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mandy-low @blogspot.com ♥
Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Favourite song, for now...


Well, life sucks baaaaaad for now...
Everything's screwing up and im not even joking.
My family aint doing so good anymore.
My pillar's kinda broken down.
I dont feel the need to live.
But apparently, some stupid cell in my brain, keeps telling me.
I still need to. For certain reasons.

I want to run away..
I really wanna run away and hide.
Fuck responsibility and fuck being adult and grown up.
Fuck facing the problems and biting the bullet.
Fuck all the bad things and fuck everything else that comes with it.
Just run away... Run away and come back when i feel like it.
I want to run.... To a far away land. Or just die.

I wanna lie in bed all day.
Watch movies until i slowly fade away.
I wanna cry all day....
But i dun wanna need anyone.
It's irritating.
This need, for someone.
Someone special to think that im someone special.
Someone special to treat me like im someone special.
It's stupid.
Women are stupid.
We are needy...
We are weak.
That is why we should only belong in the kitchen.
All this pain wouldnt be so evident if once i grew up,
I was raise and breeded in the kitchen and married off to a man.
Who keeps me only in the kitchen.
Make love, make babies, pretend to like me life.
If i dont like my life, itll only be because my husband whacks and abuse me.
Even then, i have a higher chance of dying.

Now im just left with the thought of wanting to die.
And the feeling of wanting to run away...

Nobody understands.
Cos all of you just gonna say im stupid and irrational and useless..
Ha.. Think i dunno that already?
Thats why i wanna die, bitches.
So yeah.. Different people have different limits to the shit life gives.
I guess im just nearing mine...

You see, while im typing all this...
You guys prolly think "Mandy's being stupid and suicidal"
NOOPE! Not suicidal yet.
Dont have the guts to be.
I wish i had though...

Sum it all up.
Shit with friends aint going well.
Shit with family aint going well.
Shit with work aint going well at all.
Shit with love aint going well.

I have nothing.
I have nothing nice to live for, for now.
Yeah, everything seem so nice collaboratively.
Now you ask me to look at everything singularly.
They just dont seem so nice anymore.

Let me explain,
Of course.
My brother is still my brother even if shit happens.
But now, I have to love him seperately.
Not collaboratively.
Maybe in this sense, im still conservative.
Cos family IS family.
Family is a big group of people, you are born to love.

So yeah. I feel stupid, lousy and i dun need you guys to tell me what a loser im being.
I wanna run and hide so bad. SO FUCKING BAD.
You guys have no idea.
I am not strong.
I am not strong at all.
Im not all i put myself out to be.
Im not awesome.
All this shit sucked all the awesome-ness out of me.
In cases like this, when everything screws up at the same time?
I cant just stop being sad and be awesome instead.
I cant do it wing woman style.
I cant be Barney.
I wish i can. I wish i had an on/off button..

But on the other note.
I am very appreciative of the people who have been listening out for me.
Vey very appreciative of those who have been supportive, honest and helpful.
Those who tryto make everything seem better.
Those who screwed up that part too.
at least you tried...

I realised these days, reasons why men are better when things really go wrong.
Women are only good when you THINK things are going wrong and/or wnats things to go wrong.

Women tend to think selfishly at times of trouble.
and they let their emotions rule their fucking head.
They dun think about others.
They are TOO emotional.
They know it.
But they do shit to change it.
Maybe cos they cant, like me.
Or maybe cos they're oblivious to the fact that they're being unreasonable stupid over certain issues.
I dunno. But women? Totallu screwed up.

God must have screwed someting up during production.
I wish more women think with their pusssy like men than with their hearts.
The hearts tend to lie.

Why do i say this?
Women like to compare like nobody's business.
Im sick of this shit.
They like to compare who treat them better than who.
Who is more important than who.
Who is better than who?
Who makes them feel better than who?
When they weigh all those. WITH EMOTIONS!!
Tehy end up with stupid conclusions.
And they fuck care what they really mean to others.

MEN! On the other hand, see hard facts...
They base their theory on who really has been there.
And they think properly before they talk in messy situations.
They dont just blast their minds off, following their stupid emotions.
They try to justify it by being honest and straightforward.
Thats not it guys.
Women? Are manipulative fucks.
That screw with your mind.

See what im doing now?
Im comparing... WHY??
cos im a fucking woman.. Typical..

Sigh... its every man for himself.
But i can tell you.
Women can turn their head on you, the second they walk away from you.
And they are the best pretenders.
They can hate you while they give you your comfort hug.
They can think you're the lousiest person on earth while they joke to you about how awesome you are.

Then again, men can do the same.
Maybe men is only better cos they follow on with this lie..
Unlike women, they can only pretend for so long...
After awhile its like they reached their limit and they cant pretend to like you anymore.
And they dun tell you subtly.  They burst.
Men just stop hanging out with you... and you should get the hint.
If you dont, they'll just leave you out of big events and hope you get the hint.
If you still dont, they torture you with acts to screw you up.

Well suck balls..
These next few weeks gonna be hell for me.
These few weeks im gonna hate life.
And Im not even gonna pretend i like it.
Im not even gonna pretend that im happy about all thats happening.

I want someone special..
Here, just to spend watsed time with me, and tell me every 5 minutes that all this shits gonna go away soon.
Just hug me and tell me its gonna be alright.
And make me alugh with silly acts and jokes.
Watch how i met your mother with me.
Bring me to swings all around singapore and watch me while i play. Or just play with me.
Sing out loud when we are at the highest point of swinging.
I want someone who will call me princess. Treat me like a fucking princess.
Dont want shopping dont want clothes dont want money.
Just want someone to be full of hugs and kisses.
To be full of smiles. Smile my smile for me.
Feel my pain.. And understand that right now i cant be awesome.
be awesome for me.
Just want a special someone, doesnt have to be my boyfriend.
Just for now, being my soulmate.
Send me flowers with cards to tell me that everythings gonna be alright...
That even if the world falls apart. And i really do choose to die.
He's gonna be there for me. I dunno how.
But the tone he uses and the way he says it gonna convince me that that's achievable.
I want that person to know that every 5 minutes i feel like breaking down.
To know that everything in me is broken and slowly fading away.
And help me to catch back whatever is left of me.
build me up. Show me future is still nice.

But fuck that.
Cos no god is THAT good to anyone.
And there is no god.
So none of that shits gonna happen.
Not even relatively.'

So im gonna fucking die.
No soulmate.
No pretentious kind of love.
No crap.
And if like what you guys say?
I pull through this shit?
Im still gonna wanna die.
Cos the next shit thats gonna come, is prolly not so far away.
Once again i emphasize, life is full of shit.
When you think the worse is over.
It out beats itself.
its like the moments are chalenging in a competition.
Who is shittier??
Well, currently this moments wins...
I call this moment, "Moment ESU (Everything Screws Up)"

sigh. Fucking failure.
Cant even go thru this kinda shit strong.
dun wanna be a woman.
Dun wanna be emotional.
Dun wanna wear my emotions on my sleeve.
dun wanna be weak and susceptible to these screw ups.

Why must everything go wrong at the same low point?
Why cant just SOME things go wrong?
When i was just about to start fixing up some wrongs.
Something else screws up!!!
I miss my Mama..
I wanna die and go to where ever she is.
Look at earth and laugh. Laugh the biggest laugh ever.
And say that im all over life.