This routine is going to take alot of discipline and effort and i may die from trying to hard to overcome the laziness.... =( How to eat regularly. I cant remember the last time i ate proper meals at proper times... =( But i dun wanna go see specialist. Dr Tan was kind enough to ask me "Im sure you dont want to go see specialist right?" Well, DUH~~~
So today i wpoke up at 730am just to eat a piece of plain bread. And my medicine.. =\ It was pure torture. I nearly choked myself half-awake. =(
But still whatever i eat gets puked out. Its like my stomach is overturned...
I still havent found a job. =( Im starting to doubt my awesome-ness. Feel like some loser at times. I've got nothing. I got so much support and love. But im feeling like i cant achieve shit in my life. I just keep thinking of all the bad things. Im half-way there to becoming suicidal. I dunno. But honestly speaking? I think somewhere hiding itself deep in my brain, i have thoughts of dying. I like the pain im in. Sometimes after i vomit i think to myself "why cant gastric kill me?"
SO yeah.. But anyway, Sentosa trip with Logen, Ais and Harris prolly coming up soon. Cant wait. Maybe cafe Del Mar or wavehouse. Im voting for wavehouse. =)
Im so broke you have no idea what i have to do to enjoy... =( Lol . Im that close to wanting to sell my body for quick cash. Lol.. .No lah.. Just kidding. My life is good. Just need to stay sober and stay grounded. I think ill be fine soon.. =)
My birthday is coming. You know what would be the "best" gift? Death. Death from gastric. Lol.. No lah... I wanna be hospitalised. Just for fun. =) Lol... Or maybe money. Lots and lots of money. I'll go travelling. And leave this fucked up place behind. Bring my family along. =) No other people i can count on except them. =) Worth it.
"I think i like you, But i know i love him So is it wrong? Am i foolish to think that i can still fight? Like how i used to fight? I think im running out of energy to do anything Its not fair for you. Neither it is for me, and him. I just wish there was a way, for us ALL to win...."
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Hello... =) You guys will never guess where i am now.. =) I'll tell you if you ask me... discreetly. =) Well, so today i sort of quit my job from this advertising company.
To end that, lets do an update of my life so far.
Yesterday was movies day with the zimster. Over at my place for movies and we watched Santau, Congkak, and Phobia2... Bryan watched with us. So its was cool scaring bryan and stuff. =) Had a good time.
I feel like playing MAHJONG today but i dont know if this plan will be fulfilled. =)
I think something is wrong with my body somewhere. Recently everytime after i eat i feel like vomitting and i sometimes end up puking up all that i've ate. If i dont puke. I'll prolly end up having a bad tummy ache and visiting the toilet a few times. Im guessing its gastric flu so i dont think i wanna go see a doctor cos they'll just prescribe me the same old meds. either that or a jab and im not all excited about that too. =)
Helped Vanessa out with her flea market a couple of times and it was great spending time with her and her mum. =)
Well, i really cant think of anything else to blog. =)
OH! See sha with HArris and gang the other day. And before that a couple of weeks i pissed Danny off. SCARY!! Lol.. Yah....
=) Maybe will upload photos next.
Guys.. Im really trying to be happy here... Help me out k? =)
And i thank those who have been around for me recently through my bad times. THANKS. LOVE YA'ALL>>>!! =)
I love my family =).
I'm stubborn and I bite;
That's just me.
I shout when im mad,
I cry when im sad.
I also laugh for no reason when im hyper.
I like who i am. Sometimes, i just don't.
ALL THAT I HAVE ♥
M.A.N.D.Y L.O.W is crazy there's nothing wrong with my name!!.
I don't know why i'm putting effort in beautifying this I share a love/hate relationship with almost everyone.
I'm the only witness of all the bad things I do in life.
This is my blog so DON'T CLICK HERE if you love me.
If not then CLICK lor!!!
THARKS AH !!
EVERYTHING ! ♥
More fun games on the DS lite. Car license along with an awesome car. Slim down. (will settle for PS to make me slim.. haha.) Wisdom, Knowledge & Talent.
Fame, Beauty & Fortune.
Patience to understand why things happen.
To have no consequences what-so-ever when i wanna do bad things.
To be truly happy with my life
MY AUDIENCES ♥
They applauded me and gave me a standing ovation. TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME OK? =)