This is me. Call me CRAZY.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Something i think fits very well for Keong's situation.
Dunno??

AND...!! One of MY Wedding song is going to be...!!

ANYWAYS.....
I realise a very common phenomenon.
When we are at the twenties and mid-twenties,
we look back on ourselves in our teenage years and we laugh.
SO FUCKING UGLY THEN!!
When we're in our thirties,
we look back on when we were 20 and go,
"WOW, prime time... I was rockin' it baby"...
Then when we're 40, that i dunno... I havent reached that realization yet...
But fuck!

I just saw a OLD picture of me when i was in sec 2 i think.
And i looked UGLY!! Fucking fat and UGLY!
Not that there's much improvements now.
But i think its safe to say that i look better now than i did 5 years ago.
Maybe its the way i dress or the way i portray myself.
But when i think about it,
I think i had more confidence then, than i did now.
When i was 15, i didnt care what i could have and what i couldnt have.
I just went for it.
I knew i like somebody, and even if i know its impossible cos im totally not their type.
I totally go for it and do the silliest stupidest thing a school girl can do.
Confess her feelings to boys that she KNEW dont like her back.

NOW? Sigh....
They say fear comes with age...
Wariness come with experiences...
I dunno what else they say..
But the point is that,
as we grow older...
We lose courage...
We lose the balls to do things we would have done with a blink of an eye
when we were younger.
Now when i want to do something, or when i feel something.
I think, and i hesitate.
WHY?
For the fear....
Fear of rejection, fear of being broken again.
Fear of losing something again...
Fear of me myself being the reason that i lose something important.
Fear of screwing up and bringing others down with me.
Fear of being judged that im 20 and still unable to think properly.
Fear that ill end up being a dissapointment to those i love.

THESE FEARS...
Elevates with age....
Because we feeeeeeed this monstrous fears...
We give them what they need....
We give them life.... =(
Something we cant just run away from....

I think i have a fear of life...
And everything that comes along with it...
Maybe not the serious kind of phobia...
But i think i have a kind of fear that even i dun noe about...
Everyday i live my life thinking whats in store next?
What's life gonna do to me next?
Steal away some other life that i care about?
Take away someone i care so much about?
Screw me up and then leave me to struggle?
Watch me feel my insides burn up and slowly fade away?
Watch me give up and laugh at my face?

Life is my the devil to me...
Life isnt god's gift....
Life is what the devil gave us...
To watch us suffer...
There's always 2 ways to look at things...
Sometimes 3... if you know what i mean..
BUT! Point is, i dont think life is a gift....
I really dun think so...
Although i always associate new born babies and cute little toddlers with the word "god's gift"..
Its just a matter of speech...
They're beautiful...
Im not denyin the fact that there's lotsa beautiful stuff in this world..
Im just saying... The devil like sto get you side tracked...
Just when you thank god for the things that goes well for you...
HE screws you up... and laughs in your face for thinking this is all god's work...
LOL...

I can totally make a sadistic move out of this...
Like a dark evil movie... And explain my point of view about life through my making of the movie.
I wish i had a talent to do that.
To write a script about it...
I'll be rich and famous..
And ill have the devil to thank for..
Now, isnt that just great?? =D

Sooooooo, weekend wasn't uber great.
As you can already tell from my blogging style today.
What was great was i finally got drunk.
So drunk i had to be carried by my 2 very hunky and awesome friends.
I dunno how else i embarrassed myself.
Alll i knwo is got drunk.
And i felt sooo bad for putting them 2 through that...
I tot they would never live to see the day i get that high...
I was wrong.
Never underestimate the strength of alcohol...
Screw that... What's worse is the pain...
THE PAIN!!! THE EXCRUCIATING PAIN!!!!
I felt when i was drunk.. The pain in my gastric/stomach or wherever...
That pain is like something was eating my insides...

And that pain? Combined with the fact that i was high...
Made me cry in pain like a baby...
Which i think is what made the guys worried and panicky...
But yeap.. They got me home safe and sound...
although not entirely cleaned up..
But there's only so much two very gentlemanly guys can do for a drunken ass girl..
So i woke up with a hangover, which i havent gotten in a long time.
And also, i woke up with the excruciating pain still there..

I tot eating would do me some good.
So i ate..And i puked...
I tot it was due to the drinking.
So i waited till the hangover is recovered...
WHile doing that i drank some milk to try and satisfy my grumbling tummy.
But nooo! That bastard would give up..
Whole day of Sunday i was crotched up in bed and on the sofa..
Trying to watch tv and do things to stay away from the pain.
Ate medicine from whatever i can find... Drank hot water trying to burn the apin away from the stomach.
I tot hot water seems a good idea cos it gives me 1 second of comfort... after i swallow..

Monday came.. I went to work like a zombie...
Puked even though i had nothing left to puke...
My colleagues decided i should go home.
Which i am grateful for because i swear i would have fainted if i had to face the computer for 2 more seconds.
Got to the doctor and he's putting me on meds...
He says if it doesnt get anybetter after about a month of taking the meds.
Ill have to go for a scope and they wil examine further treatments after getting agood look at what inside me.
Stupid bastardy acid eating up my insides...
I hope the medicine kills them motherfuckers.
OH! And i also learnt something new...
SMOKING affect gastric acids and all!! WOW!
WOW RIGHT?? I mean all along i tot drinking was the devil...
Smoking is actually almost just as bad as drinking for my case!
So the doctor asked me to cut down on both...
But he was understanding.
for the first time, he's the first person that told me my drinking problem isnt a problem.
It's only a problem when i wake up in the morning and the first thing i wanna do is drink.

Doesnt apply to me. I had drinking when i just wake up...
Not that i've done much of it...
But it sucks... Drinking is happy..
Waking up and going to drinking straight away.. Thats pathetic..
LOL ... after i say this i better make sure i dun end up an alcoholic...
But Dr. Tan says im okay.. Im good... Dun worry about the drinking.
He ask me to worry more about eating regularly and always eat before i drink.
And stop smoking... HAHA. He actually said a louder okay to drinking but a not so okay to smoking.
Which shocked me. I always tot drinking is much worse a habit than smoking.
MAYBE DR. TAN DRINKS TOO!! OMG...! That just occurred to me!!

MAYBE HE DOES!! WOW...
Total revelation... It'll be cool if my doctor drinks... lol..
Then i know im not the only one thats crazy about drinking...
But on that note, i have to say...
I'll be trying my best to stop drinking...
No more little sneaks at the bottles displayed on my pathetic "bar top".
Maybe once in awhile if its a good night out and everyone's in the mood.
Maybe just then, ill drink..
Other than that i think ill try to stop... Cos drinking is expensive too.

And my MOOLAAAHS are burning fast..
Dunno how, dunno why...
I need to stay on track with the saving thing...
Sigh... Life's bitch without much money...
So yup...

So much for blogging... I dun feel any better now than i did 20 minutes ago... =/
and the medicines arent working..
I need stronger pain killers...
But Dr. Tan say stronger pain killer is injection.
And he cant inject me everyday.
Trust me... Injection painkillers work like magic...
though only for a few hours.... still works like magic... =)

OKAYS!! Gonna go watch some tv now...
I like the show BONES... Awesome...
Makes me wanna be expert at something.. LOL.
Something good... i mean... =)

K BYE.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Like Barney & Robin before they got together.
Minus the hooking up.
Thats its.... Thats just it.... Maybe that why i like HIMYM so much.
I feel how it feels to be Barney in that situation.
Plus yeah. Im awesome. =D
LOL.

YEAP! EXACTLY like Barney & Robin.
Minus the sex and the hooking up and the end up together part.
Screw it. I like the part that they're close friends and even if they dont end up together.
I think its awesome enough.

The part that he says "I'm just a guy who's in love with that girl. And she'll never feel the same way."
That part? Says it all. What media do to girls like me?
Give me false hopes. But i know, its false hopes.
Its obvious, he's out of my league. =)
And im fine with that... TOTALLY... LOL!...

Awright.. Weekends YO!!! Awesome or what?? =)
Sand-to-the-Toe-to-the-Sa baby... =D
Cant wait...

Drinks baby.. I cant wait for the drinking part. WOOO!
Need alcohol to get this shits out of my system...
Stooooopid feelings get in the way of happiness all the time... LOL.
I need to loosen up...

Oh by the way? I just got confirmed...
CONFIRMED! WOW... I guess im sticking to this job for longer than planned.

Okay... Gotta go get ready now.. BYE! =)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Havent been updating for awhile now.
Been busy. Mostly with work. And drinking.
The other times that im not doing that im either hanging out with the LepaKings or just at home.

From tomorrow til Monday, ill be all alone at home.
Which sounds exciting. Yet a little scary.
I have issues with loneliness.
I've never liked being alone for too long.
I always need someone i love near me.
My parents & Bryan are going to Malaysia.
My brother Wilson is gonna stay in camp cos there's a new batch of dragons coming in.
I guess im all on my own.

Stocked up on food just now so that i can cook and feel independant.
If not ill just starve.
But with the thought of food around the house at least ill get my ass down to some cooking.
Im too lazy to shop for groceries when im alone.
6 days. Like field camp. LOL. Just without the field.

So anyway, how have i been?
Ive been okayy. Not much different.
Still think about the shit in the past from time to time.
Still miss having Allen around from time to time.
Regret certain things. Feel sorry for certain things.
Miss some friends that came and went.

I dunno. Maybe im so addicted to drinking cos it makes me feel young and immature.
And young and immature me doesnt hurt as much as grown up mature me.
So yeah. Im just afraid that the loneliness the next 6 days will drive me to drink at home.
And i need to at least stay sober on weekday nights. cos of work.

Well, i guess we'll see huh.

So yup. Isk has been in camp for couple of weeks now.
Wonder how Afiqa's holding up.
She'd better be holding up.
Or Isk will blame me for not looking after his byyyyyy....
AFIQA IF YOU'RE READING THIS!!!
HOLD UP!!! HOLD UP GOOOOOOOOD!!!

And yeap.
I got a msg for Keong too.
Keong, you gotta stay strong.
you gotta believe that you can clean urself up.
whether its for her or for yourself.
You clean yourself up good and you keep on trying.
If it doesnt work out, yeah balls.
We get get out our Kleenex and we can drink all sorts of beer.
But we'll pull through it.
I know it seems tough now and it seems like nobody understand the pain you're going thru.
I know you've always felt fucked up in situations that you were not given a second chance.
But this fight isnt over.
Until you feel like there's absolutely no chance in hell you can get her back.
It isnt over. So clean yourself up. and show her.
We all make mistakes.
But if we clean up after that good enough.
I guess thats when the second chance comes.
Maybe not immediately. Maybe we wont get exactly what we want when we want it.
But if ultimately it gets us there. All the effort and pain we go thru now, i guess it'll be worth it.
Just be sure. Be sure of what you want and your reasons for wanting them.
I'll be rooting for your happiness til you get it. =)

On the other hand, im rooting for my own happiness too.
But i guess i still havent found mine. or felt mine.
like someone stole it away. FOR FAR TOO LONG!!
It been a year... A whole fucking year.
I need some external love soon or i swear i might end up a spinster.
I need hugs and kisses. I need goodnight messages.
I still need to like someone who likes me back... =(
Kind of suck.

You know i've been wondering?
How it would be like if Allen and I had 1 more day together.
Just one more 24 hours. What would we do?
How would it feel like? Like old times?
Would we fuck all the bullshit and just act like we just got together?
Kiss awesomely, love awesomely, hug awesomely, look at each other with so much passion.
Would we? I mean, i think i could. I could fuck all the shit and pretend for 1 day...
Just for that day, we were fucking awesome together.
But then again, thats how we spend our 2nd year anniversary.
And after that, things still went kaput.

I guess i had what i want now then.
But i never knew it. Til now.
I never knew that on 19th Dec 2009, it would have been the last real happy moment we had together.
Maybe thats why i felt fucked up that night.
When he had to leave.
Sigh. Fucked up feelings thinking about it.
I should be over it by now.

Still rmb the process of trying to get over the fact that i lost it.
That i lost the relationship i cherished the most since i started to learn how to love.
Those talks i had. those tears i wept.
Those emotions i tried to keep in place.
Those efforts i put in to try to tallk things out.
Fuck nothing worked.

Where am i now when it comes to Allen?
Still the same exact place he left me a year ago.
And thats fucked up.
Hate to admit it. Dont get me wrong guys.
I do wanna move on.
Really i do. So much so im willing to pay for it.
But it doesnt work. Nothing works.
Like the fucking memories of what we share is some unbreakable bind.
binding my fucking heart and soul to the fact that i love? loved? him.

CB. Im frustrated at myself for talking so much about this.
But i need somewhere to let this out.
And recently, there havent been anywhere for me to say these out.
Nobody wants to listen to a lovesick girl for a whole damn year.
and im happy just pretending allen means nothing to me anymore.

SO!!! Apart from that, maybe in Dec ill be going to Hat Yai.
Lets see how wild i can get.
Im going to go as far as the money i have brings me.
I will test my level of courage.
I will test my level of experience.
I will test my level of willingness.
I want to go crazy.
And if i die there, it'll kinda suck.
I dun wanna die in Hat Yai.

Talking about holidays.
My Perth trip was awesome.
Went nuts. Kinda felt awesome.
Danced. Clubbed. Casino-ed. Drank.
Shopped. Talk cock with colleagues.
And talking about colleagues.
I think.. I think... I think.. there's this guys who catches my eye...

LOL. But its a forbidden fruit for more reasons than one.
MANY reasons. He's like a big NO-NO!
Although, in Perth, i think... we made good connection..
LOL. Not THAT kind of connection.
But we shared some awesome moments.
But i think its as far as how sexciting my perth trip was.
Many told me that i should have just fucked and go.
But i think i grew up. ONE forbidden fruit too many.
LOL.

But it was goooooooood~~ =) Im happier now after talking about my forbidden fruit.. =)
And also, my colleagues and i are bonding quite well.
Although work still sucks cos there's a whole load of shit to do and im still pretty damn blur about many things.
I think i can stay a little longer. No harm trying to elarn as much as i can.
Been thinking about being a teacher.
Or going on a crash diet and becoming a air stewardess or a airline cabin crew.
Seems ambitious yes... I know..
But no harm trying. I wanna experience the world before i grow old and become too depressed to do anything about my life.

AWRIGHTs. too much words.. =)

GOODNIGHT!!! =) Thanks for listening(reading) guys.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Wow. I can blog with my phone. Watch SCV with my phone. Youtube or google anything. I have found new meaning in life guys. Thanks to dataplan. Wow. While I was busy discriminating iphone loverss. I haven't been living. Lol.

Ok. Exaggeration. But still......

Ok. Anyway. Today watched a movie RED by bruce willis. Fell in love with that man in the show. Bruce willis is HOT. Hes super charming. He can win my hear anytime. With him ill die hard. Lol!!!

Sleep time. Gnite.

By the way. Just for the records. I really do hope everything turns out well for keong. He hasn't been too good lately. Too many wrong decisions and bad timing. But things will get better. It will.

:)

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Well, been awhile since i blogged.
What has changed in this time?
Im going to Perth guyssssss....
PEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRTTTTHHHHH.....

GOOD BYE TO YOU ALL....
I WILL MISS YOU....
I WILL BE BACK!!!!

****
****
****
****

***

Was just wondering....

***

*****

*****

*****

*****

****

****

How many of you really thought that i was going off to perth for good?
HAHA... Company Trip to Perth.

Okays.. So Isk is going Army soon.
Danny's in OCS.
TK is in BMT.
Harris is schooling.
Yeni is schooling.
Fateha is working.
I am working.

Nobody has any time any more.. =(
Life sucks .. Real bad...
I wanna be a child...
=(