Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster.

I woke up happy and excited. Was going to meet Logen, head to Ais's house for Deepavali party, and have lots of fun.

We were having lots of fun. Truth or Dare. Charades... Food... Been awhile since I have simple fun like this.
No alcohol. Just pure simple lame fun... :)

In the midst of the day, I had to ignore lots of calls from someone I care for.
Because I wasn't in the mood for lovey dovey and I just wanted 1 day...

I felt far away from all the problems in life...
If I 'd had picked up the calls, I'll somehow be reminded of why I feel so alone...
And I didn't wanna feel alone...
Yet I felt bad for leaving that person hanging...
Cos if I was on the other end of this situation, I'd feel fucked up...
But I was selfish, and I just didn't pick up the calls...
=(

Then I had good talk with Logen,
And he seems to be keen on the whole Work Holiday @ New Zealand...
So He'll be my buddy on this.. :) I was happy... Happy happy happy...
Cos I finally have a goal in my life... A realistic and reachable one...

Then I rushed home to tutor Bryan in English...
I was late so we had 1 hour to do our tution...
Stumbled upon a question about South Pole...
And Bryan insisted that South Pole is a HOT place cos North Pole is the one that is COLD.
I explained to him about the 2 poles being cold because they are further from the Equator which is where the Sun is closer to.. Which is where Singapore is near...
He refused to listen, he went to ask Clarissa & Wilson, that backed me up.
Bryan STILL refused to believer us...
Went to ask my mum, who said "I don't know"
Went to ask my dad, who said "I think it's hot.. Not sure, go check.."

So Bryan came in, shouted happily that my dad said "IT's hot"..
I went to Wilson's room, where Clar is googling it...
And the internet says it's cold...
Bryan insist we are all wrong...
I was super frustrated by then...
So I went to tell my dad and explained...
That's when my dad shouted and said
"I said I think! And I said go and check lah IDIOTS!"

Then I got pissed off... And just left the room...
Because my mum was asleep and arguing with my Dad,
I will always lose... Because I cannot argue with people I love...
I will cry, and they will take that as a sign of weakness...

So, I went back to my room with Bryan feeling all smug...
He brought the dictionary in and tried to search for South Pole.
I told him the dictionary won't have the answer...
Told him to Google it... He insisted that the dictionary has the answer...
I was to sick and tired to bother... Let him check...
He couldnt find the answer.. So he said "FINE! If you say cold then cold lor!"

Then I was so angry... So so angry...
But I just kept quiet... And tears started to well up...
Not ebcause I was angry...
But because I felt guilty... Because at that moment...
I hated my family... And I wanted to leave...

I felt bad that I wanted to leave...
I wanted never to be bothered by all of them ever again...
And as I was thinking about all the bad things I felt like saying to all of them...
I sat there, quiet, and tearing while Bryan finished his worksheet...
Then he looked at me and said "It's 10 O'clock.. I gotta sleep.."
He hasn't finished his work... But I have lost all mood to teach...
And he just went to sleep...

I sat on my bed, trying to force back the tears...
I needed to smoke... I wanted to pack my bags...
Bring 2 huge luggage with me and just leave...
I don't care if I have to sleep on the streets or beg my friends to take me in for a few days...
I wanted to pack my bags, and leave...

But I just sat there... Half wanting to leave, half thinking it's a bad idea...
That I've grown up... And if i blew up now... Lots of pple will get hurt...
I hated myself for what I hated at that point of time...

Bryan tossed and turned... He asked "Jie, are you crying?"
I said No.. He asked again "Why you cry?"
I said No... And off the lights, and went to bed...

Before I slept, I remember crying my lungs out...
Cos I had to keep the cries down.. But my heart felt ripped out of my heart...
And I despised myself...
Cos I felt pathetic... I run at the thought of rejection/hatred...

What is independence?

=( Blogging about it makes me all teary eyed again... Which sucks, cos I'm at work now...

Work... Hais.. Don't get me started...

Taiwan trip this weekend... I'm not excited about it...
Although most of the stuff are all paid for...
I'll prolly still have to spend... Plus, I think, I will want to drink alot there...
Cos, there's nothing else to do... With the people I'm going with...
Hais.... I'd rather drink myself to death than shop and spend money on things that I think looks nice...
And I'd rather drink and have the chance to pretend to be drunk, than to pretend to be inetrested in the things they have to say about work...

So fucking sick of this office job... I think every day I hate myself a little more because I'm still doing this, for the sake of money.. Sometimes I wish I had the hippie thinking... Money and material possessions ain't important... Life is short.. Have fun... FUN YOUR FUCKING HIPPIE BRAIN!! Fun needs money, most of the time... Fuck balls, I just want a rich boyfriend/husband... So I dont have to work and have fun... can or not?? Can or fucking not???

=(

Im starting to blog like I'm talking to myself...
Which means, I need to stop blogging..

BYE...

I have a plan for my near future...
And it involves at least 3 months away from Singapore...
I intend to apply for a Holiday Work Pass and go to New Zealand...
This is to widen my circle of experiences and also, because... I just REALLY wanna go to New Zealand..
I don't mind doing factory work or being a waitress... I just want to get out of Singapore and experience a life on my own somewhere else.. Wilson says it's better if I have a friend to go with me.. But I dunno.. Somehow, I think maybe I should try doing it alone... Maybe I'll ask Logen if he wants to join me... But other than that... I think no one else in my life will be willing to do it with me... Or maybe Wilson wouldn't mind... :)

Well, Im bent on doing what I mentioned above. So, I've been looking up on the "immigration" procedures and the requirements. Seems like I fit the bill and all I have to do is apply and get all teh documentations ready. Buy the tickets.. And have enough money in my bank.. AND!! Im good to go! Hopefully .... Cos They still have to approve my application before I can go.. Cos they only approve 200 pple each year... Im hoping next year will be my lucky streak... So, please please please please PLEASE!!!!

So that's the plan.. .Hopefully the impending recession doesnt rule out this plan. Cos my Dad was telling me that if the recession happens.. All this plan have to be shredded into pieces and I'd prolly have to stick with my current job... :( Which I would definitely not be happy about.. ButI'll survive... Sometimes situation does not permit you to be the person you want to be.. That's life... But HOPEFULLY! This time, life won't be such a bitch to me.. And finally let me step out of the conventional life.. Just for 3-12 months... That's all I ask of you...

So, I've been thinking... If this plan works out.. Who'd I miss and who'd miss me?

My family definitely, top of the list...
My close friends that I hang out with almost every other week....
Other friends whom I still occasionally hang out and talk to...
Colleagues that are now considered my friends cos I spend almost everyday with them...
People who claim they like/love me...

That's it... 5 categories... I was lazy to name names.. and some names are sworn to secrecy... 

My brother is really encouraging that I do this with a friend... But I dunno.. Not easy to find a friedn that would do something lidat with you... 

Ok, apart from that... I will talk to my friend about his journey on this Holiday Work Pass thing.. See what he says... And do more research on this... Propose a beautiful proposal to my parents about this adventure that I wanna take.. Convince them that I'll be safe and it's really what I want... Im quite sure they won't disapprove.. Cos I run it through them briefly last night and they didnt seem too disapproving.. They just said it might be a bad idea if the recession hits.. and they didnt ask much after that.. maybe cos they think I'm not serious about it... 

But when everything is more or less settled.. And they think that Im serious about it.. Maybe their reaction will change. I dunno.. I trust my family to trust me...  So anyways, speaking about that.. It means that, I have to save up tons and tons of money... LIKE TONS!

So starting today, I will not binge drink... I will not CHIJMES around like Danny...
I will not spend much on food... CHeap hawker food and simple food is fine... Maybe once in a month pamper mysefl with good food... Not fine dining style but at least a nice steak or something..
Although I do not shop much, but once in awhile I do the occasional binge shopping.. So that has to stop too.. Buy what I need not what I want... For the rest of the things, cut down cut down cut down!!! Everything needs money nowadays.. So If I cut down my ciggarettes, I'd prolly save a whole lot too.. I'm at the stage where it's difficult to quit now.. Cut down? Sure can.. Quit? Maybe not...

So, The alcohol and the cigarettes are the main things I need to cut down/quit... Othe rthan that I would say I have been living frugally... OH YAH!!! I missed out one thing... Other than my impending trip to Hatyai... My Other impending trip to Phuket.. And my long planned trip to Gold Coast... I shall not plan any other holidays.. From now til Next year June.... I shall not plan any other holidays.. And save up for my long term New Zealand Holiday...

If this doesnt work how? IF I don't get selected how?? I WILL FUCKING APPLY FOR THIS SHIT EVERY FUCKING YEAR TIL IM THIRTY!!! OR MARRIED WITH CHILDREN!!! Cos that's the criteria.. Cant be above 30.. Cant have kids..

So, that;s my dream.. When I was young, my dream vacation was New Zealand.. Cos I think I remember seeing the most beautiful scenic picture of a place. And I asked my mum/dad where that was.. And they said New Zealand.. And KAPOW! My new favourite place.. And I remember everytime anyone asks me where I wanna go for holiday.. New Zealand was my first answer.. But I never got to go... 

Now that there's a possibility I can go for a loooong time... Without having to spend as much money as I thought would be needed... I will die for this shit!!! And I've never been very motivated to do stuff til the end.. I was always dropping out halfway or just smoking through all the things in my life..  But this? This I need to do it.. To prove to myself mostly.. That there IS something to live for.. And that is to live for the happy moments in life.. Where you finally get to do what you want, the way you want it...
.
Those who loves me and still reads this blog.. Please, hope for me... I havent been happy lately.. havent been excited over something in a long time... And I havent been motivated to do something about my happiness for a long time.. So PLEASE! It will make me very very happy.. If all of you support me in this and help me hope that I get this.. IF I  get this... I'll be happy for the longest time in 3 years..... :)

I had the mood to blogged just now. But after lunch, I lost all mood... But I just can't leave that thought hanging.. So here I am... Blogging...

So whaaaaaaazaaaaaaap? :)

Well, I have been asking myself plenty of life questions recently.
Starte dto question all the choices I made these past years.
And I came to the same conclusion I have had all these years...

I DON'T KNOW SIAAAAAA....

I think I'm being too hard up on myself.
I'm young, I'm supposed to be able to make plenty of mistakes.
And the consequences are suposed to be so small that it won't affect much of my future...
And it's true, so far, nothing I did is so huge that my whole future is ruined.
But that doesnt mean one day, it won't happen...

It just take 1 experience, too make it good enough to stick with my through out my entire life.
And while I am pretty sure that if I continue on this path, I'll get there soon enough..
I can't seem to find any reason to change my path...

What's my path?
Simple, enjoy now, think later...
But the irony in that is, most of the time, after I enjoy..
I immediately or almost immediately feel stupid about it...
Why? Because the things I enjoy aren't supposed to be enjoyed...

Danny and Harris have been saying that one day I'll get stomach cancer.
And it's nobody's fault when it happens, except mine...
They are right... But when they said that... There was only one thing on my mind...
"If one day, I really did get stomach cancer.. Will you guys still be there? Will you all still tell me the same old things you're saying to me? Will you feel sorry and sad for me?"
And then I realized, I think I really do wanna know how everyone I love will react when one day, I'm finally dying..

Will they wanna spend every single moment of my dying days with me?
Will they start telling me how much I mean to them?
Will they laugh and think that I'll be able to pull through it on my own?
Will they get angry at me and leave?
Will they start to realise that I'm too depressed and start distancing from me?
Will they finally get sick of me and my problems and fuck care?
Will they listen to me cry while I tell them I wished this?

Cos I wished for it, I wished to die... At every low point of my life, I wished someone would take my life..
Stop all the crap and stop the loneliness, and stop the pain...
Selfish... Stupid... Immature... Cos wanting to die is the last thing anyone should do...
Cos we grew up being taught life is a precious thing...
But to me, life is just a life.. You either live it, or you don't...

I don't believe in afterlife, I don't believe in heaven or earth..
Death is like taking the weight off your shoulders..
You die? You disappear.. Simple...
No lingering spirits, no rebirth, no heaven, no hell...

I believe in ghosts.. But, that's a whole different story..
Nothing to do with death... I think...

I feel a little depressed... But I keep telling myself that that's not it...
Im not depressed... Im just unhappy... I don't know what's the difference...
Cos it feels so much alike...

Sigh... Anyways, recently I start to feel like I need a change of environment...
I need to start something somewhere..
Cos maybe I'm just not happy where ever I am...
But it's so difficult to change things that's against the flow..
Either it's difficult, or I'm too lazy and demotivated...

Maybe I'm addicted to sadness...
It's like a natural instinctive feeling right now...
Every situation, I find a way to feel sad or any other negative feelings towards it...
And it sucks...


Work starts now..
FML...

I spend the whole morning checking out funny and awesome pictures.
Cos I feel like shit today, and I don't fucking feel like working...










































These pictures made my day.. Unlike every other thing/body in my life...
I wish I was home with Bryan today... Sometimes Bryan is the only Angel that makes it all worthwhile.. :(

I was just wondering... You know those guys that see a nice pretty lady and start saying pick up lines to get her attention? Especially for those guys that are working in the servie line and they try to use those lines on you while you buying something from them? Lol... What if u do it to them first? Like, ur buying coffee from starbucks, then u see the guy, u think he's cute... So u walk up, buy a caramel frappe and say you want more caramel.. And when he ask u if thats enuf caramel, you say ''well no... Cos no amount of caramel can taste as sweet as you...'' or just go '' hi handsome.. Could you get me a HUGE caramel frappe?'' and when he says you mean a Grande size? And you say '' whatever you make, I'll take it...'' and wink... I mean, how would that guy feel? Lol... Sometimes, its really weird when you're just buying dinner from a Zhap Chai Peng(Economic rice) stall... And that fella does that to you... And while giving you change he purposely does it so your hands have to touch... And... He's not my cup of tea... How now brown cow? Be a mean ass and give him the ''You're so weird look''? Or smile and walk away? Don't know man... I'm so bored at the airport now that im just randomly thinking up situatins and how I would act in them... Logennnnn.... Ask the pilot to fly faster.... :( You said 3am... I feel sleepy... And I need to drive later... Do you think toast box's coffee will perk me up? I hope so... :(

Labels: Toast Box Coffee...

As I was just telling Nessa the other day... There are good days... And there are bad... Today? Was bad... I almost went back to the old days of self-mutilation just to get over the pain i was feeling inside... I really felt worthless... I felt like i can't get anything right and im a loser all in all... My image in everyone's eye is not perfect and will never be... In fact, if there's a word to describe how i think my image is to everyone it'd be ''screw up''... Somehow, someway, i manage to screw up everything in my life... Whether screw it up literally or just screw it up in my mind, i still screw it up.. Something can be so perfect and awesome one minute. And the moment i get involved, it screws up... Someone ever told me... That the reason he befriended me and felt he wanted to be close to me is because he felt like i needed help... Like i had problems and he wanted to help... And he asked me if i had any problems.... Problem is, i dunno what/where is the problem... And i dunno if anyone can help me... Recently I've gotten back into wishing i was dead... Today was the worse.. I only live for the people i think will almost die of hurt if they realized i killed myself... I wouldnt hurt if i died... I would however hurt to see the people i love hurt over my death... But that's life... I think if i believe that nobody would hurt over my death... Then thereLs nth for me to live for... But there is... My mum, my dad, Bryan, Wilson, Chay Boon, Chay Chye, Gu-ma, E-Gu-Ma, E-Ma, Danny, Harris, Isk, Aryani, Fateha, Logen, and some others who will feel sad... But those that i mentioned, i know, will be devastated by my death.. And that is the sadistic thought that comforts me when i feel all alone... That if i die, those pple will be missing part of their heart cos i wanna believe im someone they do keep in their hearts... I wish im right... I wish i'll never find out that anyone I stated above didn't actually love me. I wish I'll never feel like im such a loser and so unwanted ever again... I wish I had someone to remind me everyday, that im so special and to remind me why they love me... I wish somebody would wish to be/stay with me forever and ever... I wish someone knew about these fears and pain that i go thru.. I wish someone knows exactly how to fix me... :( i wish I didn't believe that there's no one out there for me... Or did my other half did what i have no guts to do? Is my other half in Hell... Waiting for me to be with him too? Sigh... Fuck this life really... Maybe I've been saying fuck my life so often, that god decided.. Let's grant her that lousy wish... THAT'LL show her! Haha... Fuck god... Fuxk you... Fuck me.... When is the end of the world coming?

Labels: End the world already, Please...

Well, I've been thinking a lot on one particular sentence Allen always told me... ''What's yours will be yours, what's not yours will never be yours even if you fight as hell to get it...'' So i guess, he's right... And i do wanna believe in that phrase.. It's just my whole life, i was raised to believe that you gotta fight for what you want... That if you want something, go get it... Doesnt matter if its difficult or if it's almost impossible... Just try! So how? How can i suddenly learn to accept that whats yours will be yours eventually...?? Im trying... Real hard to just let things be... Don't have to think so much... Act as if you know ''God has a plan'' for me... Fuck this is so difficult... :( I need to learn to accept that not all things i want will end up mine... :(

Labels: What's yours will be yours... Eventually...

I think it's either I'm in a good mood today.. OR... I finally gotten over the fact that Allen has a new girlfriend... Went to see his Facebook profile today.. And realized I'm happy he is so happy with the new girl.. Okay.. Not new like NEW... I think they've been dating a few months now... But yeah.. She seems like a nice girl... And he deserved that... I think ah... I've gotten over loving him... A lot of people think I haven't gotten over him. But it's not that... I haven't gotten over the things we went through and the experiences I shared with him... But I no longer love him... Or maybe just not the way that I would want him by my side anymore...

-----------------------------------------------------------

So, I haven't been blogging a long time... Not that I don't have the time.. I just didn't feel like it...

I went to Phuket recently with Logen and only one phrase to say it all... Cheers to screw ups! Haha...

First, at the airport JUST before boarding the plane, I realized I forgot to bring my underwater camera. I was super excited about bringing it and using it to capture awesome moments and to have so much fun with it... It literally felt like I forgot to bring my baby with me... :( I almost cried... It was a devastating time and it took me several hours to get over that feeling of being stupid...

Second, We didn't really intended the area we stayed in to be... Well, like how it is... It was an experience... But we would prefer a different experience the next time so we decided maybe we wouldn't go back and stay there.. Visit the places there, maybe.. But not stay right in the center of it all.. :)

Thirdly, we overspent... Even though we didn't spend money like we were in a Monopoly game... And, accounting the fact that we didn't even shop much... We still over spent... Phuket is definitely much more expensive than Hatyai... Tourism did it's job well...

Lastly, and the most awesome screw up we did? We missed our flight back from Phuket... We reached the Airport just as the plane was taking off... Like what you see in the movies? Yes, we literally ran for the plane like retards, hoping in all hell the whole fucking plane would wait for us... I guess time waits for no man... HAHA! So when we realized we were THAT screwed.. It was time for a wake up call... To our parents... HAHA! Naturally, Logen's mum freaked... My mum was calmer... And we fixed the whole situation gradually... I wouldnt have mind staying for a whole month in Phuket though... I think deep down, secretly, we both wished the next earliest flight was a month later... LOL!

So we figured... No point sulking over spilled milk.. Why not just make the most out of this first time experience... As we were taking a puff outside the airport figuring out what to do until our next flight...I jokingly asked Logen if it was a good idea to hitch a drive from some random tourist... Logen, as usual, didnt take me seriously and thought me CA-RAY-ZEE... But inside? I was really contemplating the idea of hitch hiking from the airport...

You see... The place where all the good pubs is were about 45mins drive away from the airport.. And we didn't wanna stay all night at the airport.. It'll be such a sucky way to spent the last night at Phuket.. So as we were smoking... I saw 2 random tourists, looking lost.. And i just told Logen I'm going for it.. And I enforced on my idea... Spoke to them, asked them where they're heading and GUESS WHAT??? SAME AREA!!!! They were waiting/looking for their hotel's cab and they couldn't find it.. And they had no Thailand number so we helped them.. And voila~! We made new friends from Queensland... Sean & Natasha... Beautiful couple, I must say... Natasha's an angel.. They're both sooo nice... Had a nice conversation in the cab...

So, we headed back to the pubs area... And drank til the morning rose.. Wonderful time... Good time... REALLY good time.. I think the best night out of all the nights we spent there was the night we shouldn't have been there... After hours of drinking, we headed to karaoke a bit.. And then we went for a stroll on the beach... It was nothing less than AWESOME... It was an experience I'll never forget...

And between you and me? I'm glad I screwed up... Haha.. Minus the fact I have to pay $120 extra for the new flight tickets.. But it was definitely worth it... And that is why.. Logen and I plan to go to Thailand again next year... Budgeting is more or less settled... And we will be going during Songkran, so we can fully experience the wonderful culture of their Water Splashing Festival or I think it's kinda like their New Years...

I LOVE THAILAND !!!
And I'm gonna learn to speak THAI! :D
--------------------------------------------------------------

Been missing my Veegees for the longest time.. And I feel bad that I haven't really been making the effort to meet up with them.. I swear.. Soon... :)

Wells... Update again soon.. :)