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Sunday, May 22, 2011

Just need a place to do a qucik chat with myself... lol.. to note down this wierd moment thaqt im feeling so many emotions.. lol...

So anyways, Nobody reads this blog... so fuck it... im just gonna use real names and say out everything cos im sick of hiding these feelings...

Danny is back from Thailand. And im sad and happy and excited and feeling weird too.
Sad that when he was away he didnt really msg me much. Not that i expected him to. But it would have been nice. And happy that he's back safe and sound. And excited to be able to see him again. Weird cos suddenly today i woke up and saw his msg i felt like i really NEED to tell him how i feel for him.

But when i switched on the television, i found myself telling myself to not be stupid. And all the past conversations i had with everyone about me liking him start to rush back to me. ANd my heart and my brain declared war... I wanna tell him so badly i like him. I like him very very much and although for the past few years lotsa stuff happened in between to us individually. I liked him since the day i knew he existed. I just never knew how much it grew since we started hanging out.

And everytime i see him i get happy and i get neervous. Happy that "OMG IT'S DANNY!!!"... Nervous that i won't be able to hold it in any longer annd ill just tell him that i really really like him. Dont get me wrong guys. I like him. I like his personality and i like the way he looks and the way he acts and most of the time, the way he treats me. Doesnt mean i want a relationship out of him. So many times i figured that it's just wishful thinking on my part. And after i read the book " The Secret" ... I tried to tell myself it's reachable. It's possible. Danny can totally like me back... Cos they say if you think it, it happens. But you must act it... The later part of the book states you must act like it has already happened. That Danny already likes me..

But then, i guess im not a Master of The Secret yet. Cos everytime i thought that he knows i like him and that for a little bit, he feels like he can like me too? I realise, it IS wishful thinking. He treats me like how he treats all his friends. He just doesnt have much close friends who are girls. He treats everyone he cares for with the same attitude. And he doesnt like me. Not at all.. He just treats me as a friend. nothing more and nothing less.

And the more i think about it the more respect i have for him because if he can be so nice to me even if he doesnt like me. Imagine how nice he would be if he liked me? Could it be im thinking waaaaay too much into things? Dun wonder. It's true. Everytime i think about it. I end up with the same conclusion... DON'T DO IT MANDY!!! Don't ruin the fucking status quo... Don't fucking try and try to hard just to fall...

So anyway, yes. I like Danny... I like Danny!!! I really really like Danny!!! And every body fucking knows!!! EXCEPT HIM!!! Everyone gets it!!! Except him!!! Maybe he knows. There's a possiblity he knows. But point is, he didnt figure it out by me telling him. And i didnt get to see the reaction about him figuring out that i like him. That he knows FOR SURE that i like him. And i always wonder how the conversation will go if one day i really do decide to fuck all, and tell him how i feel...

Me: "Danny, i have lotsa stuff to tell you. Firstly, i like you. I really REALLY like you. I liked you for a long time and i didnt dare to tell you straight cos i was afraid it would affect our friendship and it would screw up more than just OUR friendship. It'll screw up the whole flow of the whole group of friends. Im telling you this not expecting you to reciprocate this feelings. Nor is it to dig a relationship out of you. There are only 2 reasons why im telling you. Cos i really really like you and its hard to keep it in. I know its for selfish reasons but if i dun tell you, ill suffer... Ill suffer not knowing how exactly you feel for me... 2ndly, i need it to end. This feeling of always wondering whether there is possibility.  The undying stupid hope of mine. I keep trying to stop this feeling but i can't. So im hoping maybe you can. You can help me to either try harder, and hopefully successfuly, to stop liking you. Or you can help me to like you even more. Either way it goes, i need help with this and i can tell the whole world how much i like you but none of them can help with these feelings. Except you. I really really like you. But more than liking you, i really really hope that however this conversation turns out to be. That it wont affect the awesome friendship that we have built thru the years. And i hope that you guys wun kick me out of the group for being such a stupid full of emotions fucked up woman. Cos i know on my side that no matter how this turns out, i treat you and the the guys as my very treasured friends. And if this stupid move of mine ruins it. I may feel so much better about my feelings for you, cos it has a complete closure already. But ill never forgive myself for losing my friendship with you guys just for my selfish reasons. I dun ask you to like me back or to explain why, if you dont like me, why have you been so uber nice to me.. I just need to know.. Should i like you more? Or should i stop?"

Danny: " What? *stares right back at me* Why you tell me?"

Me: " Dont tell you tell who?"

Danny: " I dunno.. stop?"

Me: "well, oh fuck.. yup thanks for listening. Lets go for a drink.. "

Thats roughly how i figure itll turn out.. But i havent got the guts to pull it off yet... No matter how many times i practise this speech in my mind.. Everytime i have the chance to do it. I chicken out. Or i find it so stupid i knock the senses out of me and start to act all hyper so it'll cover up what i really wanna do. Or ill just act sad and pissed. Cos then at least its not longing or loving ness thats coming out of me... Lol.. Im saying as if i can control my feeling so well. In actual fact. I can't... I don't act all pissed and sad or hyper.. It happens as it is, cos i just let wtv else feelinsg take control.

So anyway, apart from the whole Danny thing.

I need a Thai Girlfriend or Boyfriend. Eh wait, oh fuck.. No no no.. I don't want Thai Girlfriend... Cos wait.. WHY? ALLEN HAS A FUCKING THAI GIRLFRIEND!!! LOLOLOL!!! Fucking hilarious. It's like everything around me has been circling around thai stuff nowadays. Every since i went to Hatyai. more of my friends start to go to thai disco. or maybe its just cos i choose to go out with those friends who hangs out at TD. I start to meet more people that in love with thai girls and boys. I start to see more thai people around me. People start telling me they're planning for a trip to thailand. My ex boyf ends up with a thai girls that he barely knows but loves. Found out that some of my ex colleagues are dating thai people now. Realise when i went to a thai disco that there ARE HOTT thai guys in Singapore.

So thailand? You're taking over my world... But fuck no... I wont let it take all of me...

Aite.. Picnic day with Fat, Yeni and Murni. I think maybe Azim also? But anyway... PICNIC DAY!!! WOOOHOOO! I WOKE UP EARLY TODAY!!!! HI HI HO HO.. GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE!!!!

Kay bye.

Oh wait... I promised Afiqa ill blog about the day the guys sang for me for my bday.

K. The guys planned. They planned from the start of the month of March that they will not all be around whenever we plan to meet. Someone has to not meet . Cos if the do, ill make them all sing me a song. Th erule is that everyone has to be there then can sing. If not no song. So i kept trying to make everyone meet up and make everyone sing to me cos they promised!!! Danny and Isk promised. Thinking i would forget. I i didnt.. I made TK and Harris promise too. EVen though they didnt really promise. TK just said if Danny sing then he'll sing. And since Danny promised. They all HAD TO sing.. LOL.

So one night after my bday. Somehow we all met up. ANd they didnt raise up this issue cos they were all praying i forgot. I also didnt raise the topic cos i was hoping they would. But they didnt. So i REMINDED them..





ISK:" *smiles*"

So we went to eat and Bukit Timah. And i kept trying to make them sing to me there. In public. Where people can see. LOL. OBVIOUSLY!!! They refused. I could have killed them, and they STILL wouldnt'...

So they decided to go to a more ulu place... SOme park. shit i forgot whats the park name. But it's near the PSA place... Dammit... I think its Kent Ridge Park.. So, went up there... Lepak for awhile.. And i was getting nervous. They coudl see it in my face... And they tot i was pissed cos no one of them dared to start singing first. So we joked around. And Harris really saw that i was being uncomfortable. In fact, i was having butterflies in my tummy cos no boyd every sang me a full song before. And imagine all of them, the guys that i love so much all singing to me? Heaven couldnt beat that feeling.

So i wen to the toilet cos thats what butterflies do to me. And Harris had to follow me cos i was scared and it was dark and eerie...

After that when i came back, they were all just chit chatting until Harris got sick of it and told everyone to google the lyrics and asked me to play the song. And they all sang to me. It started off really awkward and funny. They didnt sound very enthusiastic about it but nonetheless, an effort. For them, all big macho men to sing for me, i could ask for nothing more. But!!! I did... I told them :" MUST SING PROPERLY LAH!! WITH FEELINGS!!!" So they sang louder. Not with feelings.. But just louder...

Then Harris started to be really nice and faced me and sing. Like literally serenading me. And that was when i felt truly touched by the gesture. And Isk smiles at me. And winked cos he know how happy i was. Tk just laughed and ask me not to cry, or i think he thought i was crying. And Danny didnt look at me much but he sang. And he added things like "nooo" after lyrics "her lips her lips" or "her eyes her eyes" ... Which kind hurt me a little cos it was suppose to be a song for me. I dun care if the lyrics dun fit me. I just wanted all of them to sing me a song. And the only lyrics i cared for was.. "You're amazing, just the way you are"

So, they all sang, the full song.. With mme close to tears and dunno whether to smile or laugh or cry. They sang well. and i could sense they are awkward but they did it for me. They pulled thru. They didnt care that a few passer by(s) could hear them. They didnt care that they dont even sing to any other people or that they dun even sing in the showers. They sang. And they sang the song i chose. And even if they say nooooo after certain lyrics. I felt truly amazing. Like i felt like i was really amazing to them. And that feeling lasted thru the whole song. And a few minutes after that. :) SO that moment? I'll never forget...

Truth be told? It was kinda awkward for me too. To see all of them sing. LOL... But it was great... You know what so good about having a bunch of macho men as your friends? They always make you expect less.. Then when they do certain things.. you become more surprised and more appreciative. Cos you never knew they were capable of such stuffs. And what touched me most. They didnt make an empty promise... They pulled thru... Thats why i love them...

And thats why its so hard for me... To risk telling Danny.. and screw it all up. It's the things they do for me. And the things i wanna do for them... That makes me think so hard. About being selfish...

But Fateha/Yeni once said: " if he cherishes your friendship as much as you do to his, then you telling him how you feel won't affect anything..."

Risk it? Or not? We'll let my heart and brain figure that out themselves...