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mandy-low @blogspot.com ♥
Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Havent been updating for awhile now.
Been busy. Mostly with work. And drinking.
The other times that im not doing that im either hanging out with the LepaKings or just at home.

From tomorrow til Monday, ill be all alone at home.
Which sounds exciting. Yet a little scary.
I have issues with loneliness.
I've never liked being alone for too long.
I always need someone i love near me.
My parents & Bryan are going to Malaysia.
My brother Wilson is gonna stay in camp cos there's a new batch of dragons coming in.
I guess im all on my own.

Stocked up on food just now so that i can cook and feel independant.
If not ill just starve.
But with the thought of food around the house at least ill get my ass down to some cooking.
Im too lazy to shop for groceries when im alone.
6 days. Like field camp. LOL. Just without the field.

So anyway, how have i been?
Ive been okayy. Not much different.
Still think about the shit in the past from time to time.
Still miss having Allen around from time to time.
Regret certain things. Feel sorry for certain things.
Miss some friends that came and went.

I dunno. Maybe im so addicted to drinking cos it makes me feel young and immature.
And young and immature me doesnt hurt as much as grown up mature me.
So yeah. Im just afraid that the loneliness the next 6 days will drive me to drink at home.
And i need to at least stay sober on weekday nights. cos of work.

Well, i guess we'll see huh.

So yup. Isk has been in camp for couple of weeks now.
Wonder how Afiqa's holding up.
She'd better be holding up.
Or Isk will blame me for not looking after his byyyyyy....

And yeap.
I got a msg for Keong too.
Keong, you gotta stay strong.
you gotta believe that you can clean urself up.
whether its for her or for yourself.
You clean yourself up good and you keep on trying.
If it doesnt work out, yeah balls.
We get get out our Kleenex and we can drink all sorts of beer.
But we'll pull through it.
I know it seems tough now and it seems like nobody understand the pain you're going thru.
I know you've always felt fucked up in situations that you were not given a second chance.
But this fight isnt over.
Until you feel like there's absolutely no chance in hell you can get her back.
It isnt over. So clean yourself up. and show her.
We all make mistakes.
But if we clean up after that good enough.
I guess thats when the second chance comes.
Maybe not immediately. Maybe we wont get exactly what we want when we want it.
But if ultimately it gets us there. All the effort and pain we go thru now, i guess it'll be worth it.
Just be sure. Be sure of what you want and your reasons for wanting them.
I'll be rooting for your happiness til you get it. =)

On the other hand, im rooting for my own happiness too.
But i guess i still havent found mine. or felt mine.
like someone stole it away. FOR FAR TOO LONG!!
It been a year... A whole fucking year.
I need some external love soon or i swear i might end up a spinster.
I need hugs and kisses. I need goodnight messages.
I still need to like someone who likes me back... =(
Kind of suck.

You know i've been wondering?
How it would be like if Allen and I had 1 more day together.
Just one more 24 hours. What would we do?
How would it feel like? Like old times?
Would we fuck all the bullshit and just act like we just got together?
Kiss awesomely, love awesomely, hug awesomely, look at each other with so much passion.
Would we? I mean, i think i could. I could fuck all the shit and pretend for 1 day...
Just for that day, we were fucking awesome together.
But then again, thats how we spend our 2nd year anniversary.
And after that, things still went kaput.

I guess i had what i want now then.
But i never knew it. Til now.
I never knew that on 19th Dec 2009, it would have been the last real happy moment we had together.
Maybe thats why i felt fucked up that night.
When he had to leave.
Sigh. Fucked up feelings thinking about it.
I should be over it by now.

Still rmb the process of trying to get over the fact that i lost it.
That i lost the relationship i cherished the most since i started to learn how to love.
Those talks i had. those tears i wept.
Those emotions i tried to keep in place.
Those efforts i put in to try to tallk things out.
Fuck nothing worked.

Where am i now when it comes to Allen?
Still the same exact place he left me a year ago.
And thats fucked up.
Hate to admit it. Dont get me wrong guys.
I do wanna move on.
Really i do. So much so im willing to pay for it.
But it doesnt work. Nothing works.
Like the fucking memories of what we share is some unbreakable bind.
binding my fucking heart and soul to the fact that i love? loved? him.

CB. Im frustrated at myself for talking so much about this.
But i need somewhere to let this out.
And recently, there havent been anywhere for me to say these out.
Nobody wants to listen to a lovesick girl for a whole damn year.
and im happy just pretending allen means nothing to me anymore.

SO!!! Apart from that, maybe in Dec ill be going to Hat Yai.
Lets see how wild i can get.
Im going to go as far as the money i have brings me.
I will test my level of courage.
I will test my level of experience.
I will test my level of willingness.
I want to go crazy.
And if i die there, it'll kinda suck.
I dun wanna die in Hat Yai.

Talking about holidays.
My Perth trip was awesome.
Went nuts. Kinda felt awesome.
Danced. Clubbed. Casino-ed. Drank.
Shopped. Talk cock with colleagues.
And talking about colleagues.
I think.. I think... I think.. there's this guys who catches my eye...

LOL. But its a forbidden fruit for more reasons than one.
MANY reasons. He's like a big NO-NO!
Although, in Perth, i think... we made good connection..
LOL. Not THAT kind of connection.
But we shared some awesome moments.
But i think its as far as how sexciting my perth trip was.
Many told me that i should have just fucked and go.
But i think i grew up. ONE forbidden fruit too many.

But it was goooooooood~~ =) Im happier now after talking about my forbidden fruit.. =)
And also, my colleagues and i are bonding quite well.
Although work still sucks cos there's a whole load of shit to do and im still pretty damn blur about many things.
I think i can stay a little longer. No harm trying to elarn as much as i can.
Been thinking about being a teacher.
Or going on a crash diet and becoming a air stewardess or a airline cabin crew.
Seems ambitious yes... I know..
But no harm trying. I wanna experience the world before i grow old and become too depressed to do anything about my life.

AWRIGHTs. too much words.. =)

GOODNIGHT!!! =) Thanks for listening(reading) guys.