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mandy-low @blogspot.com ♥
Saturday, June 26, 2010

Allen replied to my letter... LOL. WTH? Apparently when he told me that the girl's name is Gina. He wanted to type gone. dunno how that came about. BUT... He thought i ASSUMED the girls name is Gina. LOL. Like im the kind of person that would pluck out a name from no where and accuse him of loving that girl. LOL. WTF. He told me " I love another girl already. GINA"  And i was suppose to think that he meant " I love another girl already. GONE." ?? Im smart. But not THAT smart. HAHA. GINA!! Now come to think of it ... It's so funny. GINA. LOL!!! GINA!!! HAHAHA YOU DONT EXIST GINA!!! YOU DONT!!! =)

So... We exchanged a few facebook messages and again he kept apologizing. I dunno why. LOL. Poor kid. I think my blog posts are making him feel fucked up. I always thought that was what i wanted. Until he msg me yesterday. And i realised, NO. I didnt want this kind of reaction from him. I didnt want him to feel bad ... I mean.. I dunno. I guess i just wanted to spark a respond. But i guess i was wrong. I didnt want to interfere with his life and i thought i could do it, by just blogging. Cos its the only way i can express my feelings without imposing on him and his new girl. Thats as far as nobility brings me. =\


Also, yesterday i talked to Wilson after his book out. And i realise he's going through a rough patch. Similar. But when i see him so broken. My heart broke even further. I dunno. I guess i always looked up to him. He was my pillar. He was my hero. And when you see the person you respect and admire so much break, and lose all confidence in himself as a man. You would break too. I tried to assure him that whatever applies to his relationship wont apply at home. Because i love him unconditionally. But i couldn't go pass the first sentence and my tears started to well up. I couldnt take anymore seeing him in pain. I could feel him literally slipping away and fading into the background of his NS life and his fucked up relationship issues. He told me he didnt care anymore. That the more he cared the more hurt he gets. And that just broke me. It was like me brother telling me he is too tired with his life to care about me anymore.

I wanted to talk. I needed to talk to him. About family. About MY life. About his life. But when he said " I dun wanna care anymore. You all can go do whatever you want. Its none of my business. " I sat there.. And my heart broke even more than i thought possible. And for a moment, i hated the people who made my brother this way. I wanted to ask him to just ask those people out and fix it right there and then. But i couldnt. That would be over the line. So i begged. I begged for them to leave him alone. To give him some time to recover. to stop ruining my brother. I knew i shouldnt have interfered. I knew it wasnt my place to do anything. But i couldnt just sit there and see my brother fall. And not do anything. One broken heart in the family is enough. And, i guess, if he lost his faith in love. The little bit of faith i have left... Would just disappear too.

I want so much to shelter my brother because thats what he has been doing for me. But i got overwhelmed by the fact that he no longer has the energy and strength to shelter me this time. I want him to be better. To be okay. And to know that he's not bad. That no matter what others do or say to make him feel like he's not worth it. He's worth every single penny in my life. And if one person doesnt know how to appreciate him. If TWO people dont know how to make him feel loved. Then i hope WE as his family can make him feel like he's worth everything.

NS took half his life away from us. If you ruin the other half. My brother won't be the same anymore. And like my mum and dad. He is my pillar. And above that. He is my older brother. I cant let him fall. I know the feeling cos ive been thru it more than he did. But this one. THIS ONE!! This fall.. If he falls... Im afraid he just wont get over it as easy as any other fall he did. =\

Thanks for understanding. I hope you get better. I know you hurt pretty bad too. But i guess. When we screw things up. We just have to take the heat lor... But itll get better... Im sure it will.. I know, you smarter than that. And you're able to handle it and makes things get better again. Just let him recover first. He cant break anymore. He just cant.... Im sorry...

Ah fuck. I think thats all ill blog about today. Im not in the right state of mind to do happy thoughts the past two days. Sorry guys.