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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

urgh.... bad day... Stupid running nose totally ruined it for me.. If i manage to count the number of times i wanted to smash my damn nose against the wall, it would prolly add up to a million.... I freaking HATE running nose... I used like 5 to 6 freaking packets of tissue for one half of a day.. Damn my nose PLEASE!!!

Ok.. So enough of the sickness crisis shit... I wanna blog about me and my freaking problem of ALWAYS somehow ending up with a situation on my hand... Like today, i end up with THREE places i SHOULD go... Like Adek waited up for me for one and a half hour for nothing! I told Cindy i would send her home but then i couldn't.. Bcos i had to follow Ais to buy some stuff for Bala!!! Dammit.. Im stuck with three freaking roads.... Wat do i do? Split myself in half? No.... My two super cool friends made the feeling of guilt so STRONG when they just went "It's ok... You go follow her ah.. Nvm..." AHHHHH!!! I hate it when such things happen.. It just goes to show wat kinda friend i am.. A bad bad bad one at it!! Yes! I suck at EVERYTHING i do.... Abso-fucking-lutely suck!!! Thanks for being me.....

Judging at the state of me now you would be thinking that I wouldn't wanna carry on blogging right?? WRONG!! I wanna blog... I dunno why.. I just wanna blog and blog...

Today he didn't come to school again... Isn't much of a big deal... Except recess was abit of a bore... Except the part where we called Moufie up and hopefully made her feel better.... And then the whole damn day i was just pure sneezing away... And i had to stay back in school for intensive study programme til like 5.30.. Totally didn't help in improving my mood.. In fact it got way worse at the end.. Where i was caught in that crisis situation.. I should have seen it coming... stupid stupid me... I should've known it would happen... I always tend to chew off more than i can bite... I think too highly of myself sometimes.... Urgh. Im sucha friggin' loser!!

I try to be happy today but the damn nose made it that much more difficult.... Plus syg wasn't there to make it easier.. So today's like the uktimate bad day.. I should have stayed home and rot... I feel so lonely now.. In fact that's an understatement... I feel.... ..... I feel like a load of crap.... It's all piling up... And im doing absolutely nth about it.. so who to blame!!?!?? ME!! ME ME ME!!! It all goes down to one thing : ME!!!!

That is exactly why i hate me... I hate me.. I really do... I might not seem like i do cos MAYBE i seem so confident outside and i smile and i shout and i fight... But dammit!!! Look within those surfaces..... Im dying bitch.. Nobody knows.. and even if they know, its as if they understand... It's as if they even care... It's as if they know what to do with me!!!! NO!!!! Bcos im a freakin' freak ass mofo!!! I dun even know what the shit im spouting out now... I just wanna fucking cry....

And if you're about to say that i should just put aside all stuff and talk about it face to face with my family or friends??? Yah.. Where do i start!?! Should i just go "Oh! BTW, im freaking depressed! over nothing at all!!" Or what?!?! Say "Oh.. I feel like shit... and i wanna cry.. will you shoot me now?"

It's not like i didn't try talking... i try... but there's this something there okay?!??!?! Even with Adek now... Im sorry okay!?!??! Even with my brother!!! I feel that shitty wall!!! I dunno why or how or when it came up but im fucking hidden ya!??!?! I dunno how to start pouring out my feelings!!! Im a loser.. Forgive me... Im sorry... Im slippin back to where i began.. Forgive me.. Cos i've been a bad everything... Forgive me, cos... ... just forgive me for watever you feel i did wrong lah.. Im sure there's a whole list of that in the back of your mind... Im sorry lah.... Ok? Sorry....
Monday, February 27, 2006

So today's rather screwed.. Being sick and all isn't nice ah... But skipping school and all is kinda cool.... Somehow i dun wanna go anywhere now.. Maybe cos i just came back from a trip wasted... Sigh... Im not mad... Im just disappointed lah... That you know? That i didn't get what i wanted... And i was really looking forward to it.... Sigh.. Today's just screwed lah.. First the damn doctor took so long... Then i haven't even eat.. So i cant take my medicine.. Then i went all the way there... ..... .... Urgh...

So i guess my whole damn day is ruined lah... Not by anyone else.. But by me alone.. Thx to my follish-nes and stupidity, i have totally ruined my whole damn day.... Urgh.... I so hate myself now.. I hate it when i feel like im not good enough.. or like whatever i do just isn't good enough to be right... Like whenever i try i just fail!!! I hate that feeling of falling and not being able to get up on my own!!! I hate myself when im being weak... Basically i just detest myself for being the me i am now.... AHhhhhh.... I wanna effing cry!! And punch someone or somethiing!!! Just vent my blardy anger on something!!!!

My friend's msn nick is about not judging a sea by its surface. cos it may look calm outside but underneath its a storm... And god damn it is HE right... Im that fucking sea right now... Im all messed up... And i dunno what to do... Except stay at one place looking like a fucking retard trying to look for answers but STILL I FAIL!!!! CAN'T i get ANYTHING right!??!??! Can't i win at anything!?!??!?!?! Life's being sucha bitch again... Fuck.... Sorry for the using for that word ah.. Can't take it lah... I need someone ah... I hate to admit that lah.. But really, i need someone.. sooo bad....

Wells.. Just decided to blog abit about my situation with my studies... Maybe an evaluation might help push me more.. Lol.. Lets see... Lets start with the inevitable truth about A-maths.. I SUCK AT IT!!! Seriously people, how is 2 hours even possible?!?!?! Huh? I need like 20 minutes for one single mumu binomial theorem question... How am i suppose to finish like so many questions?!?!?! In 2 blardy hours?!?! Im gonna flunk a maths like i flunk my chinese man....

Ok.. Chinese... That's like WORSE than a math... I can't even STUDY for chinese.. Like wat the hell... Chinese is effed up man.. Why am i even taking tat darn subject?!?!? Chinese is like the ultimatum for me to flunk my O's... Seriously, i should take my big chinese ass and dump it in the dumping ground at those third world country and ROT!!! Im a blardy chinese and i cant even pass... It's like i read one freaking paragraph of the damn passage and i fall dead asleep on my table... I mean, can you blame me? Those friggin' words complicate my mind!! Like wth is chinese words man? Even tamil words seem easier... Blardy effed-tard...

Then nest comes e maths... I think i should be able to B this.. and if miracle happens maybe ace it... But B-ing it ill be happy enough... It's not that difficult.. Cos i like it.. It's easy and i like doing it cos its fairly easy... So once i do it it gets easier.. So yah.. It's in a cycle.. So e maths should be alright if i continue practicing and studying for it... Damn geometry though... Can't rmb a single shit about the formula for prism and all..

And english.... The one thing im counting on for at least a A2... Seriously, if i dun ace this effing subject i might as well shoot myself.. It's the one thing i FEEl im good at... I dunno.. I have never failed EL before... I mean provided i put in effort lah.. Those small little test i didn't pass is cos i didn't even give a shit... Yah.. But EL?!?!? If i fail, i repeat, SHOOT ME!!! Yupps, so not much of a problem for EL...

HUMANES!!! Oh my effing gawdess of mercy!!! I dunno why but i keep flunking my god damn SS... Its like, i keep thinking HELL YEAH!! SS is like effing easy!! But then the darn results come out and i realise im flunking it... It's like where the mumu did i go wrong?!?!?!? Darn it!! Geography... I dunno.. It doesn't interest me ONE TINY BIT!!! I kinda HATE geography... Seriously... I HATE IT!! I dunno why... It did absolutely nth to me but i just dun like geography... So i flunk it.. Is it any wonder?!?!?!?

Science... Oh perhaps i should just choke myself on pizza.... Seriously, The only thing i can actually study for is physics... But yet im that fucking lazy about it... I MUST STUDY FOR PHYSICS!!! I keep telling myself but do i?!?!?! NO!!! Bcos im a dumb fuck... Ok.. Why am i hating myself for this, you might ask?!?!? BCOS I SUCK AT CHEMISTRY!! And if i dun do well in physics, it like, im a sitting duck.. And a soon to be dead duck.... I need to buck up so bad for chemistry that i think i need my secondary 1 teacher to come and teach me the darn basics... So for science, if i get a damn c5 ill be god damn jumping for joy!!!

Latly, DNT... Ok... Thats another subject i should be able to ace if i do everything on time and not stray of topic.. It should be quite easy since we can get supervision of professionals like Mr Foo and they can help us improve on our projects as and when they feel the need that we should.. Sigh... I shouldn't even get a B for this.. It would be considered a sin... =)) And i dun do sins... Im a blardy free thinker for fuck's sake...

Ok.. Sorry for the darn vulgarities.... Talking bout my academic stuff just dun go well with my resolution of not wanting to say vulgarities... My academic results as you might have notice, SUCK!!! So forgive me, when i say "Go fuck the noble man who invented studies... FUCK YOU!! DAMN OU MR WHATEVER YOUR DAMN NAME IS!!!" Ok.. Sorry, its not his fault... It is mine.. Why can others do it and im here complaining and scolding someone who has no blame to take for me being stupid and irresponsible and lazy... huh!?!? I should get the pizza ready for chokin'.... BYYYYYYE!!!
Sunday, February 26, 2006

Oh my.... Im really really sick... And bored too... It's like... I dunno if im able to make it to school tmr.. But seeing that im able to use the comp and all, seems like im rather ok.. =) I dunno.. I feel like a pile of shit... Haha... Like as if i know how it feels to be shit... =))

Ok.. So yesterday's farewell bbq party for Bala went fairly well.. I got dunkd into the pool.. Expected... Im always the first.. But this time Ais was first!! Which was so cool... I almost tot i wouldn't get wet at all.. But then again the guys never fail to make me suffer.. =)) So i got really wet in my jeans... Yupps.. That's about all the fun i have... =) The rest its just purely talking and joking about stuff....

My syg wasn't there.. That gave everyone a reason to bombard me with questions that i refused to answer... They were all in my face.. Asking why he never come and all.. Holy mama of gawd mahn... It's like cant they just be happy that I am there!??! The inevitable truth is.... NO!! They have to have something to pin me down with... Or they will never be happy... Haha.. Im jokin lah.. Those guys are nice people.. They take care of girls well... I suppose...

You know? Throughout the whole god damn thing i think i tot of my syg more than anything else in the world... Really... Haha... I dun believe that he will know about this unless he reads my blog... Which i reckon he doesn't bcos i asked him to tag if he reads it... But THE DIL haven't been tagging, so i reckon he isn't into blogging stuff... Lol...

I miss his voice so much.. Even though i just put down the phone with him half hour ago... I can't believe i just woke up and within seconds im calling him... Believe it? I used to take my own sweet time to wake up... Like walk around the whole house to check things out.. Before i start doing anything rational... Lol... Im weird, yes i am!! =)) But this time listening to Syg's voice woke me up real good... So there was no need to explore my house... Cos with THE DIL, nth can go wrong.... Not even my house... No witch can intrude... And for sure Harry Potter won't happen to drop by just to say hi... =) So i decided to just use the comp straight w/o walking around the house like a dumb duck... =)

I miss my Vgs... I wanna talk to Adek so bad... I have no idea why.... I just have a feeling about something... And its kinda bothering me to feel that feeling... AHHH.. I dunno.. Im a sick person.. Bear with the un-understandable talks... =) Ok.. I better go.. Seems like my pasta thingy is done... =)
Saturday, February 25, 2006


tiada lagi kau kuingatkan
sayang kau hilang
biar sampai akhir hayat ku di dunia ini

kau tahu betapa ku sayang padamu
hanya bidadari sebagai ganti
hanya takdir menentukan ia
oh belaian jiwa

Okok.. I dun really know the song.. Maybe the first two lines of the chorus ya.. But im really trying.. Plus i know its a very sweet and touching song bcos Adek thinks it is and if Adek is touched by it mans DAMN it MUST be a damn good song.. =)) I like the "sayang padamu" part.. The tune's rather nice.... I like it... and i sang it to my syg... Ok.. I know its pathetic.. Just two lines.. But eh!!! At least i try wat!!! =)) I hope he thinks its sweet lah.. Need alot of courage for me to sing something i just learnt 10 minutes ago.. Lol..

Ok.. So yesterday was one helluva damn day man!!! It was like, sick, tired, sick, study, study, sick, tired, sick, games, happy, games, happy, happy, happy, happy, confused, angry, pissed, tired, sad, guilty, glad, happy, horny, happy, happy, happy, lonely, sick, sick, tired, happy, tired.... That's basically it... Yah... The horny part?!?!? It is one of the highs of the day... The angry part!??! It's the low of the day... Seriously, quite a heap of drama happenin' yesterday... With all the games and all plus the whole shitty pants lying shit... I was that screwed until i really didn't want to go home... I could have stayed at tht staircase all day long and sleep there... So long my syg was there... =))

Yupps, shan't say too much... Anyways, im going to Bala's bbq farewell party laters.. Damn man.. It's such a sad thing that bala have to go to New Jersey... Dammit ill miss that kentot so much.. sigh.. Times without him will be so boring.. No horny talk.. No observing how guys drool when they see hott babes.. No knowing what guys think when they get horny.. Haha.. No teasing that boy.. It's like breathing without air!!! Haha... Ok.. It's an exaggeration but still!!! I'll miss him sooo much!! Sigh.. Hope we all have the best times of our lives later.. Something for him to rmb us by... =)) And hope he takes super good care of that mafia in him.. Haha.. Later he come back become gangsta!! Woooohooo! Lol...

Aites.. I gotto go.. Like i have situation on my hands now!! GOOD BYE BABEHS!!
Thursday, February 23, 2006

MUAHAHAHAHA!! I went on a VGs date today!! with mr solihin... Lol.. Went Marina Square for bowling... Lol.. We vgs need serious training when it comes to bowling man.. The only results we tend to get is when its a tribute to our loves ones... Lol.. Was so fun laughing at ourselves... Its been so long since we had such fun.. Lol.. too bad we didn't get to take neo prints like wat anarchy wanted... But yeah, we'll do that some day... =)) I love you VGS... We've been together for almost a year and im loving it... I love you girls sooo much!! Like even the sun dun shine my love will remain... =)

So if i ever seem really depresses or pissed off.. It not that im hiding my problems... Or that i have something personal against you.. Unless you make me have a reason to shout at you.. Other than that, mostly, im just thinking deeply... I have many unresolved issues im trying to be in touch with so i can settle them... So if i seem really depressed, its not about guys or watsoever. Cos i happen to have a very understanding and loving boyfriend.... so i can never be upset about boys unless my Syg is upset... =))

Wells, there's not much bigg stuff happening in my life.... But still there are little stuffs that cause little hiccups.. So yeah... Life is full of little doops of poop.. So who gives a shit... I shall be happy.. And maybe things will find a way to work themselves out... Lol....

Aites.. Gtg.. Nites!!
Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Well, so these couple days been alright... Nth really huge hapened.. even if they did.. I wouldn't say.. Bcos i dun feel a need to now.. Sigh.. There's a couple of things on my mind.. Hard to deal with.. But i have to settle them soon or i might just take a hammer and hit myself on the head... Yah.. Might as well choke on overdued pizza...

Okok.. So there's never ending remedials in school.. EVERY FREAKIN DAY!!! And then monday tuesday got some self study shit.. Dammit man... Why didn't i study good in sec 3?? Huh?!?! Damn mandy damn!! Lol.. Im chatting with my brother on msn about studying and stuff... He wants me NOT to follow in his footsteps and is urging me to study hard and get better results so i can get into good courses... Yah.. I agree man... But damn!!! I just realise how lazy i am... Dammit.. EVERYONE TELLS ME!!! "Mandy, you're smart. smarter than me.. But you're just not willing to put your heart into studying... LAZINESS MANDY!!" Yah.. and im totally aware of it.. But shit man!! It's like built in me!! Seriously!! I can't get myself to study for like consecutive days and not get distracted by other stuff... Ok.. Maybe i should really try so much harder bcos i really would prefer to get into courses i like.. even though i hardly seem to bother about this kinda stuff.... =))

There's been qite a few drama moments with "THE DIL" as Ais calls him... Lol.. I like the name.. "The DIL"... Haha... Sounds rather... cute??? I dunno.. Excuse me lah k? But im trying to be more girly in a way... It just hit me SO HARD that i am NOT girly AT ALL!!! And im really trying to learn... Like you know? Use the word cute... And use more words like "you so mean" And stuff... Haha.. Ok.. Thats IRRITATING!! But aren't girls just plain irritating!??!

Ok.. So maybe im a little sexist... But seriously, how do i go about being girly when i think girly girls are just pollutions to the world?? Dammit.. I should change my mindset.. I mean, the whole vulgarities shit and all? It doesn't help me be girly in anyway.. So im trying to stop.. But i find it rather difficult especially when there are so many buggers around to tempt me... Plus i can never walk with my damn butt swaying like the tress in the wind... My butt's like not the swaying type... Plus i dun have that squeaky voice that allows me to do that high pitch scream... Like "Ahhh-AHHHH- AHHHHH! You so bad!! go away lah.. Dun be so mean to her!!" in that high tone voice.. Like i would totally sound weird... And people will stare!!

I have a reputation to live up to for christ sake!! It's like, if i go all wishy washy now, people will totally go like "Mandy, are you like crazy? Stop acting like you're some wuss puss.." But then again, i dun like it when people say "Mandy, you gangsta ah?" Or "Mandy ah lian seh..." Or "Mandy dun whack me ah!! I scared ah you gangsta!!" It's like, i've been a tom boy all my life thanks to my close relatives being all boys and all.. But i mean, cut me some slack ah? I get my attitude from where? Cos boys have been pushing me so hard that if i dun act, i will lose my digniy... I mean fight like fight back when challenged.. It is what i learnt from growing up with two boys... If you keep quiet, they'll take advantage of you...

And now when i can make that choice.. It's a little too late bcos i alr have that attitude stuck in my heart... Yes i am loud.. Yes i do have outcurst of emotions at times.. Yes i do get piss off quite often over small little things... I am outspoken.. I dun go around screaming at little flies that come near me... I say what i feel yes.. I MIGHT be a tad bit agressive at times and tend to shout when pissed off... But pls!! Try to understand... Im still a girl... I do get hurt man... Maybe i do act like a guy or think like one or i play rough.. But thats just me that you see... so i would appreciate it man... Like you know?? If you think im really over the top, like i am TOO "ungirlified".. Just say, "Mandy, slow it down...." Dun say things like "Mandy, act like a girl lah..." Or "Mandy, why you act like boy ah?" Cos seriously, at times it hurts lah...

Haha.. Ok.. I just typed so much about this. Just goes to show that i really am bothered by it... I just dun like ah.. i trying so hard to be less tom boyish and then you come tell me say i act like a boy... Not really very encouraging words lah.. I mean the vulgarities part i understand bcos even if other girls say it, they whisper it.. I shout it... So tat part i understand.. So bear with me.. Im trying dudes! Im trying...

Just wanna end this by saying i really really love my Syg alot.. THE DIL!!! I LOVE YOU!!! If it weren't for my Vgs and the DIL... I would be skippin school quite often faking sick and i would not even try this hard at being a better person... I would just go buy totino's pizza and choke on it.. =)) Aites.. Goodnites pple...

*I love you so i trust you*
*And you know my trust shouldn't be payed with*
*So try me if you dare*
*I'll go all girly on you and say.. *
"Haiyoh! you so mean lah!! TaO YaNxX!"

Urgh.. spare me this kinda shit.... =) Isn't it easier to say "Eff off b****.. You're pissing me off" See!! Boys are smarter in that way... =))
Sunday, February 19, 2006

THIS I SWEAR - Nick Lachey

You're there by my side
In every way
I know that you would not forsake me
I give you my life
Would not think twice
Your love is all I need believe me

I may not say it quite as much as I should
When I say I love you darling that means for good
So open up your heart and let me in

And I will love you 'til forever
Until death do us part we'll be together
So take my hand and hold on tight
And we'll get there
This I swear

I'm wondering how I ever got by
Without you in my life to guide me
Where ever I go the one thing that's true
Is everything I do I do for you

I may not say it half as much as I should
When I say I love you darling that means for good
So open up your heart and let me in
And I will love you 'til forever
Until death do us part we'll be together
So take my hand and hold on tight
And we'll get there
This I swear

So whenever you get weary
Just reach out for me
I'll never let you down my love

And I will love you 'til forever
Until death do us part we'll be together
So take my hand and hold on tight
And we'll get there

And I will love you 'til forever
Until death do us part we'll be together
So take my hand and hold on tight
And we'll get there
Ohh we'll get there
This I swear


Okok... Just now i was talking to him over the phone and i was a tad bit high.. so if you didn't get wat i was saying.. It's basically this "I love my syg like a hell lot!!!" Yupps... and that above song... Is for him.. Dedicated to my syg... Haha.. I love that cute boy to bits!!! Seriously.. He makes me fall in love with him every single day!!! Lol... The little things he say or do.. Just uber cute!! =))

Yupps... So yeah.. Back to business... I've tons of homework to do but i can't seem to get my ass down there to do some blardy work.. Crap man.. Im a screwed mofo... I should start mugging like crazy man.. I got alot to catch up on.. Esp science and humanes.. Damn!!! If i dun mug now ill die when O's are here... Seriousness level high!!! Shit!! but i still can't focus no shit!!! I need to CONCENTRATE!!! Must!!! Get!! Mandy's!! ASS!!! TO!!! STUDY!!!!

Hmmm, i wanna shoutout to my VGs... Babes!!! I love you girls tons!!! Really tons!!! Like ten millions gazillion trucks of love!!! =)) I hope we spent alot more time together and we last for so many more years to come!!! I love ya'all!!

And shoutout to Aisvarya.. WEEEE~ I love you too!! You never fail to make my day!!! Even your screams are starting to make me smile.. Lol.. Dun get jealous so easily lah.. And dun care bout others... You know you've got him at the tip of your fingers.. Lol... Smile.. You look so pretty when you smile... =))

And to my family...?? Just one word lah... Sorry... Really.. I dunno wat else to say.. Most of the things, its bcos of me... Everything i feel now about us.. Is ALSO bcos of ME!! So wat more can i say?? Other than im sorry.. I am.. Really.. sorry.... I guess things will happen no matter i face them anot... So we'll see... i hope i get over these fears... And open up more.. Im sorry if i hurt any of you..

Then last but not least my syg.... Well, i guess im saying this way to often.. But ilu.. Really.. I do... who ever said anything bad about older girls with younger guys man.... I tell you... Im gonna prove those god damn mofos wrong... WE are gonna prove them wrong.. RIGHT? I love you soooo very much... You the most fantabulous boyfriend a girl can ever have... I love you syg... I'll be your ayang for more years to come.... Soooooooo........ GET USED TO IT!!! Lol... ILU... =)

Yepps. So tats all for my dedications... Be back soon... Good night to all... Stay happy... Cos im trying to be happy!! 24/7!! No more emo emo me!! TRYING!!! MY BEST!!! Be good... Encourage me.. when you see me sad? Tell me... "Mandy... happiness gets you places..." =)) Love love...

WOOOOOOO!! Im high!!! on oxygen!!!! Weeeee!!!!

Im talking to my syg~~~~ He's such a sweetie pie... And i love him to bits!!! This is a statement that i am willing to vouch for with my life.. Weeeee~ And i bet he's totally melting eh??? eh...??? Oooooh.... I really love that gendeng sooo much... Hope he knows it... =))

Why am i high???? I dunno.. Maybe its bcos im talking to my loverly baby on the phone... And listening to such a wonderful love song.... And it makes me miss him more.... AHHHH! So hoping that i can hug that baby boy of mine to sleep tonight.. WOOOO!!

MANDY!!! Why are you being so mushy.... ??? Stop it.. There's nth more of Syg more that you can melt.. Aite! goodnights babies!! Im gonna concentrate on talking to my baby.. Goodie nightie!! Weeee~
Friday, February 17, 2006

Ok.. So im back to blogging... Im bored lah.. Main reason.. Haha... So lotsa things happened.. Some i dun wish to talk about... some i smile when i remember... so i shan't elab on it too much...

So its like the whole god damn school knows about me and syg... Haha... Goes to show what kinda person i am.. i can never keep this kinda stuff inside ah.. It's just not me... When im in a relationship. I want it to be open ah.. I dun care what others think or say... Ok.. Except maybe my parents. But like wat sia.... I think some people dun like ah. Shan't say who lah.. Dunno. It's okay.. I'll just go with the flow. =)

Today i was overall counted as happy lah. Except a few times where he was rather moody which affected my mood. But then i told myself that if im happy maybe the others will be too. Spread the love.. Haha... =)) Everyone so merajuk today...

Then interclass games was fun.. really fun... my class won one lost two. But it was so fun to be there. Felt great when we won lah. But lose also feel good.. WHY ah? Haha... My class got good players lah. Anna, Xuli, Jo the best man. how they do it? I dunno. Lol.. I was slackish lah. I didn't really feel like playing at first... Didn't have that competetive mode... Then i saw a few occassions where some people were unhappy in the game cos they were losing. I couldn't help but laugh at it bcos i have NO idea why they were so pissed about losing such a friendly game... Haha...

Syg came to support for a few times. Then Harris marah seh... Very long never see him lidat... Was kinda freaked out... Didn't want him to whack pple ah.. Especially someone i love ah... Haha.. Then Zul lah.. always lah he... Always make pple angry... Haha.. But today Yeni succeeded in making him angry sia. She damn super!! Number ONE ah!! She splash water like gangsta seh!!! Then he confuse dunno what he do.. Gendeng lah that fella... Lol.. But quite poor thing ah.. Kena jack by Yeni... Hurts man... It SHOULD hurt... Lol...

So now, life's being alright... Can consider in good terms with that son of a B**** called LIFE... Sigh... How come i always get into trouble when it comes to my family stuff? Im not good with words.. Not good with feelings... Not good with ANYTHING when it comes to them... How come i cannot be like this perfect daughter? Or sister?? How come how come? Sigh....

=)) Its ok.. I shall smile lah.. Easier.. And i smile, cos i dun wanna cause any frown on any face. I dun want to be fragile. I dun want to little but things only merajuk.. I dun wanna be sedih over the littlest thing.. I dun wanna swear anymore. I dun want to sing... But many of those i still do... Haha. Wait.. i still do ALL of them!!! Dammit... Resolutions... Haha....

So mandy's love struck.. And mandy Pantang Di Chabar... Ok.. dunno how to spell.. But i guess its something like that... Try me!!! Dare ah!! See if i do... Lol...

I think im really becoming malay man... Im around malays ALL DAY!!! Serious... Its no wonder that people think im malay... Damn!!! Sia... doesn't mean i dun have pride in my race okay?!?!? Im still happy i chinese... Just that you know? I prefer hanging with malays.... I feel more at ease ah.. i dun feel comfy speaking chinese... Im a english speaking person.. Haha..

Siala.. I cannot listen emo song lah.. I sure get emo... Song is the next best thing to my syg that can affect my mood.. Wait.. My VGs also... And my family... Or not.... I dunno... Haha.. I dunno alot of things now lah... I just smiling for the sake of smiling. Cos i dun mind smiling if it brings another smile into earth... Its worth it.. Not that im some sad freako who cries all day lah.. But i just smile for smiling purposes.. haha.. Dun make sense...

So now im the father of 7 kids. Granddaddy to a couple of kiddos... god sister to three little girls.. Im freaking confused.. to tell the truth.. I cannot recognise most of them.. Im trying though... Like they all call my name then i look look see see lah... See if i can recognise anyone.. Only one sec 1 DAMN distinct in my eyes.. =)) Yupps... I love that pantat...

So many things i have to think about and try to settle... I damn frustrated ah... But i trying to take it slow... Then nobody like know ah... I dunno what's wrong also.. Im happy but i dunno how to show cos i feel sad at the same time.. Like weird ah... Dunno why also... Like stupid lah me... dun even know i feeling wat... Haha...

Ok.. Very long this post... Adious! I post again soon...
Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Sigh... Im not gonna talk much.. In fact.. Not for the next few days.. Really... Life's being a big mumu to me... i hate it.. one mistake.. Its all it takes to put you down JUST when you think WOW! You're ready to face the world again... Dammit....

It's okay.. They dun understand me.. So wat if im wrong? Dun they always say learn from my mistake? You think they hurt i happy ah? You think i not hurt ah??? Wat sia?!?!? Wat am i? Just a kid!??!?!?!? Always a kid!!! Always!!! I bet even Bryan will mature faster than me right?!?!? right??? forget it lah.. Let me be a kid then.. When i marry, still a kid.. When i die, still a kid.. Thanks...

So the whole no vulgarities thing? It's getting on my nerve... There's no way else to vent my anger!! that's probably why i have been throwing my temper at others... And im so sorry... Ha... You know? They say they know... they know i have a boyfriend... So the wat?!?!?!?! huh??? Im suppose to take initiative at the CORRECT TIME!!! Maybe he's right.. Im just like that.. always thinking this way... always doing stupid things like that without thinking... Everyone MIGHt be right.. Except me lah... Ok? Thanks ah.. Just when im ready to come out.... You bring out the past to bring me down.... Ok... Gooooood.... So now lets all go back to the start...

They dun even know me.... They think yeah.. I've been thru that.... Im not rebellious!! Im just trying!! trying to get you guys to understand that im maturing!! that i wanna be an adult!!! But its ok... I'll never be... We'll see.. We'll see when im actually BECOMING an adult!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Im damn stressed!!! Im damn pissed!!!! I cannot take it!!!! I need something!!!!!!AHHHHH!!!
Friday, February 03, 2006

The whole martian thing?? Forget about it.. Its not getting funnier.. I dun do things that dun get better each time... So ill stop here... =))

And what?? I haven't eaten for five mumu days... Wah kau eh... Stupid appetite sia... Serious.. This is the first time i soooo long never eat... Am i like having eating disorder or something??? And i keep feeling nausea... Like wanna vomit.. Prolly my gastric... Crap... Haiyoh... And everybody's pissed with me... Thanks to my appetite.. That went missing in action since 5 days ago... Mumu....

Okok... So im rather hyper now... Bcos i just got off the phone with someone rather special... Muahahaha... No lah.. Cos somebody said something to me for the first time... Lol.. And i melted... PLUS!!! I did the most stupid thing ever... Lol.. It was rather fun though.. It's a VGs thing... And they all saw it... That "kiss".... That wonderful moment.... I heard i melted somebody's heart... Hahaha... I hope i did... At least it wouldn' be wasted.. The embarrassment that i went through... I was super paiseh... Haha...

So.... Wat else?? My parents are in Genting with Bryan... And im super bored... Got hw to do but i cant think straight now... alot of things on my mind... I thinking of how to settle some things... And to choose a date to talk with my loved ones... Bcos it seems to have a bit of tension between us lately... Dunno arh... I hope to clear things up as soon as possible and then we can ALL start afresh.. Make things better in so many ways... Make the love stronger...

Muahahahahah... ok.. Im super high now.. Plus clarissa is shouting her lungs out bcos she cant seem to focus on her design proposal thing.. Oh... Who can blame her... I see wat she have to do.. and the way she explain it... Then i might as well drop dead and die.. Im never gonna take up landscape architecture... Its like DNT.. Just more difficult... Haha... Okok.. I gtg.. Bye pple... I need to bye food for that stubborn pigg that's trying to do her work... She scold me dun eat.. She also haven't eat... Haha... I even offer to cook!! How many times does that happen?? huh??? Muahhaha.... Ok.. bye
Thursday, February 02, 2006

Well well... This past few days have been total crap for me.. But still i learnt many things and im growing stronger.. And i've learnt how to love and cherish my vgs nore.. And open up.. cos once i bottle anything inside.. Things start to happen... Sigh.. I guess thats the silver lining of it all.. I learnt many things and im trying to start things afresh...

Okays, i guess blogging is really getting out of my life.. I dun really have much passion in it anymore.. But sometimes i still blog... Of cos.. I cant live without drama in my life.. I like to dramafy my life.. that's me.. Love it or leave it... Im serious.. I ave no idea.. Maybe its because i INVITE drama into my life.. But someway some how my life will get dramafide by itself... And sometimes i hate it.. Sometimes i love it... It depends.. Really.... Im amazed at how dramafide my life can get at times... Maybe im just exaggerating... You see?? another potential sign of being drama queenified!!!

Okok... Haha.. I guess im a tad bit tired and weak to blog now.. Haven eaten for three and a half days... Only perhaps to mouth of rice.. which is pathetic... I have no appetite... DAMN APPETITE!! COME BACK TO ME!!! Urgh.. Feel so sick... I wanna vomit.. Stoopid gastric... I dun wanna die!!!