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Thursday, August 30, 2007

Ok. on the 27th to the 30th was the days where i spend myself on the class chalet. It was great. I didn't get to drink as much as i thought i would. Didn't even get high. But what's the point of spending hours asleep and drunk when im suppose to spend these last few days together with them, as a class, as W45D. On the last night, we were all to say a few things about the class and to tell how much we appreciate each other. I cried that night. I wasn't the first, though. haha. I mean, W45D has really been part of me for the past 16 weeks. Making fucking funny jokes together, doing stupid things together, playing awfully old school games together. I mean, what kind of 16 weeks classmates let you be who you are and don't judge you? The best.

I remember once when i was still with Farhan. I was quarreling with him on the phone so i went out of class to scream and shout my ass off at him while i was sobbing heavily. I tried to hide my tears thinking that if my classmates see me cry they'll prolly judge me in ways i wish they didn't. But no. When class ended, a whole bunch of them came out. apparently i wasn't very good at hiding those tears. So they came out, surrounded me and all of them asked if i was okay. And they gave me tissues to wipe those ugly tears and mucus off. Isn't that just the sweetest? That was one of those moments when i felt as if even though some of us don't talk much outside of class. We care. everyone cares.

I remember the times when i get so stressed up i throw my temper in class. But all of them understood. And all of them forgave me. I remember teasing BoHao so much he almost cried. but he forgave, and he forgets. I rmb laughing at Farah touching her boobies. And them saying im the horniest girl they ever met. I remember thinking jess was an asshole at the start of school but now he's my best drinking buddy. I remember Kenneth. How he reminds me of my brother. And how i actually do care for him as a brother. Really. The resemblence in presence is uncanny. I remember so many things of W45D that i wish ill never forget. And i wish in the next semester, i will not resent the fact that im in RP. Just like when im in W45D. Not once did i hate being at school whenever i was with them.

Yes. It is terribly fucked up we have to chg class every sem. After bonding so much. My very first class in RP, i have to split away from. It's like losing one big family of friends. Yeah, sure we say we'll contact and go for lunch together. But all of us know it's going to be different. It's going to be god damn different and we cant get it back the same even if all of us wish it was. That was probably why we cried. And we're gonna miss one and other. The jokes, the shouting and screaming, the teasing, the sarcasm, the whole class against ai noi, ponteng-ing class and so much more. Gosh. I leftthat chalet wishing things wouldnt change too much. sigh.

But everything moves on. everything changes. I changed...! A whole lot! Learnt alot more from life and still kinda think life's a bitch. Learning to let go of the things i hate and to fight away difficult urges to do bad things. I think these little "tests" are getting to me. Sometimes i talk to myself and i find myself in deep thoughts. Im going to turn out to be a dremay person if this doesn't stop. I think i like the feeling of power. Ok. That's random. But i think so. I like being in control. That's prolly why sometimes i wish im leader. But sometimes that kinda stress fucks me up. That's why i back away. But gosh. I think i have an issue with power. Im ALWAYS against power, or authority maybe. But i always YEARN to be the one in power. The one in control. And when i get praised for doing a good job i just get high in my head. Sometimes over-confidence kills. But its alright i guess. So far, didn't get me into much of a trouble yet. =)

I alked to cindy last night and we both reminisce on the old sec school days. We use to be tight man. So close cos she was kinda the only one that understood me in 4e4. Nobody else actually knew me more than her. She helps me take out the books from the locker all the time and i just tolerate most of her anger most of the time. I remember once when it was my bday and she surprised me by putting chocs in the locker. And surprisingly that say she didnt take the books out for me so i had to do it myself. I was quite moved by it. I thought she was finally tired of doing things for me. And she chose to tell that to me on my bday. I though "how fucked up can THAT be?" Then i saw the card and the prresent and i swear i think my heart melted for a moment. She's just not that kinda person you know? She's always hard on the outside but soft on the inside with me. And when she did that on my bday i just realise she's like my mum. She loves me but she just does what she gotta do. That's why she always scolds me when i tell her about my scandals, and scolds me when i dun do work. She my mum at school. And a very naggy one at that. I remember always skipping dnt and going to art room just to crap and do abt nth with her. That's cool uh? Lol... =) Yeaps.

alright. I think it's enough jiwang-ness for the day. Im going to work later on at 6pm. don't really feel like working. Not cos im tired. But cos i just want a break. I dunno from what. I just dun feel like working today. Saturdays' gonna be fucked too. BLAH. I just wanna start saving big money soon. Somehow it keeps depleting. I wonder why. I have stopped drinking alot. And i dun spend much on rokoks. So yeah. WTF?!?!!? IS SOMEBODY STEALING MY MONEY!!!! HAhaha. Aite aite. Okok. I think i should really monitor my expenditure. Maybe i spend them all on food. hmmmm? I think so, seeing that I'VE BEEN GAINING A WHOLE LOAD OF WEIGHT!!! Dammit. Fuck fats.

OK. Think ill go grab a quick bite then go take a quick nap too. Before i gotta go get ready for work. fuck work. fuck my urges to eat and sleep. Cb. I think im going nuts. anyways, anonymous? Im doing okay i guess. Still that mandy i am when you see me, although i dunno who you are. You're prolly from my school somewhere. cos when school stops you say you havent seen me around. Dammit. You scare me sometimes. I thought you were a sec school friend!!! Ahahahaha. Forget it. You'll probably hate me for guessing who you are. Thats why you named yourself anonymous. Why don't you like your REAL NAME?!?!?! ARGHHH!!! Lol.. skidding.... =) I miss adek. I miss vgs, and harris, and loegn and ais and cindy and sookhan and my w45D. I misss them all and im still gonna miss them no matter what. So fuck missing people! AHHH! I want go now. BYE ALL!!! LOVE YOU!!!
Friday, August 17, 2007

So. It's been a bloody long time since i updated. So many many things happened. With Fid and everything else. It kinda sucks. And its only one week away before i lose my classmates too. all gonna split up and i think im gonna get emo over it. Bcos i love W45D..! I love them ALL! Even bo hao. Even Gantang. They're all part of this small little family that meets up every weekend and start playing games on the laptops and sleep.

I'll always remember my first class in polytechnic. In RP. How i first came in thinking i HATE this school. HATE coming to RP. But i started to grow and learn how to love my class. The only thing which kept me coming to school was my class. great faci(s), except AINOI. Great friends. Best drinking buds i've found so far. Jes, Rizza, Kenneth, Abraham. The five of us. Almost always together. smoking buds. Lively bunch of nuts.

Until recently i realise how much ill miss them all when i leave for next semester. How they would scream and shout while playing CS. While i use Theo's pillow and sleep, while having nice dreams, STILL as they're screaming their heads off. The "CB(s)" and the "AHHHH!" as they shoot each other and backstab each other in CS. The "wah lau(s)" and the "KANINA(s)!" The amusement they get seeing me wake up from my sleep and ask me how i can sleep in such conditions. And my answer would always be the same "I slept late." or "tired ah." or "hangover lah bro." And they would just say im ALWAYS like this. And kenneth would just give me that look. That makes me feel like i should stop sleeping late and stop getting hangovers.

Jes, the one that introduced me to more of the drinking world. If not mots of the time i would just be home now having shots by myself. Rizza, the one big sarcasm ass to me in class most of the time. And the one that starts the best debates with me. Kenneth, in a way, i treat him like a brother. I dunno why, he reminds me alot of wilson. And i like Tess too. Like hgow i like clarissa. Like wilson all over again. ?? My brother, wilson?!!? Wtf. Ok. Anyways, ABRAHAM! Haha. Dun always see him in school but recently he started coming to school again. Always that lost kid. Talks like he's got flu 24/7. sometimes he reminds me of Gantang, but in the more sane sense. And less blur. =) I fucking love my class. And i dun wanna split up. I dun wanna break up!!! =(( I want all of us to stay together. Cabot class together!! Go for late lunch and skip class together! Turn against AINOI together! Laugh at each other together. Tease bohao together. Make cool slideshows together. Make funny awesome videos together. Be sarcastic with each other together. Packet food to class and eat together. I want us to be together. all 24 of us. Rp is a mother fucking love breaker. =(

Sigh. OK. I guess alot of things really happened. I feel very changed now. Im becoming more of a alcoholic. And i dun even feel like smoking anymore. I get high so much of the time i dun remember feeling very very stressed. I guess thats why i drink. I dunno. But at least im working to spend that money. Instead of using pple's money. Sigh. It's a bad habit i want to stop soon though. I wanna save my first 1000 soon.

Im going drinking tonight again. To kinda celebrate Rizza's bday. Belated one. And then sunday im meeting a guy name Shyam. Discussing about a project he's doing that i might be able to work and earn some good money. Well, no high hopes. =) I dunno what im blogging about.

I just want to let everyone know. I regret alot of things. And recently i went out with clar. And i found out so many things about my family i never knew. Like how my brother knows about what farhan did. and he wants to whack the hell outta him. And how i know my father knows and would wanna whack him up too. And i realise that even though almost all the time i think wilson doesnt care. He does. He cares. and he IS protective of me as a brother, he just doesnt show it most of the time. And maybe he doesnt know how to, just like me. And i read back all the msgs my mum send me after she found out about fid that time. And i cried in the train while reading it. I made my parents feel like a failure. You will never get how that feeling is. The guilt, the regret. The shitty feeling to hear your mum say " I have failed. Failed to make you all happy." When you imagine your mum's face with tears rolling down and thinking she's a failure. When you KNOW!! YOU KNOW the failure is YOU! YOu guys will never understand how sucky it feels to do that to the only pple you love. And still not be able to do anything. Bcos you dunno what to do.

Im sorry for this emo post. But im sober. And im all alone at home. Im feeling emo. And alot of things i have kept inside while i was too busy getting high. And work didnt allow any of these motions out. In fact, fid made sure these emotions got worse. By acting like the typical jerk that he always is. And there was nothing i can do about it because i was too damn tired to deal with shitass crap like him being an ass to me at work cos TAK DAPAT ah. But fuck it. Im working for the money. Work is getting more and more fucked anyways. Cos they're losing part timers. They running out of staff and now the stress level is up there so high. and working at Bs is getting fuckier and fuckier as i work each day off. I just wanna work, for the money. fuck i find no enjoyment in working anymore. Bcos nobody's that friendly anymore. You get to see the politics now. And it sucks. when pple start banging doors with you right beside. And ignore your smiles. Start telling you, you cant dine here if you dun work. fuck this shit lah bias fucks. Fuck politics.

I miss Adek and some other pple. Before national day we met up. The whole of Vgs. I changed. I change alot. They didn't much. Adek did. I did. And that's all that's enough to hit me hard. everything's changed. everyone changed. and i dunno if i like it. But it runs thru my mind everytime im sober. Im still too young. Too young to start thinking these thoughts im thinking.

I think i need to get out of my house for awhile. I feel like shit. Why am i fucking crying i also duno. But if you would like to know. Those msgs i keep reading from my mum. Just hits hard. And then i remember how right she is. About Farhan, about Fid, about every other thing. And i always knew she's right. I always knew, but i just kept on doing the wrong things. And then i remember how my dad use to tell me, "You shoul dknow what to do, i dun wanna tell you wat to do bcos you're a big girl already. " But now im lost. Actually, im ALWAYs lost. I just act like i know it all. But im so scared. So scared i make the same stupid mistakes again. So scared that im actually not a big girl, that ill disappoint my parents again. That ill do something so stupid, so wrong again. I cant.

Fuck it. This post is getting way out of hand. I have no idea hwta im typing about. Im going out. BYE.
Monday, August 06, 2007

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here

So if you're asking me I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Don't be afraid

I've taking my beating
I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okays. I got this song lyrics from Harris website. And i wanna thank him ALL THE TIME for making feel emo like him whenever he posts such posts. I wanna talk to that dingdong head and i know there's alot for us to talk. Sometimes, time isn't on our side. And im afraid that for once, he is going to prove to me that time is running out. So i need to MAKE TIME! Cos harris is a friend i would drop school for a day for just to make sure thinsg work out. So, yeah. HARRIS! if you're reading this, fuck at least i still care. and alot of others still do, you should know that. =)

Aites. Today is Monday. Im tired, im slightly hanged over, im pmsing, and im cranky, yet im a tad bit hyper. It's so weird really. They call it Monday blues. I call it my monday rainbow. Cos im not just blue. = WTF! So anyways, yeaps. So many shits happening once again. And im becoming more of an alcoholic than i thought i was. Im stopping i am. Im trying. Really. Everyone's starting to notice it. If i dun stop anytime soon, im gonna get busted before i turn 18. So yeah. =) And im losing alot of faith in alot of things. How do you deal with losing faith? fuck faith.No offense to faith lovers.

Stupid shoes making my feet stink. Before this i had perfectly good smelling feet. Until i bought this $20 shoes at woodlands bcos i had no choice, my other shoes broke, so i bought it. It started to stink after my first few time of wearing it. And now this smell is permanently stuck to my feet and it stinks. I've been analysing this situation night over night. And i have tried just about everything. Soaking it. But then i realise the next day i have to wear that shoe back again bcos ther'es nth else to wear. RPSUCK! They dun teach you what to do when your feet stinks like mad dun they!?!?! I even tried spraying deoderant and perfume! I even tried washing it. It doesnt help. In fact, it smells worse after every attempt of trying to make it smell good. OMG! It's the attackj of the smelly shoes!!! I think i should try throwing it away. Maybe at night it would come back and haunt me. Then ill know that aliens are finally attacking Earth.

Haha. Merepek ah. Sry about that. Im bored in class. Somehow as the holidays are coming here. I refuse to do more work. I just wanna hang around with my frens. fun bunch of poeple. Thinks im nuts, but still laughs at me. I feel better when i put a smile on people's face. So i like them bunch of smelly pumpkins. =) Will definitely miss them next semester. Fuck the four/five musketteers are gonna get seperated. Sighs. Thats gonna suck like my great great great great grandparents toes. Shits.

FUCK FARHAN IS STILL NOT PAYING UP! FUCKING WUSS> IM GONNA SPRAY PAINT I SWEAR. ONE DAY WHEN IT ALL COMES DOWN TO ALL THAT, I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE! Cos then at least i show him what a matha fucking loser he is. Asshole. Note to self : make sure all evidence is deleted and eliminated after doing thos ethings. I will prolly delete this post too. In case CSI reads it and says i have intentions so ill be on the suspects lists. I cant afford missing school to go to the CSI head quarters. It'll affect my grades no? hahahah. PLus im afraid to go on television cos i've gained a whole lot of weight due to i dunno what. Prolly binging on snacks i think. Fuck diets. I wanna die of obesity. Im halfway there now. =) Hahahahah.

I think you guys already can tell that im cranky. Almost every paragraph is filled with words of different emotions. Im quite confuse now actually. WHAT INI THE WORLD AM I FEELING NOW?!!? I cant handle it, really. But im trying to. Which makes me look weirder on the outside. Like you know when you have to tahan your shit and you're having diarrhoae? And everyone ard you is like, the girl/guy you like, your boss, your teacher, and the OTHER girl/guy you like. You know that feels? Like you try to act all normal all but you know your anus is flaring like a dynamo.... hahaha. NO? lol

OKays. I think my jokes are getting way to stale. I need to brush up on my knock knocks. Lol. Knock knock! Who's there? BYE! BYe who? BYE BYE!

*How could you try so hard to make me love you, and when i do, you just choose to throw me aside. Be fair, BE FAIR TO ME! How can you choose fun over the thing you fought so hard to keep. Our love, our trying, our giving in(s), all now burn in hell. Gone to waste. Because of one simple choice you made. Thanks for lying to me. Thanks for being a jerk and putting all the blame on me. You didn't change much. So don't give me the crap that you will go bakc to your old self. There is no odl self. You're still the same old, new you. No difference, no chgs. No nothing big dude. No shits.*