This is me. Call me CRAZY.

Im so bored at home all day. There's absolutely nth interesting to do. Is studying considered interesting? Maybe it might be if i just get my butt down to study. Fishcakes. I hate it when i open the god damn book for 5 mins and stare at blank space. Then ill close the book and give up. Especially when it comes to chemistry and a maths. Fishcakes. Blek~

Aite. So, i've been wondering what kinda shit i've been thru lately and i realise i cant remember any. I think there's something wrong with my memories these days. Maybe shit happens so often that i somehow don't even bother remembering what happened. But i really try to remember sia. So at least i can learn from the past and make sure it doesn't happen again. But recently the only things i rmb is those that happened on the same day. If you asked me what happened yesterday i could only give you a brief recount on what happened. Cos i can't rmb all of it. It's so weird. Im kinda afraid its not as simple as it seems. What if im hiding my feelings again?

Ahhh... Fishcakes balls lah. Maybe im just happy. And this freaking alter ego of mine just refuse to believe that i can actually be happy. Im happy!!! I AM!!! My friendship with the VGs seem to be coming back and strengthening. I don't have problems at home. Im happy with what i have. No big shit happened. Not that i can rmb anyways. So i AM happy, im a happy lil' child aren't i??
I should believe that. I should have faith. Stop trying to think that there's something wrong when nth's wrong.

Ok. WTF did i just say just now?? It don't make no sense at all. WTF.... Lol.. Ok... Forget it. Let's talk about better topics. Hmmm, im bored... Lol.. Which part of im bored is a better topic????? Lol.. Sorry dudes... Im really just bored lah. There's nth to do. Everyone seem to be doing something. Except me. As in i think they're at leats doing something constructive. Like earning money or studying or anything. Im just plain doing nth. That's effed up. BLEAH~

Aite. I shall go rot in hell now. BUHBYE!!

Crap... It's been such a boring day...Went out for lunch with my Mom, Bryan, Wilson & Clarissa. Saw that bloody long line of chinese people lining up for that superstar crap. I was shocked that so many people in Singapore is trying to make it big in the media department. I made a joke with Wilson that maybe i should go join that shit and make a complete fool outta myself. But then again, my brother said that with his good looks, he'd prolly just walk up there and do some modelling shit and Voila~ The whole of Singapore would go gaga over him. I mean isn't it true?? Most Singaporeans just vote their idols for their looks. They get totally blinded even when their idol sings like a piece of crap. That's Singapore "IDOLS" for you...

I never really believed in chasing after idols. Or idol mania or whatsoever they call it. It's lame. Sorry if i offended anyone. But seriously, get a life!!! What's so nice about wasting 5bucks just to vote for your favourite superstar. In the end it's all just ten episodes of fame. They don't get anything in the end. Maybe one dumb CD and then people lose their likeness for him and go pursue other famous people. It's downright stupid. Ok. I admire their courage to chase their dreams. Im not putting down those people who join these contests. Most of them just wanna be famous and sing to their dreams. But im putting down those crazy fans who would do absolutely anything just to see their idols. Come on lah. They've only been on air for three episodes of Singapore idol or Superstar or wtv, HOW DEEP CAN YOUR LOVE FOR THEM BE?!?!?! You don't even know them personally for pete's sake!!! Live a lil'... Go drink some wine, make love to your lover. Why waste precious time!?!??

Ok. I think im too agitated over nothing at all.. Why should i care for people who waste their time away chasing fans? It's not like i treasure my time so much. I slack all day. Damn.. I should get a life too!! Lol.. Sigh....

Hmmm, there's not much going on in my life these days. Same ol' same ol'... Trying my very best to get down and do some studying.. But i think i've only managed a little... It's quite frightening really. I think if my friends count down isn't wrong, i only have about 70plus days to mug and do some shit to get my grades up. My grades ain't doing very well btw. Yes i passed almost all my subs. But it's not up to par yet. I still gotta find ways to bring it up. My english, maths and science. Screw chinese man. I give that up long time ago. No idea why im still retaking the damn paper. I guess another try doesn't harm nobody huh? =)

So...... I guess i missed the Airforce open house then. I have no idea where it is and even if i had, there's nobody to go with me. My dad went on a business trip to KL on friday and only just came back so i kinda missed the whiole Airforce thingy. PILOTS!!! I missed seeing PILOTS!! Those hott hunky pilot men struting around in their sleek uniform with their head held high. OH FREAKING MOTHER OF THE HOLY SHIT!!! Can't believe i missed all that hott action. Crap... Men in Uniforms never fail to brighten up my days. Oh wells, guess maybe they'll have a NAVY open house next and i might just as well go for it or die trying. But just for your informantion, if they have a police academy open house or whatever, count me out. I have never fancied policemen. No idea why. Maybe it's from influence or what. But they don't appeal to me like Army men does. Muahahah.. No offence to the police force though. ;)

Well, recently i've been told im more emotional when it comes to handling situations now. Im not so neutral like i used to be or so called understanding. I wonder what happened to me. Am i really becoming more guniang now? Isit part of growing up to becoming a real lady. I mean i've never really handled situations like i handle them recently before. Like so emotionally. Not only that i even throw tiny tantrums and try to win people over by being weak. I dunno if that's the right way to put it but gosh, oh gosh isit bugging me... I don't wanna be seen as weak. Never had, never will. And i don't wanna be so emotional. I want to be that old Mandy that people think can handle situations nicely and not get over my head. How come things can change without you knowing it? It happens so fast you cant even figure out a way to stop it. It's frustrating.

But something's in me has changed for the better too. I think!! I think i'm becoming stronger. Not like muscular strong but like spiritually strong or wtv they call it. I guess i'd learn how to depend on myself and not throw my emotions around. I don't care to depend on anyone to protect my feelings because the world out there don't protect anyone's feelings. they tell you as it is and they shove it up your face. So i guess in that way i'vce grown up. I don't depend on guys and i don't dream of having happy never-ending relationships. I used to be so god damn naive thinking if my brother and Clarissa can do it why can't i?

But evenyone's different and now i really get the true picture. I don't have to have a boyfriend to prove myself to anyone. Im perfectly happy just being single. I have so much more freedom and i can concentrate on things better. Having a boyfriend brings out all my weaknesses and makes me vulnerable. I can help people now. They have problems and i can help them now because i can help myself. When im in a relationship im so weak. So useless. Because i yearn for a fairytale ending and any sane human being would know fairytales are not true. And when i yearn for something i cannot get, i become useless. But it's different now. I don't yearn for fairytale boyfriends or guys who would present me surprises every week.

Because one, it's almost impossible for guys to be spontaneous these days. And two, it doesn't matter now if i have a boy friend anot. I have great friends and my family to be with me. And even though i don't really show them how much i appreciate them. I really do hold them close to my heart and appreciate them sticking with me thru thick and thin. So i wanna say thank you to those who stuck with me for so long, seen my ugly side, bear with my nonsense and woke me up when i was dreaming. Thanks. From the very bottom of my heart. =)

Aite. This post had been enjoyable for me. I really hope you guys enjoyed it too. Toodles babehs!