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mandy-low @blogspot.com ♥
Tuesday, November 29, 2011

So, the quit binge drinking thing?
Didn't work out very well..
It was starting to work.
Then i had a argument with my mum and my brother again...
Then i went back to binge drinking...

Binge drinking isn't so bad..
Its the situations i put myself into after/during the drinking that sucks.
I learnt so much about myself through this...
And it didn't help me love myself better..
I just realize more reasons why I really don't like myself... :(

If i go into details...
I can only imagine the names your mind would start to register me as...
So i shall not...
But for those who give a shit...
Please know I'm trying.. I'm trying hard as hell not to run...
Trying to be the grown up i'm supposed to be...

But the first sign of trouble and stupidity... I run...
My mind registers abandonment and running away as the first option to everything...
I keep trying and i keep failing...
I'm only 21 and i feel like i don't have much faith or hope left to live the rest of my life.
You guys have no idea how scared i am sometimes...
How alone i feel, how afraid i am of the next stupid thing ill do...
Just for 1 moment of pure happiness...
Doesn't matter if regret comes later.
Doesn't matter if i know people are just using me...
Doesn't matter if i know its a mistake...

Just one moment of happiness..
And ill willingly put myself in the situation.
Then comes the after effect...

I'm just so fucking depressed...

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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Taiwan was alright... Nothing special..
Given a choice I wouldnt go there again, unless it's all fully paid for again...

Pictures will be posted on facebook.. No point posting pictures up here any more cos it take a long time...
And nobody really reads this space anymore...

Past weekend was spent with Vanessa hanging out and partying...
Lots of drinking, lots of money spending, lots of emotions all over the place...

I realised I'm still so young... I get to do stupid things and feel stupid about teh stupid things I do.
And I realised sometiems I try to hard to act mature and adult when all I want is to be a kid and act all childihs and lame... Not childish like jokingly... Like really childish...

But life's like that nowadays.. Grow up or get eaten... :( Sucks...

Met the boys for play time at NEBO AMK HUB. Was fun... After which something happened and ended the night early... So guess where I went? I wen to drink with Vanessa again...

Where do we go? V4... V4 has managed to hooked us on for the past weekend. And it's proving difficult to stay away... Easier for me cos I'm kind of sick of it already...

I dunno what I want in life.. I don't know what I'm doing...

But right now, my goal is to quit smoking...
Second goal was motivated by Wilson & Bryan to lose 1KG every week.
IF it happens, by End of Feb I'll be of acceptable weight...
1KG doesnt sound very difficult..
Wilson says all I have to do is 50 push ups, 50 sit ups & 50 jumping jacks everyday...

Sounds easy? FUCK you...
I'll never succeed... I always do thinsg halfway...
I always do it when I feel like and don't do it when I don't feel like...
I'm that kind of loser...

Sigh... Work sucks... I wanna get out of this shithole I feel like I'm in.. :(

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