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Thursday, January 31, 2008

I met Logen for shopping yesterday. had a great time at Bugis and then headed to Junction 8. Had fun crapping. Bought some clothes for Allen. He paid me back. so yeah. CNY is gonna be awesome. He has to wear clothes i picked out for him. Lol. He looks more handsome lah. But he say he feels uncomfortable because its "not him"... Haha... Well, i wanna see his family's reaction to the whole new dressing. =))

Recently, it's been quite a rollercoaster ride. It's seldom that i use this words nowadays. Because in the past, it was always down in the dumps. But now sometimes i do feel happy. Like when i watch DVD(s) with Allen. And we ate steamboat in the middle of the night. Or when we went shopping together even though both of us are not fans of shopping. Somehow, i felt a little bit of the blissful-ness i used to feel when i was happier. It's good. It's all good. maybe.....

I feel like i want to talk to her. Maybe clear things up. But then again. I feel so.... malas.... to explain. I bet she feels the same way. She would prolly be malas to explain what she meant. And im prolly malas to explain how much she mean to me. MEANS!! NOT MEANT! ... I hate changes. I really do..... I hope, sometimes, things don't change. Good things....

Oh yah. I met up withh Sollihin that day. We were supposedly supposed to talk about the whole issue. But i guess we both avoided that topic. We ended up talking about scandals. And our stories. And we realised how much we were alike. Just that he is me a few months back. Im a little more settled now. Im glad Islam disallows him from drinking. I don't want him to go through what i went through. "You won my friendship 2 years ago and ill stick with you through the end.." He said that in a msg the other day. Which made me cry. Because i've known him much less than her. And she never said that, but i always thought it doesnt matter if she says such stuff or not. Bcos action speaks louder than words. I may not always do what im told. But when she needs me, ill try it all to be there for her. Because whoever that bullies her enough to make her cry would make me feel anger and feel like i wanna beat them up.

Sigh. Sometimes, two different world should stay as two different worlds. I should ask less of myself and of the world. I think im being too hard on myself and stuff thats happening. I should let go...

I packed my room that day. With much help from Allen(degeneres). wahaha... I have lotsa rubbish in my room, i swear. Too much. In fact it took me half a day to clear HALF my room. I suck... Really... i do.... This post is awesomely random.. I feel confused at what im blogging about. I got so much to say but so little brain cells working to help sort them out.

I have started playing a game called chocolatier. It is fucking awesome i tell you. Im sort of addicted to it. But sometimes it gets a tad bit boring. And im starting to get tired of it at the same time im getting addicted to it. Hahahaha... damn am i weird... shit.... Oh yah! WEIRD!!! I have been having funny weird dreams lately. Some about deaths, some about emotions and some that felt so real that it woke me up.... allen thinks im nuts. But im not, i wish i didnt have to dream about such stuff. they make me paranoid. Even though i know they are just dreams.

I have been very very emotional lately and i think i feel sorry for Allen. He knew me as a cheerful girl. As somebody who always makes him laugh. But recently i have been having those awkward moments where i feel self-conscious, and i feel lousy. and i feel like i wanna cry. So many things. And its so much for my boyf to take. I take my hats off his patience. And i pray to whomever that he doesnt hate me for these emotions. I cant help them. REALLY!! they have a mind of their own... ahaha.... Allen is great. he is. He have been the ultimate really... Been patient, been kind, caring, loving, giving and so many things. I wish his love never ends. I hope MY love for him never ends.

and im settled. Im settling.... Im trying... But do YOU know? DO YOU? And now im gone... =)

haha. whats that sia knn? ok. bye.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008

See... anonymous says "guess everyone ard u loves u..." .... Guess...! Just like him/her, im not so fucking sure anymore.... they say, "once you give someone a present/something, you cant take it back" So if god gave me this best friend, why take it away from me? did i do wrong?

This is tyhe first time anonymous' comment made me think negatively. Why is everybody suddenly changine their judgement on me? for the worse? Am i not deserving of your love now anymore? What did i do wrong? I was trying to quit drinking so badly..... im not even drinking anymore now.... (most thanks to Allen) ... Im not smoking as much now, social smoker...... I try not to be a hypocrite anymore..... so im trying to be better but then why is the result contradicting to wat im doing? Aren't you guys suppose to wait for just awhile more and see how i do, before you judge me again? I know i got many chances already, just a few more......? please?

Forget it. Being so emotic about this prolly help nuts. She apologised. Saying she know how hurtful it feels. She says she would be hurt too if i did this to her. Fuck. Somethings are too late to regret. somethings sorry cannot heal. Sometimes the pain still lingers. Fateha asks when im free... I actually didnt want to reply anyone of them anymore. Im afraid she'll ask me to meet adek up to talk. And i don't think im ready or have the guts to talk to her. I don't want to show my weakness to her anymore.... And im afraid ill cry if she starts to apologise again. Or shit i might cry the moment i see her. So i don't want to...

Work today, tmr, and the day after tmr.... I dunno why they put me on so many days. But i guess they need competent workers since Gavin is gone for holiday... I don't feel like working at all... Even though Allen is always there and im so happy meeting my customers. But i don't feel like doing absolute ly anything at all....

My grandma is in the hospital for the past few days already. Her condition seem to be worsening very quickly. The way my parents worry about her, makes me worried too. I really hope she'll be okay. chinese new year is coming... and i want her to celebrate it. Im afraid..... I don't have much time to visit her. her illusions are getting very bad.... She's starting to get aggresive... Parkinson disease is a very very scary disease. I hope nobody uses it as a joke anymore. My friends use to joke about that. And i would laugh. But knowing how my grandma is since she contracted that disease, its not so funny anymore.....

sigh... I cant sleep at night properly this few days. Im so tired. Allen have been very nice to accompany me home everynight putting me to sleep before he goes to sleep. Bcos he thinks ill do something stupid. I guess the way i wept in front of him scared him...Haha.. But he's just too sweet. Sigh.. fuck it.... Kenneth told me the only thing i can do now is to just FUCK IT. So i will.. fuck it... do you read this now? fuck it.....
Monday, January 21, 2008

I know, i promised i will brighten up my posts. I know, im sorry. It's just.... I was so happy.... I was so god damn freakin happy. Then she had to come and spoil it all. She had to drop that god damn bomb on me just as i was feeling so god damn happy.

I was eating Pastamania with allen yesterday afternoon. I was enjoying my time. for a long time, i felt like love was all around me. I felt blessed. Then i recieved the worse message i have ever recieved in a long time. She said " hey you, i noe its been so long since we last talk, ive actually smth to confess , i've done you wrong, i dun deserve to be you adek. im sorry." I thought maybe she was in shit, so she did something wrong and wanna apologise. I thought this could be another time i be there for her, for a change. but i was wrong. she said " I just read your recent post, it just struck me that im not who you think i am, ..................I'm a hypocrite, towards you man."

I didnt need that. I was so happy. My heart raced when she first msged me. I thought what it could be. Never occured to me that something i've tried so hard to pretend don't exist just revealed itself. I knew she have always given me hints that she's not perfect. But to me she was. She absolutely was..... I could have been a hypocrite to anybody else. But NEVER to her. NEVER!!

I cried like fuck yesterday. Immediately after the second msg i cried like a baby in PastaMania. Allen had to give me tissues every 5 mins. I guess he was shock that i was crying. The heart wrenching feeling took me by surprise too. Like, heart pain, sakit hati, paham? Then he consoled me. Then i was okay for 5 mins. And the next five mins found me crying my hearts out again. We decided to leave and went to sit by the harbour. There i cried three times. And i wet allen's shirt pretty badly. I was so shock about how much i was crying over that issue. I literally felt the pain. It was unbearable. Everything came back. All the shit we gone thru and how she was always there for me.

I resented the fact, that my adek. The only friend i treat more like a family than a friend, told me we were nothing more, than just friends. And that there was nothing special going on, and that she have been talking behind my back. I didn't need to know, for real, i didn't WANT to know. She was so special to me. She was more than what i can put into words. We may not have spoken much, may have spent much less time together. But i never thought that it would have mattered. Like family, NO MATTER WHAT, we still love each other. All the trust i have for that friendship with her, one night, gone..... I have never felt crazy like this before. I wanted to throw my phone in the water. I wanted to throw MYSELF in the water. How did it end up this way? I was never too caught up with something else for her. For her, anything i can do, i will.... And she asked "whats the difference mandy?" Like my tears meant nothing at all.... Not that she knw i was crying.

My eyes swell and pound on this pain i feel. Everybody that knew me knew her. Even if they didnt know her, they knew her. because everytime a question along the line of "who's your BEST FRIEND?" is asked, the answer from me, without hesitation, would be her. "MY ADEK" i would say. And they would ask questions on why. And i would have endless stories to tell. Stories of how she was always there for me. And how much effort i put in this one, because i want it so much to work. More than any other boyf, more than any other friend. She stood by me always.... And last night i found out, she hated it.... She probably hated being there for me.

This is probably retribution. I was just talking about hypocrisy that other night with Logen. And this IS the retribution i was talking about. I never knew it would be so painful. she meant so much, too much to me to have just killed me with one msg, like i was just ANOTHEr friend. I feel so much resentment. Not once i talked bad about her. Allen knew about Adek. Every new friend i have, knows about Adek the first few weeks they know me. And everything they ever know is how she always protected me, and loved me and was there for me. Now take note, the next new thing they will find out is that it was all lies. That she put a new definition to friendship for me. That friendship don't exist and lies will always exist in everything. Trust is something you don't want to put on somebody.

Im so screwed i cant think straight. I cried waaaay too much last night. It's been awhile since i've been like that sia. Like the pain is sooo real.... So fucking real. Allen had no idea what to do except keep giving me tissues and lending me a shoulder. He kept on saying "forget it lahhh..." when he knew i could not. He knows ho wi feel, im sure of it. Cos he's been thru a simialr situation. A love that is not reciprocated is the most painful relationship you can ever have. Or something that you thought you once had, gone, in a flash. Felt so betrayed. But there was more sadness than anger in me. I predicted the day would have come. Some day, somehow, but i never knew so fast. I havent even finish my first year in poly... HAissssssss...... I always lose things i love...... Haisssss.... I should stop self-pitying myself.

She said i always never listen to her. But how the fuck would she know? Yah i don't do it straight away. Same way how my family ask me to do something, so i do it immediately? Give me time ah. I make mistakes too what. fuck if i always listen to your advice, more better you live my life for me right? Sometimes advice need not be put into action what. Why sia you judge me by my mistakes?!?!! YOU SHOULD NOT EVEN BE JUDGING ME!!! BCOS I NEVER did......!!! Maybe im wrong. It doesnt mean i treat her this way, she should treat me this way. I shouldn't have expected that much of her. Misunderstand her, she say.... she put it so bluntly, how could it have been misuunderstood? Im smarter than that. I get it.... Don't come out with excuses laa... My heart won't heal with those words..... You took so good care of it, only to stomp on it after so long... thanks. It hurts more this way and YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!!! I hate......... this shit.....

I have nothing more to say here. So much to scream at her. So much to scream at the world now. so much to scream about how unfair life is..... How i was so happy but it couldn't last.... for just more than a month or so..... How i wanted so much to change and i WAS!!!!! Until she hit me back to square one!!! I am weak... I am weak for the people i love.... and i love her.... If only she felt the same fucking way.... I wish this all didnt happen . I wish she just kept it to herself and never let it out to light. I wish i never knew about the things she say about me. I wish she loved me like i loved her. She was more than a friend, always...... She was, family....... Haiss..... Fuck this shit. I just wanted you guys to know, how she killed me last night. Just like all those other guys. One night, one incident, one msg, gone... like that... why couldnt she have kept it perfect the way it was..... I didnt..... neeeeeeed..... toooooo.... knooooooow....!! =( Help?
Thursday, January 17, 2008

This is going to be quite an emotional post. NOt in a WHINY sense though. In a more, sensible, logical sense. Im going to talk about, how i grew up and how things have changed, and about how sometimes, you just gotta "live with it".... Might be a long post. Bear with it. Plus, im feeling bored. Talking with Logen yesterday sparked pretty much everything i know i knew before i was addicted to drinking.

I havent been drinking much lately either. Being controlled by a few people. And i guess i want to stop it too. It doesn't give me much. Im trying to turn over a new leaf and NO, both sides of my leaf is different kay!! =) I wanna be a good girl again. 2008 SHOULD bring in happier times, not more drunken moments. Im pretty much, changing, AGAIN.... for the better(i hope) this time....

Hypocritical. We talked about that last night. Somehow, i lost the feeling of wanting to be understanding. I guess in the past, i used to be so much more than i am now. I had flocks of good friends. That i understood, and i knew they knew that i cared. But now, that special connection all gone. I feel like im a total different person. I lost that one distinctive feature i loved the most. I don't seem to want to care anymore, maybe because i cared so much for others in the past now i wanna be selfish. Not loving that totally, but now im a bit self-centred. that's where my hypocritical side takes the stage. Nobody would understand. Like the old cliche saying "only you know yourself best".... And i know that at times, i can be the biggest hypocrite ever....

But all that's going to change... bcos i WANT to change. and alot of this yearning for a change is due to the biggest change in my life. Falling in like/love with a chinese man. Ok. Let me reveal. I have dated malays and indians and a couple of eurasians. But never chinese. Never felt attraction with ANY chinese man before. And i have seen so much in malays. Matrep have, nerdy mats have, mat kental ade.... Sumer dah experience. And trust me, most of them are not very nice to have.

I've been hurt more times by these people more than the times i scraped my knees trying to learn how to ride a bicycle. everybody always asked me, "find a good guy mandy. Why don't you try liking a chinese guy for a change?" But i never believed that i ever would put that advice into action. Until the most unexpected thing hit me one day after work. It just started off a simple casual "come sit down join us laaah..." And then after a SMALL glass of Hoegarden, we had a few awkward moments where i felt (like logen would say) "so warm inside".... Hahaha.... So things started happenin'..... y'know? ;)

I mean its a total different new thing. Never felt pampered like this before. I call him my atm because of the sole fact that he spends waaaaay too much on me... Really, i think im spending too much on food especially... Plus he's just too cute. In a way, i think i was the one that "woo-ed" him.... I had so much fun teasing him. Till now, i'm still having much fun disturbing him. Old man, but just like a kid... =) Im happy, really.... and it's not everytime (NEVER!!) that my friends say "at least this time you make a better choice"...... So im proud of myself.. I found a chinese boyf!!! Cheers and happy happy new year to me!!! =) YAY......

Okay.. so i guess you can tell, AGAIN, mandy has another man in her life.. Yaaaaaah laaaaah... I know laaaah.... I know i always change boyfriends. But i mean, what can i do if i keep feeling "so warm inside"??? Lol..... fuck... nonsense. Ok. Bottomline is, i really think and want this to/would work.... He's awfully nice and exceptionally cute. and no i am not rushing into anything. It is a PURE, CLEAN, FUN & absolutely NO hanky panky going on. It's a good change, for a start, right?!!? =)

Wohkay wohkay... So that aside, i met up with Logen and aHris last night for dinner. Ate stingray and stuff. Had lotsa fun poking fun at each other. It's been awhile since i felt like a Jingaro.... We had lotsa fun.... and i was stuffed..... So we went to Isk' park for a chit-chat and we ended up scaring the shit out of each other with ghost stories and experiences. I got a pretty good whacking from Logen because aHris decides its funny to scare the shit out of Logen by shocking him. But it was funny, at the same time my goosebumps were starting to stand I wasn't the only one that felt paranoia that maybe, just maybe, as we were talking about the unseen, a little toyol was listneing to our conversation. Didnt help that harris found a baby shoe and tried to scare us with it. It was "out of place"... And im not suppose to talk about things that are oiut of place. aHris thinks im DEGIL (stubborn)... Im not.. I just dun really believe anything would happen.. Until i feel it/see it happening... =) an realist in that...

Randomly speaking, i do stil, once in a while, get reminded of Farhan. And sometimes, still having dreams about him doesnt help in getting the past behind me. My curiosity still kills me sometimes. I bumped into a friend of his that day in the train. It was very nice of hiim to approach me and we ended up talking a bit. And he told me about how Farhan is now. And we laughed about it. It was so different then... I guess, its all back to everything changes.... But right now, it way at the back of my mind. Im happy with my new boyf now. and i don't think, that the fictious stories i came up with in my mind would ever happen. I cant turn back time. So i guess there's only forward to go. No more turning back. No point regretting... That day would be the last time i felt sorry for us. That day when i was taking bus 57 and everywhere just reminded me of him and all the things we been through... No more feeling sorry for lost love. =) It's all over. everything will be fresh.....

Seeing things in a sober view feels fresh. It's been awhile, now my memory still fails me, but at least i still have memory. Recollecting ANYTHING was such a chore when i was best friends with alcohol.... Feelings neglected, thoughts provoked, everything was so fucked, so mixed up.... Now its all going to go away. Thanks to all my lovely friends, my wonderful family, and my sayang.... =) My life is good... at least for now it is... I am a happy, satisfied girl, for the past, couple of weeks.....

Then again, i miss Adek alot. We have grown so far apart. Talking about my friendship with logen last night made me think so much. He and I been thru a whole lot together as well... We were best friends. We went thru trust issues. We drifted apart. Only to get closer again... We could have talked about anything at all..... But we ended up talking about how much we mean to each other. And that feeling of regret came back. I should have fight on to keep that lovely friendship going on string. But i "let it be"..... I wonder how it would have been if i gave a shit.... I don't want to lose another awesome friendship. So i want to meet up with Adek.. Sms and calling seems too different a media to communicate with her. We have always preferred talking face to face. And imiss her, so god damn much. No matter how many years we don't meet each other, and how many months we don't talk to each other, she will always be my adek. And i will always love and care for her, NO MATTER WHAT!! and she should know that. I don't call anyone else Adek.... That name, is encraved in me, and that space, is only for her..... NoBARdy else...!! haha... I miss her like crazy...... I want her to see me happy now. I want to show her i can control my life better now. and i wanna tell her part of who i am now, is because she was always there with me.... And i appreciate her more than any friend i ever had/have.... Oh wait... She is not a friend, to me, she's a sister.... Family... =)

Okay okay. Very random again. I just went blog-checking-out and i bump into a blog of a old school mate of mine. From Beatty secondary school laaaah.... Then hor.. I tell you hor... I used to don't like her wan leh... But then hor, just now i see all her pictures hor, i see she become so fucking pretty leh. And then hor, i couldn't stop viewing her pictures. I spent hours just looking at her blog pictures leh. She is quite pretty de lor. I mean, thinking that i have fetish for checking out girls now, i checked her out lor.... Im not lesbian de lors.. Its just that last time i think that she is not a very nice girl, i dunno how she is now. But who gives a fuck lors. She is quite hott lors. She is a model now. But to me she is abit too skinny. If she abit more fleshier i dun mind becomoe lesbian go for her de lors. But i think her character not those kind i like lehss.. But that aside, i still think she very the hott siak!!! Knn.... if only i can have half that body ah... kau pei, BOLEH FIGHT SIOL!!! Haha.. no ah. kiddin.... I just, admire her fucking hott body. I dun mind checking her out everyday... But let's just keep it at that. Bcos i remember how much i didnt like her in school in the past. should i mention her name? Its pretty obvious if you guys noe me lah. Waaaah fuck.. Hott siol..... stim ah.... ;) kiddin'...

Okay. Random siol..... This is a pretty long post. It's been awhile since i post so much to update. Lotsa photos taken with sayang. Shall post it soon. Hopefully i can edit it good and make a collage so that its easier to post. =) Gimme some time to brighten up my posts aiites? Anyway, chinese new year's coming up.... cheers to all. Enjoy.. And, invite me home!!! I'll wash dishes for ang pow money... PWEASE?? =) And good food also hor!!! BAH KWA!!!! yay!!! toodlelus darls....