Im sick.. =(
Vomitting all the time after i eat and i went to see a doctor finally... =(
Dr Jeremy Edward Lee says that i may have gastric ulcers or something lidat. He say that its due to my irregularity of meals and me not looking after myself. He says that if his medicine doesnt help, it means in 2 weeks time, i will need to go for scope. Which means i need to stuff some small camera shit down my throat to see if my stomach and all is fine. If its not fine, i will have to go through about 2 months of treatment. WHAAAAAT....~~ I noe. I never knew gastric could become so bad. I always thought that my vomitting was due to gastric and its normal. But recently it got pretty bad so i thought "Maybe gastric flu".. Now Dr Jeremy say that its getting bad and i MUST start eating regularly.
7-8am = Breakfast
12-1pm = Lunch
6-8pm = Dinner
This routine is going to take alot of discipline and effort and i may die from trying to hard to overcome the laziness.... =( How to eat regularly. I cant remember the last time i ate proper meals at proper times... =( But i dun wanna go see specialist. Dr Tan was kind enough to ask me "Im sure you dont want to go see specialist right?" Well, DUH~~~
So today i wpoke up at 730am just to eat a piece of plain bread. And my medicine.. =\ It was pure torture. I nearly choked myself half-awake. =(
But still whatever i eat gets puked out. Its like my stomach is overturned...
I still havent found a job. =( Im starting to doubt my awesome-ness. Feel like some loser at times. I've got nothing. I got so much support and love. But im feeling like i cant achieve shit in my life. I just keep thinking of all the bad things. Im half-way there to becoming suicidal. I dunno. But honestly speaking? I think somewhere hiding itself deep in my brain, i have thoughts of dying. I like the pain im in. Sometimes after i vomit i think to myself "why cant gastric kill me?"
SO yeah.. But anyway, Sentosa trip with Logen, Ais and Harris prolly coming up soon. Cant wait. Maybe cafe Del Mar or wavehouse. Im voting for wavehouse. =)
Im so broke you have no idea what i have to do to enjoy... =( Lol . Im that close to wanting to sell my body for quick cash. Lol.. .No lah.. Just kidding. My life is good. Just need to stay sober and stay grounded. I think ill be fine soon.. =)
My birthday is coming. You know what would be the "best" gift? Death. Death from gastric. Lol.. No lah... I wanna be hospitalised. Just for fun. =) Lol... Or maybe money. Lots and lots of money. I'll go travelling. And leave this fucked up place behind. Bring my family along. =) No other people i can count on except them. =) Worth it.
"I think i like you,
But i know i love him
So is it wrong?
Am i foolish to think that i can still fight?
Like how i used to fight?
I think im running out of energy to do anything
Its not fair for you.
Neither it is for me, and him.
I just wish there was a way,
for us ALL to win...."