Fuck! I forgot to do my RJ for communications module yesterday. Shit. Hopefully i dun get a C. So yeahs. Recently work have been stupendous. I really really am starting to like this job. And the fact that it's a part time job that i enjoy doing makes it ever more inviting. I even skipped rugby traininig yesterday to go for work. So yeah. everything's SORTED.

I'll be working again today. But this time after work i gotta go home. So tiring. But yeah its fine cos it'll be on the transport home. So won't be that bad. Yeaps. Work is gonna be havoc today. They say it's gonna be uber packed and i really have no confidence in not screwing up. I havent really get the hang of everything yet. Still quite fresh. But im glad that Jess would be with me being a fresh muscle. Well, cant wait to screw up today. Wahahahaha....

Just finished smoking with Saedah and gang. It's been cool. She's going off to malaysia today and its only today that i found out about her and her sicknesses. I feel damn sad for her. And yeah. I wish her a speedy recovery. She kept talking to me about Owen. And she says that he is hoping and that he thinks im always busy and has no time for him. hmmm, it's weird cos im mostly the one that initiates any freaking conversation. He says he wants time and everything to get to know me and then Saedah says im hurting him by always being "not free". And who the hell says im avoiding him? Im not. Since he's shy, two can play the game too wat. ??? RIGHT? Is true or not? Lol...

I feel really fished up now cos Fid is saying things he shouldnt be saying. I dunno whats wrong with him lah. Paranoid over every thing and little things he wanna merajuk. tak tau lah nak buat ape skrg. Asal banyak politics sia? Mane mane pon ade politics. Bingit siak! Lol. Im becoming MIREP! Lol...

Okay lah. I really not much mood to blog. Thx anonymous for your comments. Stil wondering who you are though. And i miss adek like mad. Farhna has been blogging shit again about me and i really dun have the time and energy to layan that nonsense. How the fuck can an 18 year old be so stupid. Makes no sense lah. Fucking grow up lah. I feel like staying indoors now. Just freaking sleep or do something lah. Today is getting more and more fucked up. I feel weird. I feel awkward being among pple. I hate this. I wanna die. BLAH LAH! Cb.

So im at Fid's house now and im just taking this chance to blog abit. Let's see. What should we blog about today? Hmmmm, i lost money playing cards just now and now im $4 poorer. Sobs to the max. Well, it was fun though. After that i had to do some microsoft words thingy for Fid and yeah. It was nice lah. But he was kinda bossy about it so it kinda spoilt my mood a lil. But wat the heck. that's just him, so i might as well get over it or die trying. =)

Alrightees. So lets see how was my day today. It started off pretty damn bad because i was fucking Pmsing and everything fell apart whenever i try to do something right. Everythingi wish goes right goes left. Fuck pms. fuck menstrual syndrome. Fuck me. Okay. So let's analyse why the fuck im so pissed off right now. Maybe it's bcos at the start of the day my mom gave me the cold shoulder. Or maybe its because my dad hasn't been talking to me since father's day. Or the fact that my brother isn't like my bro anymore. Or maybe it's bcos when i go to school the fucking facilitator had to be such a boring bitch once again. Or maybe when i wanted to eat i had no time after smoking. Or maybe it's cos farhan's been sucha bitch lately i wish he died of everything anyone can ever die of. Or maybe, just maybe! Bcos im stupid and dumb and i dunno why the fuck im pmsing.

The whole point of typing that down was just so i can type uber fast on my laptop and vent out all these frustrations. It's getting way overit's head and its affecting my day. Maybe Fid is right. Am i being petty? Is it me or does it seem like everyone doesn't seem to understand what the fuck im going thru right now. IM A FUCKING MOFO GIRL TOO! I GET TO PMS TOO DUN I?!?! I GET TO RANT ABOUT HOW UNFAIRLY TREATED I WAS TOO DUN I?!?!?! If farhan can whine about all his shit. Dun i have the damn right to whine about mine?!?!?! Fuck this Cb mofo crap lah. Damn tired of trying to act as if it doesnt bother me lah.

I know it affects Fid everytime i whine and rant about the past but come on! IF you love me, dun you have to accept me?!?! And my past is also part of who i am right now. It's just not me to just forget the whole past. I learn from the past. Is that wrong?!?!?! Fuck it lah. No fucking mood to blog anyway. I think Fid is kinda pissed off lah. What fuck. I really dun need that lah right now. Thanks ah... =)

Yeaps. I know i havent been updating for awhile now. Just that so many shit have been happening and i don't even have time to comprehend all of it. Why is my life mostly just like this? I think most of it is my fault lah. I kinda let myself get into this kinda situations unknowingly. Fuck if that's the way its suppose to be that so be it lah. Im damn pissed of right now. Mostly because i just read Farhan's blog. It pisses me off. Any ordinary girl who just gets to know him would think "Omg this guy is so dedicated to his past relationship. He's so sweet. Why is the girl being so mean to him?"

FUCK YOU! cos for fuck's sake that mother fucker hits me, plays me, betrays me, lies to me, fool around, makes me worried, uses my money, take advantage of me, cries almost everytime he can't get things straight, throw tantrums whenever and where ever, blames me for the things he cannot achieve, and is a mother fucking cb mofo son of a bitch! SO WTF IS HE TRYING TO DO!?!? Gaining sympathy from his mofo friends i believe. So uselss, so tactless. So obvious he would do that. His whole life is based on lies that would gain him sympathy. Take away pity, and sympathy from his world and he'll crumble and fall. I cant believe he done it again. Fake his way out of trouble. HE IS HAVING THE TIME OF HIS LIFE OUT THERE!! And in his blog and around his new friends he's talking about me saying i broke us up, i left him stranding in the vast ocean, i was mean cruel and everything he wish he could turn back. FARHAN!!! I WAS THE ONE DOING EVERYTHING TO TURN TIME BACK!! YOU JUST FUCKING SAT THERE LIKE A DOG! slutfaced mother fishcakes narden.

I got on with my life just fine without you Farhan, in fact it got that much better! without the worry without the tears without the paranoia. I had so much time for myself now instead of spending every minute trying to fix you and your screwed up piece of shit life. Everytime you screw up i have to clean up your mess and now i have so much less burden. DON'T GIVE ME THE CRAP saying that you will give me your blessings so long im happy. THAT'S ANOTHER FUCKING SYMPATHY VOTE YOU BASTARD!! You will never give anyone blessings other than pray for some yourself becos you're a self obsesses self centred chauvinist! And you don't have any blessings to give to start with. I don't need your blessings! So what if i have a new guy or if you have a new girl? None of our business anymore. "hoping the future would see us and not you and me." fuck you. The future existed y'know. UNTIL YOU CAME AND RUIN IT ALL!!

I think im having pms but fuck. Im just pissed and tired and i really need to rant. Im so sorry lah. And some smart alec chose the right time to prank call me lah. Who ever it is, thanks ah. It made me laugh abit lah. But nah, today's a bad day. I dun have the energy to go play along lah. And thanks for the prank caller also cos it only confirmed what i thought of myself. Haha... Bst. But i think i know who the prank caller is. It's an obvious voice. =)

Okays. So i guess that's about it lah. Lately i havent been spending much time at home. Just dun feel like cos alot of shit happened afew days ago. Politics banyak. Hate politics. Yeah. Oh! And im going to start working at Brussel sprouts soon. a restaurant bar. Quite a nice place and Fid and Kenneth and Jess is working there too so yeah. It's nice. =) Hopefully i dun screw up to obad on my first F&B job. Yeah. Damn fucking nervous about it lah. Soon babe. Soon ill be working and ill have less time to think about his nonsense. I just fucking wish he'll be fair lah. Stop going aroudn spreding fake stories about how it happened. Crazy mother fucking bastard.

aites aites. So yeah. I got another box of Raffeallo from Fid. Sucha a sweetass pootsies lah. Thanks ah. it's damn nice of him to surprise me lah. =) Very spontaneous. =) Wahahah. And he's really sucha baby for his age lah. Lol.. But cute. I loike~ Wahahaha... His family is really nice to me too. But shit still is happenening and i dunno why. Can someone stop time when im having fun? I feel like going drinking tonight but there's school tmr. I really feel like drinking and eating that PARMESAN CHEESE CROQUETTE at brussel sprouts. I want absolut and i want chivas. I want to get fucking drunk and i wanna slp til the dawn doesnt break. I think im going thru a tad bit of that whole stressed up thing again. Im losing my appetite. CB. Thanks ah for all those who tries their best to make my life a tad bit more difficult to go thru than it already is. Fuck lah. CB.

Note to self :
stop pitying myself.
Stop bothering about what farhan is doing bcos only idiots will believe his words.
Stop thinking about how he affected my life becos he affected nothing except his own
Try to concentrate on studies and work and rugby...... & ....
Take things easy, slowly and calmly.
Learn to express your feelings properly again.
Stop being mean to people who loves and cares for you.
Try to be an adult when shit happens.
Stop IR-ing.
Lessen the vulgarities.
Eat.

Hmmm, it's been long since i posted i think. Just a short post maybe. Im fucking tired today. Didnt sleep at all last night. Spend it with Fid and yeah. Hottness lah. Craps. I can't believe how hott it is... Crap. Ok. Suppose to leave it low profile and stuff so yeah. Colleagues. =)

So anyways, yeaps. It's getting more and more fucked up. Well, farhan finally has a blog so yeah. I can be updated on his life now. The only question is do i wanna be. I wanted to post a comment for him but something went wrong. Can't post. So i'll just friendster message him that damn comment. He requested for it anyways. So yeah. I'll just layan. I really dunno when he willr eturn me my money or even if he ever will. In his post he stated all the things he missed and cry over. Wow, it amazes me how he really can get that type of pity from his friends lah. I think his life is gonna be like this for a long long time. Everyone pitying him and not actually knowing that he's actuallyt the murderer not the victim. Oh wells.

He said i eagerly said i wanted to end out relastionship. everybody. If you have the time, go check out his-story-unfolds.blogspot.com ... Still that fucking emoshit lah. I mean he twist and turn the story til as if i broke us up. I was the only freaking one making the effort and he ran away. Now he says i gave it all up. Really farhan... Does your friend know how exactly you whacked me up in public? Does your friends know the things you do to me that they dunno of? I heard from my fren who saw you that day that you look perfectly happy and fine. Stop lying to everyone and urself that you're not. You know exactly how you ALWAYS self pity yourself. And that exactly what you're doing now. To gain pity. Your frens, BEST FRENS, the one that knows you for who you really are and seen everything in you. Cherish them farhan. Cos really. You didnt cherish our friendship. =) But no regrets dude. We make our mistakes. And im only sorry you didnt learn from it. Everything else, ill just tell you in the msg lah aites.

Ok. So im most proly gonna start working in the f&b line soon. Hopefully i dun cock it all up. And hopefully it runs smoothly. So many politics going on. Im still really grateful to Guna for what he did for me before he went into army. So yeah. But im really sorry cos alot of politics have been happening and he always calls at the wrong timings. Yeah. I just recently had a fight with my sibling and my father. On father's day. Fuck that shit lah. Im sick of explaining why im like this lah. Im just the way i am, if you dun like it, dun speak or be around with me. Simple as that. If my own family cant accept me for who i am, then i dun think its wrong for me to just keep to myself at home. Since that really seem to be the only situation to lessen friction. BLAH.

Aites. Things are getting abit more interesting and complicated too. Rugby training starting. Going to join blacks soon most probably. With my frens. And that hott babytootsies. I dunno lah. Maybe things are going way too fast for me to comprehend. I have been drinking lately and seriously, i think im getting addicted to it. It's fun just chilling with my mates and drinking with them. But its gonna burn a damn hole in my pocket lah. YEah. So we'll see lah how things goes. Aitees babies. Gtg. Bye.

Kelly clarkson - NEVER AGAIN

I hope the ring you gave to her
Turns her finger green
I hope when you’re in bed with her
you think of me
I would never wish bad things
But I don’t wish you well
Could you tell
By the flames that burned your words
I never read your letter
Cause I knew what you’d say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try make it all okay

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know you knew
exactly what you would do
And don’t say
You simply lost your way
She may believe you
But I never will
Never again

If she really knows the truth
She deserves you
A trophy wife
Oh, how cute
Ignorance is bliss
But when your day comes
And he’s through with you
And he’ll be through with you
You’ll die together, but alone
You wrote me in a letter
You couldn’t say it right to my face
Well, give me that Sunday school answer
Repent yourself away

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
bet it sucks
to see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know you knew
exactly what you would do
And don't say
You simply lost your way
They may believe you
But I never will
Never again

Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never
Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never!
Does it hurt
To know
I'll never be there
Bet it sucks
To see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
you knew exactly what you would do
And don’t say
You simply lost your way
They may believe you
But I never will
I Never Will
I never will
Never again

.....................................
Yeah. Speaks alot about how i feel for you now though farhan. But i really do wish him all the best. Im kinda ready to be friends with him again. I mean, i really did love him a hell lot and even after all the shit he done to me i cant help but still care about him. He's throwing his life away and none of his so-called friends and dumb girlfriends can see it. I know his way of lying like the back of my hand, and i dun blame them. they're prolly fooled by his "innocence" or they just dun care. Hmmm, whatever it is. I just know that his life, is a complete crap and a total mess without me around to be his manager. So who cares if he thinks whatever i wrote in the black notbook was a lie. Im my own judge. I do the talking. =)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alrightees then. OMG!!! HUGE FUCKING ANNOUNCEMENT LAH CB!!! GUNA BOUGHT ME A FUCKING PSP!!! MY FREAKING BIG SURPRISE!!! Like can you imagine what my reaction was? I thought he freaking bought me some mp3 or something. cos at least that isn't so expensive. BUT HE FUCKING BOUGHT ME A PSP!!! PSP DUDES AND DUDETTES!! PSP!!!! It's like so damn cool lah. REAL COOL CB!!! Like i was totally shocked and stunned and happy and weird and i felt totally wierd about it lah! I mean he's going to army and he buys me some big gift?? It's as if IM going to army. Haiyah... He's really just fucking sweet lah. How sia? I mean all i bought him was that favourite perfume of mine. And he got me a PSP and a white rose! I felt stupid lah. Adek would totally know how i feel. She's prolly laughing at how pathetic i feel now lah. Wahahahaha.. OI!!! THE SINCERITY WAS THERE MAH!!! Lol... ;)

Okok. I think im way too excited. It's really too expensive a gift for a person like me lah. I feel so bad and so un-deserving of such a gift. But he insisted i keep it. I dunno how to thank him enough lah. I still cannot comprehend that a guy just bought me a PSP willingly and didnt ask for anything back in return. He's really TOO NICE! too nice to be true in fact. I dunno how to describe this whole situation. I think it still hasnt really register yet. I suddenly got a PSP out of nowhere. Like WOW!!! Nobody ever did that for me except family members and adek, and maybe vgs.. I mean, really. It's too nice lah. Ami happy or sad or confused i dunno. It's really hard to tell. Right now i cant thik straight. Lotsa things are happening. Mind boggling really. Life is being a slut.

aites. So lets see what has happened recently. Went for rugby camp. 11th to 13th of june. IT WAS GREAT!!! GREATERIES I TELL YOU!!! Bonded very well with everyone. chose my eye candy and stuff. Everyone had fun lah. And we had good exposure to the game of tocuh rugby. It was very nice. Challenging for first timers but very very fun. The camp was awesome lah. Had a helluva great time there with everyone. And my mortal seriously rocks. Im so having moments of fantasy about my mortal lah. It's seriously weird cos that's so NOT ME! Gosh. what do i do seriously what do i do? Lol.... Camp was great lah. I made good friends with MIA SAEDAH and some others. VEry very nice people. The seniors weren't as bad as i thought they would turn out. At least some lah. Wahahaha.. =) Politics babe~ =)

Okays. Then after that Guna's steamboat "party". Was erm, filling? I think im losing appetite again. But im gaining alot of appetite for snacks. Like bad mandy BAD!!! Snack make me fat!! Lol... Yeah. Whatever lah. Okay. Watched Fantastic four2 with guna and his friends. Louis,jingda,eddy,celest. dunno how to spell their names. Yeah. Had a nice time hanging out with them. I talked abit of chinese here and there. And Eddy said i sounds weird speaking chinese. Haiyah. Dah biase lah. everyone thinks im so CHINESE TAK MENJADI. BUT IM CHINESE! Maybe im just different from those typical ones but im still chinese. MHD NOH CALLS ME CINA MINAH! LOLOL.....

I miss Adek alot suddenly. And vgs too. All my secondary school friends. Today i met up with Harris and Logen. actually they came to my house. We had a nice time having a Harry potter movie marathon. And harris was making lotsa lame jokes. And i was having fun time teasing him about his tapered jeans. Logen just kept eating at first. Then he got tired cos he ate too full i think. Wahahah... After awhile Danny, Iskandar and Parthiban joined us. And we Marathoned together. Parthiban and Iskandar kept spoiling the plot for Haris cos they kept telling him the result. Spoiler. Wahahaha. But it was fun lah. Iskandar and Danny had some fun with "my"PSP... Lol. Iskandar was making loadsa weird noises while playing tekken though. Like it sounded really wrong. "who's you daddy now huh bitch? errr~ yeah baby!"... and he kept making orgasm noises. Lol. Which made me laugh a whole lot cos it sounds funny. Lol....

So after that i had to fetch Bryan and then we headed to TPC and then we met Danny and Harris again. they were abit amused by Bryan lah. I think danny thinks Bryan is smart. Haha.. Bryan was being very entertaining until the end where he got very annoying. Lol... I never really did hang out with Danny before so it felt abit weird. But he's not so bad. He's quite the friendly dude actually. not that cold hearted cool guy i used to thought he was. Wahahaha. And yeah, parthiban feels a lil shy. Iskandar is just... Iskandar... ahaha. the rest i need not mention. Still the same ol nice great friends i used to hang out with. =)

So overall, i had fun during this holiday. It was great. Maybe except the fact that farhan has been a lil weird lately. Comeon lah. He knows himself he's completely over me. Yet he still wants to lie and pretend he wants me back. Gosh what rubbish. He knows that its incorrigible and he wants to pretend that none of what he did was wrong. He wanna pretend we can actually start afresh again. As if i would be so naive and stupid to believe his sweet NOTHINGS again. Balck notebook? Yesh i meant every word of it. But he should really asked himself if he meant every word he said in those letters he wrote to me. How could i be the only one working all this out? I didn't make it end this way. He did. And now he wanna step all jiwang with me and send me song lyrics and sad notes. Get a life lah. He knows how much he's enjoying his freedom now. Yet he doesnt know he's killing himself slowly. Haiyah. How and WHEN will he ever learn....? So crazy. So stupid. And so ... so totally him..... All the best lah dude.

Mmmmhmmm... So i guess that about summarises everything. Im still fucking lazy to upload those overdue pictures. I might one day. Or i might not. I think i will. I dunno lah!! Lol... =) Impromptu is the style~ Just bear with my nonsense aites? And ANONYMOUS! Yeah... You commented! thks so much. Lol. glad you cleaned up your room. I feel like you're hinting me to do so too. ARE YOU MY MOTHER?!?!?! MI!! ARE YOU MISS ANONYMOUS!?!?!?!? Wth. My room's a tragic mess and i think maybe my mum wants me to clean it up. Lol.... ANONYMOUS!! IF YOU'RE MY MUM!!! PLS!!! MY ROOM!!! IM AFRAID OF CLEAN UPS!! Lol... =)

gnite everyone. take care. Live life to the fullest aites? Cos im trying to live mine. =) Love is ard. You just gotta take it slow. Don't rush it. Learn to forgive, and forget. Life's easier that way. =) Gnite peeps. MUAX!

Wow. That was a pretty anger driven post. Hmmm, thanks moufie for the sweet sweet words. And anonymous... You really do sounds alot like you know me.. Im starting to want to guess who you are. But haha.. Once again im lazy to work my brain cells. Thanks though. For seconding my thoughts. =)

Well, i won't be posting the pictures today. Too lazy to do that too. hahaha... Well anyways, i was feeling a tad bit emo today while watching the tv just now. Some phrases in "One Tree Hill" sparked alot of my emotions. I mean, the show wasn't really to my liking. But those phrases meant alot. I kinda cried. Cos it's just sad. It's really sad. It made me think about Farhan alot. And it made me cry for the third time since we broke up.

I feel like i wanna use little words again. But i dunno if it's read-able. somehow deep inside, i wish it's read-able bcos i want to get how i feel known. Ahhh. gosh i dunno what in the blue moon im yappling about but yeah.. guess it's time for a whole chunk of little words again. Once again, if you guys actually read til the end, bless your soul, you really do care about me... =)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

what i said was right, i heard the exact thing come out of Oprah's mouth. She said "fix yourself, before you start to try to fix the things around you." I told that to him so many times. So many many times. Watching Oprah yesterday made me sad too. Because they were talking about a SPIRITUAL relationship and i realise how NOT SPIRITUAL me and farhan were when we were together. We never did help each other grow. It was always me trying to help him grow. Letting him learn more about himself and showing him how this fucked up world works. I was never a big part in the story. It was always "Syg, i've fallen, will you pick me up? Be my angel and help me to move on with life?" It was always "You're great. everytime im in trouble you will help me. I wish i could do the same." But he never did. He couldn't and didn't know how to help me. Whenever i have a problem, i have to solve his first then solve mine. In a way, i guess alot of my feelings were neglected just so his feelings can be pampered.

For the past 9-10 months. Everything started from a small scandal to big commitments. And i tried all i could to do everything that would make this imperfect relationship perfect. He was really that one mistake i didnt mind at all. Everyone told me that it wasn't meant to be. That thru out all his deceit and his anger i should just let him go. I knew, it was a mistake, but i held on. Simply because i couldnt just see him struggle and die while i lead my own damn life. He was part of my life. I wanted him in my life so bad i refused to see that he was taking control of my whole damn life. I always thought i was the one in control of his life and mine, but no, he was. He used me to bring himself up higher and higher. He didnt care much that i was drowning. So long he didn't. everything "will be fine..."... He just didn't know how NOT FINE i am.

I tried again and again to tell him that i need some air too. That i need pampering too. That im weak too. That sometimes i need a guardian angel to save me from my problems too. But he didn't take it to heart. He didn't think that it was serious enough to take note of. I cried, i whined, i rant, i stomp my feet. every possible way to let him know im flesh and blood to, i tried. But it didn't work. Is it my fault? Where di i go wrong? did i not give him enough freedom? did i not give him enough space? Ask around Farhan.. After all the shit you put me thru, how much freedom and space do you want?!?!!? How about me!??!!? where was my freddom where was my space!? All the things he wanted, it became my fault when he couldnt get it right. Alll the things i wanted, also became my fault because i wanted some things he couldn't give. My fault, for just wanting a normal, happy relationship. My fault!!! And im sick of it being my fault when i cant solve problems after problems. I wasn't put into this world just to solve your problems farhan. Time after time, he gave me more problems to solve, more disappointment, more heartbreaks. And i HAD TO live with it because "love means we gotta hold on to each other no matter what".... But hey!! Love doesnt mean i have no right to want what i want!! love doesnt mean that im suppose to go thru all the shit you throw at me and still treat you like you're god.

Everytime you put my hopes up so high. And then you drop it down and spit on it. Like i didnt matter at all. And the recent months just proved how wrong i was to have held on. My mum said "$200 is a cheap price to pay to get to know somebody's true colours.".. But she never knew it was more than just 200 bucks he took. He took my life away mi. He took so many things i wish i can have back. He took my heart away. He took the things i wish i have now to fight this battle away. He maimed my life mi. Is that a heavy enough price to cry for? To feel pain for? How come i got nothing i n return? How come because of his heart's desire i lost everything, and he gained everything? The only one mistake i made was loving him. And the only one thing i neeed to stop doing right now is to still have that same feeling for him. Why do i let these thoughts maim my life? Even after all these time i let him continue to ruin me. God, please, take a look at this situation!! Are you being fair to me!?!!? I didnt do anything wrong. I swear i didn't.

Why was i being beaten up by a man who claims he loves me? I may be fierce, i may be very fierce at times, buyt i never did lay a finger on anyone i love before. I never did hit him in anyway, Why in the WORLD would i wanna hit a man that i love? I should have known. I SHOULD HAVE!!! How could he hit me so many times and me still believe his words? His sweet sweet words that still haunts me til now. It has always been all talk no action. ALWAYS! Always "Im sorry. I didnt mean to do that. You're everything to me. How can i live without you? If you'd die i would die with you. You are all that i have." LIES!!! FARHAN!! LIES!!! and i foolishly believe all of them. Even if i didn't i forced myself to just bite thru the lies and just be there for you. My meaning of love was to be there for you at all times and when you're in trouble ill rescue you. And your meaning of love was to use me!?!? TO USE ME TO GET TO WHERE YOU ARE NOW!?!?!? Are you happy now farhan? Ar eyou satisfied? Seeing me maimed seeing me lose myself to your shitass craps!

Are you finally happy now? I hope you are. Cos after you're dead you'll pay for the sins you have done to me. And the sins you have done to me alone, is enough for you to burn in hell like how you've always been afraid of. Farhan, read back that book of sins. count how many of them have you committed and count how many of them you need to repent on. Because ever since you told me you want to repent and be a better person, i took it for real and i did everything i could to help stop the sins. even if me being the bad guy, i did all that. I did all that for you. because i loved you! How could you use that?!!? NEVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE have i felt so used, so mistreated, so misunderstood, so shitty. Thanks to you Farhan. everything you did for me, was NOTHING!!! What in the world did you give me other than pain, sadness, confusion, anger, and just that bit of love you showed me. everything you did had a motive. An ulterior motive. And i was so blind to that. I thought that if i just bite thru a few more of your shit you would grow up and just realise that you have to stop. But more became more and more and more became worse.

"everything i do, i do for you." , "beyound four letters" , "i thought that things were different this time around"...... Wake up farhan!! i thought so too! I thought you were going to be that perfect, boyfriend for me. We planned to stay with each other til forever. but it never did came huh? We planned so much, just for YOU to spoil it all. who can i blame farhan!?!? WHO?!?!!? I've tried blaming myself but it just doesnt feel right anymore. I can't figure out where i went wrong!?!!? Would anyone be so kind as to tell me where in the hell did i go wrong? And now i have no one else to blame except you. dun ANYONE dare give me the bullcrap that i dun have to blame anyone because i do!!! I finally realise i do!!! i cant be that noble bitch anymore. The one who pretends she's okay and pretends that whatever he did to her, she appreciates it because of all the things i do appreciate, I DON'T APPRECIATE SOMEONE TAKING MY HEART OUT AND STOMPING ON IT TIL ITS GONE TO PIECES AND THEN TELLING ME THAT I DESERVE BETTER!!! I don't appreciate someone who used me for his own gains and played me like a damn fool!! I dun appreciate being lied to and taken advantage of. And i dun appreciate you!!!! I DON'T FARHAN!!! All you brought me was pain and night after night of heartbreak and tears.

I gave up along time ago but you didnt allow me... WHY?! Bcos you havent gotten to where you wanna get to yet? Was that why you wouldnt just let me go? Because you havent used me enough yet? I gave up farhan!! but you forced me to stay and you knew that if i di, i would only work harder to try and fix things. As you lay there sit back and watch me crumble and die!!! You knew i wasn't a follower, you knew i always worked to be a leader and you used that!!! I gave it my all time and time again even after your vicious betrayals. AND ALL YOU GAVE TO THIS RELATIONOSHIP WERE PORBLEMS AFTER PROBLEMS!!! Why couldn't you just work for once? And just try to fix things between us? I felt so tired dragging both you and me up the slope. It was killing me and you knew it. But you decided to just enjoy your ride. Just let me be, so what if i end up dead? Where is the damn fucking love in THAT!??! Where the hell was the love you promised me time and time again? Where was the ACTION in the REACTION!!??!!? Where were you farhan? Where were you when i needed you all those times and where were you when i was struggling to help make us better?

I was never one good at expressing love physically, so i tried to do it the best way i can, in actions, not words. I did all i could. buy you things you wish you had. Make you things you think is nice. Bake you cakes, buy you cakes, feed you cake. What did i not do? I NEVER DID EAT THE CAKE! I saved the best for you and you saved none for me. Even when you were the biggest jerk ever, i told you that you were special. That with just a little work, things would work out. but you refused to just put in that little work. even when you treated me like dung i CARED!!! I CARED and i gave you everything you asked for. I started being more feminine. I even spoke like a girl on the phone so you can get pleasure out of teasing me about it een though i hated it! I cooked for you everyday just so you needn't spend money on food outside. I bought you food and drinks when we went out. I suggested other places to hang out other than ESPLANADE which was getting way stale. I bought you the phone you wanted just for you to throw it and break it. I put money in your wallet when you're borke bcos its never good for a man to be without cash. I bought you cigars when you said you wanted to try them in the past. I hugged you to sleep when you say you're afraid of the dark. I made miracles for you happened and forgo my own dreams just for you. WHERE THE HELL DID I GO WRONG?!!?! WHERE FARHAN WHERE?!!? Was i too rough? Was i too lazy? Was i too strong? Was i too fake? Was i too weird? what was i farhan? other than a toy for you? what was i?

I have so much more to whine about. But i guess. I'll do it another time. this cryig is bound to scare bryan so i better stop. I just wish, that my feelings are someway somehow heard, by the angel who might happen to read this(yeah as if!).... Ijust wanna live my own life again ok? without grieving over the past and letting his crap haunt me. I just wanna be okay. I just want to love. How wrong is that? Im sorry. I really am.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sigh. I guess that's it. Sucha long long post. Imagine if i put those words in normal size. It'll take up the whole damn page lah. Sigh. what can i do now, love? What do i do now? Help me. Cos seriously, this hurts. So bad i wish daddy's here to save me from this. But im too old to cry like this. Im too old to be a baby now. Fuck. I feel so lousy and weak. Bye.

Wells.. Let's see. Today i had to blow off somebody(sadly) to look after Bryan because my gramma is sick. at first i thought, okay, lets just stay home and rot our young asses off. But first thing i woke up to was Bryan's cute voice telling me he's hungry. So i woke up immediately and cooked him maggie which he requested for. After that i accompanied that little bugger to watch ALOT of television prgrammes and i fell asleep on the floor. Then i decided that maybe we should go out. You know? Sister and brother thing. So yeah. Bryan was super sweet to let me sleep 30mins more then i automatically woke up and went to get ready.

By the time we went out of the house it was about 3plus. We decided to go Cityhall as he wanted to play arcade at marina square. Once again it's TEKKEN 5. Who could resist such an offer. Haha. So yeah. We headed there. Was pretty damn bored. So we cam-whored quite a bit. Bryan wasnt feeling cranky today. So he did cam-whore with me. Which i find unusal cos he seldom likes to take pictures. anyways, we went to cityhall. cam-whored abit. Went to play aracde. Cam-whored somemore until Fateha and Mhd noh came to join us. So we asked Adek to come along too. So in the end, me and Bryan was joined by Fateha, Mhd noh and Adek.

It was pretty awesome. We had lotsa fun. Mhd noh taught Bryan how to play the guitar abit. So cute lah. Mhd noh does have a way with Bryan. Which is sucha plus point for any guy. i loveguys who can get along well with kids. It's just very very sweet. I mean i have pictures and videos to prove how well they got along. Bryan actually initiated a hug when taking a picture with mhd noh. So honoured that man. Lol.. So yeah. We took plenty of photos. Well, we went to Macs for dinner and had fun cam whoring there too. I ate a whole mac meal which is very good. Cos at least im eating quite alot now. growing fatter again. Gosh. Now i wish i have no appetite. How ironic. =)

So yeaps. We had lotsa fun today.too bad Jas couldnt join us. I used my brother's camera to do the cam-whoring. So yeah it turns out pretty darn good. On the way home. Me and Bryan did some SERIOUS cam whoring. We took a total about 200 pictures i think. It's crazy. We stopped at every point just to cam whore. And amazingly Bryan was very enthusiastic about it. I think he was amused by the word "cam-whore". He kept asking "jie, are we going to cam-whore again?" Lol. That cute lil mummy's boy. He really can get so cute and lovable at times. And really irritating at times too. Lol... He's so cute and chubby and i bite him alot today. his cheeks were victimised by my bites and Fateha's kisses. She couldnt keep her hands off my lil brother. First she thought my older brother was hott. Now she's head over heels "in love" with Bryan. I think she has a thing for my family members!! Wahaha!! She might wanna marry me soon!! Lol... Whoops!

Rightees.... So i guess that about sums up my whole day. Sleeping and slacking at home til mid noon. And then going out to hang out with my cute lil bro and my friends. Well, what can beat that?? =) Im overall very happy with today. Im very happy indeed. But not happy enough to stop me from thinking about him now. Im sorry. I dunno why.... =) Let the little words speak for itself. =)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sigh. this has got to stop. curiosity is killing me! I nee dto stop thinking about how he is doing and how he is going on with life. I have to thin about myself!!! I mean, i was doing great!! Until that SOb have to go send that dumb message on friendster. come on lah. What is wrong with him?!?!?! GOSH!!! Do i look like another SHAKIRA to him? another useless lame victim that he can use over and over again? Cant he just fucking return me my money and get out of my damn life! Making EVERYTHING so difficult for himself and me!! Selfish bastard. I bet he doesnt have the money to return me thats why he wanna use that to stall for time or something. Or maybe no other girl is willing to spend all the time and effort on him that i do, thats why he wants me back. Or maybe its just because he's pathetic and the only thing not pathetic in his life is me. And thats sad because im almost out of his life, entirely. Lol.... And that dude called me dead in the middle of the night, just to say hi its supoose to be our monthsary today. YEAH!! I KNOW!! STOP RUBBING IT IN YOU TOOTFACED MONSTER!!! Evil. His heart is filled with evilness. In fact it has evilness written all over it!!! Cant he just let things be. Hasnt he had enough of torturing me??? He hasnt have enough of seeing me crumble and fall again??? What the fuck. Im pissed and im confused and im feeling like shit. How in the hell can anyone be THAT cruel?? So evil, so selfish. so egoistic!! Gosh. After that fucking moment, the last time he whacked me up in woodlands, he pushed me and walked off. Not one appology. Not one single apology. Not even anything close to an apology. And he left. Yeah sure, he asked "so 9 months you wanna just throw it away like that?" WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS I SUPPOSE TO SAY TO A MAN WHO JUST PHYSICALLY ABUSE ME IN PUBLIC AND HUMILIATE ME SO MUCH!?!?!?! Say what ? " No baby!! I love you and even though you're sucha big fat jerk i will still love you and let you continue being a fucker to me!" ???? GOSH!!! GET REAL!!! I said "yeah".. And that was it. He walked off, and puched me, and then never contact me in anyway. I figured that was the end of us all. And i figured he neer did dare call to apologise because finaly he learnt something. His sorries doesnt mean anything anymore. And he knew it wouldnt help anyways so whats the point. Yeaps. But for christ sake!!! It would be appreciated for a man to at least apologise to the girl he so-called love for bashing her up in public!!! am i not flesh and blood?? Stupid asshole. Hwo dare he call me in the middle of the night and try and make all my feelings come back to him. Send me messages saying he wun give up because 9months cant be wasted just like that?!?!? FUCK YOU BITCH!!! YOU WASTED THE 9 MONTHS!! ALL I DID WAS TRY TO SALVAGE EVERYTHING!!! AND WITH YOUR STUPID ANGER AND YOUR OWN HANDS!!! YOU KILLED US!!! If i have had whcked you in public. If i have had embarrassed yu JUST A LIL BIT!!! You would get so angry at me.

DUDE!!! WAKE UP!!! YOU're abusive!!! You whack your own girlfriend up!?!?!? WAKE UP FARHAN!!! Who do you think can take that kinda shit??? The first time you whcked me i bled. YES FARHAN. You and i both know that the woodlands incident wasnt the first time you whacked me. do i look like a girl who would willingly let a guy hit her? Farhan, the only reason why i didnt retaliate in anyway, was because i didnt wanna embarrass myself further and i didnt wanna create a bigger scene then what you have already done. And plus i was way too weka physically and mentally to layan your nonsense. Stubborn piece of crap. If you would have listen to me and go to my house to settle the damn problem, maybe things could have been better. Maybe i could have gotten killed by you and didnt have to go thru all the shit you throw at me even afte rthe last time you whack me up. You're a serious bitch and you need to learn to appreciate what people do for you. Like seriously, you're so oblivious to the fact that the only person who tries to help you all the way is the only person you throw all your shit at. How can you be so cruel so naive so stupid? You still dare use the word love on me??? Would a man who loves me hit me till i bleed? So many times??? Would the man who loves me kill me the way he did!??!?! Woudl the man who loves me lie to me over and over again even though he knows i crumble to all those lies? Woudl the man who loves me be so cruel to me and leave me and disappear and then re-appear again suddenly?? Would a man who says he loves me do all this shit to me, and expect me to still be there donkey years later??

This is so fucked up. iwish he was right next to me so i can scream my lungs out at him. so i can whack him up. so i can show him the kinda shit he has given me for the past 10 months!! Tortures me, disappears, throw shit at me, screw me up, screw up my life, my family and my friends, then say he love me!!! YOU MOFO!!! YOU BIG FAT MOTHER FUCKING BITCING SON OF A GUN!!! What would it take to make you grow up and wake up from your fantasy world? Nobody is EVER gonna stick with you if you don't try to improve yourself!! You just wish you can sit back and see everything become a fairy tale right in front of you. YOU'RE DREAMING!!!! Even if i wish and hope that you and i would be together forever. It's just not gonna happen, and it cant!!! It's against every law in the world and it's just forbidden. You and i, though love is strong but it just cant work out. Yeah i admit i do miss you at times and i do still have feelings for you dumbhoe. But it's just frustrating because i shouldnt have!!! You have done me too many wrongs. Farhan, i bet you're trying to think of all the wrongs i have done too. If you can name as much as HALF the amount you have done wrongs to me. I bow down to you and say im sorry. Bcause all these months i've only been trying to be the best for you and do everything you wish i did. you were the unreasonable one. You were the liar. You were the manipulator. Master of disguise. Put on a mask every single day. Liar. Master of deceit. Devil in an angels disguise. Mother fucking asshole. All you have done for me!! Can you imagine how much i love you if YOU!! of all people you say you love me. Can you imagine how much i LOVED you??? How much i was committed to you??? Farhan, i never once did scandal on my own accord. and i never once did let you down on purpose knowing that it would definitely hurt you. In no way did i ever HURT YOU INTENTIONALLY!!!! YOU WERE YOUR WORSE NIGHTMARE AND I WAS BLAMED FOR EVERY OF YOUR MISTAKES!!!! It was like im your mother and i was blamed for not bringing you up right.

even when your mum asked me to leave you. DID I?!?!?! FARHAN DID I?!?!?!?!!? EVEN WHEN YOUR WHOLE FAMILY SEEMED TO BE AGAINST YOU!!! WHO WAS THE BITCH WHO STAYED BY YOUR SIDE AND GAVEYOU THE "WARMTH" YOU NEEDED?!?!? HO WAS THE ONE WHO FED YOU WHEN YOUR STOMACH WAS GRUBLING?!?! WHO GAVE UP HER OWN FOOD JUST TO FEED YOU!!?!?!?!? WHO GAVE UP FOOD JUST TO FULFILL YOUR CRAVING FOR MAXTUNE OF INIITIAL D OR TEKKEN!?!??!!? WHO WAS THE ONE WHO BRUGHT YOU PLACES AND TOLD YOU ABOUT THOSE WHO WERE BACKSTABBING YOU!?!??! WHO WAS THE ONE WHO STABBED YOU IN THE FRONT INSTEAD OF IN THE BACK LIKE WHAT YOUR "FRIENDS" WERE DOING!??!?! WHO INTRODUCED YOU TO JOBS AT SALES?? WHO HELPED YOU CLEAR ALL YOUR STUPID DEBTS?!?!!? WHO HELPED YOU PAY UP THE GENTING FEE ?!?!?! WHO SUPPORTED YOU IN EVERY WAY SHE COULD?!?!!? WHO PERSUADED YOU TO GO SCHOOL EVERYDAY SO YOU WOUld BE SOMEboDY SOMEDAY?!?!?! WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF IMPORTANT THINGS?!?!?!?! WHO SHOWED YOU HOW CRUEL LIFE IS?!?! WHO CRIED WITH YOU WHEN YOU WERE FEELING SO DOWN BECAUSE LIFE WAS BEING A BITCH TO YOU?!?!?! WHO WOULD NEGLECT ALL HER FREINDS AND FAMILY JUST TO SHOW YOU TENDER LOVING CARE?!?!!? WHO WOULD GO THRU ALL THE SCANDALS ALL THE SHITS AND STILL STICK WITH YOU!?!??! WHO FARHAN!?!?!?! WHO?!?!?!?!

ME!!! YOU BASTARD!!! ME!!! AND YOU THREW THAT ALL AWAY WITH ASINGLE BLOW!??!?! YOU THINK I DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE DOING ALOT OF THINGS BEHIND MY BACK!?!? YOU THINK I DIDNT KNOW ABOUT ALL THE THINGS YOU HGIDE FROM ME!?!?!?! THAT WAS WHAT BROKE US DOWN FARHAN!! YOUR LIES AND YOUR HIDDEN SECRETS!!! ALL YOU!!!! I NEVER LIED TO YOU IN ANYWAY> EVEN ABOUT GUNA OR EVEN ABOUT ANY OTHER GUY!!! I DIDNT LIE!!!! YOU!!!! YOU WERE THE BIG FUCKING LYING SON OF A BITCH!!! And in every single way and in every single day, the more i think about it, the more i learn how to hate you. after how much i love you, this is difficult. But it'll work... IT WIL!!!!! you'll see.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good night everyone.... Loves... =) I'll probably get down to posting the pictures on the next post. hopefully you guys enjoy this halfhappy half emo post first. Betcha the pictures are nice aites? Lol.... Great day everyone! enjoy your holidays/soon-to-be-holidays!! =)

P.S(I really hope i have the strength and determination to get through this. It seems to get harder and harder each day. Please, will anyone teach me? tell me how to just be strong and live my life now without worrying about making another grave mistake? I feel fucked up. Really effed up. (love)Life so suck right now. I hate myself. Inevitably, i have grown to self detest myself again. I hate what i've done to myself and the people around me. I hate the things revolving around me. I hate myself, now. And i wish tings would change, for the better. Fuck this crappy shit. I wish i died right now right here. tears seem to be welling up. Might fall anytime soon. HELP?? anyone?? )

Okays. these past couple of days have been a tad bit boring. let's see.... I watched Shrek three yesterday with Guna. and it was a very cute and nice show. Watched at Vivo. And he treated me to LJS too. Well, seems like my appetite is finnaly coming back. not used to it yet cos i havent been eating right for the past weeks. But i sure am glad im back to eating, ALOT! now... =) Oh yeah. So anyways, we watche dthe movie and Guna bought chips for me again. I reallly feel bad. he spent alot on me. And i don't really like people spending so much on me. And yeah. So after that we went to shop around Vivo and i showed him my FAVOURITE CHOCOLATES OF ALL TIMES!! Raffaello. And yeah. It was darn expensive. I couldnt afford it. So i got all angry at Guna for brining me to Candy Empire. So we head to Vivomart for a walk. And he told me he needed to use the phone so i waited at one corner for him. In the end, that pootsie went to BUY the chocolates for me!! I mean, i was REALLy surprised!! I had NO idea he was gonna get that for me. I didnt know whether to cry or to laugh. Haha. Finally i can have a taste of wonderfully made chocolate on my tongues again. I havent had that type of surprise from a guy for like, months..... =) sigh. Makes me think, yeah, it does.... =

So yeah. I wanna thank Guna for being such a sweet guy and all. Thanks alot. I know i havent really been very nice and all to him in the past and stuff. And i still dun think i am. I think he deserves something much more than "a girl who is recovering from a bad bad relationship and is not ready to open up to anyone yet" kinda girl. sigh. i dunno why he persist on spending wasted time with me. He only has 2 more weeks of freedom and he wants to spend some of it on a stupid girl like me. It kinda makes me feel guilty. Sigh.

I guess i dun like to make decisions now. I really don't want to. I don't want to be put in a situation like in the past, where i have to choose between doing the right thing and the wrong. BECAUSE!!! Most of the time i choose the wrong path to follow and i end up being a total ME again. I hate that! And i just dun wanna be put into anopther situation where i have to work, WORK, AND WORK!!! Im too tired and too fucked up to even think about having a committed relationship now. And i feel bad. I feel lousy becasuse its wrong to go out with Guna when i already know that im not ready. But he's just too nice. And sometimes i like his company. his quietness and shyness, been something i havent seen in a guy for quite awhile. sigh. I dunno if guna will read this but if he does. Please tell him to go find somone who is more ready for him. and thanks for being such a great guy. =)

Ok. enough for that thing already. so after that i went to farrer park to see the blacks play abit. And i played kite with my dad and Bryan while i was there. it was indeed very fun. If only i didnt hurt my finger maybe i could have joined the Blacks in their training. I feel kinda nervous. I heard that blacks are good. And im afraid ill lack behind. but yeah. there's always chance to improve right? And if i don't try, ill never know. =) Rugby is like Soccer to sollihin now. I need to get my butt down to do something if not ill just be lazing around at home emo-ing myself. so yeah. Im looking for a job. Anyone has job recommendations?? with a reasonable pay lah. =) Would appreciate some help in finding a job. THANKS!

So yeah. I've decided to put my life back into place. Im not living another person's life now. The sudden burst of freedom is weird. Feels so light suddenly. Like i got so much time on my hands i dunno what to do with. And sometimes late at night it gets difficult to sleep without worrying about anything at all. Suddenly just notthinking about anything is something to think about. Sigh. I have no idea what im blabbering about. In short, without him, it feels different. So weirdly odd. And just, very not used to it. But i just gotta bite thru it. what else is there for me to do??? What else?!!? Go crying back to a man who don't deserve the things i do for him? In shrek there is this one sentence that goes something like,

"Even if everyone else says you're a bad guy, it doesnt mean you have to agree with them. who you are ultimately depends on how you look at yourself. "

Sigh. If only Farhan knew that. he would have had more confidence in himself and maybe things would have been much better. He isn't anything like he think he is. In fact he's really quite a nice guy if you think about it. but he's easily influenced and he cant handle himself. He thinks he's shit just because everyone tells him he is. and i guess i really do hope he would grow up a lil more. and be a better man. Just like how he's trying his best to move on as Farhan, im trying my utmost best too. Friends and family, please dun judge me just yet. Not just yet. I'll be better kay? I'll try not to repeat my same mistakes anymore. Please, just show me your support. Im not asking for much. Be there for me, please. I need that alot..... and im sorry if i have hurt or disappoint anyone in my growing up process. =)

Ok. Who knew this post was going to be so emo!?!?!? I DIDN'T KNOW!!! Shites. Ok. So tomorrow is training number 2!!! Yay!! I get to meet Mia and gang again!! fucking awesome. Cant wait for rugby camp to start too!! It just feels fulfilling to my sudden emptiness. at least it half empty now. Not just EMPTY. =) G'day people. bless ya'all.... Be happy, as and when you can... =)