IM SO SAD TODAY!!! =( NABEI CB!!! KNN PB PCB...... !!! Narnia! Dont know what the fuck happened. After Bryan use it yesterday my fucking laptop sort of restarted and everything was gone!!! I try to restore it over and over again but it just keeps erroring!! NABEI PCB... Im damn fucked up now. I was in a good mood until i on my laptop. FUCK!! All my pictures gone. All my music. ALL!!! FUCK!!! My pictures!!! My fucking pictures!!! =( NABEI I WANNA CRY.... =(


Fuck i wanna cry....


I was happy just now. Because last night was awesome. I finally got the kinda drunk feeling i wanted since months ago. I finally get to feel it. So yesterday was Harris's sort of drinking birthday party. Danny, Gk, Gy, Nick, Zan, Tk, Brandon were there including Harris and myself. Went to Cuscaden for drinks. Jugs and Jugs of Beer. And Shots for the birthday boy. Played drinking games. Met around 8-9pm and some knocked out before 12. So yeap.

BIRTHDAY BOY LEFT EARLY!!! WTF!!! Lol... I got pissed drunk after that and Gk had to bring me home. Im so grateful. And i feel bad. And it was so epic and so unglam for me cos i went into the mens room and puked. Lolololol... Not as bad as what the birthday boy did. Lol.. And i guess i wasnt really that drunk. Just tipsy and very tired... But i had fun. And i enjoyed myself and i feel bad. Cos i didnt get to pay in the end and i dunno who paid. I wanna chip in. We drank quite abit.

I read the book NEW MOON. Loved it. Wanna watch the movie. Feel like a bitch for not watching it when it came on screen. Regrets. Now i cant find the DVD or VCD anywhere. Not even in Malaysia. I mean, the pirated one is blur and all so my friend didnt buy for me.

Im so super sian now. Feel damn fucked up. nothing to do. Its a weekday and i got no school! thats fucking awesome. No more school anymore. Need to start looking for a job seriously. No joke anymore. Must plan out everything sui sui... Hopefully i land a good job on my hands.

My parents are at the Singapore Casino now. Oh... Macau was great. But the down part is we lost a whole fucking lot of money. yeah. but it was fun. Til the end of the trip it got a bit boring cos losing money makes you feel fucked. But food was good. Very expensive trip. Wont go there again maybe til i've got 10,000 bucks in hand. Haha.

Ok. please pray for me that somehow miraculously my lappy will heal itself and restore all my pictures. I dont care about anything else. Those pictures are very iportant to me. They're my memories. I got to have them back or ill cry real bad everytime i think of my loss. Lolol.. Knn... Very emotional time for me... Wanna go cry into the pillow and hope to die now..

TC. BYE!

The moon represents my heart in a different version by David Tao. GREAT SONG. Bring me to tears sometimes. I dunno. I just got something for old songs. The true version was sung by Theresa Teng decades ago. I dunno. This song speaks so much of what i wanna say. What i wanna express. Maybe it doesnt sound anything in english. But if you think about it. Just like how the moon changes shape. Love changes too. I guess now... Im in the eclipse.

Eclipse of the heart.

Haha.. I love this version. Lol. Vulgar and fucked but full of emotions. Lol..

"Once upon a time i was falling in love. NOW IM FUCKIN FALLING APART"

Valentines day is coming. I've never hated it as much as i hate it now. I'll be there for you... i dunno. YOU seeing this? Haha...



I dunno how to talk to you anymore. =( I just cant figure you out lah. Nabeiisss... But this song. Is for YOU.

I feel fucked today. I dunno. Im scared... =( maybe im just pmsing. or just being the same ol emo me. Just not a good day.. =( I hate being kept in the dark.. =(

:'( :'< :""[ :"| :( SObz lah cibaisssss. =(

Part of a conversation yesterday with a friend went....

Him : "So is he doing anything? Like are you guys still talking?"
ME : "No. Nothing. Just a couple of goodnights and take cares. Nothing."
Him : " hmmm... Maybe he's going for someone else already? All i know is that he is very active on facebook now."
ME : "Really.. ahaha.. cool... Maybe..."


Yeap. If you know me well enough the last sentence was meant to be sarcastic. And after that.... Another conversation went with another friend...

Him : "So did he do anything? Like call you or ask you out?"
Me : "nope.. nothing... no call. no sms. no initiative."
Him : "hmm, i wonder why? Has he given up?"
Me : "I guess so. I dunno. Why dont you go ask him?"
Him : "Maybe he just doesnt know what to do...?"
Me : " even an idiot knows what to do if he says he wanna be best friends or even friends."
Him : "Yeah... Hmmm... I dunno... You know why?"
Me : "NO??"

I really dunno what to say to our friends anymore. Am i suppose to do some thing? Am i suppose to mourn the death of the relationship i held so tightly on to? Nabeis... I feel like dying today...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the brighter note!! My parents and Bryan are back!! And im not all aone at home anymore... My dad is sitting beside me watching tv now. So now i feel human presence. I guess im not crying anymore.

Today i woke up and i dunno why i started singing songs. Sad songs. Like literally immediately after i wake up i just started singing OUT LOUD. And then i started to cry... And then i slept back again. I woke up at 5pm wondering what the fuck to do. And then i mop the house. All i can say, today was weird... VERY weird...

Friday night was... erm.... ok lor..... What to say.... Im sorry it wasn't as fun as the last time. Maybe because Harris isnt here. Or maybe because i wasnt in the mood by the time Danny and Isk came. I dunno. Just didnt go as expected. Dun wanna elaborate.

Tomorrow is start of UT3. My last one week of school. I hope ill do good. Tomorrow is also the day ill head out to Malaysia with my friends. So its great.. Hoping to have some fun there.

Last night was spent with Tang. Was great!! He let me drive all around. We had fun talking about evry thing and sharing stories... tang is great... Still great in my books.. =) I went home at 6am. Haha. Wtf man.

This post is soooo all over the place!! Knn. Cheebais... Ill go now. Bye ...

Today i was in the MRT. I sat at the PRIORITY seat. When i saw an old man walk in. I didnt see a old lady walk in. So i gave up my seat to the old guy who was standing at the opposite side. Suddenly as i stood up the old lady who was in FRONT of me made me seat back down because she was only there for one stop. Then i sat down and the old man(whom i believe knew!) just looked at me. After a while, someone else stood up and the old man went to sit. Next thing i knew, at the next stop, ANOTHER old lady came in. And then i gave up my seat to her and she was very grateful.

I was telling myself. WTF?? Knn.. Cb. Haha. But i did good. =) Nothing to be embarrassed about. Everyone was looking at me. SO? I was doing good deed ma!!! hor? Lol...

So last night... My mum came and say "Mei, u sure you'll be ok all alone thru the weekends? try not to ask your friends over to sleep ah?"

At that point i was ABOUt to tell her about the sleep over. Then i stopped. As i was sitting at the sofa watching tv. I was contemplating whether to tell my mum about it or just hide thru it. Then i confirmed with my values and principles and i decided!!! It is BEST that i tell her. So i just told her. And she didnt say much! Just gave me the look and asked if its all guys. and i said yea. all guys... She kept quiet.

So you see!!!! Being honest is good. I decided not to lie and i didnt get into trouble. May have made my mum abit angry/upset but i did the right thing. Im proud of myself. I pride myself to be honest to everyone who i love and loves me. And last night i proved to myself i could do it. and it wasnt VERY difficult. I guess... I just wanted to prove to myself that speaking the truth is what everyone should do. And if i can stop lying to my friends. It's only fair and justified that i MUST stop lying to my family. they're everything to me. And to me, not lying to them shows how much i love them.

Yeah. Alot of people will say that its because my family is open and they're forgiving and what nots. I AGREE! But then again, if i didnt give them a chance to be open and happening, i guess til now i would have hidden tons of lies from them. And they wouldn't know shit about me. And i would be a slut. Its my family that make me stay grounded. And because of that, they deserve to knnow the good and bad of me. If they know, and they want to throw me out of my house and sever ties with me. Then thats just too bad for me. I make mistakes and they cant accept me then its beyond my control. But at least, they know what i did. And IF they still love me knowing all my crap? Then it will just go to show that nothing will stop their love for me.

If i lie... so many things will go wrong in so many places. Plus, it takes another lie to cover up a lie. So the snowballing effect will kill the relationship. I wanna be loved for who i am. I dun wanna be love for the lies i created. Not only will they feel like shit. I'll feel like shit too...

ANYWAY, i realise one thing about myself recently. I TAKE EVERYTHING very personally. So i become very emotional and upset easily. Becuas eto me everything becomes so personal. Sometimes people dun lie to me. But i see it as a lie. Maybe because i care too much. And even if the person's anger or temper is not against me but it rubbed a little off on me. I get upset cos i think i suck. Everything becomes so personal. I jut keep thinking people hate me and dun like me. And everything revolves ard that. Anything bad happens and i automatically presume im the fucked up one. That i fucked up everythiing and thats why things goes wrong.

Im gonna change that. I wanna relax my mind. and i wanna forgive myself. and if i want to do that, i have to forgive everyone else. I need to forgive and let live to those ard me, before i can start to forgive myself. I will try... =) I WILL TRY! =)

Last day of school. And then another week of UT and ill be up up and away!!!! School ends in a week. New start. New life. New beginning. I'll keep going on. Keep on keeping on. Keep on trying.

I still dont wanna be just friends..... =(

OK! Today... is gonna be a good day.

TOODLES_LEE_LOOOOOS!!!

Hi. actually today i wanted to upload more pictures. But then my phone is fucked up and i cant connect it to my laptop to load those new photos. =( Fucked up.

Anyway breakfast/lunch was awesoome. Ate beef bolognaise bake rice at the cafe library. With Azim and Aiden. Its a good place to hang out and the food is ok too. =) But the service is a bit fucked and their supplies are always not enough. Not enough cheese, tobasco sauce, blah blah blah... =/

So now the class is looking at videos of my faciliators's kid. Haha. and they are all going "soooo cute!!!" Well, i think all kids are damn cute. angels sent to us to save the shit out of us. =) And just now they looked at half naked pictures of an RP girl that were posted online. some malay kiddish looking girl that took pictures of her breasts at a park. Why the FUCK would anyone wanna put her own breats pictures online unless she wants to be a porn star or wants to be famous with her dingy-dongs? Fucking dumbshit. Some people just don't think. But she took those boobies pictures with her boyfriend kissing her and hugging her. so basically. She was flaunting it. I don't get it. She looks like a kid with big boobs! Scary. If i saw her with CLOTHES ON! I'll say she looks cute and innocent. After i saw the photos... I realise sweet and innocent people are so capable of doing not-so-sweet and fucked up stuff.

honestly? I think almost everyone has tried taking a naked photo of themselves before. Or maybe sometimes we just take sexy pictures to see how we would be like as sluts and pornstars. But i guess we dont go to the extent of keeping them... More to the extent of SHOWING THEM ONLINE?? Passwords can be broken into sayang.. Sex.... Such a world of maniacs out there.. Wonder why god created sex. Or lust. Human race should DIE. I dont see how good overcomes bad in this world. All i see is the bad thiings people do and others trying to reclaim their reason to live by doing good things. Everyone has a motive.

I think i'd like to watch the show "THE LEGION". My brother told me its stupid but the storyline seems awesome. Because apparently GOD wants to exterminate all of human race by sending ZOMBIES to kill human. And there was some angel or soldier of something that thinks that there is still HOPE in humans. He's wrong... Humans are becoming fuckier-upper by the MINUTE! Emotions and education and all those fucked up things are making everyone become monstrous. The most innocent people that deserves hope would be babies that have yet to learn how to walk and talk. Once they learn how to adapt to the human race. I guess they're all condemned already. Babies and angels until they learn how to be human. Fuck the human race. If i had one wish. I'll ask god to finish the world up with one blow. and keep the babies in heaven.

WTF? Why i so fucked up today? Lol. Sorry.


Yesterday was totally boring and fucked. stayed in school til 5pm to do nothing at all after the presentation. It went ok. Nth bad, nth good. So im not expecting much. So we just slacked and played games and do nth. =(

After that i went with Azim to go Acer to fix his laptop. Acer's fucked. Fix so many times still cant fix it. Then make Azim go here go there. Nabei. If i was azim i would have fucked them upside down and make them give me a another laptop for replacement til they prove to me my laptop is fucking fixed. got warranty mah... He didn't pay extra for 3 years warranty just to get this kind of shit. Especially when UT is just around the corner.

ANYWAY, HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY!!! Was at night when i coincidentally, accidentally, awesomely bumped into ARYANI BTE RAHIM!!! That awesoe girl made my day. We had so much fun and finally had POPEYES!! =)

I've been slacking alot this week. Havent been exercising. =( Im very disappointed with myself. I have to re-motivate myself again. And cut down on food again. My motivation has been wavered. So i have to be determined all over again. Maybe go swimming again.. =)

Ok. smoke break!! BYE! =)

Today is bring-bryan-to-school day. He got diarrhea and my mum had to go work so i brought Bryan to school. And well, he's taking a nap at the pantry area now. It ok. Thanks to those who helped. Azim, Yoke Yu and Aiden. Esp Yoke Yu, she didnt have to but she brought us all the way to the clinic. So im grateful to that.

Just ate lunch and now class starts. Im feeling slack today. Dunno what i wanna do. No plans no nothing. Maybe just stay home.

Well, yesterday was watch ghost movies night with The ZIMster. We watched Creepy-hide-and-seek, and Sumpah Pocong. One jap and one malay ghost movie. Sumpah pocong was ok. But CHAS was stupid to the core i was about to fall asleep. and yeap. Maybe friday will be Coming soon. We rented 3 CDs. So left one more. Maybe for Friday.

what a day today is... =/ i got like an emotional roller coaster going on inside me right now. I dunno. Just have lots of tots in my head. Got so many things running thru. I wish i would get my ass down to study for UT. I havent even uploaded all the 6Ps. =(

Ben is playing some sad love song shit on his lappy and thats making me feel ore fucked up. I dunno what song it is but it goes something like "Sometimes love gets you down, you just get back up".... Well, getting back up isnt as easy as just singing a song. =/

I gotta go now... =( byesss....

Hello my people!! =)

I had a whole load of shit to blog about today and i've been thinking about them since 2 days ago. BUT!!! I totally forgot wtf i wanna blog about... =)

So lets start with Saturday. I helped Vanessa out with her flea market at SMU. Business was okay. Much better than the Arts house one. =\ she got me an awesome dress and i bought myself another. =) She gave me a heart shaped pendant that is AWESOME! Vanessa's just damn awesome. She OOOZES awesome-ness everywhere!! Lol....

Sunday(yesterday), i drove around in my dad's car here and there with my family. I STILL suck.. But im getting better. =) So i drove and i was happy because i was with my family and we had fun. My dad wasn't in a bad mood or anything so everything was good. =) After that around 8plus i went to meet Harris, danny and Tk. It was awesome. They bluff me about peeing on the chair that creeped me out a whole lot. after awhile we headed to the fake RK and ate. Then home.

When i reached home i was so tired. I didn't wanna wake up this morning. =(

Azim is late. Oh and today is gonna be GYM with zimster again. Harris and danny ask me to do more cardio if i wanna lose weight. So im gonna do more jogging and bicycle and striding today. =)

did i mention is have a clean and awesome cupboard now thanks to ahzim? Haha. Im so thankful.. =) I hope i dun mess it up anytime soon. Haha..

HENDAK SERIBU DAYA. TAK NAK SERIBU DALIH.

If Harris taught me right, it means, if someone wants to do something, there's a thousand ways he can go about doing it and he WILL do it. If he doesn't wanna do something, he'll just find a thousands excuses to not do it. It's sort of a malay proverb i guess...

I guess its true. and i shouldn't justify anyone's excuses anymore. I think.... I think tiny steps by tiny steps im letting go and moving on. I just hope that that emotional time-bomb in me doesn't explode soon. Cos i've just recovered from some cut and bruises and i don't wanna deal with another injury. =( My wound just healed a little and i dun wanna get hurt again. I wish my emotions would help me on this.

My dad went to vietnam this morning. And My mum and Bryan will be joining them on the 5th. And on that day, My friends will be coming over to have a slpover sort of party i guess. Well most of them are guys so saying slp over party sounds gay. fuck. I mean they're coming over to have awesome fun!! Lol.. That just sounds wrong... They're great friends that would teman me while im all alone at home with nobody to rely on. Im thankful for these friends. =) We've decided on that day maybe we'll have a Russell Peters marathon and laugh the shitasses off our heads. It's seems like it gonna be fun. Well, with them? Nothing is not fun... =)

so this weekend i have them to spend my friday and half a saturday with. Then ill be alone til Sunday not knowing what to do. I haven't plan yet. Maybe go for a swim. Or a jog. Or maybe, just a little maybe i might be home nursing a bad hangover. But i doubt it. I don't think we'll be drinking much. Not like that day anyway.

Wednesday is FYP presentation day. Cant fucking wait for it to be over.





fucking fuckermollies .. i think i got a crush on you... again.... =( I'm not supposed to.




I want to be happy. I want my emotions out of me. I wanna be a boy. =(
Fuck im becoming emo. Will go now. Bye.