Here's a big shout out to those i have hurt these past few weeks...

I'M SO SORRY!!!!

I know i haven't been a strong girl lately. Hurting you guys with my words and actions. Doing things i know i would regret. Saying things that don't come direct from the heart. It just happened okay? I really just couldn't handle it. Even now, im still unable to do so.. I just dunno how... Im sorry..

I'll blog another day.. Im sorry..

It's been awhile.. Hello once again... It hasn't been a good week.. Not one bit good... Not even CLOSE to good...

All i do these days is sleep, eat, eat more, sleep more, listen to songs, sing along with the songs, eat and SLEEP!!! There's practically nothing else i do... Perhaps except thinking too much... It's not a very nice time in my life.. Not proud of it.. I have a feeling i have sub-consciously given up on everything. But if i really have, how come i dun even know it?? Is my body alr breaking down?? Not possible.. Can't let that happen.. O levels are coming and im breaking down only NOW?!?!? My timing are super duper always appropriate...

There many things on my mind now. So many that i don't even feel like thinking about, let alone talk about it with anyone. Why they always judge me?? Why everything i do even the pple that i love best judge me??? I know, cos they care about me right??? But why everything i do i need pple to worry for me?? She said it's cos im not working towards my goal. And that is to make pple proud of me. I do what i want and i don't care about what others think. Is that true?? Is that what i have been doing?? Im so oblivious to that(if that's true)...

It's one big issue after another. It's losing several important things close to heart within months... It's me being unable to handle the shit... Yeah.. Blame me... It's always me..I don't work hard enough. I don't care enough. I don't show enough. I don't do enough. I don't try enough. Nothing i do or say is ever enough... Ha... So when will it ever be enough?? When you finally have gotten enough of me and my crap?!?!?!? Understand understood lah... I get your point alr....

"Where are you,
And im so sorry.
I cannot sleep
I cannot dream tonight.
I need somebody
And always,
This sick strange darkness,
Comes creeping on
So haunting everytime."

I think the thing i need to get thru with life in the long run is an external conscience. Someone to be there with me 24/7.. Yeah. I've always been this dependant. I hate to admit it lah. But i need constant, in fact, TOO constant at times, attention. Im a attention seeking bitch when it comes to pple i care about. The problem is,

"Oh yes,
I'm the great pretender."

I pretend so many things. Even sometimes i amaze myself. How i can pretend so many things at one time. I think the only time i feel like im not pretending is when im alone shedding those irritating stuff and thinking about way too much at one point. I can't do that in front of anybody now. Not even HER.. Don't even mention HIM or THEM... I do it alone now. I TRY to fight it alone now. I work alone.

If you ever knew me. You would see that change in me. I don't talk much in school now. All i do is sleep in class. BE with the VGs. Then i turn myself off from the rest of the world. You would see me saying "Leave me alone first. I'm tired, i wanna sleep.." The fact is im not tired at all. In fact, i don't wanna sleep. Im just not in the mood to do anything constructive anymore.I don't wanna be your confidante. I don't wanna hear you tell me about how i have change. I don't wanna see you talk to your beloved friends and then come back to me like im some kinda doll. I don't wanna hear you laugh over the stupidest things ever. Most importantly i don't want you to see me in this state. I don't want you to despise me and judge me and tell me something's wrong bcos DON'T YOU THINK BY NOW I WOULD HAVE REALISE SOMETHING'S WRONG?!?!?! And if i knew what was wrong i would have been talking by now... Figuring this shit out really takes time and energy. Yeah. Despise me cos im weak k? No problem. I'll take it... Cos I myself despise myself.. =)

If you guys can go thru your shit alone. Why can't i, huh?? The million dollar question. Why can't i?? The once used to be fucking strong Mandy.. Ha... You think??? If you ever figure out the damn answer.. Call me beep me if you wanna reach me... Yeah. So if anyone of you talks to me and get a really ignorant reply. PLEASE try to understand. "It's not you, it's me..." Ha.. Yah.. Just leave me alone lah. Anyway in time to come i won't mean anything to you. Pple come and pple go. Soon you'll go your way and ill go mine. So why not make it now? Since all i bring about is negativity.. Move on with YOUR life. Why stick with me til you neglect your own?? Leave now before it's too late and you regret ever being with me..

Fuck. Why i so drama? And Moufie, if you wanna slap me cos i said the word fuck.. Slap me... Better yet, kill me lah.. Easier. Waste your bloody energy... The word Fuck will never leave my dictionary cos im feel fucked up most of the time. And if you were to ask me how im feeling or what im thinking?? "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!" That's how i feel.. Take that. Or leave me to say all the fuck i wanna say.. fuck is just a word man. If it helps me to calm down, i dun see what so wrong about it. It's nt like im insulting any of the people around me. I just want to express my feelings the way it seems to be. And FUCK is EXACTLY the word. I don't even get the meaning of the word FUCK sometimes. It's just a god damn word. People over emphasize on the fact that it's a "BAD" word too much. It's OVER-RATED!! Just leave the FUCK word alone!!! IT's just a word!! Like me, im just me... So leave us both alone...

Im sry if all this hurt anyone. Actually no. Im not sry. But out of politeness i MUST apologise. I want you guys to leave me. And if i call on anyone of you. don't pick up. Leave me, you'll be better off. so no, im not sry. I might regret asking you guys to leave one day but that's just the way the story goes. You wanna see me rise from my fall?? Then leave me... Don't come near me.. Don't even try... It's not worth it... I hurt you guys time and time again and you still stick with me.. Foooooooor whhhaaaaaat?!??!?! Just turn your back and leave lah!! I cry and then ill move on lah. Worse comes to worse i just DON'T move on.. At least YOU get to get rid of your burden what. Sial.. Never think sia.. Nvm ah. You won't understand. Hopefully one day i will too... Bye.

I went shopping alone today. I really had the urge to go to woodlands so i went there all by myself. I didn't bother to ask anyone cos it's pretty last minute. Yeah. I dressed up in 10 mins and was off to woodlands via train. I shopped there for about 2 hrs. and then i got really tired, couldn't stop yawning and tears were in my eyes. So i went to take a train back to Tp and wanted to get those delicious muffins from lor1 but i couldn't find the stall, either it was closed or it disappeared. But anyways, i was really pissed off bcos i really wanted to have those yummy muffins. But oh wells, i guess another day then!! So i took a bus back to central and started to walk home.

And as i walk home there was this two guy on two seperate motorcycles. From Canadian pizza or something. Malay guys anyway. They were kinda poking fun at me while i was waiting at the traffic light. But i only heard a little bcos i was listaning to song from my phone and i was way too embarrassed to care.. I think those two guys were probably fucking bored being pizza delivery men. Haha. But who cares... They weren't that good looking anyways. =p

I bought my mum her birthday present. Sharing the cost with Wilson. And i bought myself a rather cheap perfume, smells alright and mine's running out so i just bought it. And i got myself a BROWN head band finally!! It looks alright lah. it was pretty damn cheap though. Happen to chance upon it while looking around in a mini multi-purpose shop. Haha. So i boght it. I've been spending alot lately. My card's going bust. I need to stop spending, especially on expensive food. Well, hopefully i earn back what i spent in the next exhibition.

Some of the results are out. and gosh! Mr Ng told me i didn't do very well for my a maths. I asked about E maths but he didn't know my results. That man makes my nerves play balls man!! Im like freaked out lah. Cos if i seriously flunk my mid-years again i might as well drop out of school. I cant man. Hope i have at least a tad bit of improvement to prove that i've actually been studying quite abit.. I HAVE!! Believe me!! I dun lie about studying. Im not that kind.. =)

So anyways, I wanna get myself a new jeans. Or a three quarts. I wanna go to beach road god dammit!! The things there are more affordable!! And i can alter stuff there at a cheaper rate. I wanna alter all my jeans to make them not so long. They tend to drag on the floor and the bottoms are all torn. So i NEED to alter them. Plus Syg keep teasing me about helping keep s'pore clean by sweeping the floor with my jeans, so i keep folding them up to make them three-quarts. It's looks weird so might as well just alter it right??? I look Very, even more AUNTIE in three quarts. But i think it's the IN thing now. everyone's having their jeans folded up or wearing nice three-quarts everywhere. Yah. Im so out of fashion. Bleah~

alright. I need to go mend my lovely tote bag. Damn! i hate sewing. Strings everywhere. Needles.. Stoopid shit. Why cant i be rich so i can have my own personal helper or something. blah~ Dream on dumbass... If Mandy ever get rich it's either by luck, chance or she married an old rich guy who dies shortly after their marriage.. Haha. Joking.. =) BYE!

just a short update.

my life's fine. Nth bad, nth good. actually many good things happen this past week lah. Im relatively happy. Like, syg got to come along with my family on sunday for awhile. And he beat me hands down in street fighter. I also found out he dunno how to ride a bicycle. Cute lah that boy. I love him to bits.

Spend some time with adek just now chilling at my house. We were planning to go to the gym and guess wat we did instead??? We ate like pigs on the loose!! Ok. Not her lah. She ate like a refined guniang. But i munched down every thing!! Haha.. But it was cool chilling with her. It's been a long time. Dek, if you are reading this. Thanks for today. It really helped to ease those problems alot bcos today the connection came back. You should know.. I felt it. I hope you felt it too... Love you dear. =)

One of my dear friends have been going thru some problems and she dealt with it the wrong way i suppose. I just want you to know dear friend, you should know who you are, please, work things out the right way. If you thing wat you're doing will help, trust me, you should think again. Bcos watever you're doing i have done before and it makes things worst. And it lets you regret ever doing it. Trust me. I dunno lah. I'll be there for you whenever you need me yah? You take care of yourself please.

So it's a holiday tmr. DAMN! Why they chose a wednesday of all the god damn weekdays!!! Let us have a long weekend lah!! Stoopid sia... idiots.. In the middle of the week can go where sia? okok. i gtg. bye!!

You guys should hear the song by PINK. Dear Mr President. It's pretty cool... I think she's got balls singing that kinda song. I mean she should probably get invited to the white house or something. Haha.. Cool song lah.. I call this a song by the people for the people. Lol.. Wtf...

TEQUILA baby!!! Im really into oldies. I've just about uploaded twenty over songs of olden times into my phone. some that can dance to, some that is quite touching. Hahaha.. PRETTY WOMAN~~~

Ok.. Seriously, im damn high now listening to these songs. Especially songs from by Ritchie Valens.. Come on let's go and La Bamba... WOOOOOOO~~~!!! I tell you... If i can i would go back to the 60's and disco my way up man!! Wooooo! But they say discoing in the past caused much death cos they were all either taking drugs or engaging in casual sex. Haha... Wow!!! Who's up for that shit man??? DANG!!!

There's A maths paper two tmr and im skiving off like its no big deal. Haha.. God damn!! I think someone should pinch me in the behind man!! Well, im uploading tons and tons of oldies into my phone. So if you see me singing and dancing im prolly singing to SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER or something like that. Haha..

I hope Dek's studying.. And Moufie and Anarchy too... I miss my syg.. Wonder if he's booking out tonight. Sigh... There's alot of things on my mind!! But i'd much prefer to stay crazy listening to songs. Plus by uploading songs, im leaving my hp OFF!!! YESH!!! Im cut off from the world!! Cos to my knowledge, nobody i knows calls me thru my house phone except my family members. Even my brother calls me by my hp. Haha.. So you see, nobody can get to me now!!! Im cut off!!! Except if you count msn... Haha.... BYE!!! I wanna go dance my way to heaven!! WOOOT~~

It's been quite awhile since i blog. Oh who gives a shit anyways. I don't think there's even anyone reading my blog. But i blog anyway because i have seriously nothing better to do except study. Which i refuse to do because it's not my thing. =) However the mid-years happening right now and i find myself reading some notes at moments where i feel like a nerd.

I'm addicted to eating. I can't stop eating. Im on a eating craze.. I eat like there's no tmr. There's not 5 minutes where you don't find any amount of food in my mouth... Holy schmokes!! How much weight am i gonna gain through this??? oh heck! WHO gives a SHIT!

I miss my syg alot. Wonder what he's doing in camp now... We watched "Army Daze" yesterday at his house. Trust me it was hilarious!!! Seriously, i think it's been at least 6 years i haven't watched that show. It's the best singapore production movie ever!! I laughed my ass off... Especially the drama between Khrishnan and Lathi. I was telling Syg that maybe whenever he book-in we should do some shit like that. And he said i was being crazy. I found it rather intersting though...

Imagine me going "Shukur!!!" and him going "Mandy!!!" Then i go on to say with teary eyes "You take care of yourself ok? And don't be a hero... I Luuuuuurve you!!!" And then we hug... And slowly we seperate until our finger tips slide of and then he turns around to walk off... And then AGAIN we repeat the process... I bet that'll be like way more drama than Vasantham and Arts central added together!! Haha... But he don't like the idea.. I wonder why... hmmmm???

Haha. Ok lah.. I being really crazy lah. The show was really funny though.. Sheik haikel looks damn hilarious bald.. And the Kenny guy's rather cute.. Haha... I felt like i was back in my childhood days watching that show. but things are different now. I have a bulging tummy. I have pimples on my face. And the person beside me wasn't my mom but my boyfriend. come to think of it, other than the show, i think everything else have changed... Good or bad change im unable to judge. But then again, WHO gives a SHIT!

Chemistry paper was screwed today. I won't pass it. Trust me, im always right when it comes to this kinda shit. A maths? Muahahahahaha.... I told Moufie and Krush that if i pass it i'll treat them to Swensens... I would gladly!! Bcos im so freaking sure that im gonna flunk that paper.. Hahaha... Today's just screwed up lah.. But dunno why i was so god damn hyper all the way since morning.

I think i'll go de-stress by playing some Black Hawk Down game that my brother just downloaded.. It seems fun. But much more complicated than CS.. Nvm.. I can't conquer the academic world?? At least i'll try shooting down some stupid bastard in a computer game.. Haha.. Blah... I suck at computer games. It will only make me more depressed. Haha.. But no harm trying!! =) Weeeeet~ ciao...

Oh yeah.. By the way, just for anyone's info.. Im working during 1st to 4th june at suntec.. Selling PALM.. Please!!! COME VSIT!! And if you know of anyone that wants a palm!! PLEASE!!! Introduce them to me!!! And ask them to wait til the exhibition to buy!! There'll be promotions...!! =) Haha.. PLEASE... Do come by and visit.... Aite...

Well just a short post. i think it's only now im actually doing some studying. I just finished studying a little bit of physocs. It's the mid-years tmr. Im gonna study a little for geography later too. Two papers tmr. Im gonna flunk them. Im dead sure. But oh hecks. I'll try the best i can do at this point of time anyways. =)

Yepps. I haven't really been spending time with my VGs lately. It's been a very hectic week. Or couple of weeks... Lotsa things happened in my life.. Some i would love to mention some i'd rather keep mum.. I have lotsa stuff on my mind. But somehow i can't seem to pour them out anymore. I don't feel secure to say it anywhere anymore. Or perhaps i myself am not sure what im feeling/thinking. So i'd prefer to just shut up about it.

I'm not going thru much. I'm just not able to handle what im going thru. So those who are worrying about me.. Don't... I'll survive this.. I always do... one way or another... Or so i hope... I just hope i can at least pass my mid years. Show some improvement to my parents. then work on harder.. And then do well in prelims. then freaking ace my o levels. Well, nice painted dream. Won't happen.. But no harm trying.. =)

Aite. I wanna go shop&save and buy chips to eat before i mug again. MUGGGGGG!! On my stupid geog.. I so wish that studying is not so important around the world... dammit. Who ever invented studying and examinations is defintely one DORK i would love to kill.. Trust me.. If i ever lay my hands on those two guys who invented those two miserable things... I will not hesitate to go for the kill... Try me!! Haha...

Okok... I miss talking to my VGs. Alot have changed now. Maybe it's just me.. Or maybe alot of things. I dunno.. It's just not the same anymore. I guess i manage to screw things up once again. Thanks for being there anyways. Truly aprreciate your little gestures... Love you guys. bye.