This is me. Call me CRAZY.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

HELLO THERE ... Been awhile and i have been a little more busy then usual. And also, Not feeling too well physically and psychologically.

Found this passage interesting.

No use for it though.

No.. Wait...

I can dedicate this to my family.

Makes sense. Im a bitch sometimes, at home.

Don't really know what to blog about. Im learning more at work. Im not confirmed, and a full time staff. Well, not the kind of first job i expect to have. But better than nothing. My boss is putting me in charge of more responsibilities now. Still hating the fact that i need to do USELESS co-calls... But im learning a little bit on HR management. So im still doing fine, FOR NOW.

Wish my Dad would find a hole for my to grow in his company. I mean, it'll be a tough decision and it'll cause a lot of issues. But, i believe if they give me a chance i can be better. And i may not be experienced and all. But im willing to learn and be better. Always wanted to be like my dad. And for at least the next 10 years, this is my only chance. I dont mind starting small.. Whatever pay they give me, will DEFINITELY be much more than the peanuts im getting now. FML.

Dont know why im so stupid. I need to learn how to reject people. Should have told them i was unhappy before my confirmation. Should be more daring to do stuff. Im fucking young but i feel like a fucking old hag. Working, for the sake of earning money and working. BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. I don't NEED money. I just WANT more. Why then? Am i stuck here? FUUUUUUUCK!!!

OKay. Let's put that aside for now. I have been eating a whole lot lately and i gained like 5-7kg. NO FUCKING JOKE. Im so fat now... And no.. Im not the kind of girls that go "OMG i so fat!" when im not. For those who know me, you already know i am NOT slim. Neither was i enormously huge. But now? Now im fucking fat. Fat fat fat!!

But then again, i dont seem to be giving a shit. My mind loses this battle. Very often this days, i tend to listen to my stomach. Maybe cos its closer to my heart and i used to listen to my heart. I eat, and eat, and eat... After breakfast i wat lunch. After lunch i eat dinner. After dinner i snack. I snack and eat chocolates and chips and i look for food that i can munch on.

Sigh... Crying made me slimmer. Grieving and mourning made me sad. MAde me a pathetic sad fag, but i ate little and i lost at least 5 kg after the break up. I failed everything else but i knew i was losing weight. And it made me felt like it was a purpose. Now i don't see any purpose. Im still feeling the pain from the break up. But, i eat more. I eat ALOT more. And i have no purpose.

I don't go out, my phone isnt my best friend anymore, I don't reply to msgs, I dont see the need to inititate any means of contact with anyone else other than my family, I sleep alot, I watch TV alot, I eat alot, I stop dating random guys, I stop being interested, I eat, I eat, I watch more TV, I watch movies, I joke with my family, I spend time with Bryan, I sleep, I work, I don't go out, I listen to Thai music, I don't cry anymore, I feel lost, I eat, I dont go out, I look at people, I eat, I interact with colleagues, I feel nothing, I feel lazy, I eat, I feel the need to eat, I don't drink alcohol anymore, I sleep, I don't reply to msgs, I pretend to be sleeping, I feel tired, I eat, I think a little bit about whats happening to me, I eat......

Well, ass you can see.. Nothing's up in my life. I try though. Once in awhile, to msg some people that mean something to me. And just that day i msged Tang. And he ask me to give Allen a call. I hesitated. Thought about it... Hesitated some more... Thought more about it. Then i fell asleep thinking its a stupid idea.

My circle of friends can be counted with less than those fingers on my two hands. My CIRCLE of friends, guys. Im talking even about those that you meet once in awhile. I feel like having too many people around me isnt what i want anymore. I don't feel happy when anyone tells me im awesome anymore. And the more i interact, the more i'll ruin my awesome image that tookme years to build up. Im not who i used to be. Im not sociable anymore, im not full of happiness and jokes anymore. Im boring. Plain, ol' boring me...

I cant think of jokes and topics to talk about in real life anymore. I have become the one that listens and laugh at other people's jokes. I have nothing awesome to say anymore. And no, im not sad and self-pitying and undermining myself. I know myself best. And i dont pity myself. I deserve this. I kind of like feeling like this. I don't have to live up to the rep anymore. I dont really care if im not awesome anymore. Even though i don't like feeling like people is judging me and looking at me like im no longer the same good mandy i was. I really dont care.

I feel clean.

And thanks to those who still stand by me. Even when im not who you think i should be or who i used to be. Thanks for remembering and holding on to the excuse that im just going through a rough patch. I've changed guys. I feel it eating up my insides. For the past 3 months i feel like my inerds are all transformimg. I feel my mind and thought changing. I see my body language and the words i speak morphed into something so alien. Maybe im wrong. Maybe in no time, ill become happy and awesome again. Out there to spread love and laughter. But dont see any light here. I dont see any hope in that hope.

Just wanna cuddle with my love ones in this dark hole i dug myself in. Not all my loved ones will willingly come cuddle with me in this deep dark hole. But i know, my family will. Whether they know they're in this hole with me, i dont know. But im grateful for them. For the rest of the people i love. The handful of friends that stood by me and i, in turn WANT to stand by them, its kinda up to you if im enough of a friend to stick with me. =\

One of these people, my close friend ask me not to let him down that day. With a bunch of other stuff he told me. I said "I'll try" Then i thought about it and couldnt figure out. How then? Will i not dissapoint him? How then? Will i disappoint him? Whats the defnition of letting him down? Then i brushed it off and knew that it doesnt matter. We'll take it each step at a time. =) Cos i may have changed. But when my people needs me. I can become awesome. I can become more than awesome. =)

Talking too much now. BYE.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Just watched the best thai romance show i've ever watched. Okay. I don't know. It's a nice show. A different kind of plot. Unique. And daringly, about GAY love. About two REALY REALLY REAAAALLY hott guys. Grew up together. Found each other after years apart, and realise that they are both gay and have strong feelings for each other. Made me smile, made me tear and made me wanna go thailand and get myself a hott thai boyf. LOL. Well, this plan should be fine if i save up enough b the end of this year. Thailand. HERE I COME!

The songs in the show is really good and meaningful too. You guys should watch it. THE LOVE OF SIAM. I think its already quite a popular show without me talking about it. It's good. And maybe its really good cos the two guys, Mario Maurer and Pchy(Witwisit Hiranyawongkul). =D These two guys makes my heart flutter alll over Singapore and trying to escape to Thailand. LOL.

This is Witwisit.

If he was my boyfriend,

I'll die happy... =)

This is Mario.

IF he was my boyfriend?

I believed i have already died and gone to heaven.

Too fucking good to be true. Too fucking good.

*shakes head* *gets wet*

HAHA. You have no idea how much in love i am. I wanna watch the show over and over again. And i want a gay love that is just as sweet. LOL. Actually i just want any kind of love. There's a line in the movie that went something like "Can anyone, ever love a person, without having the fear of losing them?"

Well, go suck balls. Im gonna fantasize about them and they won get lost unless i want them to. LOL. OKay im exaggerating here. Im not those googoogaga ind of girl. But well, they make me wanna be. That's all i can say. NExt up are the songs from the show translated into english. =) More than just the loks of the show. The songs are super too! =)

There's definitely more songs. But these are the ones i really like and found. SO yeah. I wanna go Thai disco soon. Even though its far from romantic. LOL. It's a little piece of thailand i can enjoy before going to thailand and have a whole load of romantic overseas adventure. LOL. =) I have plans ;)

I WANNA LEARN HOW TO SPEAK THAI! LOL. This show makes me feel bad about all the times i have laughed at thai people speaking english. Thai is awesome. The way they speak? LOL. Can get into my pants like *snap fingers* ..... Hahaaaaaaaaaa....... ;)

I'm off....

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Boy oh boy. I intended to blog. Im sorry. But i was too caught up reading creepy things from creepypasta.tumblr.com

Trust me. Gave ME the creeps. If you wanna go and read. Please. Dont be alone, or in a dark room with creepy corners and near dark windows. Dun be opposite a mirror. Its creepy. Really. Im gonna have trouble sleepy tonight. =(

I'll post some stuff from there soon. And i got new pictures and stuff. =)

Im gonna knock off soon. Today... was totally unproductive. I have nothing to be proud of... =(

FML.

To drink? Or not to drink? Drunk? Or not to drunk?

Monday, July 19, 2010

Read Logen's blog and reminded me of the kind of crush im having... LOL. This is HILARIOUS! I feel like a teenage girl again. All the CRAP with admiring and looking longingly and feeling all clamped up. NOT COOL... Haha. I should stop talking about it. Lest it becomes super obvious. And trust me, this feelings should never go anywhere near obvious. Consequences are HUUUU-fuckin'-MONGOUS. Cant seem to get the thoughts outta my head. I need another distraction. =)

Hmmm, I'm gonna put up some pictures from my exhibition last month. So you know how my colleagues look like and how my working thingy is. =) HAHA.

This is the kind of racks my company manufactures and sells.

This is made for exhibition use only. Usually it has doors and such and is used to store servers.

Also known as Server Racks or Equipment Racks.

From left: Vincent (Sales Director of partnering company that manufactures and sells PDUs)

George (Also known as my Managing Director)

Alphonsus (Also known as UNCLE, my Sales Manager, BDM)

My two relatively new sales colleagues.

From left: Tom, David

Very friendly and helpful. Always looking out for me. =)

From left: Fennelle (MD's Cousin)

Michelle (Accounts person)

From left: Mr Sun Bin Yong (Engineer)

Kannan a.k.a Superman (Engineer)

The rest i have already introduced.

The lot of us. Not inclusive of many others who were not around at the exhibition on that day.

3rd from left is Selvam a.k.a MAMA

4th from right is Ah Leng, our helpful friendly production supervisor.

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So, YESsssss... Now you know the people i work with and who they roughly are. Awesome? Go think again. HAHA! Credits to those who are nice to me thats keeping me here. =)

Hmmmmm, lets see what else i have to blog about, that is happy...? =)

OH - OH!! MY HAIR IS GROWING!! Not as quickly as i hoped. But it is. I soooooo missssss my long fucking hair. Dont know. Made me feel prettier. LOL. Short hair makes me feel rebellious and butchy and wanting to get into fights all the time. And not bothering to look good. LOL. I cant pull off short hair. STUPID. =(

HAKUNA MATATA PEOPLE!! HAKUNA THE MATATA!! =)

You know what? Im going to watch Lion King all over again.. =) LOL.. I dont know. I need something. Somethings missing and till i figure out what is it that im missing or forgetting. I will, watch plenty of movies and do happy things. =)

Prolly need some alcohol in my system. LOL. No worries. On wednesday, its drinking session with colleagues. Im thinking, AWESOME!! =D Happy happy shit.

Friday, July 16, 2010

I CANNOT BELIEVE MYSELF!!! OH MY FUCKING FUCKED UP .... Fuck.. Guess what? I.... forgot.... to... zip... up... my... skirt... And!! To make things worse. I went around my workplace with my unzipped skirt that was showing my underwear and my behind for at least 2.5 hours!! Until my sales colleague decide to tell me this ultimate HAHA moment. I am on the one hand, GRATEFUL. But also... FUCKING EMBARRASSED!! I really dont know how to react. Plus im wearing super UNSEXY underwear today. GREAT! How come it couldnt be my bra showing? At least it's embarrassing but totally sexier than my brown colour underwear right? CRAP. Seriously. Plus the main point is i dont know WHO saw it. So now? Every fucking guy that smiles any type of smile, im paranoid. Like "are they laughing about me?" =( FML ... Seriously... I so need a ~~girl friend~~ freak out session now. LOLOL!!!! Fuck. Just on the day i forgot to bring my jacket(which would have covered the unzipped part!)... And wearing a very unsexy underwear. =( Might as well unzip it the whole day. Cos right now im so paranoid im convinced that EVERYONE has seen my super unsexy underwear. =( STUID SKIRTS. STUPID BRAIN THAT FORGETS. STUPID EVERYTHING. WHO INVENTED ZIPS!! FUCK ZIPS!

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OKAAAAY... So besides that. =) Work is getting a LITTLE more interesting. Maybe cos i've been given more jobs to do. So im a LITTLE glad-er... HAHA.

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And.... I think... I have a ~~crush~~. LOL. But its stupid. REALLY. Trust me. These crushes? Are like secondary school crushes. And. I miss secondary school. And i believe. These feelings.. are entirely.. BECAUSE.. Im in need of some kind of feelings for people other than my family. A girl needs to have crushes. LOL. And i think.. I like him cos... I just wish i was back in secondary school. When things werent so, emotionless. Where i was full of spirits and READY for love. READY for war. READY to fight. Now, im just.. i dunno what im just.. But im just whatever... =\ So yeah. THIS SECTION OF MY POST IS STUPID.

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I have YET to send Azim the photos of Graduation. =( My work computer doesnt have these photos and i have to go home and do it. BUT! I always forgot when im home. Cos all i think about is my bed. And stuff... =\ LOL. Im sorry Azim. I will do it by this week. IF not, im sorry again! =\ Sorry ZimboBimbo.

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I HAVE WATCHED ALMOST THE ENTIRE SEASON 6 OF GREYS ANATOMY and SEASON 1 OF PARENTHOOD. THANKS TO MEGAVIDEO AND SOME OTHER WEBSITES. =) AWESOME. I AM A HAPPY PERSON NOW. HATE TO ADMIT IT. BUT I THINK I'LL GO WATCH GLEE SOON. =)

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SO HERE are SOME super DUPER pictures. =) ENJOY

My NINJA NAME : RINKATOTEFU

I wonder how to pronounce it.

REENKAH-TOHTEHFOO!

RAIN CAR TO THE FOOL!!

HIGH FIVE YOU, BITCH!

YES IT WAS

THE "WONDERS" OF INTERNET MEDIA WHEN IT COMES TO COMFORTING WORDS

LQTM

HAPPY. HAPPINESS. LIFE.

AND THATS!!! The ultimate truth...

YOU'RE A REALLY BIG WHORE...!

This is the world.

This is why all sorts of god and lord and kings and powerful people.

Should vote and do something.

To eliminate this earth.

Humans were a mistake.

True story.

CHECKED!!

Now you know... =)

I would like to see his reaction when he sees his penis.

For the first time since it was.. erm... grown.. lol..

Does that answer your question to why our BOSS are who they are? =)

Im sorry if some pictures have been posted before. Cant remember which i have and which i have not. I need a system GODDAMMIT. =(

OKAYS. BLOG AGAIN SOON!!

[EDIT]

OMG! Mark Salling is more than just a pretty face. =)

Okay. He's not pretty. He's rugged and awesome.

He's HOTT! And talented. =) Sweet maybe. lol.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

DESPICABLE ME!!!

LOL.. THEY ARE THE CUTEST MOST HILARIOUS THINGS!! MINIONS!! =) LOL

LOL AGNES!!! =) B-E-A-U-TIFUL !! She is sooo cute im gonna die!!

I WANT TO WATCH DESPICABLE ME AGAIN!! =D LOL!

And i cant wait to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

And Grey's Anatomy!

Fuck my life has come down to nothing but watching shows and movies and ... well...

Guess im happier this way. =) Something to keep my mind occupied. Cute happy stuff. HAHA.

Promised Azim i would send him the Graduation photos by this week. So i'd better. =\

Monday, July 12, 2010

I need to watch Grey's anatomy Season 6.. I need to watch it so badly i will pay anyone who gives me the whole season of GREY'S ANATOMY. I want easy access like just plug and play kind of shit. Im so sick of watching these stupid shows on megavideo.. Which by the way, doesnt even let me finish watching the show. =( I hate this. And out of curiosity i watched the first half of the last episode of Greys.. And it was soooo exciting!!! BUT i didnt know what was going on!! Wow. There REALLY are sooo many twists in that show. =( I NEED TO WATCH GREYS SEASON SIX!! ~~I'll consider being slave to the person who lets me watch it, without having to go through so many means to watch the fucking show.~~

Oh. And i watched most of PARENTHOOD too. Which is, also, a fucking awesome series. Really brings out the happy and sad and angry and irritating moments of being in a family. A family that is not perfect at all. But ultimately still has each other's back. And yeap. I dont know. I feel a kind of connection with that show. Makes me wonder how having my own family would be like. I mean, like me being the mum. Not the rebellious young fuck with problems all over the place. So yeap. =\

Greys Anatomy.. AND ... Parenthood. I... NEED...!!! PLEASE!!!! Help me. I dont ask for much.. =( LOL...

OH... and its Bryans birthday today. I went with my family to US yesterday. US = Universal Studios. Nothing to shout about. Couldnt take a lot of rides. After queueing for abou an hour the most exciting ride available broke down. SO yeah. Spend 70 over bucks per person for lame ass rides. Except the MUMMY ride. Which was fun. =) But thats about it. Bryan was being a brat too so there were ups and downs. But after all, a good experience. I hope Bryan enjoyed it. Was dead beat SHAGGED after that. Went home, SLEEP..!! =)

2 days ago was Aryani's bday. And i couldnt celebrate it with her due to other priorities. So i feel bad and im sorry. But yeah. Her bday can be any other day with us. =) OOOH... On the other hand. Fateha has been given the green light to drive her family car!! That is GOOOD!!!! LOL. So we went Simpang Bedok to eat the other day. Yummy steak that i havent had in so long. And chickeny stuff. =)

So tonight is THE MASK RESTAURANT for my family and I. A sort of birthday dinner for Bryan. Plus i promise that ill bring them there to eat. =) Another hole in my pocket. Hope it'll be a small hole though. =(

What else do i have to update.... ?? OH YEAH. My plan is to save about 4000bucks by mid next year. So that. I can bring Bryan to Australia. During the June holidays preferably, cos i want him to experience really cold weather. So 4k is just about enough to cover that.. If i scringe and save and dont over spend at Australia. $4K should be just nice. =) Sigh. Money money money. What would we be without the desperate need for money? We'll be sooo rich... So fucking rich. Rich without money. =( Maybe im just saying that cos im poor. =( Okay fine, im not poor. Just not rich enough. Who is? Who's ever RICH ENOUGH? =\

OH how... Oh how?? Do i save up so much money!!! =( And after that trip. I have to start saving ALL over again. =( These thoughts... KILLS ME.. =(

So yeap. Living it a day at a time. Trying to ... be happy. =) Pictures and all next time.. !! =)

Friday, July 09, 2010

SONGS TODAY..

This song gets me all emo-ed up all the time. =\
Sometimes i find that i like being emo.
I like that sad pathetic feeling it gives me.
and i dont think im the only one.
Im just one of the few who will admit that yes.
Im in love with self-pity. Im in love with sadness and negative thoughts.
I like feeling like i just want to die.
Cos then every other thing just doesnt matter anymore...

Like the song sings "Im just a sad song"

Nice song. Nice lyrics. Very... meaningful...
They're a really nice band.

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I asked 2 of my friends yesterday.
"Am i nice?"
"Am i TOO nice?"

Surprisingly, i dunno if they were just being nice or what.
But, they said yes to both question.
Too nice... I do not like being nice.
I wanna be the tough fuck i portray myself to be.
I want to be fierce and unfriendly and mean. ~~SCARY~~.
Actually NO.
I just dont want to be too nice...
I hate being too nice. Especially when PEOPLE know that i am...
TOO NICE!

Am i too nice?
If you got time and you give a shit.
Go tag at my blog.
I accept mean comments about me too.

Example "YOU'RE FUCKING MEAN! STOP KIDDING YOURSELF!!"
Or...
"WTF! HOW CAN YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE YOU'RE TOO NICE? YOU'RE A FREAK!!"

ALLCOMMENTSACCEPTED... =)

BYE SUCKEEERRRSS.... Fierce right? wahhahaha.
CB.. Im so fucking fierce... IM NOT TOO NICE!! =(

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Today will be full of pictures cos i went through pages of http://www.icanread.tumblr.com/ and came across lots of pictures i liked. Most of them, means alot of what im feeling. So yeah. Im sorry, i got ALOT of emotions to portray using these pictures.. =) Here we go. TRUST ME. IT's a loooong post of pictures. I have at least 20 pictures to share. Hope you'd understand and enjoy if you can. HAHA. Sorry am too lazy to arrange the pictures in order so they're random. Sorry.

I think im mostly the vegetable. lolol.

Or maybe the out of earth one.. =\

Speaks for itself.

This is classic! LOL. Dont know what ill do if that happened to me.

I will name people whom i remember going to school for. If i forget any, im sorry.

Michelle (kindergarten)

My cousin (kindergarten)

My brother (kindergarten)

Kai Jun (i think thats his name, pri 1)

Deborah (Pri school)

Ka Ho (Pri school)

Zhi Xuan (Pri school)

Alvin Goh (Pri School)

Logen (Sec Sch)

Nuraini (Sec Sch)

Aisvarya (Sec Sch)

Guan Kai (Sec Sch)

Jerrold (Sec Sch)

Sook Han (Sec Sch)

Aryani(Sec Sch)

Fateha (Sec Sch)

Cindy (Sec Sch)

Danny (Sec Sch)

Harris (Sec Sch)

Random guys i had crushes on (Sec Sch)

Kenneth (Poly)

Saedah (Poly)

Casper (Poly)

Shaik (Poly)

Rizza (Poly)

Abraham (Poly)

Azim (Poly)

Aiden (Poly)

Random guys & girls i had crushes on (Poly)

MY MOTHER AND FATHER (MY WHOLE LIFE)

Basically alot of the guys i mentioned in my sec school life were people i had huge crushes for. Thats what made them my reason to go to school. lolol...

That's commitment for you.

Yeap i just fucking cant.

Basically means ALL GUYS LIE.

Just for different reasons. HAHA!

Thats why Women are fucking STUPID!!

I almost laughed til i died when i read this.. LOL!!

LOL. Fucking depressing. LOLOL...

I kinda like that fucker who made up this rhyme. lol

you think?

Been reading alot lately. Old books are all read and re-read.

Need new books. =(

This world is full of fucking devils.

I dont get it either.

FUCK YEAH AWESOME

BUT FUCK IT...

I really need to drink and get drunk and puke my guts out and do silly funny stupid things ill regret.

If Barny Stinson is my boyf. I'll fuck him silly.

He's so fucking awesome ill fuck myself silly if he wants me to. lol...

Nice thought. But it doesnt work that way.

Still dont believe in best friends that would die for you.

thats why i've been staying home so much.

I like the feeling it gives me. FREEDOM.

I think thats whats happening to me alot lately

EXACTLY! Fucking idiot thinks its easy to fucking forget.

CB. What he did is the same as killing the man i love. FUCK MOURN.

Go fuck yourself apple.

True story

I really need to test this out sometime.

And....

THATS why i want a girlfriend. Just for a change of pace.

And ......

THATS the morale of he stories....

SO fuck whats the point?

BYE! =) Sorry for the random arrangements of pictures.

Oh. I forgot. I am fucking realizing some actors are fucking hott. I never saw them as hott in the past. But now. Because i watched The notebook and Never been kissed again. I find them.. Insatiably HOTT! Fuck, Screw Barney Stinson. I want these two in my bed. Screwing me silly. LOLOLOL! Kidding. I just wanna make friends and admire them from far. LOL. If they'll ever notice me. I'll die. I dunno. They're so hott. LOL

RYAN GOSLING

Micheal Vartan