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Monday, October 19, 2009

Last night i dreamt i died. I drowned when i jumped into the big ocean cos my phone somehow dropped. I tried to save it and i feel into the ocean while my friends looked on screaming my name. I tried to tell them im okay that i saved my phone. but then i realise they're crying because im already dead. Then my "soul" start to linger to places. Places where all my loved ones are.

I see Harris, Danny, Isk and the gang in disbelief. I see my cousins crying and wondering how it happened, wishing they had a chance to save me. I see Aryani and Fateha, wishing they had the chance to tell me what they've always wanted to tell me but never thought it was important enough. Then, i saw Allen, crying his eyes out regretting. Regretting so many things that were said and done wrong and wishing for another chance to make things right. I see my brothers, feeling a fucked up and crying like crap, angry at why it must happen this way. I see my parents, all heart broken, feeling like god have betrayed them, wondering what they did to deserve something like that, their only daughter, GONE.

Then i saw my grandparents, all warm with embrace. Telling me that it's alright. That they will help me. And then the whole cycle happened again. I saw all those images again. all the sorrow, sadness and anger that happened when i died. But apart from just those images, i saw more. I saw how it would be like if those people actually did what they did. My cousins will tell me they love me. My friends will always try to be there for me, knowing just when im feeling like shit. And those who knew that i've always wanted to die will understand finally why.

And then i woke up. Feeling again like i've just died. I turn to my left and saw Allen. And i realise that i really do want to die. That i feel like the only way anyone will start understanding me is only if i die. So i went to bath, recollecting the moments of the dream. I got ready for school and went to school without a reason to live.

As i was on my way to school i thought and i thought and i kept thinking, why am i doing what i do? And if there really is no reason for me to live. Why then, do i keep on living? I reach school, without anything to say or do. Feeling like i don't want to do anything. But i end up doing all the regular routine.

I went to smoke with Grayce. On the way back to class, i saw a commotion. I went to help this girl who fainted at the staircase. Apparently she has epilepsy. And her caretaker couldn't really lift her up. So a guy, two girls and me went to help her out. Lifted the girl into a chair and tried waking her up and called her name. HER NAME? MING LI. Ming Li! My name, god dammit. When i heard that, my dream flahsed back in my mind. I don't know. Maybe its just because of the mind set i have. That anything bad that happens i just take it, shine it and somehow link it back to me. So i helped her, wishing i was in her shoes (i know thats bad). Then i went back to class wondering who i should tell about this. And i realise i wanna tell no one. I just wanna blog. About how useless i am and how i really want to die.

i don't know. You might call me EMO or whatever it is. But im not doing so good. Yes i'm not doing anything harmful to myself or others(hopefully), but im not doing so good. Im just pretending. Pretending everything is fine and im wasting my time away. Pretending like i want to plan for a future. A future that i wish i wouldnt be alive to live it. I've become so accustom to wanting to die that every little thing that happen i link it to detah and i tell myself "That's why i wanna die". Weak~ i know....

I don't know what to do. and im pretty damn sure anything anyone say, isnt going to help. I just feel, lost and i havent found out who can help me yet. I dun want to burden anyone. So manybe, thats why, i just wanna keep being lost. I know its frustrating. I'M frustrating. "Thats why i wish i died".... Thats why.... I wish my dream was real....