Harris introduced me to this song. Told me it meant alot. Came across it in Afiqa's blog. I like the mtv. It's like, a movie. And it just, felt oh-so-familiar... And also cos it got me thinking.
On the other hand... I wanna marry Eminem. Even though he's a wife beater and has anger issues and prolly a little psycho. But well, it'll kinda be interesting. If he kills me while loving me. Maybe ill die with a meaning in life. I duno. Even though i know its stupid. But i miss living my life for someone else. More often than not, my partner becomes the reasons and the meaning for me to live a better life or to make things better for both of us.
Now that im just living for myself. I find lotsa stuff meaningless. Like as if my life alone is not worth fighting for. Which sucks. Cos it makes people think im suicidal and stuff. Im not. I just dunno what to live for and who to live for. And those people that tells me "live for yourself mandy" .. Can go fuck yourself cos... I can't and i dont know how to and i probably dont want to either. I need a reason. And that reson to stay alive is people. People or PERSON. I dont know. I dont know how to live for myself. I never know what i want. For some reason or another, im better at deciphering and helping people with what they want. And i screw up my own ideas.
I wish someone like me would come into my life. And just save me. Tell me exactly what to do at what point of time and tell me how its gonna turn out. And live through it with me. I wish i was my own best friend. Fuck.
So, I wanna marry slim shady. I wanna be his other half. Lol. I dunno. Just seem interesting. The thought that Eminem can be normal intrigues me. LOL. Wonder how it's like being the love of his life. Lol...
How is it that i want so much to be not alone. But everytime there's a certain prospect of someone coming into my life... I turn and run. I mean, i like people. And i have crushes and stuff. But everytime i start to feel like maybe i can like this person more. I get scared... Then i tell myself to forget it. And i convince myself that there's no one out there thats right for me. Because everyone will leave me when they find out that the REAL me isnt really that nice.
And i dun want anyone to leave me. I hate people leaving me. I hate being left behind even if i shout and cry and fight and scream. I want that one person to stand through with me. I hate that people always come out with reasons to leave me. Why cant someone love me like family? Why cant someone love me like im their family? There's always a reason to hate me. To make me seem imperfect. I want to know... how is it .... that ... i fall in love with everyone i meet so easily... Anyone who so as much as gives me special attention and treats me well... I suddenly feel like maybe im falling in love. Then something happens and i realise. It's always one-sided. I always believe love can see pass all the shits.
But i forgot. The reason i broke up with Farhan last time. Was because Love wasnt enough. So who am i to say?
Sigh. Love is a never ending story because there's is no definition to love. There'll always be lots of maybe(s), lots of what if(s), lots of possibilities... Lots of screw up(s) without explanation. Love never ends. Not because its so noble. Cos nobody know anything about it. And even till now people is still trying to figure out what exactly is love. That's why it never ends. Love is over-rated...
I just want someone to want me forever and wanna be with me forever, thru every shit, every fight, every bad times, everything... I just want someone that is glued to my life. That literally cannot be seperated from my life. And i wanna feel the same way for that person. And we help each other to grow. You grow, I grow. And we just live happy, sad, and angry and bitter all together.
But who gives a shit what i want? The more i whine the more i dont get it. Fuck life.
IM SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY TODAY!!!
I got the job that i wanted. I was selected to work at the place my uncle is working at. As a Customer Service Assistant or something. The job scope sounds cool. And i wish i learn alot and i learn fast there. I want to do good. I dunno. This company, seems cool. Seems like there's alot for me to do and learn. I will have alot of OT(s) apparently. Cos i have lots to do... OT = more money... So i dun mind... =) Over time is good... =) Plus i dont have anyone to go home to. Except my family of course. I have no one to answer to. Im free as a bird. I wish i OT all my life.
I wish too many things. If one day someone decides to grant all the wishes i had wished since i was born. He'll go nuts. Cos alot of my wishes might be contradicting to other wishes. Plus there'll be alot of funny stupid wishes that i'll regret. Sigh...
Today I don't know if i'm a better person than I used to be ....
I want .. to... pretend ... that i love someone.... I'd like to pretend... that all of you... really do love me.... And wanna be by my side every second in my life. And wanna love me.... I wanna pretend all of you wish i was your girlfriend... And that you guys actually think i will be PERFECT for you. That ill be the best person you'll ever date. And tat all of you wanna marry me. Boy or Girl, doesnt matter...