This is me. Call me CRAZY.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

I have been thinking. The whole night last night since I went home.

I thought about a lot of things..

Typical girl behaviour happened.

I think. the worse thing a girl can ever do. Think.

Stupid girls should never think cos they'll just hurt themseleves.

Smart girls should know better than to think about life, love and anything involving this kinda stuffssss....

So I think i belong in the second category..

But I didnt know better... I should've known better.. =(

So I think, and I thought..

And I felt stupid. As much as i'd like to believe im not stupid...

So anyway, the song you see above?

Kinda wraps up how i feel about a certain someone.

It is stupid, and useless..

It is the worse thing i have done since Allen.

He is a friend.. Things should just stay the way it is...

I should not dream of anything more and I should never have even thought that there was even a slight possibility.

Because of the sole fact that there is none...

None what so ever, ray of hope, that implies that, this dream/imagination of mine..

Can become real...

I need to constantly remind myself. Nothing can come out of this lust/infatuation.

I believe, it is due to the loneliness...

Abstinence from intimacy and stuff..

Has probably made me feel the need for some.

And he's the only one,

that is wanna share this craving with..

But its a stupid thought...

Apart from that...

I think.. And I thought some more...

And I reflected on my behaviour for the past month or so...

I have been drinking.

And even, when I'm not drinking I'm craving for a drink.

I don't know why..

So anyway, I came to the conclusion.

I am going to change...

I need to get rid of this stupid feeling i have ...

And I need to be awesome again.

I have been acting childish. Immature...

I have been faking too many smiles with friends.

I have been craving too much sympathy from loved ones.

I havent been grown up at all...

I have been dependant...

I have been expecting friends to be there for me and to make me happy...

I have been wanting friends to treat me like a princess...

And when it doesnt happen that way,

I have been feeling pitiful and sad... =(

This.. Is... Stupid..

This.. Has.. To... STOP.

I need to grow up.

Bcos if i dont, I KNOW, for a fact...

That months down this road...

I will cry every night.. And i will feel stupid...

Why i didnt stop myself when its still early?

I know myself.. I know if i hide this feelings longer..

One day i will be rash and do something stupid.

Like tell him/show him, that i do, and have been.. secretly.. liking him...

THAT!! My friends, will prove to be a major disaster.

As Isk and so many others have reminded me...

Okay, it's only been Isk..

Nobody else told me about how its stupid and useless...

But I know, Isk is right...

Nothing can/would come out of these feelings... =(

I heard the song today, and i dunno why i teared.

I guess the harsh truth Isk told me last night.

kinda took its effect today..

BUT!! I'll get over it...

I need to enforce some rules in my life...

I need to get myself away from the object of this emotions..

As much as i dun want to..

As much as i love his company and etc...

I need, to seperate myself from this stupid emotions i feel.

Its getting worse by each weekend.. =(

and every Sunday, I feel stupid.

Because I start to think most on the Sunday.

~~I start to count down to the weekends..~~

~~Not because i dont have work. But because of what i will normally do during the weekends...~~

I should stay home...

I really should... =(

I need to make a choice.

And in the past, I always followed my heart and believed in the impossible.

But reality always kicks me hard in the butt...

Now? There's much on the line...

for the first time it occurs to me, friendship? Or lust?

This time? I choose friendship...

Love hasnt been nice to me since Allen..

and I dun think it'll change its mind and be nice to me so soon...

It always fucks me for a few years then give me a good one for awhile..

Everytime i drink, i think.

Drinking doesnt go well with thinking.

It makes us think funny...

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I thought about work.

Where i want myself to be in a few years time.

and as much as i feel that at the rate im going, ill lose this rat race.

But I kept telling myself, its ok.

Even if i dun become successful.

I know ive tried.

A normal life... Just live it, for my family...

And for whoever else that THINKS they need me.

for those who believe that without me in their lives, it would be like trying to fly without wings..

I will live for those i believe believes in me...

And I will try my best.

and when life knocks me down, ill get back up.. =)

Thats what my brother told me...

"Yknow the song "Sometimes love comes around, when it knocks you down just get back up when it knocks you down, knocks you down..." It doesnt apply only to love. Life's a bitch. Get up. Fight thru it all. You will come out of it a better person. "

I wanna be a better person.

To be that better person, I need to stop acting...

I need to stop trying so hard to be loved...

I need to stop trying so hard to get the kind of attention that i want...

those who leave me because i have stop making funny jokes, ir because i am no longer the same happy me...

They dun love me like i think they do...

So lets put this to the test...

Im changing...

I WILL CHANGE!!!

And im sorry for/if i hurt anyone in thsi process...

Its a hard road...

trying to deatch myself away from alot of feelings that has been in me for quite awhile now..

Trying to break the habit...

I dun wanna screw up anymore..

I realy really dont...

And it just feels like nobody understands...

Even though supportive and encouraging..

It feels like nobody understands...

And the disappointment i have about myself...

Eats me up and spits me out to dry in the sun... =(

All Love, Lust, Life, Work, and everything else except family..

Is being a bitch to me..

~~I need to drink...~~

~~Alone... DRINK... ALONE....~~

SOrry for this whining session.

Just need somewhere to vent...

Where i wont feel stupid after wards..

every Sunday, when i look back on the weekdays and the weekends...

Since i dunno when...

I have been feeling stupid...

So, if i detach myself from the outside world..

Maybe then...

I wun do anything, or feel anything silly...

Hais.. Im sorry guys...

Like how Isk needed to disappear and recharge a few days back.

I need that now...

Disappear and recharge...

And somehow, it feels like nobody cares or really gives a shit...

BYE.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

ZAWrightttttt... Work's starting to get better. Maybe because i try hard as hell to change my attitude. Try to put less pressure on myself and focus on learning and doing things and screwing up without feeling fucking stupid... =\ Thanks to my parents, my friends, and my family too. For those encouraging words and for believing in me.. =)

Macam i already fucking good lidat... =| lol.. =)

K. Work starts...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Ok. The best interesting thing i can do now is to change the fucking font. =(

I just dont have the ability/feel like of blogging/using the computer when i'm at home. Monday to Friday stare at computer all day. GO HOME STILL MUST STARE AT COMPUTER??? KNN...

Hais... So my dad cleverly went to tell my uncle about me crying and stuff.. =( Now i think my uncle's gonna talk to me during the weekends.. =( I dun wanna feel stupid and cry again.. =( But my dad did that, cos he wanted to know from a 3rd person point of view, if its really how i say it is... And my uncle said it's true. The system? They're changing the system soon. So I just have to pull through this period now. And when they change to use SAP system... Everything will be better...

Wanna know why? Cos, I wun be the only one feeling stupid. Every other person who doesnt know how to use SAP will feel stupid too!! LOL...

Skiddin;.. Actually the whole point why i cry is cos i feel lousy that i cant even withstand such little pressure and disappointment.. I thought i was strong. Then again, I always think wrongly about myself.. I tend to over estimate at the wrong time and under estimate at other wrong times. So basically Im always wrong... When it comes to myself...

_____________________________

So I'm sorry it's all words and no pictures... I noe i promised more awesome cute pictures of me when i looked like ang moh baby.. But Im sorry... I think that wouldnt happen for a long time... =\

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For those who dont already know.. Im going on a company paid trip to Perth in November.. Looking forward to it.. =) Well, take it as a chance to hang around office people.. Try to blend in.. Be one with the crowd... =/ LOL. I dunno... sometimes, i miss Brussels Sprouts...

Which is exactly WHY!!!!! I went to brussels to work one Sunday afternoon... For 5 hours... It was like a dream... I mean, minus away the kind of attitude i get from one particular chef during service hour... I think, it went awesomely well... Everyone kinda made me happy.. =) It felt good... Felt like, i was alive... But i know, with me? It's always "Grass is always greener on the other side"... So even if i go back and work at Brussels, soon enough ill start complaining about working there.. And i know for sure, cos' BS has lost it's feel alr.. It's not the same anymore. Gavin's gone, Mark's gone, Fid's gone, so many people that defined BS last time, is gone.. =(

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I need to buy more clothes... I need to treat my uncle to a good dinner for introducing me this job... I need to treat my family... I need to treat my friends... I need to drink...

Ok.. Those are NOT needs.. WANTS... I want... Want want want... =D

K BYE.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I dont think i will have the time to blog every day anymore. Since i started work. Its different..

To cut the story short about work. I cried to my dad yesterday about how disappointed i am at myself over work. That's about it... =)

Ok. So apart from that... My brother, Wilson, is now a SIR! An OFFICE-SIR! Yes he is an officer because i went with my family and Clar to his commisioning parade last Saturday. It was nice. Nobody cried. Was a happy occasion. Although i feel that some happy tears would have dramatised the situation and made it better. But it was good. =) My brother's friends are hott... =) LOL. He hates that i have eyes for his friends... He's always criticizing my taste anyway. Wonder when will my brother ever go "YEAH BALLS! THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT!!" .. I always do that for him. I dun criticise his taste. Unless its really damn bad... LOL...

So, I havent been eating well lately. Stress and stress i guess. Just stress... I feel lousy... And I've been drinking.. But not because i feel sad... Just that we were all in the mood. And i needed alchohol to make me happier.. So alcohol did the trick... Even though i broke down once, i dun think the alcohol did it. cos i drank little. I just needed an excuse to cry in front of everyone and tell them how fucking sad i am.. HAHA...

No matter how we hate to admit it.. Crying in front of others, helps sometimes... Makes us feel like we're important. Unless you cry and your friends go " fuck you crybaby, so old alr still cry.. you useless or you stupid?" or as danny would put it.. "Are you born stupid or grew up retarded?"

Anyhoooos, yeah... Life a bit of a mess right now. But i do appreciate the support i get from my family and friends. Every weekend nights spent with Danny, Isk, Harris and all, has made me a happier person. Every weekday nights spent at home has reminded me of what love actually is.. So... Im contented... Even though loneliness hits in at times, im okay... =)

My dad msged me today ...

"A strong person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say "I'm ok" with a smile. it is perfectly ok to tear when you are sad. everyone will go through this learning process and once you go thru it, u will be a better person. Trust me, Be strong and learn as much as you can. Manage your expectations and pressure. As often as i say, I will always be at your side. Papa and Mummy will always be with you no matter what happens."

This also goes out to all my friends and family members who feels like shit... =)
Its gonna be ok.. =)

GTG. Lunch time over!! =)

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

QUICK POST

Attended my uncle's wedding the other day. Was fun. Great seeing him finally getting married. The guy that solemnised them was funny. Almost made me cry though. Cos he kept emphasizing on life partnering and how you have to protect, love and live with your partner forever. And how you must commit. And go thru shits tgt. GREAT. I need to find a husband. I feel lonely at times.

I didnt have a partner at the wedding. Which made it worse cos my bro and my cousin brought their gf. I felt fucking stupid. But it was ok. Cos it was fun. Saw my grandparents siblings. Rmb, miss my grandparents so much..

K. GTG.
BYE LOVE

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

STEALING A POST FROM AMALINA'S BLOG.

Some how, I feel exactly the same way... Almost everyday... even til now...
Wish I could tell her the feeling like this won't last... But it does... =\

"Times like this is when im in desperate need of happiness.sometimes when i think i feel sadness for too long,i dont even know where to begin to find happiness again. and when i tot im feeling happy,things go the other way round again. And i get fed up with everything.i started to blame anything/anyone else for not making the situation better. till to the point i just cant be bothered anymore,and dats when i feel happier.When i just dont bother......BUT it always end short and the whole emotional cycle comes around again. Most of the time,the heart just aches and it still does...

especially when things just go wrong..

was just caught up in the moment of frustrations and things get bad...

im still sorry dear friend.haiz.

my life will be so much better just to know tt u still care.
I dunnoe how long this will take.i seriously have no idea.it just takes time,and i need to get use to it..and at the end of the day,i will know the answers to all this."

Yeah... That's how it is... That's how it still is... Sometimes i get angry at my friends and stop talking to them because now i depend on them to find happiness. So when they arent making me happy, I immeidately naturally start to feel like nobody loves me... Yet ultimately, i know my friends and FAMILY are all i have left.

Yes.. And I dont know hwere happiness starts... I mean, how do you feel something you feel like has been stolen away from you? HOW? LOL..

K. Lunch time finish liaoooooo..... BACK TO WORK!!!

TAKE CARE PEOPLE!!! GO FIND THE PERSON WHO STOLE YOUR HAPPY... ~~AND.... SHOW HIM YOUR NEW HAPPY!!~~ =D

Fuck positivity... =(

Monday, September 06, 2010

New Job started. My 4 th day today.

Am slightly early at work so decided to sneak in a post. No time for pictures.

Sorry. =(

Celebrated dad's birthday at KUISHINBO last night before sending Wilson back to camp.

Was fun. Had fun. Bought Dad a coin pouch that he has been wanting to get since his is old.

Went home. Sleep cos today i had to wake up at 5 am... =( Sucks. Somehow i wished i stayed at jurong.. =\

Went to visit my grandparents's ashes yesterday too. I cried abit but had to hide the tears cos everyone else was there..

I miss her. I miss my grandma... =( And I cried at night cos i missed her. And i dunno what came over me. I started talking to her. Out loud. Asking her where she is and if she is listening. Then i told her about the shit im going through. And all the memories of her looking after me and her last few months came floating back. Then i cried myself to sleep.

Sigh. I wish she was still around. I never knew how much she made me happy untril she was gone. Crap.

Oh yah. Some thoughts came to me this morning while i was taking the train. About life and the devil and such. No time to blog about that. =) Another time..

Bye.