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Friday, December 21, 2007

Sigh. Shit happens.. ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

I got dead fucking drunk again last night. It got way over board and things went outta hand. My family got involved again. I feel like shit and i spent the whole day sleeping and crying today. It's not a very good feeling haha. who gives a shit. its all over anyways.

It was all at peter's house with Mei that all this shit happened. But i think i had a good time. Up til i really couldnt rmb what happened. Mei got drunk first. I was alright until i tried to calm mei down. The alcohol kicked in like the wind and the next thing i know i had to puke. It was, well, disgusting if you weren't drunk. I pity Peter. Drank his Vodka, still puke at his house. And he didnt even get so "sloshed"(i dunno how to spell).... Im so sorry peter. But well, there were some awesome moments there. We talked about many things. We played cards. And i lost most of the time... Thats why i got drunkPlus everybody had to gulp down three neat shots. And peter poured about half a glass for EACH shot. Smart boy, made me feel like my lungs burn of cigarette ashes. Haha.. HUH?

My mind is still doing slow registration of information. And suddenly, today so many people start msging me again. And the one person that is suppose to call didnt. Smart nesh. Smart. I hope you enjoy your off day, WITHOUT ME! CCB. sure, make me find that tent out and all. Promised me 5pm. Promised me a whole night of chit chatting and nothing else. Just like how i broke my promises to so many people, he broke his promises towards me. So, who am i to say anything.

Its all okay i guess. Just another phase i have to go thru. Same ol thing all over again. Who am i to blame. Its my fault. Im sorry i made you cry mum. Im sorry i broke your heart daddy. Im sorry kor for disturbing you while you were in Brunei. Im sorry clar have to wake up to help carry me up. Im sorry peter for ruining your house and getting drunk before you. Im sorry mei for letting you come along and get so drunk you went late for work. Im sorry to everybody i disappointed and im sorry to myself. Today felt like secondary 3 again. Again, i wanted so much to bleed. But then again, i rmb how many more upset faces ill see if i followed my heart. Stupid mandy. Its so stupid. YOU ARE STUPID! And i hate who i am now. Truly. But again, nobody wants to see an idiot whine over nothing at all.

I feel fucking emo sia. But i think i cried most of them out when i was drunk already. I can barely rmb ANYTHING that happened last night. But i rmb everything that happened after i puked most of it out. I rmb peter asking me to be strong and help him. And then i rmb calling Wilson. And the rest... Just followed on. The worse part was when mum sat beside me on my bed. And as i shout at her, whining about how unfair the world is to me. She just sat there and say "so do you noe how you hurt me when you say such things?"... and her voice broke. And i wanted so much to silence myself. But i dunno why i kept babbling on.... Im sorry mum....

I rmb dad walking in on me babbling about this world. And he said something. That made me realise how pissed he is about seeing me drunk. And everybody became nice to me today. But daddy didnt talk to me. As usual. I wish, i was the perfect little princess again. Sigh... No matter what mum said about nobody being perfect. I noe, she's saying that because she's my mum and she HAVE to. I noe, i grew up giving everyone hope that ill be that perfect lil girl. But then as teenage life hits me, i changed. Again, im sorry for that. I didnt know it would bring me so low....

Sigh. So many things i wanna blog about but i cant rmb. I should have listened to Allen. I really should have. I should have gone home. This is seriously fucked. I gtg. bye...
Friday, December 14, 2007

Please, Dad

by Michael Anderson
As soft winds sweep away the days
I look back on life through a haze.
Remember playgrounds, parks and friends,
In childlike gaze that never ends.
The laughter in a game of catch,
Shall memory ever attach...
To innocence in youthful eyes,
Catching the ball to Dad's surprise.
I recall my first bike, first wreck,
Who picked me up, said, "What the heck?"
Convinced me to give one more try,
While, knees skinned, I forgot to cry.
Just the joy knowing he was there,
Making him proud my only care.
There was nothing I couldn't do,
My heart held fast that to be true.
Though teenage years were kind of rough,
I sure wasn't too big or tough.
You taught me to defend what's right
And never back down from a fight.
So I learned the hard way to stand,
Still, with each lump, I found your hand.
Drawing from you an inner strength,
And stubborn pride of equal length.
But there the line of fate was drawn,
As though I blinked and you were gone.
I found myself facing the sun,
Not man, not boy, fatherless, one.
Eyes blinded by a void inside,
I could not live that you had died.
Alas finding it to be true,
I could do nothing without you.
Please, Dad, today just hear my call,
I'm sorry that I dropped the ball.
My life is wrecked, my knees are skinned,
My emotions undisciplined.
I can't get up although I try,
Please don't be upset if I cry.
Though I can't fight what I can't see,
Please, Dad, say you're still proud of me.
This is a poem i found online. So fucking meaningful. I cried when i read it. It touches somewhere deep inside lah. Really. sigh...

Life Lessons
You may have thought I didn't see,
Or that I hadn't heard,
Life lessons that you taught to me,
But I got every word.
Perhaps you thought I missed it all,
And that we'd grow apart,
But Dad, I picked up everything,
It's written on my heart.
Without you, Dad, I wouldn't be
The woman I am today;
You built a strong foundation
No one can take away.
I've grown up with your values,
And I'm very glad I did;
So here's to you, dear father,
From your forever grateful kid.
By Joanna Fuchs
Another good poem....
And here's a quote " the most important thing a father can do for his kids is to love their mother.. " Sigh.... So true... so so true... I love my Dad, and i love my Mum....
Everything, Mom

How did you find the energy, Mom
To do all the things you did,
To be teacher, nurse and counselor
To me, when I was a kid.
How did you do it all, Mom,
Be a chauffeur, cook and friend,
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mom
That made you come whenever I'd call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mom
And I thank you for it all.
By Joanna Fuchs
For my mum..... =) Im looking for good poems... to dedicate to my parents. hoping things would be better..
Ok.Im done. Im all alone today. My group members ran off to play street soccer. And i have to present all alone today. 9 fucking slides. WAH!!! I just finish my presentation. It went well. Everybody was shocked that i was okay with doing it on my own. Well, at least THAT was challenging. I was at least a LITTLE nervous finally while presenting. Sigh... Maybe RP should have classes of 5 people each then have individual presentations. wahahahahaha.....
Sigh. I still havent blog about the night i slept over at Fateha's place with Adek and her. Yeah. It was cool. shiok sia sleep damn long. More than 9 hours i think. Sleep until gerek. Go eat, go walk walk at the park, go back... Shiok.... Its been awhile i have been sober for so long and slept so long. Haiyoh. I sound so fucking pathetic ah. Mr pig says im not allowed to drink today. He forbids me to drink. "You can drink but there's not suppose tobe any smell of alcohol on you at any point of time."... which is impossible and he knows it. Damn. Im suppose to cut down both on alcohol and ciggies. Sigh... Ciggies, is simpler, than alcohol... Hahaha.. I SAID i'll TRY!!! Wish me luck.... Im trying to quit... both. be healthy and good again.. AHhahaha.. And today's lesson is about morals.. Lol.. fuck....
Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I'll just do the tag since i've been tagged and IM BORED..!!

Answer the following questions:

The person who tagged you is ? Farah Sabrina

Your relationship with him/her is ? My classmate in my 1st sem in RP - W45D

Your impression of him/her ? mysterious,best powerpoint do-er,and ... some sort like me.

The most memorable thing he/she has done for you ?Spend one whole evening and night with me.. and slept on the same bed with me... woots!! =)

If he/she becomes your lover, you will ? tell mr fiz and all the others that she's mine and treat her well . ahahah...

If he/she becomes your lover, things he/she have to improve ? Stop being so mysterious and "don't push me away".. Ahaha..

If he/she becomes your enemy, you will ? have living hell... she'll prolly curse me..

If he/she becomes your enemy the reason is ? Prolly over nothing...

Your overall impression of him/her ? Good drinking/lepak/death bus partner...

How do you think ppl ard you will think abt that person? Apparently unappraochable? I dunno..

The character you love yourself are? humorous.

On the contrary, the character you hate yourself ? very chaotic emotions

The most ideal person you want to be is ? perfect for everyonei love.

For ppl that care & likes you, say something to them? Im very grateful and i love you guys for sticking with me. Thanks...

Pass this quiz to 10ppl that you wish to knw how they feel.

whoever me!me!me!me! is.... ??
Tuesday, December 11, 2007

"You always change boyfriends like you change your clothes...." I heard that from my brother once. Yes, i agree. In my 17 years of life, i do have many boyf, unlike Wilson, who found his true love when he was 14-15. I'm not so lucky. Yes, he would say it's my fault because i don't choose correctly. But just like a stage show, there's many backstage drama going on, that he will never know.

My point of saying this is because i am so fucking sick and tired of having people judge me because i have so many boyf(s). Come on, im just like you guys. Wanting to find the one that loves me just like i love him. Blame luck, blame this, blame that. How many things have i blamed for all my downfalls? Im just looking for the god damn same thing every girl is looking for, the one guy that knows you best and is just as much your best friend as he is your boyfriend. But i never got the chance. Once i THOUGHT i found him. But then i was wrong and everyone knew. So my mistake, i was stupid. I try again. And they judge me by the past mistake i use to make. Okay, they were right. I was wrong AGAIN. Im ALWAYS wrong when it comes to guys in my life. When will i ever be right?

I want to know. I want to know when my turn will come. Everyday at home i see them together. Happy for 5 years and going strong now. Everytime im out with them all, i wish i had the chance to feel the same thing they feel. I tried so hard to achieve something near to that. But i never knew they all hated the fact that i brought him home. Oh, the politics, you'll never know. Is it wrong to fall for men that is not of the same colour and religion as you? I never thought so but now, slowly, im starting to force myself to just forget about my likings and just go with other's likings. That white should be with white and black with black. So many times i've tried to mix this two colours together, everytime it turns out wrong. They tell me, "dun try and be so different when you're not..." Oh you wouldn't know would you? You wouldn't know. IF i can control my feelings, i would have, and i WILL! But i cant and none of you understands that. Control? If life is so much about control, tell me you're perfect and mean it,believe it! You won't because you know its a lie. YOU FUCKING KNOW IT'S A LIE! And im not perfect, at all.... Even how hard i try.....

How come everytime i try to do something that follows my heart it turns out wrong. How come everytime i try to achieve something i see others have i don't get it. I just want.... someone..... who would waste time with me..... when i have time to waste..... But no, i don't get it.... I don't.... WHY? I miss wasting time. Not wasting time sleeping but wasting time just doing anything i feel like doing. Just.... Waste... My... Time... Away.... WOuld any of you be willing to spend the rest of your life with me just wasting each other's time? If you say yes, i know, its a lie..... Because guys will say anything to get into your pants. And girls would do anything just so they can bitch at you behind your back.

"This world, is a very very cruel world to be in. Mei, you need to learn to be independent and only depend on yourself. Don't EVER trust anybody." My dad said that once to me. And i never knew how much that meant until i went into secondary school and start to realise how people and treat you so well, and then stab you in teh back. Tehy can watch you die and do absolutely nothing at all. And some of them feel obligated to just be there. But there is no obligation. The only obligation is what you need. How many times did you just spend time with somebody just because you want somebody to spend time with you? How many times you were there for somebody because you wish that somebody would be there for you when you need them...? How many times you were somewhere because you had nowhere else to go? And then so many times people call you friend because you did that. Everyone is a hypocrite. EVERYONE.... Including me..... I admit..... Would you have the guts to admit you're a hypocrite? YOu live life like its an everyday thing. You can say yyou try your best not to sin. But everyday we're just hypocrites. To ourselves, to our family, or to our friends. If you would look deeper into your life you will understand what i mean.

Sigh. Why am i so emo today? Why? I dunno.... I miss mr.pig... Work work work, then sleep sleep sleep. the last time i saw him was days ago. And i hardly even have time to talk to him. I miss him. And i know i shouldn't.... Again, i just want to spend/waste time with someone that would just do the same for me..... sigh... i wun ever get that, will i??

Peter still isn't talking to me and i hate it. He walked pass the other night and didnt even bother to stop and say hi. Haha.. Isn't this just the typical situation where we say "friends come and go." Fuck, and i thought they always say "friendship lasts forever".... What a confusing world. Drinking havent been so much fun without them like the past... I guess i just gotta let it go. Fuck misunderstandings and men's ego... i wish we could throw that all away.

Wilson's bday is coming. Oh great.... Where are we going for dinner this time? Are we going to pass messages from mummy to daddy again? "Tell mummy come down at 530." / "ask papa what time he fectching us." / "where you want to go...?" So how many messages will we pass in one dinner? Or maybe we should just sit and eat. Oh wonderful life..... Tell me how nice it is when you dunno whats going on but suddenly mummy and daddy doesn't talk to each other... Let's all have a message board. Let's all talk thru magnets and paper on the fridge. Why don't we write things on our fore head and walk in front of each other so we can INDIRECTLY tell each other something. POLITICS..... Politics EVERYWHERE... In class, in school, at work, at home.... Tell me.... What can i do? What should i do? I am not.... strong.....!! Especially when it comes to being at home.... sigh..... Should i even type h-e-l-p.... nopes... not again....

how come i feel like crying today? Today's science lesson is pretty okay. A new faci cos the other faci went on holiday. She's pretty ok. But she's a tad bit arrogant. But its ok. I did something for science for once. Nobody's complaining. It's about a bee named BOBO. Maybe he has a girlf named chacha.... TOGETHER!! We're.... BOBO CHACHA!!!! fuck. That's super lame. I just wanted a cheap laugh. Forgive me, audience.... haha.. fuck like i have any audience except anonymous and some other poeple.. WHOM!! by the way, im very grateful that they care enough to read... THANKS friends... thanks, from the bottom of my heart....

I just wanted things to be better. To give it another chance. BUT NO! FUCK YOUR WISH MANDY. You aint gonna get nuts for being a naughty girl. Hahah... SHURE! Go ahead, screw my life... Fuck **D..... I hate him.... yah. you're gonna say im going to hell for that? Im a sin made by sins? HAha... Guess what, i dun give a fuck.... I dun... IF he makes things happen for a reason, tell him the one reason why i hate him because he makes things happen. Haha. bite me...

SEE!!! Now im blaming something. cock. Typical mandy's emotions. Emo, lame, then angerism... CCB. I better go now before it gets outta hand... Sorry for the very bad, emotic post. cyou again soon.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007

How did things end up this way sia? Fuck things so screwed right now even a professional screwer cant screw it any further. All just misunderstandings ... All just FUCKING misunderstandings. I really need to heed adek advice. CONTROL MY DAMN LIFE!!! Because.... Things took a sudden turn towards HELL!!! And i hate it. Yah sure, its my fault. It all ALWAYS seem to be my fault. Yah i know he thinks everything's on his shoulder bcos he made ALL this happen.

I know so many things i shouldn't have said last night because i was the one that wasn't drunk or high. And i knew damn well he's high/drunk. I should have shuddup and gave in. There's no point of standing up for your point when there's no point in telling. Hais.... I wish i could turn back time. Til the time he said he likes me too but things just cannot happen the way it is. That was the last moment of happiness i felt since last night. after that everything else just got more and more fucked up. And if anybody else shouted at me, it prolly, SOMEHOW wouldn't have hurt so much. JIWANG AH MANDY. Piku.....

I fucked James up bigg time. The nicest guy to me, i fucked him up because everything was so happenin'..... And because i just don't feel anything anymore. I gave him such a hard time and i know i hurt him a whole lot. I know its not his fault in anyway and i know that its again, MY FAULT! Hahaha.. What can i do? I don't regret it.... I just wish there was a nicer way i could have done it with. And last night when everything seemed so chaotic. I wanted to call him. But i know it wouldn't be fair because I KNOW he would, by hook or crook, come down and "save" me.. And things could have taken a violent turn from there. So i decided to call Wahidah.


Yeah. Have been back to drinking almost everyday recently and so many things come to light when drunk bastards get together. I wish we could have fun like the first time we all met. How we talked, played cards, drank, so many good times... spar, wrestle.... Then why did feelings and emotions gotta get involved. I just wanted everybody and everything to be fun and happy too. The same thing he wants, but he just, took it all onto himself. What can i do? If i wanted to quarrel and just walk out of this friendship, i wouldn't have came back. I wouldn't have apologised. Not because i think im wrong but because its not worth it to fight over misunderstandings. I dunno if he sees it as a misunderstanding but i do. I said some things that registered wrongly. And he got the wrong idea of me.

What was i to say when everything i said was "YOU'RE SO IMMATURE" / "YOU 17-YEAR-OLD! DON'T COME TALK TO ME UNTIL YOU GROW UP LAH!" / "YOU INGRATEFUL! YOU'RE NOTHING!! YOU'RE ZILCH! YOU DON'T TALK TO ME UNTIL YOU CAN COMPREHEND EVEN THE SLIGHTEST THING I SAY!!" / "IF YOU GOT ANYTHING GOOD ENOUGH TO SAY COME HERE AND SAY IT TO MY FACE!!" / "YOU'RE NOTHING...." ........Whatever i did, whether i agreed or disagree, i was wrong. I was imature, spoilt childish, useless good for nothing. There was nothing else i could do. He asked me not to talk, then he said i don't talk because i don't have anything good to say back. But the point was, i didn't wanna argue any further. I knew he was drunk/high... I knew he prolly didnt mean half the things he said... But sometimes, just sometimes, men have ego.... And i dun want that ego to come between that friendship. I LOVE hanging out with him. LOVE hanging out with them, whether with alcohol involved or not. They're nice company. All three of them. Ivar, Nesh and Peter.... Oh why did this happen??? Seriously. JIWANG!!!!!! PIKU..... puki

Let it all go behind us can? Forget it can? Let's be friends again ok? Don't don't friend me ok? Sorry lah... Sorryyyyy!!! IM SORRY!!! IF none of you mattered to me i wouldnt have cried that much yesterday. Yes, its weird to see your "brother" cry but i couldn't help it. All the shouting, questioning me, blaming people for blaming people, carrying of burdens and all the bearing of responsibilities... It was too much pressure for me, plus i was barely drunk enough to shrug it off. So it got to me, im sorry im useless and i cried. Sorry im not like you guys.... Maybe i just cannot be a "brother" and will never be... I prolly shouldn't try to be like you guys. Maybe ACTING like a girl is the more tactical way for me to go about life. Sigh. And i thought a puss and two boobies didnt make a difference. HOW CAN IT NOT?!?!?! I was so stupid.... so.... fucking... stupid.... To think that..... STUPID! piku..... (0) <-- does this look like a piku(backside)?? lol...

Happiness that lasts long gives you longer pain when its gone. The more the happiness, the more the pain. So its all fair and square. Nobody gets two slices of cake. "To each its own..." He said that the other day. And that made so much sense. Everybody got their own set of shit they're in.... I should have just listen to him grumble about his side of the story. There was nothing to fight about. STUPID MANDY!!! YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID!!! Arsehole.... =( I wish i could apologise and he would forgive me then everything would be fine. What about batam? What about having fun as members? We weren't even half way there thru the friendship. It was jsut the fucking beginning. I wish ..... I wish..... I wished.. upon a star last night..... That everybody would be happy again.... together... happy... TOGETHER... Everybody..... !!!! =(

Haiyah. Such a long post. I came to school today, late. At 11am. Second meeting. And only because, i promised him i will come to school. And i say i won't break it means i won't. Sigh. Im so hungry. But i got no money at all. No fucking money at all. Feel like shit, like i wanna die.... Not because im depressed lah cock....!! BECAUSE!!! Im hungry!!! My tummy is calling out to noodles, and rice.... But then, noodles and rice sombong, jual mahal.. pikumak.... =( AKU LAPAR!!!! NAK MAMAM!!!! HELP???

K lah. This post is so long. I just needed to vent something out somewhere. SO many things. I forgot everything. I forgot alot of things. I wish i forget some things. Cockerdoodledoos..... Balls of fire.... ARGHHHH!!! PLease...... forgive the emotional post... =)


P.S ( i miss nesh's dog..... ) AND I STILL WANNA DIE......