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mandy-low @blogspot.com ♥
Wednesday, December 30, 2009

scarlett johanson is fucking hott. Fuck ill bang her ill marry her and ill fucking die if she ever agrees to do those things with me. Dammit. I need a woman.

Once again, we have been turning in circles. Around and around we keep turning and im really tired and im out of ideas. I've used up all that i have and im high and dry here... just waiting, hoping, feeling impatient. But still, its not so easy to give up. I have to make a decision, i had to be selfish. I really have no more patience and no more faith to give to this relationship. I want to be stupid and i want to be blinded by this love. But i am not. Im sorry. I want to believe that love can rule over anything in the world. That no matter what, love still wins all hands down. But after so many failed relationship, i know love is bullshit. When bad things happen, people USE love as an excuse to make it right. All in the name of LOVE. bull-fucking-shit. I wanna be naive and stupid and i wanna be that dumbass girl who waits for a man for years yearning for the love she wants but not fighting for it. But im sorry i cant do it. I cant accept a man who lies to me. I cant accept someone who tells me he's trying but not proving anything to me. I cant accept a man who doesnt know how to handle things on his own without screwing up. I dunno how to accept a guy who doesnt even know how to make me feel secure and loved.

Sometimes we take things for granted. We believe that we will have that thing forever/for a long time. So we don't go thinking much about it cos we think that no matter what, you'll always have that with you. IM NOT THAT PERSON. Not now at least, because now is the time i HAVE TO fight for what i want. Even if it hurts me, or if it hurts you, i have to do it. SO that even if i fail anyway, i know i did put in my best and try. If i accept your lies, and i accept those flaws you know you can do without, im not doing you a good deed. Im only accomodating what you know as "bad habits". A person who knows a friend is a murderer, and still protects the murderer and let him hide out at his place, is just as much a murderer as the REAL murderer. Im the only person that push you enough to make you do something. Only with a goal in life, you'll find yourself moving forwards.

Nothing is simple. When humans are involved, everything becomes so much more complicated. And you ask me for a simple life. Simple? You think being happy is simple? You fucking work hard for it. Some people die, not knowing how it truly feels to be happy. Life IS NEVER simple.

I just hate that you cant understand me and i cant accept you for who you are. Maybe its me. Maybe you just need to find a girl that can accpet all your flaws, even if it makes the relationship meaningless, maybe you need a woman who is willing to die for you and pretend like you're the perfect one even if you're not. Maybe you need someone who's dumb enuf to believe there's such a thing as a perfect boyf. I know that nothing's perfect. But the one thing we're capable of doing... is to do all that we can, to make it as close to perfect as we can. But i can't work alone. It takes two hands to clap. While ill trying so hrd here to create a sound. To make us work, you're justthere, telling me again and again that you're trying, but nothing's happening. Maybe its me. I cant see the improvement in you. But isn't it up to you to prove to me and make sure i fucking SEE that you're changing? SHOW ME. Not tell me.

Id on't know if you will read this. even if you do, i dunno if you have anything to say. Because in these past 2 years, i have always been the one talking. And im tired. For every one philosophy i have and try to make you understand, i have repeated about a thousand times. But still, you just TELL me you understand. But you stil continue with all your "Idunno why i did it", "im sorry i know it was wrong", "im stupid pls forgive me". Sometimes i feel stupid. Bcos i feel like i DO have the right to be pissed at you for fucking up. But once you say the "im stupid, i dunno how to make you happy"... I feel like, HOW THE FUCK CAN I BLAME A PERSON FOR NOT KNOWING? Even the muslims have a thing as "duno, is not wrong"... But you know, allen, YOU KNOW! you just dunno how to do it.

So its up to you now. You and i both know time is running out. And im not the most patient girl in the world. I will never forget you. And i believe you have left a huge imprint on my life. But i gotta do whats best for me, for you, and for us. If i continue to pretend everything is the way its supposed to be when its not. Then ill just be dragging everything and bringing us further down the quick sand. If till now you still believe that by doing nth, ill come back to you and start explaining things to you 1 by 1 slowly with love again. You're wrong. all the things i need and want from you, i have alr said to you.

Simple.

1) Do NOT lie to me
2) If you do something wrong, KNOW how to handle the situation and LEARN how to make me happy and feel better again.
3) Keep to your promises
4) Be frank, take the initiative
5) understand and know what makes me happy and what makes me not, and learn how to counter it.

Im not unreasonable. I cant give in in some tings. But in some, i cant. JUST DONT LIE TO ME. BE FRANK. FACE THE CONSEQUENCES! BE A MAN!! If you dare to do something wrong knowing its wrong.. the first step is to admit it. And admit before you get discovered.

Fuck. ive lost the mood to blog. my life is all over the place. And the fuckiest thing is. I cant stop giving a shit about it. I want to. I want to give up and just enjoy life, stop thinking so much. I cant. My life's fucked cos my mind's fucked. fucking deserve to die... =(

help?
Monday, December 07, 2009

It's scary to think this lyrics may just as well depict the story of our life too...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not meant to be - Theory of a Dead man


It's never enough to say I'm sorry
It's never enough to say I care
But I'm caught between what you
Wanted from me, and knowing
If I give that to you
I might just disappear

Nobody wins when everyone's losing
Oh, it's like
One step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I can't change your mind
Oh, it's like
Trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me and I,
I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be

It's never enough to say I love you
No it's never enough to say I try
It's hard to believe that there's
No way out for you and me
And it seems to be
The story of our life
Nobody wins when everyone's losing

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I can't change your mind, oh
It's like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want and it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
That maybe we're not meant to be
There's still time to turn this around
Should we be building this up
Instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
Maybe it's too late

It's like one step forward
And two steps back
No matter what I do
You're always mad and I
Can't change your mind, oh
It's like tryin to turn around
On a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me and I
I finally see
Baby we're not meant to be

I wish this post is going to be a happy one. But it's not. If i'm too emo for your style, im sorry.

WHAT IS A LIFE?

WHO IS THE QUEEN OF SELF-PITY?

The answer to the first question... I DON'T KNOW. To some, having a life might be time spent clubbing and going out spending lotsa money and shopping with their girlies and hanging out with their bros and chickiees.. To others, it might be staying home, playing DOTA, facebooking, blogging and watching tv and dowloading movies online. --->WHAT IS A LIFE TO ME? I also dunno.

Sometimes, i enjoy the quiet simple lifestyle of staying home, munching on junk food and just staring at the tv all day and sleeping right after that til the morning dust breezes off my skin. But, sometimes i look at those party go-ers, i see people walking along orchard road all dressed up ready to flaunt it.... Then i see myself, and i become the..... ----> QUEEN OF SELF-PITY, and maybe you can add on self-loathing to that.

I don't like that feeling but it keeps coming to me. I don't like feeling stupid and ugly, wishing i had more to offer the world but knowing that i got nth to give. I go to school after staying up late doing wtv stuff i wanna do. Then i head to work on some days, looking down from the double decker bus/mrt at those shoppers and people walking around, looking like they have not a fear in the world except "what to buy next?"/"where to go next?"/"who will go out with me next friday?"/"oooh... wednesdays... laaaaaadies night! what am i going to wear?"...... etc......

So then i ask myself what im doing this friday.... WORK.... Then i think again, i can cancel work and go have a life! great... But who will wanna have a life with me? Should i... Go club and spend moeny when im supposed to earn money?? Should i.... call out the girls and go shopping when i obviously do not enjoy shopping??? Should i... just stay home and sleep? =/ dilemma? Maybe.. So i decide to go to work.... Then when im at work i look at those happy customers. Pretty ladies in wonderful dresses that shows of the right parts of their bodies to make me wanna touch them in places i shouldn't even be thinking about touching, and men dressed up to impress these ladies... I think to myself, why can't i be like them? Why can't i be pretty and why can't i feel pretty and oooooooze with confidence? Why can't i wear high high heels and low cut dresses and tight fitting pants and sway my ass and get a waitress(me) to wanna touch me in places she shouldn't wanna touch? Yeah.. i don't think, seriously, DON'T THINK any waitress that has served me before wants to touch me in places they shouldn;t be thinking about touching.

Anyway, i think i shall end this post here. Just feeling not too good today... wondering what i should do with my life... I have the urge and the temptation to give in to the temptation of putting my whole life on hold...


On the other hand, today's problem is on PIE KIA. Seriously? Pie kia went to the other pie kia to get another pie kia so the other pie kia(s) ended up taking the toa pie kia and then got pie seh. Their argument got sio sio but in the end, like how all pie kia always settle their arguments they request to see the toa pie kia. IF not they will chin cai beat up all their pie kia(s) and then the entire chain franchises might ... end up in the hands of pie kia(s)... You know what would be the icing on the cake? the cherry on top of the banana split? The whip cream on top of a starbucks coffee? THAT THE STALLS selling the PIES are mended all by PIE KIA(S) with ANG KONGS and SPEAK PIE KIA LANGUAGE. fucking awesome. I'll have those... =) Who wants to get a pie kia from an auntie? seriously... Contradicts the effect...
Thursday, December 03, 2009

Hi guys. I dunno if anyone still reads this space but oh wells i boog cos i feel like it.

Anyway, im fucking sick. I dunno. I hate it. I don't get sick very often but once i do, i become realy REALLy sick. Maybe one of the factors is because i dun really like taking extra precautions just because im sick. In a very none medical form, i have sore throat, flu, cough, body ache, and a very badly burnt skin.

The burnt skin is because i went to melaka yesterday with Tang and Allen because they wanted to fish. And while i fished for only half the time there, the sun was so scorching hot and that it burnt my very delicate skin till it's probably well done by now.

It was a very bad idea to do that to my body. Because now im torturing. The pain is tormenting me. Well, maybe this is what hell will feel like. And i better be ready for hell because if whatever all the religion says about people who go to hell. I think im gonna be one of those people that fits the criteria to go to hell.

Anyway, enough about that. I have been doing basically nothing much these days. Trying to enjoy my youth by not giving a shit about those things that i should be giving a shit about. I've been skipping school quite abit just bcos i REALLY don't feel like going. I feel bad, and worried because i really need to complete my diploma or my years have been wasted.

Well, FYP is pretty screwed and as the leader, im pretty much quite clueless and i feel that this attitude of mine has cost the team to be quite demoralized as well. Im such a lousy leader. This year really hasn't shown my true form. Like how liverpool is this season, I'M SOOOO OFF FORM.... =( I keep losing my games... I need better management. (HAHA.. Since when do i talk about soccer??) I think Allen has got his wish of influencing me to want to be more interested in soccer.

Anyway, just some updates on my love life, if you give a shit about it. I've been okay with Allen. Some ups and downs. And still trying as hell to figure things out and make it easier for us to love each other. Still confused at times why im doing what i do. But i think, i really think i really like him and i really think i should try as hell to make things work. It keeps falling apart here and there and im very appreciative that he has the patience to go thorugh it with me. Welps! Yeaps. So that is it... Allen and I are doing OHs.. Not okay, but not NOT okay. So we're OHs... =)

And i keep missing my grandmother still. And now that the house is sold and from the looks of it, the new owner changed pretty much everything, i feel more fucked up thinking about how i should have and could have spend more time with her when she was alive. And i really want to see and touch her just one more time. At least just tallk to her you know, face to face. Tell her that i really love her and she's made a very huge impact on my life. That i really regret taking her for granted. Yea..

I dunno. Today, i feel like im going to die soon. So i wanna type everything i wanna say here before(just in case), i die... I'm sorry my blog is so sorrowful and sad and pathetic. I really am sorry for the readers if it upsets you reading it. I dunno how to be positive for now.

Anyway, recently i found out that im going crazy. That sometimes i feel scared. For no apparent reason. and when i see people around me smile and laugh i get scared because i want to be like that but i dunno how to. And i get scared cos my brain keeps telling me that whatever happiness i feel is just fake and it'll dissapear soon. I guess it's really in me, the logic that "good things never lasts". and i keep feeling worried and scared cos i fear of losing something i really want and love. So sometimes, i end up crying on the streets, or in the bus or while walking. And i realise i think too much. I think too much ALL THE TIME. And because of that i get more worried. cos i dunno why i think so much. And when i tell myself not to think so much, my other self tells me to stop pretending. that i get worried cos i dunno if i should stop thinking or continue thinking. That i start to think im going crazy, and i start to feel scared. Then i tell myself to be strong and to not disturb other people with my stupid STUPID problems. And then i cant, so i msg Allen or my mum telling them i feel stupid. Then they try to be nice and understanding so i try to explain to them that i dun even understand whats going on so they couldn't possibly understand. Then i feel stupid again because i dun understand why i tell them when i noe nobody understands. Then i get worried cos i dunno what will happen if i really go crazy. And im afraid to hurt the people that loves me. Then i keep thinking... And then i break down...

So yeah. That's about all the shit that happens most of the time for the past few months. I keep feeling like im pretending to be happy. even the slightest happiness i feel is real, it ends up going away because im so negative and stupid. So that's why im so sad and pathetic. And the only person who can help me is myself. But myself doesnt wanna help me. Cos im too confused and i really dun feel like doing anything. Im worse than a dying person. Cos i dun have the faith to fight to live. I only keep thinking of giving up. I dun see the point of thinking about how to live cos it never does go your way.

Think i gotta go get a rest now. Im feeling giddy. Sorry for the sad sad post. I wish everyone is happy with their lives. And hopefully soon i will be too..

EARLY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL...