Once again, we have been turning in circles. Around and around we keep turning and im really tired and im out of ideas. I've used up all that i have and im high and dry here... just waiting, hoping, feeling impatient. But still, its not so easy to give up. I have to make a decision, i had to be selfish. I really have no more patience and no more faith to give to this relationship. I want to be stupid and i want to be blinded by this love. But i am not. Im sorry. I want to believe that love can rule over anything in the world. That no matter what, love still wins all hands down. But after so many failed relationship, i know love is bullshit. When bad things happen, people USE love as an excuse to make it right. All in the name of LOVE. bull-fucking-shit. I wanna be naive and stupid and i wanna be that dumbass girl who waits for a man for years yearning for the love she wants but not fighting for it. But im sorry i cant do it. I cant accept a man who lies to me. I cant accept someone who tells me he's trying but not proving anything to me. I cant accept a man who doesnt know how to handle things on his own without screwing up. I dunno how to accept a guy who doesnt even know how to make me feel secure and loved.
Sometimes we take things for granted. We believe that we will have that thing forever/for a long time. So we don't go thinking much about it cos we think that no matter what, you'll always have that with you. IM NOT THAT PERSON. Not now at least, because now is the time i HAVE TO fight for what i want. Even if it hurts me, or if it hurts you, i have to do it. SO that even if i fail anyway, i know i did put in my best and try. If i accept your lies, and i accept those flaws you know you can do without, im not doing you a good deed. Im only accomodating what you know as "bad habits". A person who knows a friend is a murderer, and still protects the murderer and let him hide out at his place, is just as much a murderer as the REAL murderer. Im the only person that push you enough to make you do something. Only with a goal in life, you'll find yourself moving forwards.
Nothing is simple. When humans are involved, everything becomes so much more complicated. And you ask me for a simple life. Simple? You think being happy is simple? You fucking work hard for it. Some people die, not knowing how it truly feels to be happy. Life IS NEVER simple.
I just hate that you cant understand me and i cant accept you for who you are. Maybe its me. Maybe you just need to find a girl that can accpet all your flaws, even if it makes the relationship meaningless, maybe you need a woman who is willing to die for you and pretend like you're the perfect one even if you're not. Maybe you need someone who's dumb enuf to believe there's such a thing as a perfect boyf. I know that nothing's perfect. But the one thing we're capable of doing... is to do all that we can, to make it as close to perfect as we can. But i can't work alone. It takes two hands to clap. While ill trying so hrd here to create a sound. To make us work, you're justthere, telling me again and again that you're trying, but nothing's happening. Maybe its me. I cant see the improvement in you. But isn't it up to you to prove to me and make sure i fucking SEE that you're changing? SHOW ME. Not tell me.
Id on't know if you will read this. even if you do, i dunno if you have anything to say. Because in these past 2 years, i have always been the one talking. And im tired. For every one philosophy i have and try to make you understand, i have repeated about a thousand times. But still, you just TELL me you understand. But you stil continue with all your "Idunno why i did it", "im sorry i know it was wrong", "im stupid pls forgive me". Sometimes i feel stupid. Bcos i feel like i DO have the right to be pissed at you for fucking up. But once you say the "im stupid, i dunno how to make you happy"... I feel like, HOW THE FUCK CAN I BLAME A PERSON FOR NOT KNOWING? Even the muslims have a thing as "duno, is not wrong"... But you know, allen, YOU KNOW! you just dunno how to do it.
So its up to you now. You and i both know time is running out. And im not the most patient girl in the world. I will never forget you. And i believe you have left a huge imprint on my life. But i gotta do whats best for me, for you, and for us. If i continue to pretend everything is the way its supposed to be when its not. Then ill just be dragging everything and bringing us further down the quick sand. If till now you still believe that by doing nth, ill come back to you and start explaining things to you 1 by 1 slowly with love again. You're wrong. all the things i need and want from you, i have alr said to you.
1) Do NOT lie to me
2) If you do something wrong, KNOW how to handle the situation and LEARN how to make me happy and feel better again.
3) Keep to your promises
4) Be frank, take the initiative
5) understand and know what makes me happy and what makes me not, and learn how to counter it.
Im not unreasonable. I cant give in in some tings. But in some, i cant. JUST DONT LIE TO ME. BE FRANK. FACE THE CONSEQUENCES! BE A MAN!! If you dare to do something wrong knowing its wrong.. the first step is to admit it. And admit before you get discovered.
Fuck. ive lost the mood to blog. my life is all over the place. And the fuckiest thing is. I cant stop giving a shit about it. I want to. I want to give up and just enjoy life, stop thinking so much. I cant. My life's fucked cos my mind's fucked. fucking deserve to die... =(