Sometimes a women's curiousity is the most dangerous thing. Not only to herself but to others as well. And me? I have the curiousity of 3 women. I just absolutely cannot live with being kept in the dark. I HAVE TO know the truth be it whether it hurts anot. And sometimes i hate myself for finding out. Hate myself for going out at all lengths just to find out something i know i will not like to know. Then when i do, i just get so god damn angry. Mostly at myself but then angry also at the fact that the other party gave me a reason to want to find out something.

ever felt like that? I don't like.... the past... that haunts..... I hate it... I wish i didnt have this curiousity. I wish i just live be with what i have. And be happy that What i have is so much better than what i HAD. Too late now isn't it, Mandy? Stupid bitch why did you have to go do what i just did.... grrrr..... I hate this feeling... Im selfish. I don't want no other to think about what i own!!! Like "in your wet-est dreams, babe...." .... Possesiveness, ladies and gentlemen, is another very very creepy thing to play around with..... comes along with jealousy..... Which in my case, can turn fatal in a split second..... I hate myself.... officially... RIGHT NOW!!!! Stoooooo-peeeeeed stupid me.......

Well, let's forget about that..... Anyways, my mother just told me that my grandfather isn't eating well and hasn't been himself lately... They reckon its because he misses my mama... Who can blame him... As an old couple each other was all they've got.... So i am going to visit him tomorow straight after school. I'm thinking of staying over. I havent done that in sooooooo long.. So so long i haven't spend the night at mama's house just because i felt like it..... Regret.... Cos now it's different... Ever wonder why i call my grandparents house my MAMA house instead of my YEYE's house? Cos my grandmother was the one that defines that house. She gave that house a life by itself..... she made it HER house..... And now she's gone... It feels empty without her. I miss her too.....

I have quite alot of pictures to upload. On my bday.. The genting trip... And a day out with kids.... So, i guess ill do it another time. I don't really have the mood to blog about pictures now. A fact of the past that i know i shouldnt be affected by is making me sulk my way thru class. I don't like..... to know.... that somebody once got the attention i have and want so much now..... But i know.. Which sucks..... It's nobody's fault.... I just cant handle it.... Im an idiot.. such an ass..... Kuku.....

Well, school started.... Couldnt be any worse. Every single facilitator i have bores the shit outta me. Nth new. I miss ANDY and all my year one faci(s) except AI NOI.... everything seemed so much better then, in school.... I WANTED to come to school. Because of the faci(s), because of Kenneth... Because of my classmates..... Now, school's becoming drag-gier and drag-gier.... I absolutely have no feelings what so ever to this school and to my class now anymore. I just want to get my stupid grade and then get outta here... I feel like im in prison... i don't wanna take this stupid course..... Stupid school... Dumb facilitators, classmates CLASSMATES instead of friends..... Everything is so surfaced... So NOT deep... So useless to me.... If only i didn't need to study....

Recently. I have been getting close to Vanessa. A colleague at my workplace... Talks with her enlightens me sometimes. And we realise how alike we are. And how we understand each other perfectly sometimes. Then again when i feel that i want to become close close friends with her.. I hold back. Those kinda friends you would be there every single minute with her just to reminiscence on old times. Those kinda friend that takes just one call for you to rush ove rto her side when she needs you. I hold back, because, it reminds me... very painfully, about Adek.

But then again, Vanessa is great. I tell her stuff about Allen all the time and she tells me stuff about Vert all the time. She's cool... But i still hold back. It's been awhile now, since i felt like i had a true friend... and it's been so long that i have a girlfriend to talk to.... I dunno how it feels anymore. I felt awkward, telling a girl about boys... talking about boys like they're so wonderfully weird creatures.... When i had nobody at a period of a time, i usually end up telling Allen everything. He probably knows me the best now.... Then came Vanessa.... But im afraid, to admit, that maybe just maybe, i want a girlfriend, who i can talk to, about boys.... I miss having friends.... I feel so alone.. Haha.. fuck emo lah sia... I mean i just miss my friends lah... Knn.....

HArris just msg-ed me yesterday while i was working. I hope he is okay. I apologise for the late reply but i was working and i only saw the msg during my break..., Well above all that i wish him all the best and hope he is alright.... =)

Sigh... time for me to go i guess... Still upset over what i found out and how i should have never TRIED to find out. Im truly, beyond all hope, a stoooo-peeeed idiot..... Bye...

turned out pretty well. Creepy if you ask me. But in a good way. He's willing to try new stuffs with me and i can't ask for anything more. He's an old man, witha young heart... =)

He likes to take picture of me in very ugly unglam ways. He takes pleasure in teasing me after that. Saying i look ugly and piggy. But just you wait.....

I have my ways to make him look stupid too. i have more in fact!!! But i think he won't like it if i publicly tease him about being ugly.. he'll prolly ask me to find someone more good-looking again... Haha....

That's all i guess.... Pistures... =) So here goes the emotional one... The story of how i lost my grandma. Sorry if its long and emo or wtv.... =

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My grandmother just passed away. The one that brought me up. Yes, im close to her and yes im deeply saddened by her death. But after so many talks by the boyf and so many "take it easy(s)" i guess i don't know how i feel about it anymore. I don't know how i should feel, so to say. Only now that she's gone, then the yearning for her to be back, alive and kicking, kicks in harder than before. I miss how she always forces me to eat all the junk she has in her house, even though 5 minutes earlier she was just calling me fat. I miss her laughing at all the lame things we do at her house when we got nth to do. My childhood days flash pass me the moment her death registered in my mind.

I saw her leave this world. Just in a couple of minutes she was gone. Just like that. It really didnt register. My mum, Allen, Bryan and I were there when she took her last breath. With a yelp, and a second of rolling of her eyes, she stopped breathing.... I called everyone back to her hospital as i hear my mother calling my mama at the top of her voice. I guess all of us thought that by calling her back, she would come back. She didn't... the nurses were notified, by me nervously. And then machines were brought in... Then they told us that it's time... They said that we were already told to be prepared. Now is the time she will go. And we watched as her heart beat slowed, and then flat lined.

My aunty broke down. I guess my mother and I were too shocked to start the water works because we were THERE! We saw how she went away. And it happened so quickly. We didnt really have time to do anything. And i was the one who noticed her abnormality in her breathing minutes before she passed on. Somehow, i feel as if i didnt want to be there at that time. I guess its not a nice sight to see someone pass away before you. Even though she died quite peacefully. I loved her and i saw her die before my own eyes. "I didnt know it will happen so fast" my aunty said as she cry her eyes out. My first encounter with death. Scared the hell outta me. She opened her eyes and rolled it up after she yell. She was sleeping, so soundly. When it happened... I had never felt that kind of fear before. That if i don't do something soon she's going to die. And i decided to be calm and tell the nurses and got busy with my phone calling every family member back to the hospital.

As the others were rushing down to the hospital, we kept calling her. My aunty has joined us then with my cousin. and we just kept calling her. Telling her to wait just awhile more till my grandpa comes. Just hold on. Asking her questions we know she cannot answer. "Are you there?" , "can you hear us?" , "ma........ " ..... I will never forget those moments. Then everything my aunty and grandpa told me hit me. Just previously they have told her to give up. to stop fighting on. Because if she fights on, nobody will win, given her body condition and her disease. It's a lose-lose situation. They told her to let go. everything will be okay. They told her that there is no more to worry about. To just, follow the flow. And that moment there, moments before her last breath, i felt it. I felt her give up. And it was the worse feeling ever. Because in the midst of the relieve you have that she has no more sufferings, you hate the fact that she's gone forever. No more nagging, no more laughter, no more scolding, no more telling me how much of a girl i am and how much of a lady i should be. I felt lost..

My tears rolled not because of how lost i felt. but because when i have no idea what to do and feel. I look around me and half the room is already filled with tears. So i followed suit. It was the easiest way to feel at that time and the easiest way to let it out, the feeling of lost-ness. I didnt need hugs at that time, i felt. I just needed someone to tell me what exactly to do and how exactly to feel. I saw my grandfather cry the first time in my life. And i saw him hold back the tears. So many many things, little things, that i will always remember that day. The day i lost my mama. Losing her is the same as leaving me grandma-less. No offense to my grandmother from my mother's side. But, this is the grandma that hold my hands across the roads. carry me up the horse ride, pick me up from kindergarten, buy me color paper and bread crumbs just so i can feed the pigeons. This is the grandma that licks the spoon before feeding my porridge, the one that scolds me when i talk to long on the phone and scare me with garang-guni(s) and policemen. The one that made cantonese a part of me. So tell me, how to feel..... if you say that i shouldnt be so sad.... if you say that i should let her go... And that she has gone to a better place. don't tell me things i already know. Tell me, how to feel..... because of all the things i know.... this is one thing up til now i don't.......

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Toodles....